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Stroke Survivor - female
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About Tarina

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  • Birthday 01/27/1975

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  1. Tarina

    I'm beginning to realize that this stroke thing isn't like other "hard" things where you throw 100% at it and you push through the barrier faster. Such as a hard class, where you study your bleep off and you pass and can congratulate yourself in 6 months. Or a relationship hurtle, where you go to therapy, work really hard at whatever the problem was, grow (painfully) and overcome it and realize a few months later how far you have come. I used to lift heavy (weights- that is). I loved to go to the gym and push myself so hard, until my body just wouldn't do it anymore. I was in the free weight room with the guys, sweatn' and grunting through the lifts like the rest of them...LOL. Point is these things are "push as hard as you can-for as long as you can" and gains happen. Stroke seems to be a different kind of "try". Its a paced and measured "push through and try". More like yoga, where the stretch gets breathed through and released, and gains are slow and steady, more flexible with time and practice, more balanced emotions as you learn to breathe through difficulty. With yoga (which is what I was doing when I had my stroke) its a practice of the mind 80% and a practice of the body 20%. This seems to be what I need to understand more about this recovery process. I'm not going to beat any of this with the weight lifting approach- I will only beat myself down. I need to use the yoga approach, and stretch myself just past comfort and relax into it, to see gains over time, recognizing that those will be almost imperceptible week by week, and accepting that as part of the recovery. The emotional part of me is screaming right now as I write that. I'm having an internal temper tantrum that is not at all calm and serene and "yoga-like". I don't want to wait! I want to feel whole again! Breathe.
  2. Tarina

    Nika, Sorry I didn't write directly after the nuero appointment like I said I would. I was just too tired. Anyway, I don't have much to report. When I asked about vision therapy or a nuero-ophthalmologist, my neurologist said no...not yet. His response makes sense but it wasn't what I wanted to hear. He said my stroke is too new, (It was the Oct 28) and that if we correct my vision problems now, my brain will not make new pathways to deal with the issues. It would be like stopping healing. He told me to wait about a year and ask again. This is discouraging, because the vision/balance issues are some of the most troublesome and limiting of the stroke deficits....of course, I WANT to heal correctly, but I also want a life back, one in which I am not stuck inside all the time because I can't balance, even in the yard, or go for a walk, or drive my car, and all the freedom that driving brings. I don't know if emotionally I can wait a year!
  3. Tarina

    Yep. I second that. I have short periods with energy and the rest of the time feel very fatigued. Its my experience that I can't nap. But resting does help. Its the only time I can listen to music with words, because I block out all sight and light with a heavy rice pillow to help calm my headache and vertigo too. You can do this! I think its great your back to work, but just like with dieting and stopping smoking, taking care of getting enough rest to heal is important too. You have the right idea. 🙂
  4. Tarina

    My appointment with the neurologist is tomorrow. Thanks to the people on this board, I am going to ask to see a nuero- ophthalmologist. I found out there is one connected to the university hospital (where my new neuro is), so hopefully they will let me do that. I guess my abnormal eye movements and vision issue isn't unusual with a brain stem stroke, but it sure does make me dizzy, off balance, and feel a little nauseous all the time. Couple that with fatigue and the weird sensation and hyper sensitivity throughout my body- mostly on the left- makes me feel like I have the flu ALL THE TIME! I hope they can help, even part of it so I can feel more normal and get some real exercise. I'll let you know what the nuero says about the eyes tomorrow night, if I'm not too tired from the travel.
  5. Tarina

    I'd be jumping up and down for you right now....if that were a possibility!!!!!!!! I can however get down on my knees with you and thank the Creator with you! SO AWESOME!!!!! SO HAPPY for you, I know this has been a major struggle!!!!!!
  6. Tarina

    I'm so sorry. I wish I could just be there and color with you. No talking, just be there with you but I know there is no substitute for your own children being by your side. You have been through so much already and this is just one more thing. I wish they could keep the pain management going for you while they do all they need to do to make sure that you don't need further treatment, it seems only humane! And it boils my blood that someone (especially in health care who has obviously seen this reaction before!) would be so insensitive! Hang in there lady! Ya know what? I'm going to color a picture in the adult coloring book tonight...and the whole hour or so it takes to do it...I'm gonna send healing and comforting thoughts your way.... call it a prayer to the universe for you if you want. Keep us posted on your journey.
  7. Tarina

    I'm a redhead....so....when I get mad it might be on a whole other scale then all "you" non-alien people. LOL But luckily it doesn't happen often. I described the two instances in the last 6 weeks and that is more than normal, because I am frustrated to a MUCH LARGER degree daily, post stroke. But yeah, watch out for fiery red-headed girls when they get mad.... Pele the Volcano goddess couldn't compare! I especially hate it when people think its cute when I get mad, because I'm little and ornery, as though that makes my point any less valid!!!!
  8. Tarina

    Wow! I'm glad I read this thread. For one thing I got angry with my ex last week, and all of a sudden I could speak clearly! I was as surprised by it as maybe he was, but then he told me I was faking it the rest of the time and a liar, didn't do enough google research to fake it well enough...blah blah blah....Hes a A**, most of the time....hence EX! But it did get me wondering. And then today, I had one of those days when the challenges and difficulties of everyday life....I just couldn't meet head on with a positive attitude...and I got frustrated with myself. My friend called so I was ranting at her about thinking a basket in my yard was a chicken--for 6 minutes (my vision said it was moving.. and I know it was 6 minutes because i was microwaving water for my coffee.), and being stopped dead in my tracks while trying to take my sons clothes out the drier because a sock that was my daughters was in there too...and it was purple...and it doesn't belong with my sons clothes...but where does it go?, and what do I do with it?. response (BLANK STARE). And the fact that I had a two page document that I needed to make two copies of and I totally screwed up making the copies, running several just totally blank sheets of paper, then trying to put them all back together (just 2 pages mind you!) and I couldn't figure out why I had 3 pages of each thing....duh...original?!? and then were each of those documents were supposed to go...This was an hour long ordeal (for someone whose job depends on being able to organize hundreds of pages of information and get it to differing areas, getting supporting documents for each part...blah blah.. feeling like a looser). Anyway, when my friend called I was telling her all of this, at first I was halting, stuttering and monotone as usual (sometimes I breathe in when I say a word?!, or hiccup?)..then as I got more frustrated and mad....my speech became clearer and clearer...eventually she said "hey...keep getting mad..you talk better that way". LOL which made both of us laugh. Anyway, I thought it was just me.... good to know it happens to other people too.... thank you so much for sharing your life- all of you-it makes it more bearable for us newbies, and less confusing. Oh yes. and I can sing too...but not talk (very well). Well...I mean...sing as well as a "shower singer" ever has sung before 🙂 Now I do it more and more because it just feels good to be fluid in SOMETHING! Walking and talking like a broken robot and having the logical and sequential capacities of a chipmunk on crack the rest of the time....Singing makes me feel alive again.
  9. Tarina

    I am gonna try some welding goggles....I'm totally serious, they will block every thing but straight ahead vision...my side vision which is all wobbly and depth perception is off, makes me feel off balance and dizzy all the time. I just looked on amazon and they are about 7 to 15 bucks! I can do that...if it doesn't work oh well, when I get back to working my hides and making leather they will come in handy. I put some with yellow lenses in my cart to block blue light, which drives my brain crazy in normal lighting environments. I'm laughing on the inside because ....goggles....are....so....cool!!!!! They will be especially fetching with the leg warmers I wear all the time because I'm always cold....people in the real world think I'm a freak anyway...so be it...it will be a fun experiment!
  10. Tarina

    That's so funny! I bet having a glued finger made that difficult at best...
  11. Tarina

    Deigh! I think your invention is awesome! Anything to get back to what we love. "Necessity is the mother of invention" and all that jazz.... I love the way that you just went out and made something to make living life after stroke more enjoyable..... A standing ovation to your perseverance!
  12. Tarina

    I don't HAVE to paint my toenails, I just wanted to...so I'll wait till my brain heals a little more and try again. Maybe give it till summer. There are a lot of little things like that that I have to let go of for now. More pressing things to concentrate effort on, and I don't want to be upset by something little like that. Besides it was interesting for me to know that while I anticipated difficulty, I didn't encounter THOSE difficulties but something else. That's an important lesson for me to remember. And yes, sometimes all of my senses are extremely heightened. Smells, but also, seeing the minute detail of a towel, all the threads and where they unravel...and then of course everything starts bouncing around and swaying and then I can't see that anymore....or hearing everything at the same volume. Brains are freaking awesome if you think about it....it leads me down some esoteric philosophical path about the nature of reality and even the similarities between what we think of as our separate "selves" and the makeup of the whole universe.
  13. Tarina

    Well. I DID try to paint my toenails....and NOPE. It wasn't the problems I had anticipated. It was just SOOOOO STRONG OF A SMELL, as soon as I struggled and wrestled the bottle open....I couldn't handle it! I knew I was sensitive to smells, but didn't think through that part. Oh well, another time, always good to know what the limits are.
  14. Tarina

    I have SO many eye issues post stroke, I feel tired even thinking about writing about them. Eyes, cognitive function, and speech are my main deficits...... left side weakness, numbness and generally stubbornness too, but I could deal with that better if the eyes and brain would work better. I see a neurologist on December - let me check the calendar- 12th. But they are not neuro-ophthalmologist like our fellow survivors are talking about. I will let you know what they say after next weeks appointment. Off to take a shower- an hour long ordeal at this point. I really want to paint my toenails....lol. I know its dumb, but I'm going to try. I will have to haul my leg up with my right hand while sitting and then my foot and toes will jerk around, and with my vision problems, I'm probably going to make a HUGE mess, but oh well...so be it! I used to always paint my toenails, even though no one sees them...,its just what "I" do...and I want to do it again! But if it doesn't work out, well...I'm not going to "sweat the small stuff", and I promise myself I won't get frustrated and upset. Maybe I'll take a picture of it, so that in a year, when I can do it again, I will look back and say "hey, you couldn't....and now you can!" Besides, it might turn out ok...ya never know till you try! Have a lovely day, find something good....
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