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Stroke Caregiver - male
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About Losthubby
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  • Birthday 03/16/1971
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  1. Wow...please take care of yourself. You might need to ask at hospital to find options. Don't wait to long. Will be praying for you.
  2. Losthubby

    Yes....I would say all of the above. I’ll give short short version. Family who has son and daughter Sam age as ours. Went on vacation with them. Nothing ever happened or was even close to happening. The families kinda drifted apart, didn’t hate each other just drifted. After my wife had stroke she saw the wife of the other family had sent me a text asking how my wife was doing and if they could help. That was it. My wife’s best friend knows all parties involved, my wife’s mother knows everyone. Yet my wife thinks I’m cheating on her and having a “relationship” with her. I’m like how in the hell is it possible....I work from home, I don’t go anywhere...how the hell is it even possible? At 1 point she said I was sneaking out in the middle of the night. I’m to lazy to do that. ive just given up on trying to convince her. Her best friend see’s everything, her opinion is, she’s making it all up because she see’s what she can’t be anymore. Which might make sense but I’ve never envied or wanted to see myself in that family or wanted to be like any of them...so...I don’t know. ok...vent over...question has anyone felt smothered by someone after a stroke? It’s like I’m responsible for her happiness....yet I’m miserable and can’t make myself happy...I don’t know. Maybe still venting...
  3. Losthubby

    She was seeing a neuropsychologist just over a year ago, and they did 2 half days of testing to determine how mentally stroke affected her. Results said little common sense and little logical thinking. Some short term memory. After she got those, she was not happy and would not go back, didn’t believe it’s true. I’ll try again. Just keeps getting harder. She doesn’t trust me, constantly snooping around, going through my wallet. The last one I didn’t know, her mom lives with us and told me things she has said and was doing. See what I can find. Thank you all
  4. Losthubby

    So a Psychiatrist is the type of doctor for her or both of us?
  5. Losthubby

    This weekend has been rough. Everyone has been brought up in different ways, beliefs, strengths and weaknesses. I was brought up to believe that no matter what this situation is, can find a way to help, make things better or fix. Yesterday....I was a beaten and defeated person. Believing that I could at least make things better no matter what the situation was. Things feel like getting worse. Me giving up on her makes me feel like a complete failure, and it’s hard for me to accept that, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I would almost feel better off dead or just disappearing into the wilderness and never be seen again. I feel defeated, miserable but feeling like I would let everyone down. Completely torn over how I feel vs right and wrong vs “the right thing to do”. I’m questioning everything about myself now. Weak, confused and defeated..... I don’t know
  6. Losthubby

    Thank you all for the thoughts. Therapist brought up of putting me on a 72 hour watch. Didn’t do it ...at least yet. 3 or 4 years ago, was in the best shape of my life. Doing 1/2 marathons, du-athalons and other races. Had lost 50 or 60lbs...2 years I put my life and running on hold. Weight back on, just like starting over. Which the 1 thing I could use is, something positive to get me some confidence. Our family spends a lot of time outside. Something I got for my wife to use is a stationary bike, has a back to it so don’t have to balance herself. The hopefully she could get 1 of those bikes that lays back and we could go riding together. She has used it 3 times in past year. I can’t find anything to encourage her to do anything to help her get back outside...not like it was, but just get out side. No luck at all. I can’t afford to get everything. What am I supposed to do with my life? My batteries are drained, live on a working cattle farm, the have my regular job. I can’t have a “normal/adult” conversation with her. Just sick of the crap accusations from her. My daughter is sick of them. Our best friends down the road are sick of them. Best friend had told me that he would have told her to get lost a while ago. I’m trying to be understanding...but something has to change. Part of issue is my therapist told me that I’m scared to death and don’t want to directly or indirectly hurt her. Between that and mysery....don’t know where to go from here. Only solution to me is, disappear off the grid somewhere in northwestern Montana and never be seen again.
  7. Losthubby

    Thank you all. She was seeing a neuropsychologist along with psychologist. The first did 2 - 1/2 days of testing to determine what was affected mental. In short logical thinking and reasoning. Me being a “logical” person... anyway she did NOT like hearing that, the results and wouldn’t go back. The only way I can describe how I feel...if you don’t know the song, Fade To Black by Metallica...you don’t have to listen to the song, just read the lyrics. I just don’t want to try ....anything anymore. Thanks you again for the words of advice
  8. Losthubby

    I feel selfish for asking this question...but how can I be happy again, or see a future for me. She can’t do anything that she use to do, sits watching soaps and lifetime. Idea of like an adult day care....something to force her to learn how others do things and do with others....she went ballistic on me for that. I’m out of ideas to help her and see nothing but mysry for me. Just would like to be happy and be able to relax. 3 month headache doesn’t help either. Just wish I felt anything I did I would get....I guess satisfaction from it. Instead it’s grief. Only solution I see is cabin in middle of nowhere, no electricity, internet. Just peace and quiet in nature. Unfortunately there is only 1 group that is at a time I can make, an hour north of me. But the day is tough with the kids. I never understood the difference between all those Psych* thank you
  9. Hello, Im at an emotional breaking point. For better or worse....im a caring person, i do anything in my power to help not only my wife who had the stroke but my entire family. My wifes stroke will be 2 years next month. I know and our whole family knows she isnt doing anything to help herself. Ive posted the rest of my story before...but emotionally and mentally exhausted and shot. Its hard for me to keep trying so hard and nothing helping or making a difference. Me and my wifes mom lives with us we talk when wife isnt around, and this whole thing is dragging her down and...im to the point i want to run away. Ive put my life on hold for 2 years to help her, and all me and her mom get is critized, questioned. She yells at her mom. Some things i dont see, mother in law told me the other day my daughter who is 14 is always joking around and goofing around and she made a funny face mocking mother in law and my wife goes, what was that about in a loud voice. Now, i dont think that happens often, but it did happen. I care, but at what price? Im beyond miserable. I want to run away, i dont want to be around anyone or socialize and i see no future for myself. I just want to disappear. Ive talked to my dad, he is just old school and tells me to brush it off. I dont know how to. I cant have an adult conversation with her. My shrink has told me that im protecting my wife, i dont want to vent or complain because i know she has been through hell. I cant imagine what she is going through...but im human and dont know how much more i can take. or how to deal, cope with or what to do. Help please.
  10. The whole situation is overwhelming. Here is something that I can’t figure out. I know being tired and fatigue are huge players in TBI but ... I wonder though, is she doing her best to get better? I met with my psychologist on Tuesday and she brought up the point that she is so fixated on me, doesn’t do any of her exercises. Maybe this all comes back to her not accepting her “new her” and maybe I haven’t accepted the new her. Anyone know how I can accept it, assuming I haven’t? On Tuesday she brought up the analogy of on an airplane, and putting on the air mask before helping others. Sometimes I feel like she won’t let me. Frustration builds...
  11. Steve, that is something I haven’t thought of. We are both on meds already, I’m just holding on, but not sure what is helping her. I’ve begged her neurologist, general prac. For help, neurologists gave her something but...I don’t know. The other thing that is in the back of my head is, her mom has lived with us for the last 15 years, neither have any other place to go, makes me feel worse thinking about it, and I feel like a bad person for complaining because I know she has been through hell, but I’m miserable and unhappy also. Just torn on what I should, or need to do. Hope I’m making sense and not rambling. But me going to see the neuropsychologist might be an idea. I have trouble sleeping at night worried, thinking, wondering. And I’m on sleep meds. That is something that have talked to my psychiatrist about, to me, my future looks so bleak...that I don’t see a future with me in it or ever see myself happy again. I feel selfish complaining about how unhappy I am. Just a hot mess
  12. Hi Susan, Right now, she doesn’t believe anything I tell her, believes I don’t like her. Nothing I say makes a difference or matters anymore. If it’s encouraging her or giving her ideas on how to do something on her own. She doesn’t make an attempt to help herself. This is bad, but she will only bath herself maybe once every 2 weeks or so. And ... she doesn’t smell good, but she gets *beep* off when we try to tell her things. She yells at her mom. We have a chair lift for the tub, not cheap. Shower chair for walk-in shower. We have tried to provide everything for her to help her, but won’t put in the effort to help herself. She only used the lift maybe twice, now collecting dust. It’s frustrating. Everyone knows she doesn’t put forth effort. Has given our daughter a complex over bathing. Daughter knows she smells, and when this started, daughter will shower every day even if she doesn’t leave the house. If my wife saw these posts, she would go through the roof. She thinks I’m bad mouthing her to others. She doesn’t understand I’m reaching out for help. Steve, thank you for posting that. Do you think at this point she would be...accepting to what a marriage counselor would say? She got mad and upset at the neuro psychologist when she got test results back and wouldn’t go back. I have test results locked up in fireproof lock box. I’m just lost and not sure where to turn to. I’m already seeing a shrink to help me....in some ways. thank you for the notes and advice Jim
  13. Hello, I’ve read many posts and you all are so strong I feel bad about posting and asking about what I’ve been through. A little background on us, we are both fairly active, live on a working family cattle farm as a hobby, she had her job I had mine. She loved being outside, cut grass, weed eat. We traveled did a lot of things. 2 kids my wife at age of 44 had a 6 cm blood clot in brain. She has never smoked or done drugs or any health issues at all. The day before took care of grass, at the pool and finished off the day watching skunks eating cat food on front porch. I have worked from home since 2004, don’t have to travel. On a Monday morning I came upstairs to get something and found her on floor of bedroom. She had 1 of the best neurologist in county working on her. 1 week in ICU, 6 weeks of in patient therapy. This was 6/6/16. We will be 19 years of marriage in April. After 3 months of blood tests, neurologists sat down and said had no idea why or how or where blood clot came from. The only thing that we know is it happened when she was sleeping. The last part to add, her neurology psychologist did 2 days of tests determined that the biggest parts of brain on the right side was logical thinking and reasoning. Some short term memory issues. Last March, out of the blue lost my job. Eventually found something but took a lot longer than expected. Lucky to still be working at home. Physically, her left arm is completely gone, no use or movement. Left leg some movement in left hip. A LOT of tone issues in left leg and ankle With that said, and not nearly as bad as others here have it. Before stroke, we were like to puzzle pieces that went together. Now, I don’t know what to think, or where to start. She keeps saying she wants her husband back, because I don’t treat her like I did before the stroke. Accused me of cheating on her ( no I did not ), thinks that I would constantly send emails out bad mouthing her, to friends. I can go on and on. She cries a LOT, most of the time, no idea why. Her mom has lived with us for the last 15 or 16 years and once in a while will come up to me and say I don’t know how you deal with her. Again I work from home I even ask..when did I do that, do I sneak out in middle of the night? And it’s now getting worse and it is wearing on me, and feeling completely overwhelmed. I have been seeing a shrink last few months. She is constantly taking shots and digs at me, complaining that i didn’t like a post she put on Facebook. She doesn’t believe anything I say, thinks her own 14 year old daughter doesn’t like her. The same daughter who volunteered to learn how to straight cath because we needed someone else to know how to besides me. I’m sure at the age of 12, most daughters would want to, but as she said, if I have to I have to. I can go on and on...but it’s wearing me down. I talk to her best friend all the time and keep her informed. I’m approaching my limit and frustrated. I’m thinking of marriage counseling, but the whole logical thinking and reasoning, will counseling be able to get through to her? I don’t get to exercise like I use to or spend much time at farm. The other thing that is frustrating is, outside of therapy, she does nothing at home to help herself. No exercising, just putting weight on left leg or anything to help herself. She sits, eats, watches soaps and hgtv. That’s it. i’ve said a couple of things over last year or so, but no change. What direction do I need to go. Thanks
  14. Welcome to StrokeNet. Please feel free to browse around and get to know the others. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask.