HostTracy

Staff - Stroke Support
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  1. Wow this brings ack memories of my daughter who basically became mom when i stroked introducing me to "new for me" activities. So the first time I got into a pool, Hailey took me to a wave pool (not such a good idea). I had my own rubber donut float which I had secure around my waist. It was nice getting into the water and feeling the cool of the water on a hot sunny day. Then the first round of waves started. I could see them coming.... I was not in control of my now floating body in a donut float. The waves battered me like a boat run aground on the beach. I screamed, I cried, I had a panic attack, I couldn't stand up, I couldn't direct where I floated (there were tons of people), I felt for the 2nd time "this is it". As the waves kept rolling out and eventually subsided my floating donut self was pushed with each wave closer to "shore" (ok wave pool shores are ouchy at least this ones... white painted concrete with texture) as my buns scraped the bumpy bottom over and over until they all subsided. Then... I sat there in the shallows crying with my donut around me not able to get up. Hailey found me and helped me up (not a pretty site lol). Needless to say I crawled to the waters edge where the small waves could reach my toes and legs. Hailey brought me a beach towel to use as a pillow and one for her too and we both lay there for a long while turning into crispy red lobsters. It certainly left me with a good story to share. One day I think I will try the real waves on the beach just maybe set my chair in its path. 🙂

     

  2. So familiar to me as well. I would be lying if I said I don't miss many of the things I took for granted before my stroke. One thing about relationships bothers me more than it should. I truly miss the intimate part of a relationship (not sex but holding, hugging, sweet words,etc). It feels lonely ( I am single now but not truly interested in persuing a new relationship as of this day and age). Recently, as I planned a trip to the beach with my mom and sisters I had to think about for the first time something that I wasn't sure about and I had anxiety even though I couldn't find out for myself just yet. I haven't walked on sand since before my stroke. After my stroke walking on anything that was not SOLID was an accident just waiting. My central vertigo would take this ability away from me. The nearest time I can remember being in s substance similar to sand was trying to walk in my father's freshly tilled garden a few years back. I had to go and retrieve something. My first step and I went down on my knees like I had just stood in quick sand and I swear I barely swam (that's what it felt like) out of that dirt! A friend of mine asked me oh can you stand well on the sand now and it dawned on me that I wasn't sure at all. That bothered me but you better believe I would be out there in the sand with one person on each side until we got to where I had a beach chair in front of the calming waves and get help up and back. We, unfortunately, didn't get to go due to Covid but I will someday. I will try my best and maybe I will surprise myself!

     

  3. You know Sue I think going through a stroke and surviving and everything I do now to be my best has taught me a lot about life, priorities, and fears. First, I am absolutely not afraid of dying... heck I layed on a floor and vomited my brains out one night while talking to death (stroke). It makes me realize how little I truly have control of and that it is my reaction to or of what is happening that makes the difference. I am truly thankful for this as it leads to much less anxiety about life in general. It has also helped me when processing truly very difficult times in my family i.e. my grandmother's, my brother's, and my dad's deaths. I think to others I may seem cold but it is not about not caring at all. I am just at peace with the knowledge that my loved ones earthly pains are no more and are with their loved ones who are in heaven happy and ok. My faith is strengthened. Priorities has been a harder lesson because it just takes time to come to an acceptance of yourself post stroke and that to embrace that is not giving up but still trying all the time and not letting things "bother" me unneccesarily (a real blessing too). Life is what you make it even if your making it looks way different from your past or the others around you. Finding the positive, making lemonade out of lemons, a cup half full, etc. It's not always easy but it feels better than soaking in the latter. I pray for everyone to find these truths for themselves whatever they may be... my hopes, dreams, happiness and self worth are mine and we are all so different (which is wonderful) for everyone. My acceptance of today and me today I reaffirm every morning because well it changes everyday. Remember find the positive and hold on, create what you can with what you have, and practice mindfulness and gratitude (works wonders just to do this). Happy Holidays all.

     

  4. It is still amazing to me the stron friendships that have formed since and from the fact I had a stroke to begin with. I pretty much lost all of my regular friends but I can tell you that the friends I have made in this community are the kindest, most inclusive and accepting people I've ever known. Now that alone is certainly a blessing.

    Sue I am so glad youhave made wonderful friends as well! So very sorry to hear about Bonnie and I sadly think I never got to know her here. Happy Holidays and may the future bring us much freedom to visit those we miss so much. Prayers to all and God Bless!

  5. I'm just looking at our current statistics (fully vaccinated in America 53.3% 😶). I'm not sure what to say lol. I am so glad to hear about the new adventures you have been able to enjoy. I pray that everyone finds the strength to rise above. I don't mean that to sound ominous. I just look around me and see so much "out of sight out of mind". I am super grateful to have my family near. I am also praying that everyone gets to be able to get to where there heart wants to go. Hold on to those blessings and snippets of clarity. That is a wonderful way to calm the soul and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Love you guys! Saty safe and all my blessings and sorry i'm in philisophical head space lol.

  6. On 8/25/2021 at 8:17 PM, Willis said:

    Thank you. It does Tracy. If you like to read check out "No Time Like the Present" by Michael J. Fox. Diagnosed with Parkinson's at 30. There is a part in there I recently read. He was having a hard time staying optimistic which had always been his MO. His father-in-law told him to remember this: “With gratitude, optimism becomes sustainable”  Word!

    Love this! Thank you!

  7. So refreshing to hear such positive changes. I think I embrace "God works in mysterious ways" more and more all the time. Willis how wonderful it is that you and April started a new journey with open arms and grateful hearts. That can really add light toward His mysterious ways. It's huge when you take a look and notice that all the "things" do not hold all the memories and that our hearts are bigger than that. Memories I hold in my heart are priceless... they give me the most joy. Here's to making new memories and embracing with open arms the memories yet to come! Bravo !!! ❣

  8. 49 minutes ago, heathber said:

    Tracy it's the old ignore the pink elephant in the middle of the room conundrum isn't it. I hope you managed to tone the brain down enough to get some sleep.

    Yes it is!! Thankfully, I did get settled down and slept for a bit. I had my therapy today (good timing) and then my PT this afternoon. My anxiety is much calmer now and I hope my brain wants to sleep early tonight (crossing my fingers).

     

  9. So true Heather. I am happy that my daughter and I can come with a comical little skit just for our enjoyment (never want to take away the seriousness but you are right we have to laugh at times it is great medicine). I understand about the vaccine stuff. I think it is a little less of an issue here since we above the equater will get flu vacs usually Sept and Oct so still some time for more covid vacs. There is still the issue of some that just refuse to get it (I think they probably stear clear of the flu one too). I'm just going to do my part and hope my little bit helps the world to reach the needed % for greatest effect... I dont even try to think I can control anyone else's decision (one less crumb for me to clean up). I am happy you found the much needed humor from my post and I hope you feel better soon! Take care of yourself...do all the things:  drink plenty of fluids, get rest, chicken noodle soup and a good book or movie! 🙂

  10. Heather I am filled with that same knowledge and determination. My Psychiatrist says 100% I will not be able to work in the regular workforce again. I know he will do his part and make it clear. Never sounds so permanent but for me and my ability to control my anxiety (which could lead to another stroke) it is important. There are things I want to be able to do to supplement my disability income and my therapist and myself work on this topic. I have no idea why i feel i have to explain myself. The thought of going back into the work force terrifies me. I can feel my chest get heavy just thinking about it. I need to try to go back to sleep lol and not look at the computer right now. (Anxiety has been crazy today and my sleep well tonight has been mostly waking back up.) ((Hugs)) back to you Heather.

  11. This may sound not humerous but it reminds me of a conversation my daughter and I had today. You know this (this covid thing) is going to be in our history books. Students are going to read "In the 20's (being 2000's...2020...2021...etc) people wore masks and stayed 6 feet apart, they enclosed their cashiers in plexiglass, everyone ordered their groceries and had them delivered to their porch, there were direction stickers on the floor of the isles to remind everyone which way to move in order to maintain social distancing, Seattle was otherworldly and seemed armageddon was certain, chaos was abound, there was maniacal rioting, there were many peace movements that were happening...Black Lives Matter (yes they do!)... Mask protests... Angry temporary insanity among those that wore a mask and those that felt wearing them was oppressing, the Me Too Movement was booming (I agree), there was political unrest (one candidate was ostrisized for being over the top and considered a know it all) and the other was ostrisized for being too little of a strong force (weak), asleep (possibly dementia), possibly stricken with a form of aphasia at moments. All the news channels picked a side and reported how the candidate or President (then and now) is destroying the future. There were many conspiracy theories about nanobots in vaccines, conspiracies about how the world was becoming brainwashed or that everyone was being implanted with spyware or tracking devices. In the 20's it was illegal to breathe on our neighbor so we stayed inside for a year. We went on and on...we got a good giggle out of that. Mom always said find the good in everything and humor is one of the best. Now I'm thinking how did this post remind me of that skit my daughter and I did together. Well, I hope someone else finds the humor in my post amongst all the seriousness of reality. We are all in this together and I am glad to be in this with all of you!

  12. I was just remembering today that this December will be my 3rd year mark for disability and i'll have to a reassessment process. This makes my anxiety go way up just thinking about it. Yep they make it as hard as they can here. I ruminate that I will lose my disability and it will be a domino that topples all i have over. :crying:My worry about it is ridiculous (but after my 3 years of trying to win my case...yep i'm freaked out by it). Ok moving on to another topic :dumb: the inner Tracy is freaking out!

  13. I'm so glad my explanation for myself resonated with you guys! Today is one of those days for me....struggled all day long to keep my focus and mind together. My daughter has been here with me and we even got out to dinner but i have been on a tight rope all day and swaying back in forth between totally losing it and panic attack to keeping it together. I am glad this doesn't upset my daughter...she has been telling me all day "You are ok. Breathe." I needed her support today. When we finally came home I've never been so relieved and i blew out a sigh of relief. My safe spot. I came back to reread my post because Asha said she really liked it during chat (doesn't surprise me that I didn't remember what I wrote). It made me smile too! :smile:

  14. Kelli I love your post. I'm sorry about your blowout but I feel things like this has happened to me at moments. I am or was the most patient laid back person but at times I find myself filling with anxiety, frustration, anger, a potty mouth 😒 for lack of a better word and easily pushed past the point of no return. 😳 Those moments can be/have been so daunting and usually end with a battered Tracy crying and stuttering. I can honestly say that though I am not thrilled with many of the things I deal with I am happy and best of all I love me. You amaze me all the time! Just know I am cheering you on all the time. 

     

    Acceptance... To me is a peaceful transition. I'm not 100% but I know when I wake up each morning (or afternoon) that I reaffirm this word acceptance. I think it is important how one evaluates the meaning of this word too. I certainly have met many survivors with a not so positive feeling about "acceptance". For me... When I felt this for the first time (I've teeter tottered many times) I felt such a sense of inner peace and lightness. I was ready to start allowing myself to enjoy life instead of waiting for "when I am better". It doesn't mean giving up at all for me. In fact, my acceptance changes and grows as time passes. Am I always there? I can without hesitation say no. But when I am... Life is so much more for me. It allows me to know I am enough today... To love me today. That by no means says I give up or do not try to improve. It does say that for today... Tracy you are enough! To all of you... Today you are enough! Enjoy every moment, dream, aspire, reach for new goals... Every day you are enough! I'm close to 6 years post stroke and trust me I haven't always felt like this and I still struggle from time to time. It's a process and it takes time and it morphs. I am so happy that I can remind myself even on a "bad" day that I am enough and I love me. I have a feeling I will be a work in progress for a long time to come. I feel like now I can breathe easier, feel joy and hope, and look forward instead of always looking back. Thank you for sharing this uplifting post... ❤️

  15. Congratulations!!! Happy 20th anniversary. Two weeks ago I splurged in a really naughty way. I bought a whole fudge cake AND ice cream. 😳😬 I decided to only eat the top layer over a few days with the icing on it {ALL THE ICING... MMMMM} and I tore the ice cream up. 🤦‍♀️So, I am really making myself behave since. It was a guilty pleasure. I had lots of pleasure eating the guilt. 😂 I'll have to be good for a while. 

  16. Kevin I love your direction of thinking. LOL I have definitely been in that position of 2nd guessing something once I start. Occasionally, I throw my hands in the air 🤷‍♀️. But I am pretty darn stubborn... My daddy always fussed at me because I was stubborn. So on other occasions I conquer the moment and have the YES!!! moment... and other times stubborn gets the best of me and I pay the price for a few days. I'm pretty glad I'm stubborn though. I think I have gotten further doing so. Keep up the good work! 😃

  17. That is such great news Sue! These triumphs mean a lot I'm sure! I know they would to me. I'm so glad you have Shirley for support and to spend some needed "take care of me time" with someone you enjoy spending it with! Thank you for the update and sending prayers and all happy thoughts for the scan in August. (((HUGS))) 

  18. Heather it doesn't hit any sore spots at all. I'll have to look into insulin... I've never heard of it. Could be a good thing. I sure hope your sleep settles down soon! I am so lucky that writing down my thoughts is usually just what I needed.