HostTracy

Yvonne thank you so much. One step at a time...my new mantra.

This week was my uncle's funeral. He passed Saturday after a year long fight with Cancer and had his service and burial on Tuesday. It was a very good service and focused on my Uncle Darrell's life instead of death. The casket was closed and a beautiful afghan rested on top with some his happiest pictures blown up and placed right into the fabric of the afghan. We actually heard many sounds of laughter as people talked about Darrell because he was always smiling and teasing about something. Many heads were shaking in agreement with those who spoke of what made Darrell such a special husband, father, grandfather, uncle, brother, co-worker, friend and general a great person. My Aunt even managed a smile and small bit of laughter remembering. I talked to her before the service and I told her that what I remember most about Darrell is that he was fun and always smiling. She told me he made her smile all the up until the day he passed. She told me she thought he wasn't seeing too well and so she asked him "Where is my nose?". His response with closed eyes and a little grin in a funny voice was "In the middle of your face." Aunt Sherry said it's just what your Uncle Darrell would have said it brought a smile and laughter to all of us. I was reminded that I had a stroke that day as we walked up a hill to get to his resting place. I had to have help one person on each side and even then it wasn't very pretty. I came to realize that so many people had never known I had the stroke. It was the first time they had seen an after effect. Cousins who were further away or my Aunt who is rarely seen. I just did me. I held onto the pole as the service continued and after had help to walk down and put flowers on some family graves of people I love and miss. We all met at a church afterwards and ate lunch. It was a wonderful kind gesture from the church that Aunt Sherry and Uncle Darrell had visited a few times before he got sick and who had so kindly visited him when he could not go and visit himself. My Aunt's regular church had broken up in the past couple of years and they were looking for a new home. Not being members of the Church didn't matter; these angels cooked a whole dinner for us after the burial, invited us into their church, and were as kind as anyone I could have met. We were all thankful for the reprieve and the moments we had to talk again to those we do not see very often. My Aunt Sherry was smiling when I left and going home to stay with her daughter for the night. This gave me a bit of ease...she has taken his death very hard. They had been married for 43 years. I had to have been 1 when they were married so many years ago. I am so thankful she has a strong family support system around her. This week has left me really tired. I'm just gearing up for things next month. My surgery for a complete hysterectomy will be on November the 8th and my sister's spinal surgery for her neck will be on the 10th. My mom is getting pumped up to be there at both for support. Good news is we found out that my Dad's brain tumor is not malignant and if he had to have a tumor it is in the best place it could be. They are going to follow him for 6 months and then do another MRI to see if there has been any growth. He may not have to do anything about it, one day he may have to get it out but the Doctor said all is possible and that is the best news we could have gotten. So I'm just filing things in my mind and getting ready for the next good thing. November...

Sue I wasn't sure how to be when I went but I just felt like I needed to talk about something good that I remembered. It felt so great when I brought a smile to her face. The last few weeks she has just been taken over by sadness. I'm so glad I found the right thing to say. It's hurts inside so bad to see people hurting and you feel helpless. Sue you are such a positive influence on here. I know you went through that all consuming pain and I am so glad that you, I think, are at a point where you can look back at the good memories. Thank you for the things you have said to me, it has helped me realize that I have been there and helped in some small way.

My Uncle Darrell passed earlier this afternoon. I saw him on Wednesday for what I knew would be my last time. Death can be such a double edged occurrence. He fought a long hard battle with cancer for one year. He proceeded without fear and gave all of himself. In the end he was a mere ounce of himself. Unconscious most of the time and always in pain you just prayed that his pain would be over soon. Then you have the other side my Aunt Sherry and their two children who are adults now have spouses and children of their own. Their grief has lasted a long time and will continue for a good while. My Aunt Sherry took care of his every need and was by his side nonstop. His children had all but moved back home to be close to their father. His grandchildren all asking why is PaPa sick when will he get better, why can't the doctor make his cancer go away. Just little angels too young to understand. They sit on that blade...teetering back and forth I know his death is coming but I want to have one more laugh one more word one more something. It breaks my heart. I talked with my Aunt Sherry when I visited and I told her about my first memories of her and Darrell. It was at my house and I remember a rocking chair and little black wirey dog named 'Spooky'. It brought a smile to her face and we sat and talked about their pets through the years. Good memories to talk about. I pray that she and her family will have comfort and know Uncle Darrell isn't in pain after fighting so hard anymore and is at peace. I pray that their heart ache will lesson each day and the ability to cherish those happy memories will start pouring in. I am so happy that they have been such a tight family around each other during this time. All my love and blessings go to them.

Me too Sue me too!

Sue you are always there in my blogs cheering me on I had to come and visit your. It seems like you are learning yourself again and that is beautiful. Once we are more than ourselves we become more of those around us as well. It's not that we neglect ourselves there is just so much more than one to have thought for. I have learned this year after my stroke which is different but the same in a way, that I want to know me again. I am like you the simple things seem to give me peace an happiness. Working and watching my plants or flowers grow up and bloom kinda like watching our children grow up and like I was telling Kelli spread their wings. I appreciate what is around me now, I can place true value for myself better than I could before. It makes it a little easier when I make a change or rid something. I can gauge better what I'm ready to change and what I'm not ready for. It is a journey. A journey for you and a journey for me we are just taking different paths. I think you have learned to look around and see beautiful things right on your own path. What a gift that is. It's like when I first appreciated the smell of the breeze one day and the rustle of the trees as it went through them. I used to find myself so busy that i never smelled or heard anything. Trips I had to say something of trips...I've always loved to travel. Now for the first time I can remember I love when I am here at my house and alone...my mind is quiet and more mindful. Today I think I would enjoy this better than a trip somewhere too. They are usually fast and with a full agenda of things. Sometimes simple is right.

I can't agree more with everyone. Kelli you are amazing, just yourself, and you deserve to fulfill that. Your attitude toward the confusion that goes on around your ex is a big part of his responsibility too. I love your attitude right now. Kelli its like a baby bird ready to fly. and you are ready my dear spread your wings and take your own journeys...it will be magical. That smart son of yours will never be far but it would also give him a blessing to see his mother getting better and spreading her wings. That's a brave thing to do. He will know this. Always remember to love and take care of another we must do that for ourselves first. That is not being selfish it means you will have the energy, ability, and foresight to give another what he/she needs. I think your idea of a cruise for you is wonderful. Not a cruise for all of you where you would feel miserable and find yourself in the same confusing situation. That is no way to have a cruise you want to live a bit for you on one. Show them Kelli, show yourself, that you are dynamic and that you need your own space to be you. You Go Girl!!!!!!! I almost didn't say congratulation on all your progress it's a great feeling when we can see quantitative results. Keep up that wonderful go for it attitude!

You are so right. two months ago this day would have been different. I can see my improvement and it helps me to be strong during everything happening. Just when I needed it.

i think Sue and Heather have said everything but I do hope that you can find a better answer to your needs there. My best wishes and support.

Well my squirrel family made it inside they are building their mansions again. I have told our landlord a multitude of times but he just isn't real worried about it. The hole that allowed at east one of them in the house is covered so other than letting him know there is nothing left to do but hope that they already have most of the materials up there for their new abodes and know that at least they are warm. I think this is kinda weird of me...but I really have done my part acceptance can reduce my stress about it.

Thank you Heather I really know and feel my support here. David I'm the same as you I get anxiety from things just like that. My husband would tell you he never has anxiety and he always "got this". So from a small distance I try to be his buffer. Maybe sometimes when he doesn't even know it. Adrian is feeling lots better just tired. The doctor said he may have run into a virus even. He drew blood and took him off of his blood pressure meds right now cause his reeadings are just right without them.

I've just realized something... I can be strong for others again maybe not everyone or even myself sometimes but now I realize that sometimes I can. That is a huge step for me.

I'm pretty proud of myself and I didn't know I could handle seeing my uncle. I was even surprised. The way I see it is we as a family will and I say will get through each and every thing one step at a time.

Today has been a whirlwind. I decided to go see my mom's brother in law for the last time probably. He has brain cancer and he will probably pass very very soon. I was glad I went...even though he was never really conscious of me being there. I have a lot of memories of my Aunt Sherry and Darrel when I was little and I was their babysitter for their two children when I was a teen. Then they babysat my daughter when she was little. I just didn't want to miss the chance. I also found out today that they found a tumor on my dad's brain left side behind his ear. Thankfully the specialist doesn't think it is cancer but a stressful day and we have more to go yet. I also found out my sister is having spine surgery for her neck in November. Put all of that together with my imminent surgery and there is just a lot going on. I told my dad today to be brave like me. If I can face this stroke then you can face what is going on inside you. I believe in you. I can't wait to tell my Psychiatrist that my medication seems to really be working. I held it together. I was reallly worries about that...but I did it. It may pour when it rains but I still can find a piece of sunshine again. It's a blessing.

Thanks Sue that's what I said to him too. He's said what time I don't have any time. I told him he was just going to have to make time each day he is off. An hour just an hour just for him. I told him I have learned something on this journey of mine that we have to take for ourselves so that we can have the energy and care for taking care of others. He fussed with me and said you can't add time. I explained that i didn't say add but make time and it actually gives you energy to fight better and stronger.

Lately, I have been really down sorta. In one way I think I am doing great...I am getting things done which has been a big struggle. My kitchen is clean, I made a fall wreath, I have vacuumed everywhere, mopped floors, cleaned the bathroom, and just trying to organize my life in my house a bit better. On the other hand I have been worried about my husband who hasn't felt well. He left work early and is missing 2 more days. It's really unlike him at all. His blood pressure had been so high the last few months that he talked with his Dr. who prescribed him blood pressure medicine to help bring it down. When he got home the other day he just slumped over the couch to set his briefcase down. He has been dizzy, nauseous,everyday headaches, hurting in different places, exhausted, and his blood pressure was extemely low like 69/48 and 74/55 and 89/65 and then it went back up to a normal reading 115/70ish. I called the after hours nurse and had the on call Dr. call and speak with him. Adrian is super great at downplaying his symptoms so I'm not sure exactly what was said between the two. He told me that she said those numbers were too low and if it continued then he should make a trip to the ER. He already has an appointment on Tuesday so he asked her can't he just wait until then. She told him if he feels better then wait but watch his blood pressure and how he feels closely. So he goes tomorrow but he has been up and down all day. He's in a terrible mood which helps me know he doesn't feel well (that's his MO). I'm pretty concerned about him. The next thing to worry about is finances. We are really having a super hard time. We are having the hardest time even making rent. Today my daughter and I made a two week menu that we bought groceries for and the grocery bill just made me sick to my stomach. We were very frugal too. My daughter is having to help pretty much with her whole check this Friday for rent and we just hope we have enough. I'm just scared.

Betsy I'm learning to love my lists. I have been praying for your baby grandson...I hope he is doing better.

Thank you David! Heather it is mind boggling to me, and I'm about to have this surgery. I'm going to have to go wash dishes at the hospital for a very long time.

I am psyching myself up for my appointment with the gynecologist oncologist which is next Friday. Getting my questions written up and trying to think positive. I am especially proud of myself because the last 2 days I have written a list and I have gotten everything done except 2. I really like checking things off. I got a list pad that is cute and has check off boxes and is not really long (like half the length of regular list pads). Each of the nights and early in the morning when I first get up I make my list for the coming day. I find that I am starting to finish easy stuff first. I think that check mark gives me motivation and I'm sticking with each thing finish to end. Such a huge accomplishment! Say a little prayer for my husband he just interviewed for a job that is $4 more per hour! Now that will be a blessing we are really struggling financially. I have realized setting up my file system that I have so many unpaid medical bills. I just keep getting more! It's a bit scary. Hope everyone is doing well and God bless!

I agree Yvonne, I called my Landlord ASAP and told him we had a problem.

Lin I walked in my living-room one day and there sitting on the very top of my rocking chair was....you guessed it a squirrel. My kitty was excited and had the idea this looked like a great time to get herself one of those. She ran after it and the squirrel went crazy jumping from top to top of my furniture and it seemed like bouncing off walls. My kitty took one good look and ran in the bedroom and got on the bed. LOL My husband came in with a laundry basket and tried to catch it in between it's fits and then he left the same way he came in. Needless to say we found an area where he got through and down into the house and we covered and closed it. That was a story to tell!

We have a squirrel family who comes back to our attic every year and builds their apartments, towns, and mansions. Every year we have find where they have found a way to get in and close it up and block it. They always find a way back in. My Landlord said it has been happening for many years and they cover and close and keep them out and they always find a way. So this year we have heard little feet scampering across the plastic piece that sits behind our gutters. The areas that they had going to the attic here have been fixed and even with chicken wire so they won't chew through. These are little feet, babies, and they go back and forth up there and sometimes i get to say hello cause they will look out over the gutter or they stick their little noses through a small open area that is where my porch cover starts. They're cute and I am an animal lover but I know they could do all sorts of damage in the attic so allowing them to winter up there is a really bad idea so we do our best to keep them out. So a couple of days ago my daughter had opened the front door because we were leaving and quickly asked " What in the world is that mom." She was lokking at my fall wreath I had put up just a few days ago. I looked and right on the top behind the flowers and scarecrow was a biscuit. I laughed and explained it was a biscuit and went outside and retrieved it from my wreath. I brought it in and you could see little nibbles had been taken from it. I hadn't made any biscuits but someone had and the baby squirrels stole one and hid it in my wreath. I'm still fussing at myself for not taking a picture before I got it down. We both have had the best laughs and stories to tell our family. I hope you get a laugh too. I'm putting another picture of my wreath but the back way so you can imagine.

Thanks Heather yes i am glad I didn't just say yes to an IUD because this in turn helped the Dr. make the decision to even do the D&C. I may have not found out so early. I have decided to think about the positives one of those being I won't be anemic all the time. This is a great outcome from surgery.

I really enjoyed doing this and I loved hanging it today....I feel very proud and learning new ways to use my time.

Thank you Sue I hope so too.