HostTracy

Thanks Ken that is a good idea as well. I know they wouldn't join the caretaker forums but I could definitely let them look around for themselves.

I looked up some information that sounds similar to what you are speaking of. There was not a lot of information about stroke but in this site it does talk about other things we may see thta can be causative factors in stroke.

http://patient.info/health/peyronies-disease-leaflet

Pearls harsh is sometimes the best way to hear something. Yes I think you are right that he and my daughter just think I was down for a bit and now I'm all healed. I think when I start to go to my Psychologist again I would like them to come along a  few times. My daughter and Adrian have been to the Dr. with me, not every time, but it doesn't seem to help their understanding. It would have been better if they had come with me to OT, PT, and Speech. I talked with my mom a long time about everything and she said Tracy just do what you need to do, want to do, do what makes you feel accomplished, do what makes you happy, retake speech therapy like the Neuropsychologist said, and do the best you can. That is all any of us can do and the rest including whatever comes out of Adrian's (or Hailey's mouth) take what is good and throw away what makes you feel bad. You be your own filter whether they like it or not. Thank you Pearls so much. It makes me feel so much better about myself when I can talk to you guys and I get such great passionate answers. It helps me to decide whether I am going to be and do what I need to be and do or if I'm going to worry myself to death. Feeling bad about myself or depressed I guess because I feel alone without realization from others all the time too isn't helping myself a bit. It's a good time to learn to be my own friend. Again thank you so much.

I actually love the idea Deigh. But I know my husband and he is lacking one very important thing...empathy. Me on the other hand have so much of it that I can almost carry someone's feelings inside me. We are as opposite as they come. He wouldn't go for it even if I wanted him to. He couldn't feel it. I told my psychologist one time that I know my husband is in one of his textbooks and he just grinned and said "You know I think you are right.". The hardest part for me right now is that I feel too much and I can't stop it. He on the other hand is always telling me I have to separate my feelings from my decisions. He is right to a degree. Right now I just don't know how. It makes me sad, angry, alone and that hurts. I don't know any other way to put it. He just doesn't have feelings like I do. That affects being empathetic or sympathetic. I'm a smart cookie and I can tell/feel a person and I have always been able to be in my relationship with him and be self protective. I have lost that though...I just feel. Does any of this make sense?

Well now i'm a peck typist but mu blood was boiling and it gave me some really needed venting. I did give Adrian a copy to read he said he did but I really don't know if he did or not. I have noticed a few small changes in him. He starts but then stops many times when he is about to call out "Babe will you_____" and I've noticed thta he is doing more things himmself. I am trying so hard to really stick with one important thing during my day...getting sidetracked is a given but I made a pact with myself that I will try very hard to bring my focus back. Like I said I don't know if he read it or just said he did...it could be that I stood up for myself. I need to do more of that. 

I think actually with the xanax added and now one small dose of Wellbutrin SR my anxiety is coming down. I'm so happy about it I could cry. 

I have limited amount of Internet so I'm not sure this will make it through. I am at the river and have had the best time! My blood pressure is better than it has been in over a year. When I get back I'll post some pictures I took. I wanted to remind everyone that has passed on some confidence, encouragement, no just being real. You guys rock. And no David you haven't offended me at all. Janelle you and I need to gab and compare notes lol. Nothing wrong with getting stuff out.

Very true Benni. Well I know my Xanax is working cause I didn't even cry I just walked away and didn't get  the ice cream.

I don't understand. I don't know if I want to. All day I have been packing for a long weekend with my mom, step dad, sister and her brother. I never get to see them. I've worked hard today for me. I still have a load of clothes that I am washing really quick. My husband came home and had me go pick up my daughter instead of going to get her himself. He knows I have a hard time at night. He uses that exact phrase sometimes when he has to close his store because he wants to take the car. But he does this to me all the time. He uses me for his convenience. I was getting this load of clothes together when he said "Babe can you bring me some ice cream." I just stopped and looked at him he looked back at me and said "Or not." I told him that I always do but I wish he would just get up sometimes and get his own ice cream. I'm right in the middle of something. He laughed at me. I told him that I pray that he never has a stroke but that I hope one day he realizes I may look the same on the outside but I am not on the inside. I'm exhausted and dizzy and I'm just trying to do something for me. He told me "Well I should have just walked into the kitchen and got the carton myself than have to sit hear and listen to this crap." All I can say is I can't allow this anymore.....and I told him thank you for really listening.

Kelli I will.   I also showed my psychiatrist today my post no one else's just mine and it took him about 30 seconds to say wow your concentration is just all over the place lol. He is very good with me and spends extra time with me and even he only sees me (all of his other patients see him only once and then they see a colleague afterwards for any appointments. I perplex him which is a good thing he likes a challenge. All the better for me! That was just an interesting thing that happened today. As for the hubby he has calmed it a bit probably because I stood up for myself a little better that night and said I am leaving the bedroom and you leave me alone. He has his psych appt. on the 12th so I'll keep you in the loop. 

I did want to tell you that I am very lucky that my husband takes his medication like a time clock. He remembers how he scared his children and how he was hurtful to so many people. He says he does not ever want to be that way again. He is adamant that he take them religiously. Even with perfect medication follow through he exhibits ups and downs so I know it all remains. I don't want him to ever stop taking them either. I met him after his diagnosis and finally finding a combination of meds that worked for him . Nope I don't want to meet the before guy. I do know that the 1 most common similarity is medication adherence. I fear that if it were to ever happen it would be bad. I'm super glad his old self scared him. You are right though that his bi-polar plays into what i am going through with him. I don't even think he believes that himself. You know you can't tell him anything...it has to be his idea. Ann I could talk about this for hours...days maybe it's not just anyone who can be the other partner. I commend you for your love of your husband.    

This sounds like you've been living in my household. It's hard for others to realise the complexities that come with loving someone with Bi-polar. Everyone assumes that I allow abuse but they are wrong. But yes right now I'm a weaker person emotionally. It keeps me from being ahead of the game and I definitely feel it. It is the same with him that he down plays his illness at the moment. The proverbial "I got this" syndrome. Most of the time he does...I've learned his ups and downs well. But my shield is lowered and he is still him. I plan on going with him to his next appt. he just doesn't know it yet. With him this time I need backup. I think you are very much understanding my complexities right now and I am so glad you spoke up. It never has made me feel alone in the respect of his medical issues. I can hold my own or used to. But right now I can't even explain to most people because they are not in this dynamic. So you have been kind and supportive beyond what I can say thank you for.

Asha those are great tips for me to include in my daily routine. Thank You.

1st. Kelli you are always giving me words of encouragement and talking heart to heart and I really thank you. Adrian goes to see his doctor in less than a month I think and I can talk to him or go with him and be really honest about stuff. Adrian has a lot of pride I think it was expected for him to be strong from where he grew up. He has not always been forthcoming about his bi-polar...meaning the Dr. asks and he downplays how he feels and thinks. I know though that this stroke of mine has affected him and that could upset anyone dealing with bi-polar. He is very stressed...he has been constantly looking for another job that pays more with not much luck and the stroke has ruined our finances. My daughter even has to help us out financially. So I know his stress is huge. The best thing I think for him is to be very honest with his Dr. I wish he was but he not "I'm going to a therapist" kind of person. He won't do it. I just know him. But I think you are right. As for me being stronger than I think I am I'm sure that is true. My emotions are on such overload right now it's hard for me to look at myself. If that makes any sense.

2nd. Becky I think you have given me some really great ideas that I can use right now. I did however tell my husband that if he wanted his shirts ironed he would have to take them to the cleaners. This is after I ironed his 2 shirts last night and I don't think I said it in a very positive way (just my tone not that i fussed). Believe or not it would be a blessing for probably both of us. I wouldn't forget over and over again. He would have nice pressed shirts and neither of us would be stressed out. The only consideration is money but we can talk and probably find a common ground somehow. I also have a pretty hard time standing there ironing. Not that I can't stand there but my shoulders and back and legs are just jelly and painful afterwards. Thank you for all of the ideas and they really do seem very doable. I am going to try some starting tomorrow. Thank you Becky. 

Thanks Rob...it gives me great encouragement that you have fought and in your own way won! Thanks for the positivity.

Can I just say that you are my friends even if we don't know one another and you rock all of you!!!!   :peace:

Becky your post made me laugh so much thank you. Yvonne you are absolutely right I have to get over my own self so others can get over their selves. I got rereading it. I don't know what came over me but I had to write it I realize that if any of you did read through it it probably caused stroke fatigue...I know it did me. It's time I make a change for me. Thank you for your insight. 

After sleeping I have a few things I want to add and it is personal but I opened this personal piece of me to you. I am afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid that I won't be what he wants or needs. Afraid is all I can think of to call it. I realize reading this thaat I have left myself out. I love Adrian and at one point I've always loved doing things for him because I'm giving. I never complained even when I should have not have been silent even before the stroke. Now, I can't keep up...with so many things. It is depressing and it makes me mad. It I think is harder for me to be taken care of than to take care of others no matter if it is right or wrong. All of this realization is like a big ball inside me and it makes me resentful and afraid because I have no more room to place those feelings. I need this time to have some one to care and take care of me. It honestly just makes me really depressed. Thank the good Lord I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist soon because I realize how messed up my brain is about all of this. All of you have been so supportive and Kelli brutal honesty is a blessing to me so never worry. Thank you is all I can say.

Thank you David...after talking with my mom tonight she reminded me again...tomorrow is another day so work on my small list and work on something different the next day. My Neuropsychologist told me that I should do 1 thing until I am all done. It makes sense to me but in my world I have found it impossible for others to allow that. Not that I blame others but seriously I have some needy loved ones. My mom said it's time I do for myself and to heck with the rest of them. As hard as that is right now is the time.

No it's ok Kelli...this has been a long time coming. For 8 years I worked full time as much as I could, sick, whatever. You know why because he didn't work. He has bi-polar but I have supported him more than probably anyone else would have. He has back issues too but dang I just need something right now. I need him like he needed me. It tears me up inside. He can be like an angel and then like a demon not physically but emotionally. I really do love him but I really need help. Sure I would like to be Betty Homemaker but I can't live up to that. I don't think he believes me. He is always saying mind over matter babe mind over matter. Like I told Benni my mind lost a lot of matter inside maybe not on the outsiide but inside. This is all I can say right now. I feel it coming....and I have to keep that anxiety down. Thank Tou and I really do mean that.

Thing is Fred that I was upset and sat down and just started writing. The other thing is that I am lost all day long I cant start one thing and finish it. I get so much started that I can't tell where the middle or the end is. My distraction quotient is disastrous...I am supposed to go back to therapy to really work on this but it drives me insane. I'm upset, my daughter is upset, my husband is upset and I just want to crawl under a table at times. I have had adult ADD for a long time but the stroke hit the place where that occurs and this like ADD on speed. I can't even explain how it makes me feel. I just know I feel really bad and I can't change this by myself. I have tried. I've just had a bad couple of days and i'm just emotional. Maybe it's a girl thing but I take 13 pills a day and several are for these problems...my anxiety just gets uncontrollable even on twice a day doses of Xanax. At this point I'm just venting.

Tracy

Benni this brought out my tears. I want to so bad be the great wife and mom. I'm not the bread winner anymore. I can't keep what i do straight and organized. It just upsets me.

My humble apologies for such a long post i just needed to get this out. Thank you for getting to the end if you can/have.

I just can't do this. I am literally struggling with every aspect of what I do during my day. I have to write note after note after note and hope I don't forget the note just to do what I need or want to do. Sure it's easy get up do some laundry, clean dishes, sweep, mop, iron Adrian's shirts, clean the livingroom, clean the bathroom, clean off the couch, clean my bedroom. I could go on and on. The simple fact is I don't get these things done. I put laundry into the washer, I wash some dishes but because I have not been keeping up with it there are a lot. I do what I can do and then rest. Oh yeah I remember that the potted plants need water so I go out and water them. I come back into the house and think well now Ill check mu email and check strokenet and facebook. These are just about the only things I do. But the I remember that I need to update my med chart so I go into that file and format my updates. Then I think that I am making my family all a cookbook for Christmas so then do that for a while. Then I go to use the restroom and while in there I notice that the trash needs changing so once mother ature is done I do that. Then I realize the sink needs cleaning so I clean the sink. I walk into my bedroom and realize there are dirty clothes on the floor so I pick them up it reminds me that I need to put the folded laundry away. I finish putting the dirty clothes in the hamper and realize I left my phone next to the bed. I get my phone and think well I need to get dressed. I get dressed. Now that I'm dressed I go outside to pet and say hi to Sasha my next door neighbors dog. Oh it looks like my plants need some pruning so I walk inside and forget what I went in for and go to the kitchen. I put some more dishes in soapy water and let them soak for a moment and then I realize that I have laundry in the washer that can go in the dryer. I open the dryer and realize that I din't remove a dry load and so I get the basket and put them in and walk them to the livingroom. Oh yeah I was going to put the folded clothes away so I take the other basket of folded clothes to the bedroom and start putting them away but my kitty is meowing at me non stop and I realize I haven't fed her yet. So I stop and go to the kitchen and get her food in her bowl and give her frsh water. I then notice I haven't cleaned the litter box today so I do that next. I am now walking back to the bedroom and my pruners catch my eye oh yeah I was going to prune. I take the pruners out and prune the plants. I see Sasha eyeing me and whimpering so I go over and say hello again. I come back in the house and to the bathroom and realize I haven't eaten all day. So sfter the bathroom I go back to the kitchen and find something easy like a peanut butter sandwich. I throw the dirty knife in the water and think well I never washed those dishes so I wash them and dry them. Once done I see the sandwich I made and am like well I didn't even eat it so I sit down at the computer and eat wgile I check strokenet and facebook. Then it strats to get windy and I can hear it starting to rain and it's getting dark in the house. The lights flicker and it is lightening and I try to find something to take my mind off it but not lay down because Ill go to sleep. Once the storm passes I think I should go get the mail and hope it's not drenched. I walk back halfway up my driveway and something "POPS" really really loud. I look around grab my chest and see two young boys frightened and wondering the same thing as me. I then notice a squirrel running across the electric line and there is a hanging wire maybe 2 feet long swaying. I get back Into the house quickly and try to call my husband who is at work and doesn;t answer. I then call my mom and she reassures me it's ok. I can't keep my eyes open and she says just lay down and take a nap.

I was asleep almost instantly for about 3 hours. I wake up with my daughter knocking on the door and I go let her in. We talk for a few minutes and I tell her some probably boring stuff about my last day. I get up and use the bathroom again and then sit down and look at facebook. I'm so tired but i have to wake myself up. I make a cup of coffee and sit down again and notice this game thing so I check it out and before i know it I have played this silly game for an hour. So the I check strokenet again and realize there is new stuff and I post a few things. Then I get up and go talk to my daughter again and we talk about what would be easy for dinner after that it is 9 pm and Adrian will be home around 10. So I start to wash the 2 pans I will need and wash up the dishes in the soapy water. I put them away and then realize I ate the ice cream that Adrian usually has for dessert (he wants dessert every day). So I look in my cupboard and realize their is brownie mix but the big mixing bowl needs to be washed which I do. I mix up the brownies and am done mixing right about the time my husband gets home. He says "didn't you get the texts I sent you" I said no and realize that my phone is in the bedroom again and could not hear it. I get the brownies in the oven and take out the chicken and season it. Start a pot of water boiling and add pasta to cook. Heat up some olive oil with a little bit of butter and put the chicken breast in to saute. I walk over to my husband and ask him for help what would he like butter with some garlic and parmesan or pesto and parmesan on his noodles. He says he doesn't care and I teasingly said thanks for the help babe. He snaps back "I am not in the mood to choose just do either one". I walk away turn the chicken and drain the pasta. Get out a spoon and add 2-3 spoons of pesto to the pasta and then add parmesan and toss. I then take out the chicken that looks yummy and lay it on a dish. Spoon up his dish with pesto pasta and add a nice chicken breast on his plate and sprinkle a little parmesan over the whole dish and take it to him in the bedroom. He says he wants crackers and cheese too in case he is still hungry. So I go back to the kitchen and get him crackers and sliced cheese. I take it to him again to the bedroom. He then says well bring the cream cheese too. so I do that as well. I knock on my daughter's door and let her know there is dinner on the stove and go back to the kitchen to make my plate by this time it is 11. I sit down and start to eat and then the buzzer goes off for the brownies and I get up and rtake them out of the oven to cool. I sit back down to my now cold foof and just eat the chicken. When I am done I take my blood pressure and write it down on my notebook for the moment. Take my medication. I then go and cut a brownie for Adrian and bring it to him. Pick up his dishes where he left them sitting and then put his in the kitchen and then mine. I sit back down and get out my planner going through my nightly ritual of recording my BP, my meds and checking off the daily page that I have taken every thing. Adrian then yells from the other room asking wht am I doing. I tell him and then he says well I needed to be asleep 2 hours ago. I replied that he hadn't even been home for 2 hours and that I needed to do my planner thing and then I would be to bed. I hear his huffs and then I go back to mixing up my nightly Miralax (yes ever since the stroke this is a daily process so my body can go potty). I write down the things I din't get done today on tomorrows planner day and realize I had not written Iron Adrian's business shirts at all so I write it on tomorrows he has a big interview on Monday. I write down 2 reminders about medicine refills for Monday because the Doctor will have to be called and I really don't want to forget. I then go to the meds file and check all the meds. Close my planner and pick up the desk a bit, get my phone, turn off lights and go to the bedroom. Adrian tells me to turn on the ceiling fan and i do as I go to the bathroom one last time. I then leave on the bathroom light and keep it open a little since my night light was getting in Adrian's eyes. I go back to the bedroom and trip over his shoes and this wakes him up and he asks"What is that" and I told him it was me tripping over his shoes because I can't see them. I push them under the bed with my foot and then go around the bed and lay down. As soon as I do I realize I haven't taken my BREO which is a kind of asthma inhaler and I need it at night. So I get back up and do the inhaler rinse my mouth and come back to bed. Adrian begins to tell me that I am not considering him and that I should have been to bed a long time ago and that we needed to talk about it later. He scolds me a bit and then asks me did I even iron his shirts yet. I told him no that is why I had asked him earlier when his interview was tomorrow so I could be sure his shirt was ready. He then told me its on Monday and today is Saturday. He then goes into this long "thing" Did you ever iron all the shirts that I asked you to do months ago? Why do you choose to wait until an hour before I have to be there to decide and do it. You've had all day and none of it is done. Just come to my job and work a couple of hours and then we'll compare notes. There was quite a bit more said between he and I and then I just got up and said I am getting up and you leave me alone.I walked out and sat here ad wrote this. I told him before I left that he would hopefully never have to feel what I feel like on a daily basis and that he says I haven't changed I didn't do it all the time before. I just told him I'm not going to be what you expect me to be. That was my day.

Oh btw the brain can and does begin healing through repetition. For all of us we all know this is true. It learns to rewire and make new wire pathways, I don't have any idea how much your mom can "rewire" but their is hope and you can and should try to enable the best your mom can be by fighting. I know that isn't fun...it doesn't feel good, makes you even more tired but keep researching keep reaching out. There are things I have learned along my way. Such as hyperbaric chamber therapy which no one talks about. I don't know if it could help but if it did you and your mom may find something you both didn't have before.

P.S. Also look outside the box, reach out outside of your area. It may not be very feasible financially but it is possible that someone would take interest. Someone somewhere may be on the edge of finding something for people like your mom. You might just happen upon one of them. Computer access is a great way to reach out. Send out your voice. Many blessings Bianca and your mom.