PaulNash

That's great! Perseverance often (but not always) brings rewards.

You have my sympathy. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. My wife (who is also my primary caregiver) had quite a battle just coming to grips with the fact that I will never be the same, and that she now has to take responsibility for a lot of stuff that used to me mine. She is also now the primary breadwinner, which is a turnabout that she is not happy with. My impairments are nowhere near as bad as many on this board. What has worked for us is that she has forced me to re-take responsibility for many aspects of my life, plus to take responsibility for some aspects of our joint life. It has not been easy for her, and not been easy for me, but she has pushed me to make decisions, first small, then bigger, then really important. Her trick, I suppose, was to put me in a position where I *HAD* to take responsibility for something, even if it was small and unimportant. It took some time before I was comfortable doing that, but then she could start pushing me to be responsible for bigger decisions. Maybe try to find household chores that your wife can do (even if just choosing what to eat for dinner) and build from there. The difficult part is figuring out how to make her take that responsibility, hence starting small. And in the meantime, take time to look after yourself. I'm a big believer in exercise for mood issues. Walk, run, cycle, whatever. She'll survive without you for as long as it takes, and the break will probably be a good thing for both of you. And this is *really* important. As you have found, you can't help her if you are in a bad way. And if there is any way to convince her that volunteering will *help* keep you, that would make it easier for her to get out and about. Good luck, keep us posted, and come and unload here. We're here to support you and do anything that we can to help.

> no-one forces us to be caregivers, we do it out of love or a sense of duty. I have an enormous admiration for anyone supporting family or friends with a chronic illness, _especially_ anything that affects their brain (stroke, demote, depression, senile decay), and _especially_ over the long term. It shows a level of love and caring that goes far beyond what anyone could reasonably expect. Nonetheless, I still feel guilty about the additional burdens that _my_ injury places on _her_. I'm also very aware of the impact that my loss of earnings has on our finances and our previous plans. This is not to negate your point in any way. Just emotions are not always rational. I was raised in a Calvinist household, so we were all taught to feel guilty from an early age. We were also taught that our role in life was to serve, not to be served, and that being ill was some sort of moral failing. It's hard to shake that sort of stuff. I'm afraid that this is a bit incoherent ...

Unfortunately, it's a part of life. Do whatever helps you to cope. Sit in a corner. Cry. Throw things (preferably outdoors). Hug someone. Exercise. Sleep. Watch Netflix. Scream in the woods.

I am sorry that you've had no response. I have huge admiration for anyone who is able to cope with caring for someone with stoke. I am sure that there are many caregivers out there who can use support, just do not know where to look.

James I like your wife's response :-).

I've done most of the cooking since before I was married. My wife hates cooking, but two of my kids enjoy it (provided they don't have to do it every day and don't have to clean up :-)). We've always tried to eat healthily, since my stroke we have been making and even bigger effort to stick with food that remembers where it came from. As much fresh veg and fruit as possible, little meat (preferably non-feedlot, even if that means very small portions). We're also trying to cut carbs, unless there are roast potatoes, in which case we pig out. When we were first married, we lived on 100 acres of bush, so were able to grow our own food, including milk (goats) and meat (sheep). The only thing that kept me in shape was clearing the lots to grow vegetables, chasing livestock and all the rest that comes with rural life.

Hi Chris My heart goes out to you. I have seen the impact that my stroke has had on my wife and on our relationship. The good news is that, depending on the specifics of the stroke, things can change. After 3 1/2 years of being the patient to my wife's caregiver, being withdrawn and passive, doubting myself and waiting for others to make decisions and take the lead, I have started to force myself to occupy some of the space that I inhabited earlier. It's not easy to do, and even less easy to start. It took a massive kick in the *beep* to get me going, but I am grateful for that kick. I kick myself daily to keep showing up, and to keep moving (whether forward or sideways is moot). I don't know whether your husband is capable of significant change, and if so, what will motivate him. Or whether anything that you do can trigger or support that motivation. I can only hope and pray that he will wake up, so that you can both start living again. Until then, the least that we can offer you an understanding shoulder to cry on. Others may have brilliant ideas. PS: Don't underestimate the impact that the stroke has had on you, in many different and subtle ways. Try to care for yourself. PPS: 18 months is not a long time in stroke recovery. Some changes happen in days, some in weeks or months, and some take years. To use a threadbare cliche: "this is a marathon, not a sprint". If you're a runner, there are several more appropriate analogies.

What I wanted and needed most, especially immediately after my stroke, was someone who would give me some comfort and support (nothing special, just hanging around or chatting), who would calm my fears when I get anxious (again, nothing special, just saying "it'll be OK"), and who made it clear that they were in this for the long haul, and were not going to abandon me. First thing to to be there and to be present. Next is to ask him what he wants or needs. Often just having someone there, or holding a hand, is all that os needed. You will do a great job; your friend is lucky to have you.

Wow. You write beautifully; I wish that I could take some of the pain away from you.

I've got the same problem, but other way around. I crash when I get into bed, usually asleep within minutes, but wake after 5 or 6 hours, and cannot get back to sleep. So I get up and start a l_o_n_g day. And sleeping pills seem to have no real effect, other than leaving me fuzzy-headed when I wake up 6 hours later.

You write really well. Please stitch your postings, thoughts and diary into a book. I, for one, will buy it as soon as it comes out. As for the rest, Happy Birthday.

Good for you, Pam. Lots and lots of applause from this end.

My heart goes out to you. Grief is not contagious, and if venting helps, do it. You listen to others' pain here and help them, we can listen to yours and try to help you. I wept reading this. Life really is unfair; if I could take some of your burden, I would do it in a heartbeat. So would others. We love you. Believe this.

This made me cry. You have given him a most amazing legacy.

I used to suffer from chronic allergic sinusitis as a kid. My mother's treatment took some getting used to, but worked wonders: Mix a medium-size down full of blood-temperature water with a couple of tablespoons full of table salt (amount of salt needed varies with size of bowl). Submerge your face in the bowl and sniff. Let the slat water come up your nose and into your mouth. Take your head out of the bowl, spit out the salt water. Repeat several time per session, several sessions per day as needed. It sounds really gross, and the first sniff is really difficult to do (survival instincts kicking in), but it is not unpleasant and it really works. This was the only thing that let me breathe through my nose in the spring. I still do it as an adult whenever I have a bad cold or flu and am feeling bunged up. It's a lot easier to snort saltwater now (practice :-)), and it really helps.

Dear Nancy My heart goes out to you; if there was any way to take away some of your pain, we'd do it like a shot. You probably have your own answers to your questions, but here goes anyway: You can only do what you can do. It will not help him or you for you to destroy yourself totally; you need to stay as strong as you can and to live your life. He has decided to die, which I don't agree with but can sympathize with. It must hurt you enormously to watch, and I am sure that he would not want you to be in pain. You are terribly brave to spend the time that you do with him, and you cannot do more than you can do; at least not without damaging yourself badly in the process. For your own sake, and for his, spend what time you can without damaging yourself further. You have been a wonderful wife, companion and helpmeet, but the time has come when he wants to let go. It is time for you to look after yourself, recover from this and start to live again.

Toronto, near Bathurst/401. Immigrated from South Africa 13 years ago, second-best decision of my life. Best was getting married. Wonderful country, amazing people.