SassyBetsy

Stroke Survivor - female
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Everything posted by SassyBetsy

  1. My son gets me cards regularly to share with another lady who plays solitaire 27/7. She is 93 And hard of hearing. No words needed. When we get together to play we go for 2 full hours until the next meal. She is a serious player. I get distracted chatting with others sometimes. And others come begging to be dealt in a hand of Rumy. That is what they play with her when I am not around....and I have not been in a while....And my son had my tote bag with cards for safe keeping the last couple of weeks while I did procedures.....So TODAY we played cards. There are some strange people here that are pure toxic....3 that are at eachother....like kids.....I never know if they enemies or friends.......and their common bonding is a woman with dementia that they parent..protect...common thing unites a band like that.... and today they were going on about how they did not have any cards to play with...because me and the card shark were doubling down on double solitaire. Oh no cards around here or games of any kind.... So we played on she taught me and I havə a passion for it I love this game
  2. Well thatS A Hoot!!!!🤣Good for you Tracy. You did the right thing. No one needs an explanation. Tracy all you said is true but it is your business not anyone who you owe money to or otherwise. privacy is a right and a law. privacy. Stroke is a natural catastrophe a personal tragedy yet there is little pity and the claims it is preventable do not help. My doc tells me my organs look like some one who has had high blood pressure for 30 years. hereditary too. I agree better health care is needed and they better be careful with me now. I have not said brain damage...sounds exotic...i will try it. so next time I will just explain oops my brain just slipped to the other side and it is true! Yes I agree chubby some days are better.gotta hang on that. 30 years wow
  3. You are a completely normal post stroke person. You are going through unnecessary disability hearing after losing your life your home your loved one and now in a situation where your one beloved...the cat...is being threatened to be taken away. I think your comment should be applauded. I know dear dad is unwell and going through his own hate the woelrld stuff but people in glass houses should not through stones Do you know better things are ahead? In time the intensity of these responses will decrease and you will learn to cover yourself or not amd fall apart less or not. But in our support group we all go through these response things. One reason is being caught off guard. we do not practice for everything. Sometimes I feel I am ambushed by someone something. Then looking back it was little thing but to me a giant thing I needed to be big. no apology. I survived so I get to write this. NOTHING is crazy especially me or you. Surviving is complex and look how we live..not walking or seeing right and the fatigue yes always this bone tired but I cannot sleep then adrift and cannot wake up and thrn my drems thete is so much and some feels real. I sort through my real life and memories or dreams and so I am always befuddled as I wake from some nap. But I continue to run my life from sidelines. Just as You are doing it quite well. All normal because we have all never counted on doing it this. I like how later you respond. Like me. Not till you are ready to speak. A wise counselor once told me that if she said it then it probably needed to be said but perhaps the timing was off. She was a hoot I try to channel. I really want confidence. But I can do Real in the meantime. I admire you and identify with your challenges. I believe you are going to find the way and find confidence all along thís journey.
  4. I always prefer to have something to look forward to...like even a day trip is fine...something! And just when someone says I cannot do something, I feel restricted. I should not fly as well. I do not fly by choice anyway. Suddenly I long to fly overnight or something. But I have survived by now just going by car or boat. But I do not go far. Maybe short trips can be longer more exploratory ones filled with new memories. Do not worry, time will provide you plenty to keep you occupied. I love it how you are so full of love for people even for thosr you have not met yet. You are so wonderful. You are the world's caretaker. I wish you could have companionship with all the strangers you meet during all of your travels beginning right from your door step to that 4 hour limit. There are plenty of people to love and I bet some unexplored places in that small slice of the earth. Please never leave here. Your love adds fuel. Your ability to comfort with words is appreciated. And there is comfort wisdom inspiration even in your venting. I hope you know you are never alone. But the loneliness you feel is for your Ray. I truly pray you can meet a special companion to enjoy doing things together. I bet there is someone around you wishing for same thing.
  5. Some friends you miss they are gone,others you celebrate they are. Always their loss. Always replaceable, never doubt that there are more where they came from...better models hopefully.
  6. oh I forgot to say it is my 4th one that I worked on in 2016. wow. I finally glued on my pictures from the bag. I hope to get it hung on the wall. my last one I will not make any more.
  7. I finished my collage.
  8. You are a wonderful son! Your time is now. Your parents will always stay close and guide you and pray for you.
  9. I get it done thank heavens. I pray all goes well with sedation and spinal. I trust. I trust it will go like before. I hope there is not some student there that freaks out when I yell stop. It just comes out....I yelled get this done and it seems it took that guy forever but he was told by doc to continue numerous times. It is painful procedure. I take sedation in IV, they put airhose with tiny things in nostrils. All is well. I climb on table which is scary for me. I feel like I will fall and I go slow. Tomorrow I am going in the chair. The promise of relief gives me courage. I will see son this weekend.But just to bring my stuff. He is always busy. Of course. When alone I cry for my daughter and my grandchild I have been denied knowing because my daughter thinks I failed her,failed to love her. I ask son. he was there too. he sees another story. Anyway I wonder how much hate does she have to stay away. But maybe she cannot phone me my number is different now I am in new area. But wait she knows where I am could google call me here. wow. she never misses me. hard to take. I feel shame humiliation. being a good mom is something i was proud of worked at. guess she is busy being mom to sick baby. I try live in moment. but I miss who she is. our closeness before i had the stroke. some days i think why did they bring me back when i stopped breathing then feel ashamed bcuz my son has loved me well and I love him. I cannot believe she will never be my daughter again...then I am furious for putting me through this. I never chose stroke. I never chose stroke. my life was not made better by any law suit or thing. I never see now as good as then ever. U suffer. I am not just inconvenienced. My family was torn apart over stuff. now years later i cannot even recall it. seriously. i just miss what good times i do recall. when i was proud grateful. but wgat was more real. I just want her. oh well. I opened the gift bag for grandson. she said I gave too many stuffed animals. funny. my mom said I bought too many for her. there is pattern here. and not my compulsive bunny buying. not much. so this tiny lilac grey with grey scarf will not be regifted. I keep it in my bag. i sleep with it. not grown up enough? I color all day. lol. small funs. living being. that is all. ok. I have a gratitude list. I am glad of things. small pleasures are big ones. My body seriously is damaged. my mind follow it. but still not enough help. temp help. no hope for something more.
  10. So happy there is good news about Dad. He has loving support to get him through this. perhaps he too would like a support group. It is not easy road. But we take strength and hope in some positive news.🍾
  11. Oh ueah Heather the vinegar at the local fish and chips( fries) place is addicting. I smother my plate! And tartar sauce is another good one!! Ok so J in the B has my vote for best nuggets and sweet n sour sauce. I could probably eat 100 if left alone! Plus their fries have this crunch to them that is irresistible. Sure Sue it does not take much to think about food! Congrats on your A1 Tracy. Yep I get the celebrate thing! hehe I do the same. And right! When I be good and pass on something then I become obsessed! Right now my guilty P is that I ate Milano cookie. one. good eh? Then I had to go eat a handful. Thankfully I finished them off Quick. My sweet friend sends me Orange sugar gummies too. I ration them
  12. Sorry Steve my food blog got too long and should not be here!
  13. Sorry Tracy I got excited looking at fries right?
  14. ok now I gotta go out for fries!!! but I have always eaten mine with mustard. Even before there were chilie cheeses guacamole or pastrami tomato fries, I asked for packs of mustard. My kids like ranch dressing with fries best. And we all like BBQ on them. And steak fries great with sour cream and onion dip I made at home. Like a finger food baked potato. Criss cross fries and nacho sauce is good and I like those for making hor douvres topping with taco seasoned hamburger with tomatoes with sour cream salsa topping. But I used good old frozen bags of criss cross fries to make that. It was always good when I did not want to do typical chips. Now I keep fries out of my diet except for 1 or 2x a month because I am on lo salt low carb diet. I tend to want tortilla chips more often with mango salsa. That is my new sophisticated snacking crave and I can make a meal on them and yet because of my edema even that is restricted. This is even harder than restricting sugar...i can live without that very often. But Right now I am doing toasted bagel with cream cheese and pineapple on it. My kind of pizza. Or like today I will have american cheese melted on toasted bagel. I used to make that in an oven at home. little toaster oven. now we get toasted bagel and melting cheese in microwave. I like it chewier too. Good thing it is xBfast!!! coffee and cinnamon time. my latest thing is mixing sanka and cocoa in hot water. Great stuff!! Handy around here. I got my cnas talking about toppings now. some creative things.
  15. Tracy 🦄 That is your dad being the protector he is. I know you have had a hard time living there but maybe now you are a blessing to help your dad and also to make the most of time together. Change can occur fast so I am glad everyone was honest though. I will pray you have strength and peace while your dad goes through some of the darkest forrests known to man. None of you are alone.
  16. You are the cool Aunt your sensitive soul soaks up negative energy even when it is no big deal to others. Homesick is a real entity even if you only have a quiet room. Our space is like there is no place like home. Click the heels beam me up. I feel the energy in my chest like a burn and I am overwhelmed with energy adrenaline like I could run or scream and I cannot get the physical feeling to stop. I cannot will it to end. And my vision rolls. It is doubled. I cannot walk well like that. I cannot think. Then it just goes to crying oh boy I hate that. People are like why cry about it. It takes music rest movies distracting me from stress. I dislike any conflict. No one can understand my processing problems. I fall asleep on overload. I need to sleep so much too. fatigue is just my day. eat sleep shower sleep . go out then come back and sleep. You are strong independent and kind.The stroke stuff is real. We just wait it out. Accept that this is all ok because we are sensitive
  17. I agree it can be discouraging. I was told I would fully recover in 12 months by a fool and I did not. My vestibular therapist cautioned me that stroke recovery is slow. Then a neurologist said optimism is healthy but the reality is some brain damage cannot be reversed. So I go to therapy as much as my pain allows. I cannot work on things like balance when it hurts to stand. But I continue. LOL I am not one to do my homework unless I am held accountable...so I need to go. Plus I like to chat. The entire thing of my getting out helps me. Yes sometimes I need a break. That is ok. Then I go again. If it gets boring I complain. Usually I over do it. My leg hurts double from even small amount of exercise except after the spinal. So that frustrates us all. But I persevere. I bought new tanks and camis to wear too. I love the excuse to clean up go out or I get lazy and down. I need someone helping caring too. Some days I feel that downward let me sleep and cry and other days I am thankful I am alive eating a lemon bar. I am like a bipolar yoyo. This is hard. This is grief and pain and hope. I want my support group too. I missed it this month because of dentist. I need to talk to others in my shoes. You make me keep going. I say to both of us keep on going. Together we encourage and inspire complaining demanding venting. I do not want to miss out on life that is left. Yep this is really hard. And binge watching is NOt a wasted life lol just thinking how i worked and did kid stuff and never watched tv or movies and my son begged me to watch lord of rings after we saw first one. I now have time for movies. life is slower. But I am thankful for sight too. And enjoying life. I watch movies on my tiny phone with one eye and ear buds. It is like I am in that screen too.
  18. SassyBetsy

    abalation

    Hope your ablation is successful,your recovery easy peasy.
  19. ok, so the pain hits at 5pm on time like a train. spasms too. so they give me the world's tiniest pill with the world's largest pill. That is my oxycodone paired with my glucophage. simply because it is before dinner and the nurse already must visit me twice in an hour. twice a day even because an hour after oxycode comes the oxymorphone. Can this be spaced out a bit. Well in between comes lyrica at 2 and 10pm. but the 10pm actually comes at 8 with my bedtime insulin because I am freakkin wirh pain these days because a RFA is the real pain killer or perhaps the spinal drugs. Even they do not know. Is it electricity or it is pickling nerve spaces in drugs. But certain is that pretty pinkish...and the 3 pills are varying lipstick shades of pinky.orangish. kinda orchidytigerly brownish capsule. BUTthese in a timed daily regime cocktail only gives me a faint edge off screaming about the levels of pain I feel. Which aggrivates people who come running not because I a fellow hurt and not becauae I may wake napping neighbor BUTthat a state supervisor here for sweeps may hear me and pop out the timer on his cell while appearing to read a text for dinner plans and slowly answer But he really notates the response to scream time.Well I know that they ask people in the business office and physical therapists to answer the call lights only to turn them off. This is tricky they pop in and say may I help you Mother. I was here a while before I realized this was not an insult. They call everyone here Mother or Uncle out of Respect. So then I say have we met? I make small talk and then ask for whatever. And by then sometimes forgot...but they reply: I'll tell your CNA. By now my call light has been off an hour and I am engaged and not more needs with more call lights. So..this year I play a smarter game. I say I WAnt My CNA. That saves lots of time. No happy PR stunts for me. Ok so a really nasty annoying obnoxious nurse that I just refused to say anything bad about because she would end a sentence with you can have the supervisor take care of you. And I would say naw yall doin jes fine. And so she had to deal with it. She left today and we disagreed about my insulin as usual. But she gave me a bag of pretty hair bands clips and headbands and Bath soap and lotion from the best soapshop ever and included a mini tote bag to keep it in. I cried over the lovingly chosen personalized gifts that she told me she bought because she truly believed I would enjoy it and not because I was upset at her. Well I would not have pegged her as the type to bribe a hug and she caused me trouble again today and did not stop by to say goodbye. I showed it to others and they said oh so nice. Ok so yes it is nice to hear that she truly enjoyed taking care of me. But honestly I cannot say that she was best nurse. I never wrote her caught you caring. I looked forward to her days off. I cringed hearing her voice say my name to wake me if I fell asleep after being given my 6am then 7am pain pills. two things happen.I either get up in pain ask for hot morning drink to watch movies OR I am in bed passed out from the drugs then awakened suddenly out of sorts from a drug dream. like those vivid real ones. me exhausted. Saying no not ready to get up yet. Saying please do not ask me on the hour.let me sleep until my next dose unless you see me up assume I was not ready. No I am not lazy. Sometimes I was up until 5am pain dose because it felt like my leg was being cremated. NO she and I were never kindred spirits. We never shared That Laught That moment. I hardly knew her. See here I meet all sorts and a very few we share and I know it. What the heck is it to be given a gift from someone who says I know you are upset at me right now but I didnt want you to think I bought it because you were upset at me. Wait dont we do exactly that. And maybe wait for a better time. Maybe wait for the last day then. It felt incongruent to accept this gift. feel happiness.yet annoyance at her.the situation. In fact I almost did not accept it. My immediate reaction was Oh 0no you did Not. I shook my head. She says I can donate it if you dont want it. I said No I am not going to be like that. I accept it and from what it means and I held out my arms. Her happy face showed me her sincerity. In a second she almost thought her kindness was refused. What kind of prideful fool dismisses such love. AND yet I am so happy she is gone. I will not miss her. I miss others like the one she replaced...and all I can feel is gratitude for the gesture...not really sure what it was. I feel guilt. Like I broke up with someone again who was not relieved like I was....or turned down scout cookies...no creepier. I feel like I uprooted flower beds I feel like I am happy a nurse is leaving after she gives me really thoughtfully picked out gifts. And that others know her sweetness but I am that..... well maybe I do not understand her compassion that she had for me or her experience. Do we know our effect upon or how they live right around us sometimes. I feel sad bad for not liking her not a bit. And I resent her even more. Some unreasonable wasteful part of me wanted to donate it even after I took it. But I like the stuff. Then I tried to give it away. Of course they not allowed to. But I even hate liking this summer lotion. expensive products. Yes and resent that she goes away to live a life and mine stops here. I think that way. jealous of visitors who come in with new purses. One lady at bingo heard me say I have not shopped for a purse in ages. She said I wonder what that would be like. I said not like before. We shared a wistful sigh. yes her bag looked worn. Truth is I bought one online last year. Not the same. not that mother daughter powerlunch or dinner because we did not have dates. Finding a purse was a high for me. I would use it feeling euphoric for a long long time still proud of it. For some shoes. not me. A bit. Purses marked my life. Tell me a time and I know what purse. My friend never used one. She feels nothing about such things. Ok so Mama said never look gift horse in the mouth...but what about the gift giver
  20. yes your life sounds blessed today. you deserve your happily ever after.
  21. < We have a bulletin board to put up little forms "caught you caring" and at the end of the month they go into drawings for prizes. Once, my cna told me she won a $25 gift card because I gave her a paper in the drawing. yes I felt happy and proud I had shown my appreciation and the lucky stars honored my favored cna. I hand in those forms monthly for those who show me moment of caring. I use colored pens,decorate with flowers and support this staff program. Yes,I feel great making others happy,appreciating them. Yes,I feel like I can be proud of who I am. This gives me happiness too. I always cherished receiving gestures of gratitude too. Cards,candy, flowers, teacher things.
  22. OMG Tracy, you were given a gift!! I recall finding my neuro and having him tell me about my stroke,my brain,me. Well I did not get any medical help, I had none of the FAST only balance problems,visual problems, just like now. No one out there knows or talks about stroke correctly. And so yes perhaps if I had better control of all those health problems,would I still have had a stroke? Look, so many still having strokes,what does that say? For me, that guilt is gone. I believe in some things just gonna be. Shame is useless. And validation is the perfect gift. More research about strokes is needed. I am going to have another MRI to see my brain now. What can be done now? At least understand how I got here, or what to do. my job is live with it. I know who I am makes a difference. I believe in that blue ribbon group. I do not need to apologise for my survival or earn approval or love. I am the one who gets to decide if I am still happy with people in my life. But that is the American Irish core in me to not take arranged relationships,not even medical ones. You had a fantastic gift. I am pleased for you.
  23. PS, to me this did not seem about bird poop at all. I listen to my intuition,which makes me open and sensitive to emotional pain. It is good to have your therapist,someone you can talk honestly and not apologise for your feelings. And know feelings can be stuffed down only to go the pressure cooker and explode later. Better to let off steam. It takes so much energy to pretend anyway. I hate that word childish. I worked with children. They are honest. They lack the inhibitions or pretenses adults use to avoid situations of pain. They react but they cope,resilient,awesome. But this is just my opinion
  24. If it makes you feel better, I would have felt hurt and invisible as well. Cmon now kids before stepmoms! My emotions have a trip wire too. Things hurt physically. We are allowed to feel. That is good even if hard to hurt. Who wants to sacrifice that joy you felt to be numb just to not hurt. I wonder if you feel you do not belong there,and stroke robbed you from a better life. I understand those feelings. You coped beautifully. You are doing fine. Hope for the future. Disability will arrive. I had to get legal help and appeal. At the hearing,the judge gave it to me immediately no problem. Then you can get your place,and your parking spot. It will happen. Be patient. Keep calm,and venting is allowed. We do what we must to avoid stressing or risking another stroke. There is a balance of negative and positive in life. There is no should. You get to experience your truths, and we will listen and always support you. You are strong and can be patient for good times ahead. And in the meantime, advocating may or may not be wise,your call. just know that you are coping well. This is hard stuff. This life is not supposed to go like this, and if you are not taken care of by a spouse then it is worse to be on your own. I admire you that you are not content to just be childlike content living with parents again, but do what makes sense now, and know independence will come. Seek options. We do not deserve this suffering and we are strong to endure it. It may seem like a yo yo,but you are fighting to remain positive,to cope,groow,so it is ok to feel what you do. I am same way. I know I am allowed. I think it is honest,and real. You win the Tiara!
  25. I lose my train of thought, fumble around for words, make a funny sound when saying f words, and I swear I talk super slow. ok so maybe I talked too fast before, but I said yes speech group helps. Just sharing our stories helps, and chatting too. Just because I can talk, do not think my speech is what it used to be. But nothing is changing. But after they interrupt me,finish my sentence wrong,or twist my idea,and I get upset saying wait for me to say this right. I had a stroke. They say,no, you are fine. But how to fix these things. step one.be calm step two.be calm step three.be calm. once flustered, I bumblejumble my name and address. Or I smile nodding wthillbilliegoat, what does it matter let them think for me and so they go away feeling like a genius when they were stooooopedos hitting the wrong target. oh, those best ones are on the phone. they transfer me. I tell the script more times than an FBI fugitive, often really reading what i need to say. ..but people cut me off. transfer me. oh and those conference calls. they say please hold while i call that office to verify discuss report and speak when they come on the line. ok once,they were not doing what I needed and I was shouting listen to me,can you hear me,this is not helpful,you are messing things up, can you just stop and listen. and that was me being creative because my mama washed my mouth for shut ups and that is 4 letter word to me.SHUP. Anyway,the nursing staff came running to see if i was ok,what is ruckus going on. As I recall, I hung up just speechless in my state of mind. Gotta love it when they ignore me,like I speak martian. Especially when I say No. And the just keep asking. maybe a tad differently than first time maybe exactly the same. No. No. Can you hear me? Please listen to what I said. Can you respect me as a person who made her choice. No. Mama said No Means No Every Time. I loved that and use that on all kids,no matter their age. So they think my stroke ruined my mind, but then they expect me to be brilliant. Make up your mind.