Stroke Survivor - female
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About tmciriani

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    Chief Mentor
  • Birthday 12/02/1971

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  • Stroke Anniversary (first stroke)
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  1. Deigh I think I would enjoy anything you write. You have a way with words. Please do let us know when you finish it.
  2. Thank you to all of you. I don't feel quite as alone when you are all around. I'm going to try to keep positive and not rush for something. Things will start happening in my life and it can only go forward.
  3. Pearls I can so relate to your post. I think I have felt 99% of what you have and still do at times. This thing I had or this thing that took everything from me is without mercy. One of the biggest things I have found myself doing is defining my world again. It feels wrong, it feels foreign, I have asked myself how long I will feel this way. I wish I knew the answer. My first few months were much like yours I was just not in my head. Other people had to take care of me. I ave over time gotten better than I was. I have learned that defining my world happens with boundaries. Once I leave those boundaries I feel as scared and unusual as I ever did. I'm still trying to figure out who Tracy is. What does she like. What are her new dreams. What does she like and dislike. It's made me a bit closed minded to others around me. I am always trying to define me and sometimes that is all see. I have small things that I have decided belong to what I want, need, like and want to experience for myself. It can be as simple as my planner which I never carried before but now it is a part of me. I decorate it and spend time with it and work harder to make it work for me. I feel like finding those answers is slow but not impossible. I also think it is different for all of us. You are stronger than you realize ( someone said that to me recently ). We are victims who have spent multiple years defining ourselves and now without our permission it has all been changed. Where does it begin and where does it end. What do I accept as myself (even if new) and what do I fight to define myself. Your words spoke to me. All I can do is relate and tell you this is a journey not a destination. Know that I am here listening and supporting you. I send you lots of hugs and love and a hope that you are still ready to answer even a few of your questions. We will be with you.
  4. Change the Good the Bad

    I am here forcing myself to write because I just haven't felt like it but it is good. The last month has been extraordinarily hard and lonely. It's funny how a person really takes on a companion's or spouse's likes and dislikes. Ok at least for me it is. I have pondered on who is Tracy many times this month and what do I like and what do I not like. For the most part I can tell that my partner and my daughter were my big triggers for panic attacks. I have really only had 2 which is better than it has been. My obsessive/compulsive thoughts are less than before I left. I still have fatigue, night time vision problems, a slight stutter, some balance issues, and headaches. So I will talk about the bad first. Before I moved from my home and from Adrian, my days were unpredictable and I wondered if we were good. I was paranoid about what he did all the time. I was compulsive, my moods were so up and down. I do know I loved Adrian...and I still do. Unfortunately, it doesn't just stop...go away. The first week of staying with my father were excruciating. Everything I had known and depended on everyday was gone, changed, instantly not the same. I felt odd, like I was in another body...all I could do was feel pain and cry. I contemplated calling him, pleading with him to go back to what we knew...what I knew. This was so difficult not to do. My emotional lability was affected more than ever, sometimes every minute. I think that is how I took steps was minute by minute...hour by by day. I thought of nothing else. No car, living back with my father, alone, no hope or vision of the future. Day by day I began to do things. Cook my dinner, wash my clothes, make my bed, decorate my planner, and I began to have a bit of a routine. There were less bouts of crying and hopelessness though this still happened every day. My cat was scared being in a new place and I could barely find her...she would hide. I missed her going to sleep with me each night and generally being there with me. This too got better...she finally felt she had 2 rooms she could feel safe in..the formal livingroom and my bedroom. Then one morning I woke with her laying sleeping by my head. I really almost cried. I still didn't have my own transportation for the first 3 and half weeks. My sister was so wonderful to let me take her 2nd car that she didn't use as my own. It was a nice SUV but had sat for about a year and it had problems now. My mom had it towed to her mechanic and he began working on it until finally one day my mom and step dad surprised me with it. Wow what a day! To feel a kind of freedom for myself meant so much! I drove for two days before it broke down again and back to the mechanic it went. My mom and step dad were paying to have this vehicle fixed safe for me. I am truly blessed that I came here with 0 (NOTHING) and no way of attaining funds for myself. What a wonderful family I really do have...a place to live because of my father, a car because of my sister, and a working car and even some spending money because of my mom and step dad. I sat back and thought about each thing and how blessed I really am. I am still lonely and it feels hollow. I probably call my mother and step mother more times per week than any person should lol. So slowly and carefully I am emerging...each day is a little better. I am trying to choose the positive things I remember about Adrian and I. It seems like it would be so much easier to just forget everything but after ten years I don't think you can. "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson
  5. Pam I can only speak for myself but my blog like yours is me and my story, the way I feel, the good, the bad, anything I want to write and for me sometimes venting is necessary for me. Letting go of my negative and not holding it in is important for me. I have to get it out and that makes me feel better. I blog for me and I'm glad you blog for you. I don't feel that letting your negative out makes you a less positive person. A blog is personal and no one has to read it or follow it but it releases things I have no other positive way of releasing. I think it makes me more positive in real life which counts more than anything. Pam you let it out. I am not trying to be argumentative at all but I agree with Asha that we are individuals and each have our own way of coping with whatever comes our way and I encourage you to be and do you.
  6. Wow Kathy my heart goes out to you. I had a stroke alomost 2 years ago but had been in a relationship with the same man for 10 years. He and I have been so close. He was my best friend. He has stayed during my last 2 years of recovery and everything seemed fine sorta. For one he is an ^%$%%%* is something I had accepted and knew how to handle this (before the stroke). Second he had such a hard time realizing I have stroke effects because I look fine but my issues are cognitive and psychological. I moved out almost a month ago because he began seeing a girl 30 years his junior. I know your pain. It will feel so hard at first, surround yourself with people you love and be good to yourself. You have the right thought of focusing on you and your daughter. It gets easier...with time and keep busy. I am not sure if his actions are stroke related or something else all I do know is that you need to put you first right now. I hope that things happen the way it should. Be careful and protect yourself and ask yourself can you feel good and happy which includes your daughter after such an upheaval. David is right he didn't deserve this stroke but you didn't deserve this. I am sending my hugs to you for this pain you have right now and I send you the very best.
  7. Scott that is absolutely great news. A good, caring Doctor that listens and his goal is you as a patient is rare. He does seem like he is very knowledgeable and I know that having a Doctor give you possibilities instead of overlooking or avoiding means so much. I'm so happy for you Scott. You know of course that we all want to know how things are going.
  8. Pam I am so happy you are getting positive results. I know for you the relief has to be life changing. I'm so sorry that the experience was much less positive. For me, I do have fears and aha I have feelings. I would agree that maybe these medical professionals day was not the best. Compassion and bedside manner in general unfortunately isn't everyone's strong point but whole heartedly believe it should be for these professionals. Individuals that haven't (more than likely) experienced most of the things that we as patients are fighting in my opinion need to have a compassion that overpowers this. I believe that being treated with such compassion that it can make a world of difference in accomplishing these sometimes grueling procedures just to help our lives maybe even the smallest amount. Enjoy your positive results and try to not allow yourself to be affected for future procedures by less than compassionate medical staff. I believe it is their problem. I send you my hugs and support and I am always here for you even while venting it's natural and healing I think.
  9. First, Deb I want to say it's nice to meet you. I feel very confident that you have come to a great site for information, answers, sharing, and celebrating. I myself had a massive bilateral cerebellar stroke; although I am only 45. Time and work has been the best thing for my recovery. Learning to listen to my mental and physical needs. Support from my family and the wonderful support I have gotten here. Other survivors and I have this way of understanding each other in a way that is hard for those who haven't experienced a stroke. I'm so glad they found a reason for your father's stroke...this is a huge known! Doctors will be really able to help another stroke from happening. Time and work. I can't say those two things enough. Also watch for your father's mood and energy. Depression is very common after a stroke and can get in the way of recovery. With today's medicines one doesn't need to suffer needlessly. Your support will mean so much. You also need to be good to yourself and listen to your own needs. It's unfortunate that your older sisters have remained less optimistic than you. I hope that your father still will have the support of all of you. Best wishes and there should be more answers to follow.
  10. It's nice to meet you Mark. I'm glad that you have seen such improvements in your recovery. This is a great sight both for information and connection to others who have experienced and understand what you did and are going through. Please let me know if I could be of any help on this site and i will do my best or find someone who can. Best of wishes.
  11. I loved reading your blog. I understand sorta having very little that you call your own for the moment. Moving in with my Dad meant leaving everything I knew behind in storage for an unknown amount of time. Having something you love for whatever reason and can call your own is so important psychologically. You seem such a kind heart but strong...strong for others who may not have strength at the moment. I know this is something I want for my feel strong and caring and helpful to myself and others. I see so much that does not fit this in the world that I know it's how I want to be. I want to know that there is someone that is a helper for me because I have accepted that I need helpers. Thanks for sharing.
  12. Hi will find a great source of information and support here. I am a survivor as well but I know how difficult it was especially the first year for my family. It was tough and still is at times. I can tell you that through all of my emotional upheaval, Dr.'s appointments, therapy, self doubt, depression I know in my heart how hard my family worked to take care of me and put up with me . I knew more than anyone how difficult I was at times I just couldn't use my brain to communicate to my outside world like I needed to on the inside. This does get better. Time is your friend. Make sure you be good to yourselves and make plans to take a break on occasion and hopefully it will help even out the times that are so difficult. Know that he loves you and even though his actions or words may not fit that in himself he knows this. There is a big disturbance for a lot of survivors of communicating what is on the inside rather than what shows on the outside. I wish you all the best.
  13. Many many thanks for all the positive posts. I needed them. It's been so up and down but I think it is getting easier. Some days I feel like a warrior and others I feel like a scared child but I think it's good that now sometimes I do have those warrior days!
  14. Phwew today has been a hard day. For no reason in particular. Just sad today. I was feeling so much better about my choices and now I just feel that terrible feeling inside. Everything is wrong and I feel so out of place. Just feeling overwhelmed and so emotional...crying for no reason. I feel really lonely. I really do.
  15. What Becky said!