LgSeaunier

Don't get me wrong Becky, I couldn't befriend a cat. I just have too many of them. Roscoe could only happen sometime in the distant future. I said things in a way that reflected how I was feeling at the time. Apologies.

4/3 2021 (3:06am) I've been sitting in my car in front of the house now, for 5 hours, or close to it. I just can't get myself to go into that bedroom. And walking through the living room brings a flood of memories (very proud ones for a change). Let me start from the beginning. March 3 was my birthday. That night, my love couldn't walk. It took me 9 hours to get him from the front door to the bedroom. His left leg was so stiff I could hardly move it even with brute force, which is what I was using for 9 hours. I finely got him into bed, and the next morning he could walk, shaky and weakly, but he could walk with a walker and lots of help from me. He insisted on WALKING out of that house. He wanted coffee at the station we frequent, we did our normal morning routine, then I took him to the hospital. About halfway there, I turned to him and said, “I'm scared.” he slightly nodded. After a few days in the hospital, and me making decisions no person should ever be forced to make, they transferred him to the hospice house where he died on march 14th. I have such pride in him for WALKING out of the house. And needless to say - - - this birthday was the worst in my 63 years! I'm hoping it will fade away into obscurity. After all, I have 48 years of wonderful memories that have the great potential of overriding the one. Well, it's 3:40am, I think I'd better FORCE myself into that bedroom and try to get some sleep. I have a crypt to finish. Thank you Becky1. Problem with getting Roscoe is I need to get rid of quite a few cats first. My husband wanted cats.

3/29/2021 (3am) Hello; I've been thinking of something today. For 60 years I've always been there to help everyone around me, and now, when I need someone – no one is there for me - - I'm alone. Just thought it was interesting. And another thing, after two heart attacks and my lovers death, I've come to the conclusion that life is too short to worry about anyone but me. One problem with that. I don't know how to think of me first. I've never done that in my life before. Oh well, I'll figure it out. Although - - - I am open for comments and suggestions (hint hint). I have tons of loose ends to take care of, then I'll work on ME. After all, life should be LIVED HAPPILY, not lived to please people who don't give a damn about you and then forget what you've done, just to help them straighten out the miserable life they made for themselves. I hurt so badly (physically) I can't sleep anymore, I've been working so hard too. I still have so much to do though, I can't stop until it's done. My cell phone died in the morning, my lover died that night. I have a whole list of coincidental things like that happening as he drew closer to death. My point is, I can't find a WiFi to activate my new phone. I even tried the local library (couldn't sign in even though I have a library card). I need the phone to make final arrangements (the coroner still has him). I want to take him to the property with me (it was our dream after all), the only way THAT can happen, is cremation. I've been working on a crypt for his ashes ( it's turned into a passion of sorts). I've designed the interior, found fabric of moons & stars - - the galaxy basically, on a deep blue sky. I'll glue that above the urn with a white floor, and the urn will be resting on a wood stand I designed. A single red silk rose will be on the urn and his birthday beads he was wearing when he died, will be around the urn somehow. I'm thinking of three columns in each corner of the metal box (I'm cutting it from a steel sheet tomorrow). I haven't decided on the columns yet. Does that sound like a passion to you??? Anyway, I'd better try and get some sleep if I'm going to cut sharp metal in the morning (its 4:20 am). Good night my friends. Or should I say good morning? 4/1/2021 Thursday (12:05am) got the metal cut and did some drilling of holes too. That crypt is going to be beautiful (if a crypt can be), oh well. How long will me feeling lonely take to wear off? It's almost unbearable. I can't talk to anyone, they just have no interest in what I'm going through. I don't understand it. How can family have such a cold and unfeeling attitude when it comes to death? They're stoic when I'm over there, and the last time, my mother practically told me to get out. Not in so many words you understand, but still. I'm just not going over there anymore. I don't need that kind of person in my life. Anyone who treats me like that from now on, can simply take a flying leap!! I was raised to believe that family will always be there whenever you need them, especially a tragedy such as this. Boy was I gullible!!! I'm tired of only hearing my own thoughts too, but who else is there to talk to that will actually listen? “Listen you poor sap! Just point all your energy into that friggen ger and get the **** out of this town!! That way you can get some people in your life that actually cares! And if not - - then you don't need anyone in your life but Roscoe, your future dog.” I'd better stop this, it's only making things worse in my head. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning - - or not. Either way, who cares! Thank you all for your kind thoughts and feedback. And your prayers. I accomplished quite a lot today. I'm working on my partner, my love and my husbands' crypt. like I've said before, It has become a passion for me to finish it. I look at it as part of closure. I am exceedingly grateful to each and everyone of you on the network, and you, I'll post my progress as often as I can. Thanks again.

Hello again; 3:50am and I can't sleep. I thought I'd talk a bit, beings nobody wants me around them much anymore. It's funny, I've always been there for everyone when they needed to talk, but when I need someone to talk to - nobody wants me around. I have so much to do to tie up everything. I talk to my Lover every night, but that's when I get sad and tearful, then I just sit and stare until one in the morning. I need to make final arrangements for him, but I can't make the calls necessary to accomplish that. Maybe if I wait long enough, he'll come back to me (crazy notion I know). I've always been able to figure things out, and and now I can't even remember to eat. By the time I do remember, it's dark (time for bed). I loose track of time and not much gets done. In fact, I don't even care about time anymore. It gets light out, it's time to get up. It gets dark, it's time to go to bed. It doesn't seem fair and now it seems that I can't get myself together. Is this part of the grieving process? I have this obsession of building a crypt for his ashes and spent all day working on wood blocks for his urn to rest upon. I bought all the materials for it, all I have to do is make it. I tell myself it's a type of closer but it's all I can think about anymore. I have to focus on something or I'll turn into Gollem from Lord Of The Rings again. Yes, I was Gollem for an entire evening. I was back to myself the next morning though. I was alone all day, and my own thoughts got the better of me, I guess. I don't know, I need to go back to work but I can't get motivated enough to take a bath, put on clean cloths, and go and talk with them about it. I've gone out there a couple of times and told co-workers what happened, management too. They are all sympathetic, which is nice. They even remember me! That makes me feel real good inside. I'm remembered! After eight months – I'm remembered! Thank you for all your kind words. I was concerned that I would not be permitted to remain a member. Thank you - thank you - THANK YOU !!! And thank you Kelli for trying to get me more support. I NEED IT ! !

Terry V Suokko, my husband – my partner – my love – you were in a hospice house where death took you March 14, 2021 – at 4:47pm. You were in room 4 – and you were born in 1947. I miss you my love. And I always will.

3/12/2021 = 2:30am Hello again my friends; I just have to talk a bit and no one is here but my computer. An odd thing happened tonight. I was feeling and acting like Gollem from Lord of The Rings. I went crazy. For you see, When I had my second heart attack, the only reason I came back from death was because of my partner. I came back for him. And now he's leaving me. I don't see how he can come back from this, like I did. I don't understand. Why would God allow me to come back just for, in the end, me to be without my love? I don't get it. They say God always has a plan. I wish He'd let me know what that plan is for me. I asked Him to please inform me, but all I got was silence. I don't know. Perhaps when I get to my property, then things will start making sense. Then again, probably not, knowing my luck. I told a friend today, “life keeps throwing lemons at me, I'm going to make orange juice (I don't like lemonade much). And if I say it's orange juice - - it's orange juice damn it !” My Mother said not to question God. Why not? Isn't that how we learn things? If we don't question things, yes, including God - - then we're sheep in a pen of wolves. On display for the universe to laugh at. And believe me, it's laughing at me all the time (at least that's how I feel about it). For you see - - I'm allowed to have things that give me joy for a short time, then they're taken away again. It's to the point now at 63, I acquire something - - whatever it may be - - and I wonder how long I'm allowed to have it. I wondered years ago, how long I would have my lover, now I know. Less than six months left. I'm re-inventing myself. Step by step, I'm turning into an urban cowboy. I've always loved the look but not used it much. I think now that I'll be alone for the first time in my life, I can look however I want to and no-one can say anything about it (kids made fun of me when I wore cowboy boots). And who gives a crap what anyone thinks? I worried about it all the time, and limited what I did and wore because of what others would think. They all can jump off a short pier, far as I care anymore. I have to live with me, and if that means some busy-body is going to think something - - LET 'EM! Does it sound like I'm angry? Yes. I am. Happiness is something I've always strived for, and the Universe always stops me. “Why should HE be happy? It's more fun to see what he'll do if we let him have something he wants for a while - - then take it away and stand back and watch what he does.” In my head I hear those words a lot. Am I crazy? No - - just experienced in this matter. My partner is the first and only person who understood me and accepted me - for being me, and now he won't be in my life anymore. Damn him ! It's his own damn fault he's in this position! When his life was on the line he adamantly refused to see a doctor!! WHY? He saw doctors for everything else in life including a hang-nail, a bunion, his hair follicles felt funny - - why not now??? When his f***ing life was on the line!!! I don't care if the stroke took that logic molecule out of his brain or not. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENCE ! ! ! I've talked with God about it - - and you know what He said? Nothing.

Hello my friends; This is going to be a rather lengthy post, so bear with me. Date 3/7/2021 I'm typing this in the hospital. My partner turned for the worse and the doctors have given up on him. According to them, he's die-ing. The doctor talked to me this morning and the team here has given up on him. He has less than six months to live, they say. Much less time they say. They suggest I take him to hospice and- - - “just let him go”. I found this out in one day. 3/4/2021. the day after my 63rd birthday. Let me tell you a story... I have lived with chronic back pain for thirty years (due to my father). Then, when I was a maintenance man at a 96 unit apartment complex, I was working in the attic when the floor dropped out from under me. I dropped eight feet and landed in a heap on the floor below. My legs started to not work, and a long story short, Western Doctors told me they wanted to do surgery. I had a 50/50 shot of it working slightly, or being paralyzed in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. NOT GOOD ODDS ! ! So - - in the town I was in, there was an office for an acupuncture/herbalist Doctor. I did research on her, and she was taught acupuncture/herbology from her father in China. She started learning her fathers craft at 12, and had her first patient at 17. Later in life, she traveled to America and graduated from Harvard medicine at the top of her class. She is a Doctor in Eastern and Western Medicine, but treats with Eastern. I made an appointment and five treatments later, My left leg didn't drag anymore. And as I continued the treatments, I was able to walk like things didn't happen. I'm walking today because that doctor treated me without surgery. Needless to say, I have great faith in this woman. Well... I woke up this morning with a powerful thought. My waking thought was to contact that Eastern Medicine Doctor and have her save my partners' life. I talked with Hospice Representative this morning, and they are willing to work with my idea of care. They may have acupuncturists on staff but she had not heard of that particular Doctor. I told her that if we worked with the assigned Caseworker, for a caregiver to take care of him while I go back to work and to help us find a place to move into. Hospice can help us with anything they have to offer, and I call the Eastern Medicine into the picture (I'm willing to pay for acupuncture from this Dr if I need to). The Hospice representative agreed that that was a good plan of action. I told her “let's do it.” She will make some calls, I will make some calls, and I can work with two agencies and Eastern Medicine to save my partners life. I have great faith in this doctor, she saved me from paralysis. Date 3/9/2021 Update...I e-mailed the acupuncturist/herbalist, and she returned her reply within thirty minutes. She can not help any more than what the Doctors have already done. I am sitting in my partners room at a hospice house waiting for the ambulance with him in it, to arrive. Sadly - - - this is where my partner will pass away. I have done quite a lot of thinking about handing him off to someone else. I thought I really wanted that - - but I realized something through all this grief - - - It isn't my PARTNER I wanted to hand off to someone else - - it was the ILLNESS. My partner said something the other day that hit me between the eyes. “Don't let me go”. I told him without hesitation, “I don't ever want to - - Never.” he closed his eyes and went to sleep for a while. He taught me what true love is. I never would have known without him. He taught me so many things it would fill the Strokenet site to recite them all. Something has been pressing on me ever since the realization of loosing him sunk in. Where will I leave his remains? Then it hit me. As I read the paperwork Hospice house gave me. I can't leave him in a cemetery in this town. The only answer is to cremate him and bring his ashes with me to the property. After all - - that is our dream that - - almost - -was ours. I think it would be proper, to bring him to our property for his final resting place. I will miss him greatly, but I placed him in Gods hands. That's the only thing I can do now. One last thought. I've done everything right. How do I know this you might wonder. Because I've done a lot of reflecting lately... And I have not one regret. NOT ONE ! ! !

I wrote an update yesterday but couldn't post it. I'll try again today. Things have turned bad. He's in the hospital.

My birthday tomorrow 3-3-19-- planned a good meal to cook. Hope I can, BBQ spareribs, corn bread, asparagus, and potato salad. Yummy Please Lord, make it a pleasant day!

I think when this is all over, I'll write a story about it. GOOD Thearapy (not spelled right? Hmmm. Spellchecker don't like it) hope you understand my thought.

No. He has no family. An only child & both parents are gone from this world. Which is why it's ethically and morally such a struggle for me. He was yelling so loudly outside today, that 4 sheriff cars stopped by to have a chat. I told one sheriff I was trying to get him placed. He asked who the caseworker was, I told him, he said she is really good. At least they all had a sense of humor about it.

How do I get the gumption to do what needs to be done? I don't know how. I told my "partner" tonight, that I don't want him in my life anymore. There was no reaction and no emotion about it. In fact, he told me he didn't want me in his life either. I told him that to see if there was anything left in him. There wasn't. So I ask... How do I get the gumption? I don't have fortitude for it either. I've never been in the position to break up with anyone. I don't know how to do it. Could someone help me out please? He tells me often that he's getting OUT. I'm tired of this nightmare! Can't somebody wake me up??

A huge wave of regret flowed over and through me tonight. Am I doing the right thing? He wanted me to talk about it but I don't want him to get verbal on me again. As I kept getting this wave after wave of not doing the right thing I got angrier and angrier. I never do the right thing. Should I put a stop to what I've started?? I don't know anymore. I'm a piece of dung, a cowpie, a worm casting, for even thinking of myself first. He has no one but me in this world. I'm doing the wrong thing???

Thank you Heather there really isn't anything else to say. Ksmith, thank you for reminding me of what I posted. I needed that reminder. Thank you also for telling me some of your past. In a weird way it's nice to know I'm not alone in this. I'll think about finding someone to talk to, not knowing who but it's worth looking for someone. FYI. This is the third day of constant verbal abuse and control of me. If I try to talk to him about it, it only makes it worse, so I just clam up and become numb. The caseworker will be calling me Monday morning (tomorrow) I hope she has good news. I told my astranged partner tonight, I will not put up with a fourth day of this. You know what he said? "Oh yes you will! !" Well, good night my friends I check and read posts every night when he's asleep, just for some comfort in knowing that others out there understand and are listening to my ramblings. A big 😘 to you all. Question : What would the police do if I called them out, other than talk to us and make a report.

pray for me - PLEASE !!! I've been verbally abused non stop all day. PLEASE GOD! LET THIS NIGHTMARE END!!! AND MAKE IT QUICK!!!!!