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Stroke Survivor - male
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About Flasharino

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  1. Thanks to everyone who takes the time and effort to help. I respect the beliefs of others even if I do not share them so long as you do the same and do not try to push your beliefs on me. I am told that after more than a year I am still in a mourning phase. It is difficult to accept all that I have lost or never had in my life. I have been through many difficult things in my life. My hope is that there is something more and there is a reason for all this and that things will be better - after I leave this world I guess.
  2. I respect your belief, however I have a hard time with that myself. I can not find any way to believe that there is a reason my an innocent baby would get raped by an ignorant man who believes that it will cure his HIV. I have a hard time understanding that there is a reason my a 13 year old girl gets blown up by a man because she (probably) doesn't believe in his god. Didn't the bomber use his own Free Will to perform that act or was is God's will to violently slaughter innocent, young girls?
  3. I've been told that I am still in a mourning phase almost 13 months after my stroke. Can someone point me to information about average numbers, or timelines for this sort of thing? Thanks,
  4. Thanks for the encouraging words.
  5. I don't know that there is any 'mastering' of that - it's just a matter of where your limit is. And I believe that there always is a limit. I tend to make a rather active and vivid imagination, and one of the thoughts that came to me going through all this was a couple demons, sitting in a brimstone came 'down there' evilly (I don't know what the word is when you rub your hands together in that motion) with a dialog something like this: "What can we do to him now?" "Oh, I got it - let's take a big chunk of that precious brain of his!" "Ohhhhhh, you're goooooooddddd...... I love it!"
  6. ((((hug back))))
  7. I appreciate the meaning and intent of the quote, however my eyesight was severely impacted by my stroke so, ironically, I can not, and most likely will never drive again.
  8. Sometimes it feels like I am being tested or something to see how much I can take till my 'limit' is reached.
  9. It just hit me this morning the things I have survived in my life and I thought I'd share them. 1) I had an alcoholic father (how had an alcoholic father) 2) I had a 6-year older constantly bullying brother who was diagnosed (in Absentia) as having a Personality Disorder 3) Colon cancer - my father and both his brothers died of it 4) An inexplicably disintegrated hip joint and replacement 5) A large stroke I thought that the worst was over already. Silly me....
  10. I'm pretty new here in fact this is only my second post. I waited until I was 50 years old to get married because I take promises and valves very seriously and I knew that this was something that I was only going to do once in my life. I finally found the right person a few years ago and we are married going on three years. I was wondering what the rest of you thought about this question. At some point or another how many of you have ever thought that my spouse would be better off without me? I can't work, I screw things up all the time, it seems like I'm just dead weight here and a burden sometimes.
  11. Thank you all for your kind, encouraging words. The tears running down my face say more than I need to write.
  12. Saint Patric's day last week marked one year since my stroke. It was totally unexpected as I had had a stress test a few years proir which indicated that my risk of a stroke was extremely low. I have always been very fit and health consious. I used to run 5 miles every day and took my bicycle with me when I travelled abroad for work. The stroke happened the day after I underwent surgery to replace my inexplicably disintigrated hip joint. I have read that having over 150 SCUBA dives may have contributed to the problem. Anyway, the stroke destroyed more then half of my vision, most of my short term memory, much of my domestic and home-improvement skills, I can barely read, etc. Fortunately I have a lovely wife who has supported me through the whole process. I imagine that if I was on my own there is a pretty good chance I would have thrown in the towel by now. Yesterday was the first time in my life that I have ever had the thought "Life - you win - I can't take this any more". I would never (so I say at this point in time - they say never say never - who knows what tomorrow will bring) take my own life, but that was how I felt. I live in a rural area too far to walk to any businesses or commercial areas. I could take Uber or a taxi if I needed to get out. My wife works full time plus manages another business that we own. Technically, I am a member if Mensa. For those of you who are not familiar with it, Mensa is known as 'The High IQ Society'. You need to test in the top 2% of standardized IQ tests in order to qualify. I would not be able to take the test today if I tried. My reading level is probably about 2nd grade level due to my compromised vision. I can't remember why I walked into a different room several times everny day. Earlier this winter one day while my wife was at work I stopped to seriously consider whether I was existing in hell. I honestly stopped to consider that question - was I being tourmented over and over to see how much I could take till I broke. I am estranged from my family. My father was an alcoholic and my mother's mother was divorced, which was a scandelous thing those days and she told my mother that she was an accident and that she ruined her life when she was a little girl. My older brother was 6 years older than me and was never kind towards me, to say the least. He bullied me constantly. One of the many therapists I have seen during my life said that it sounds like he has a Personality Disorder. I wrote a whole, big story about my family on the now-defunct Experience Project site a few years ago. If anyone wants to get bummed out or maybe feel good about how much better their own life is I will be glad to send you a copy of the story. Anyway, enough of my complaining. Thanks for reading and I hope your day is pleasant. Flash
  13. Welcome to StrokeNet. Please feel free to browse around and get to know the others. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask.