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Here is another thing that I've been battling. She wants me to be up front and honest, which is fine but, I question if she can comprehend, understand that. How do I handle that?

The shrink she was seeing was a Stroke Survivor. Not only me, but our entire family thought that was the BEST case for her, but it really went sideways. Yes, she was probably only going with what my wife told her. She has blamed the stroke on me, and all her unhappines on me... just blaming me for everything. I don't do this.. or do that or do things I did before the stroke. For me it's overwheliming. I was spending the night with her when she was doing inpatient rehab. Not every night, but we had a rotation between me, my kids. Now it's just gotten to the point where it feels like... what we do isn't enough and it's just smothering and frustrating.

Thank you Becky for your perspective. Many things that you have told me, she has told me. I've told her over and over and over that I love her and i'm not going anywhere, but that's not enough for her. I would normally agree with you on the shrink part, but after out last experience with a shrink, i'm afraid to go there again. She gave my wife a LOT of confidence... but that confidence that she gave my wife was... if he's not giving you what you want/need then leave him. So, that is where she has gotten the idea of leaving us from. Her mom has lived with us for the past 16 years and she has come to be and said, i don't know how you put up with her. The whole situation is just so exhausting and sucking the life out of me. That is why/how i ended up in the nut house last year. Had thoughts of going back, just for an escape.

She woke me up at 6:30am crying again. After I got her up this morning I went back to bed, slept until 11. I find myself asking if I’ll be able to do enough to make her happy. My immediate family has said she will never be happy. So many thoughts running through my mind....going for a run

Have a semi-related question. Any feedback or thoughts from either stroke survivors or significant other. My wife doesn’t think I love her. I don’t hug her enough and don’t show affection enough. She brought up sex but I’ve explained before the last couple of times that ... the circumstances specifically with her left leg, and the weight she has put on...all that together about killed me. As I’ve mentioned above I’m working on loosing the weight I put on over the last 3 years. I lost 60lbs previously and was in the best shape of my life, but I have to start over. I spend a minimum of 2 hours ( 1 each way) going to/from work so that leave me very little free time when I get home. Before her stroke, we never went out a whole lot to begin with. I have stomach issues and going out to eat really tears my stomach up in a bad way. If I can get my weight back down, that helps me keep my stomach issues a little better under control. i love her, but am I failing her and not doing enough, or am I just in a no win situation? I keep thinking about it and part of me is like....our/the situation has changed...roles have changed responsibility has changed. then part of me asks myself if I’m just making excuses. can anyone help me make since of what is going through my head? she has said she can’t continue on like this and is ready to give up on us.

Oh..you all have touched a sensitive topic. She did go to a neuropsychologist...she refuses to do that again. I have the results locked up in a fireproof box. She saw the results and refused to believe the test results and refused to go back to them. to try to help get her confidence back up, I took her to Ohio State for a stroke study to see if she would qualify for something state of the art they were testing. I forget the name, but it is some kind of fancy arm brace, that can sense you trying to move and takes over and does the task. Major money, but I was trying. She didn’t qualify but just barely. The sue was, she didn’t have enough strength in her left shoulder to support it. They told her, to use..my mind is slipping now.. muscle stimulation thing. I bought her one to use as much as she could to get her strength up and take her back up there. She used it, maybe 3 times and hasn’t touched it since. I have huge collection of things she doesn’t use anymore. Anyway, she gave up on that, and never went back there. I know stroke does strange things with your mind, doesn’t make it easier. I guess part of my issue is...guilt. 1 minute I feel like I am/have done everything I can to help her..then I start questioning myself again. Lack of self confidence on my part is a huge battle for me. She is on antidepressant already. I’ll talk to the PCP again thank you all again

I really first want to thank you all so very very much. It means a lot to me to read these. i will need to look up what PBA is, never heard it mentioned before. The roller coaster I hate to say is sucking the life out of me. She doesn’t understand that, I need sleep to function and work the next day. She will wake me up, just for the sake of it. Once recently she woke me up, saying I had overslept and was going to be late for work. 2 things...it was completely pitch black, couldn’t see anything. I looked at phone and it was 3:30am. This wasn’t the first time, just most recent. I get mad..she gets upset and crying because she can’t get why I need to sleep and she’ll think I don’t want her around anymore. Paul, I have tried to give her things to do...but they never get done. One thing I tried to give her was something that she did before the stroke and that was doing the bills. Just writing checks, or anything like that. I had a little table that she could use and had the bills sitting there for days...nothing ever got done. i talk to my dad a lot about this, there isn’t a whole lot he can’t do...amazing man that I wish I could be 1/3 of him. Teacher, elementary school principal, farmer, a couple of board members. At age of 63, he backpack the John Murl trail, 3 weeks, and I think 210 miles, but don’t remember. Done over 900 miles of trails in the smoky mountains. And he is now in Idaho backpacking. He’s 68 now...and I can’t keep up with him. But after all he has said and done....he has been at a loss for words on what to tell me. His only response is “I don’t know what to tell you” when he doesn’t know what to say... I really don’t know what to think.

I use to do that, and I agree 100% with you on that. We are still semi-young. But when we would go and do things she would always cry. Going out to dinner, flying down to Florida and she was crying before we got out of the terminal. That is why I was hoping the psychologist would help her. I saw it as, as hard as it is, she hadn’t accepted the new her. Everything we did she cried, because she couldn’t do what she use to be able to do. It’s hard to get any satisfaction out of watching your wife cry all the time. That along with everything else took its toll on me. I got to the point I was overwhelmed and checked myself into “the nut house”. All I wanted to do was run away into the mountains and never be seen again. It was about a year ago I checked myself in. I feel the pressure building up again in me, and I’m doing what I can to not get to that point again. its just hard when you get no satisfaction from anything you do...I feel like I have no future to look forward to. All my friends have disappeared, none of the women that she use to work with, none of them come to see her and do anything with her which really bothers me and my sister. So I’ve come to the point of, how do I be happy? Still have 1 kid in high school another just starting college.

Sorry for the delay in getting back. She is limited to what she can do. Only has use of 1 arm, and full use of 1 leg. I couldn’t live with myself at the thought of leaving her. I’ve fought depression my whole life, no self confidence in myself at all. That was the thing about our relationship was, she was my rock and helped me through my ups and downs. She is unable to do that now. I found her a psychologist to see and she was a stroke survivor!!! I was so excited that I thought she could help her. As it turned out...she didn’t help her but more like empowered her. Instead of encouraging her to volunteer or get out and find things to do... she was convincing my wife that if she wasn’t happy with me and I wasn’t giving her what she wanted to leave me and the kids. I was FLOORED when that happened. My dad and I talked about it and believe she got worse seeing her. She is not seeing her anymore. I had a bad day or 2 and after getting stuff done was 8pm and I was tired and just in a rotten mood, and I don’t want to last out or snap at anyone so, I made peanut butter and jelly sandwich and went downstairs to just veg out before bed. Of course this made my wife feel terrible because she can’t do anything to help me. I was in a no win situation which doesn’t help with my depression or confidence. Just spinning my wheels in mud right now.

I know the title is selfish and I am sorry. It's been over 3 years for my wife since her stroke. I've done everything I can do to help and support her and it's taken a toll on me. I've put my life on hold for the sake of my wife and kids. 1 kid just finished high school, the other has 3 years left. I quit running, gained a bunch of weight. I've finally started back running trying to loose the weight, but sometimes it feels like no matter what I do it's never enough. I'm miserable and unhappy. My wife is not getting better and in some things getting worse. I feel like I'm at a crossroads. She can't drive or do a lot of things but there are little things she can do. I've tried to get her to volunteer somewhere for..1 or 2 hours a day...or do something besides watching tv all day, but she won't. She blames me for destroying her self esteem and confidence and won't volunteer because she is afraid of losing me. We were always active before doing things but now she can't do anything and I think a matter of time before she is wheelchair bound. She is putting on a lot of weight and just trying to walk down the hall she leans against the wall. I'm miserable. I'm happy she survived but as everyone know, stroke changes people and the dynamic of a marriage. I feel selfish for asking this but I don't know how to be happy anymore. Ignoring myself and not taking care of myself the last the last couple years is taking a toll on me and I'm finding myself just sick of it all and...I want to be selfish and happy... can someone help me with what I'm going through and explain how to be happy? Thank you