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Stroke Survivor - female
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About tmciriani

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    Chief Mentor
  • Birthday 12/02/1971

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  • Stroke Anniversary (first stroke)
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  1. PaulNash you have officially made my day or more. That was a picture from about 2 1/2 years ago now that's a compliment. Thank you friend.
  2. I thought this would pass along some humor. Seems that at least since my stroke I have claimed to be one year older than I am. Today is my Birthday and I am 45! In my planner it says "My Birthday 46". My mom recently corrected my math error. The bad thing is that I think I was already off before the stroke because I could have sworn I was 43 when it happened but I was actually 42. Hope this brings a giggle.
  3. Hi all my friends and new people who have joined. It's been a long while since I messaged here and a lot has changed. Just been a bit down lately worrying about my disability case and my daughter and just a bit blah.. I got my 2nd denial letter for disability last month and am now waiting for a hearing which my lawyer told me today may take 12-14 months. I am now almost 2years out from beginning the application and I just get tired of thinking about it. My daughter has had a reoccurance of her anxiety with panic attacks since starting her new job. She hasn't had a panic attack since she was 16 and now at 21 she is having them each week and missing work and worrying about her job. YTou know how us moms worry about our children. I feel so helpless to do anything for her but I can be a good ear and encourage her. I have missed speaking with everyone and hopefully i will get this blah feeling past me soon and get back more often. I hope all of you are doing well! Thank you all. Tracy
  4. Hi Darin, I'm glad you decided to talk about what has happened. Feeling alone or misunderstood is so hard. I can promise you that the good majority of the others here have felt that at one time or another. BTW you are a survivor...a stroke is a stroke is a stroke. Stroke's don't always have such a positive ending and I am glad yours has been the opposite. Stroke fatigue is very real and a huge part of what I have and still do struggle with. This site is a great place for information, message boards, chat, blogs, and generally great support. Welcome.
  5. From the Frying Pan to the Stove

    It's been a while since I've written a blog and been really active on the site. First of all I miss those of you I know here but I have been sort of recovering and regrouping after leaving Adrian and moving back into my Dad's house. There has been a lot of positive...my anxiety has been less, I have my own transportation, I am still waiting for the second round of disability decisions, I am close to family, my daughter is doing wonderful and is so good to me sending me $50 every other week to help me, I've been making my own choices, I even have my sleep so much better now getting to bed between 8:30 and 10. So many good things. Something has happened though 4 different times which I need to get off my chest. My Dad and I get along most of the time but he is a huge trigger at times and can evoke a pretty big anxiety attack in me at times. Once because he told me not to put my hair up in a pony tail anymore that my step mom had cut my hair and "the pony tail looked like *beep*". It was an immediate trigger and I couldn't stop the attack. I finally got to my room took my anxiety medication and finally fell asleep. A second time was him telling me "If that guy called right now I bet you would go back to him because you are stupid.". He wouldn't stop even when I begged him. I ended up half blindly driving to where my step mom is staying at my Grandmother's so I could calm down. Both of the other 2 times have been about my weight. I have gained 50 pounds since my stroke. I joined a gym a week ago so I can be healthier which hopefully will help my weight as well. He has called me fat, told me I don't care about how I look, told me he wouldn't leave me alone, to go ahead and cry until I can't cry anymore because he doesn't care, more times that I am stupid. I can't stay at the house when he gets like that because he won't stop and the anxiety attack just gets worse and worse. Each time I have gone to my Grandmother's...each time right in the middle of a pretty severe anxiety attack. It's wearing on me. I find myself just silent and to myself more and more. My Psychiatrist is concerned...he made the statement "You fell from the frying pan onto the stove.". He shows more compassion and care than any Doctor I have ever had and we talk about what my future plans are and he encourages me. I just needed to get this off my chest. My hope is that in the future I will live by myself and make all my choices and be free of the hot spots. It won't be perfect but I think I would feel so much better.
  6. Thanks Sandy...feeling better each week
  7. On my way to a healthier me

    Today I am officially a member of a health club!! My daughter is the best! I went into this big bright workout space and toured Planet Fitness. I go back at 1:00 today to go over what I am looking for and to make goals. I can't wait! This will give me several things. 1st and foremost working on getting healthier and with that I hope to lose the weight I have put on since the stroke and maybe even more. This is also a way for me to spend some of my day. I need so much to 'get out'. I have time everyday to work on my goals and just enjoy a new atmosphere all at the same time. I am so excited I just wanted to share!
  8. Thank you to all of you. I don't feel quite as alone when you are all around. I'm going to try to keep positive and not rush for something. Things will start happening in my life and it can only go forward.
  9. Change the Good the Bad

    I am here forcing myself to write because I just haven't felt like it but it is good. The last month has been extraordinarily hard and lonely. It's funny how a person really takes on a companion's or spouse's likes and dislikes. Ok at least for me it is. I have pondered on who is Tracy many times this month and what do I like and what do I not like. For the most part I can tell that my partner and my daughter were my big triggers for panic attacks. I have really only had 2 which is better than it has been. My obsessive/compulsive thoughts are less than before I left. I still have fatigue, night time vision problems, a slight stutter, some balance issues, and headaches. So I will talk about the bad first. Before I moved from my home and from Adrian, my days were unpredictable and I wondered if we were good. I was paranoid about what he did all the time. I was compulsive, my moods were so up and down. I do know I loved Adrian...and I still do. Unfortunately, it doesn't just stop...go away. The first week of staying with my father were excruciating. Everything I had known and depended on everyday was gone, changed, instantly not the same. I felt odd, like I was in another body...all I could do was feel pain and cry. I contemplated calling him, pleading with him to go back to what we knew...what I knew. This was so difficult not to do. My emotional lability was affected more than ever, sometimes every minute. I think that is how I took steps too...it was minute by minute...hour by hour...day by day. I thought of nothing else. No car, living back with my father, alone, no hope or vision of the future. Day by day I began to do things. Cook my dinner, wash my clothes, make my bed, decorate my planner, and I began to have a bit of a routine. There were less bouts of crying and hopelessness though this still happened every day. My cat was scared being in a new place and I could barely find her...she would hide. I missed her going to sleep with me each night and generally being there with me. This too got better...she finally felt she had 2 rooms she could feel safe in..the formal livingroom and my bedroom. Then one morning I woke with her laying sleeping by my head. I really almost cried. I still didn't have my own transportation for the first 3 and half weeks. My sister was so wonderful to let me take her 2nd car that she didn't use as my own. It was a nice SUV but had sat for about a year and it had problems now. My mom had it towed to her mechanic and he began working on it until finally one day my mom and step dad surprised me with it. Wow what a day! To feel a kind of freedom for myself meant so much! I drove for two days before it broke down again and back to the mechanic it went. My mom and step dad were paying to have this vehicle fixed safe for me. I am truly blessed that I came here with 0 (NOTHING) and no way of attaining funds for myself. What a wonderful family I really do have...a place to live because of my father, a car because of my sister, and a working car and even some spending money because of my mom and step dad. I sat back and thought about each thing and how blessed I really am. I am still lonely and it feels hollow. I probably call my mother and step mother more times per week than any person should lol. So slowly and carefully I am emerging...each day is a little better. I am trying to choose the positive things I remember about Adrian and I. It seems like it would be so much easier to just forget everything but after ten years I don't think you can. "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson
  10. Pam I can only speak for myself but my blog like yours is me and my story, the way I feel, the good, the bad, anything I want to write and for me sometimes venting is necessary for me. Letting go of my negative and not holding it in is important for me. I have to get it out and that makes me feel better. I blog for me and I'm glad you blog for you. I don't feel that letting your negative out makes you a less positive person. A blog is personal and no one has to read it or follow it but it releases things I have no other positive way of releasing. I think it makes me more positive in real life which counts more than anything. Pam you let it out. I am not trying to be argumentative at all but I agree with Asha that we are individuals and each have our own way of coping with whatever comes our way and I encourage you to be and do you.
  11. Wow Kathy my heart goes out to you. I had a stroke alomost 2 years ago but had been in a relationship with the same man for 10 years. He and I have been so close. He was my best friend. He has stayed during my last 2 years of recovery and everything seemed fine sorta. For one he is an ^%$%%%*...it is something I had accepted and knew how to handle this (before the stroke). Second he had such a hard time realizing I have stroke effects because I look fine but my issues are cognitive and psychological. I moved out almost a month ago because he began seeing a girl 30 years his junior. I know your pain. It will feel so hard at first, surround yourself with people you love and be good to yourself. You have the right thought of focusing on you and your daughter. It gets easier...with time and keep busy. I am not sure if his actions are stroke related or something else all I do know is that you need to put you first right now. I hope that things happen the way it should. Be careful and protect yourself and ask yourself can you feel good and happy which includes your daughter after such an upheaval. David is right he didn't deserve this stroke but you didn't deserve this. I am sending my hugs to you for this pain you have right now and I send you the very best.
  12. Pam I am so happy you are getting positive results. I know for you the relief has to be life changing. I'm so sorry that the experience was much less positive. For me, I do have fears and aha I have feelings. I would agree that maybe these medical professionals day was not the best. Compassion and bedside manner in general unfortunately isn't everyone's strong point but whole heartedly believe it should be for these professionals. Individuals that haven't (more than likely) experienced most of the things that we as patients are fighting in my opinion need to have a compassion that overpowers this. I believe that being treated with such compassion that it can make a world of difference in accomplishing these sometimes grueling procedures just to help our lives maybe even the smallest amount. Enjoy your positive results and try to not allow yourself to be affected for future procedures by less than compassionate medical staff. I believe it is their problem. I send you my hugs and support and I am always here for you even while venting it's natural and healing I think.
  13. I loved reading your blog. I understand sorta having very little that you call your own for the moment. Moving in with my Dad meant leaving everything I knew behind in storage for an unknown amount of time. Having something you love for whatever reason and can call your own is so important psychologically. You seem such a kind heart but strong...strong for others who may not have strength at the moment. I know this is something I want for my life...to feel strong and caring and helpful to myself and others. I see so much that does not fit this in the world that I know it's how I want to be. I want to know that there is someone that is a helper for me because I have accepted that I need helpers. Thanks for sharing.
  14. Thanks you guys...feeling better inside.