swilkinson

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Blog Entries posted by swilkinson

  1. swilkinson

    Life is bittersweet

    By swilkinson,


    General
    I've always been an optimistic person. Like my Dad before me I want to believe the best of people. Of course sometimes that backfires and someone takes advantage of my good nature. Ray and I early in our married life befriended a couple and they robbed us of a lot of money when Ray put together a kit home for them and they refused to pay him. We did look at taking them to court but the money we would have had to spend on the case was about the same as we would receive.
     
    But the past is the past. And we get older and hopefully wiser. It still annoys me though that recently that house sold for just on 1 million dollars. Different owners and of course with Ray gone there was no way I could  claim compensation under  the present laws but I still remember how much that hurt Ray and wonder if that and a few other similar "failures to pay" jobs contributed to his high blood pressure that was a contributing factor to his having that first stroke at aged 48. I guess that we will never know.
     
    So Spring is here but life is bittersweet, being a widow most of the time is fine but seeing families having lunch together in the shopping centre or cars loaded with kids and camping gear remind me that my life is emptier now. My family is not close but once again Trev and Alice were here for a week on her Spring break and I am still able to ring my daughter Shirley on Sunday nights and catch up with what has been happening in her life so I am luckier than some of my friends with no family. I ought to count my blessings.
     
    We have already had summer temperatures and it is still early Spring. That limits the kind of plants I can grow for instance making it too late for lettuce and soft foliage herbs. My flower house, a couple of decades old now, is falling apart now and would be costly to replace so I can only  raise a few seedlings.  My herbs look healthy though and those Mediterranean herb plants are surviving. It's the typical English plants that will not. So limited home grown produce this year. And due to inflation shop bought goods are really expensive. So I have to look at all costs now.
     
    Overall life is good. With coming up five years since my brain operation I will soon be living on borrowed time, that is time I wouldn't have had if I hadn't had the aneurysm clipped. So I am fortunate in that respect.  I've got to look on the bright side of life. Enough good times to balance out the bad. Good friends that I have had for many years and mentors that have taught me to make the most of life. Church and Lions figure large in my life and housework and gardening fill in spots that otherwise might be blank.
     
    All of this was discussed last night in a phone call with my sister-in-law, the widow of Ray's older brother. We are the same age and have been friends for many years. I guess we are lucky to be in contact despite not having seen each other in some years now. With family and good friends to talk to my life is better. Spring is a good time for getting out more and that is my plan for the next few weeks. To get out more. To use my time better and achieve more is a resolution I make this time every year. So here it is again. And how many weeks to Christmas?
     
  2. swilkinson

    Hurrying towards the holidays.

    By swilkinson,


    General
    Here it is, November already. November slips away fast every year. No sooner started than hello December and December is holidays, school holidays, workers holidays and this year Christmas. But that is still a long way off and there is much to do between now and then. Simple things like Christmas card lists and complicated things like what do I send to family members so far away?
     
    Because I still belong to the Stroke group WAGS I still support caregivers and widows who were formerly caregivers. This has been a privilege to me, to use my past knowledge to help other women to make the transition. And believe me we all need some help. So I still go to a few of the meetings, morning teas etc. And try to keep up with them in various ways so that is another part of how I spend my time.
     
    This is of benefit to me too as some of these women helped me through my caring years. Of course we are all getting older too and so some of our problems are age related. Some of my good friends have died including a couple that Ray was close to. So funerals are also a feature of my life. And there are some now in care that various members of the group keep in touch with and relay that information via various media groups, which does help us keep up with them. 
     
    A lot of my time is still taken up with church groups , including a low key community lunch on Fridays. It is just  toasted sandwiches in winter and now salad rolls for summer and coffee but a small number of local people are regulars and now included in my friends group. People ask me if I am ever lonely and the answer is "yes", but if tomorrow is Friday I have that to look forward to. And if it Saturday it is church tomorrow etc.
     
    When I look in the mirror I see a little old lady, but she is off and away to some place where people gather, where friendships are to be made, where folk need a quiet word or reassurance or simply am opportunity to talk. That is where my life is right now. As you know my three children and grandchildren are all far away. And I can't do anything about that. But as long as I am busy I am happy.
     
    So roll on the holidays. I don't know what the future holds but I know there will be people to share it with and that is good enough for now .
  3. swilkinson

    Time goes by

    By swilkinson,


    General
    This time of the year, mid winter, time seems to stand still. There is not a lot to do. A dull grey day doesn't encourage me to do much, a bit of gardening if it is sunny, a few hours in the shopping centre if it is raining. A lot of my spare time I read, get onto my computer, watch some television, often cooking programs rather than movies or dramas. I usually crochet as I watch TV so just look up occasionally to see what the dish being cooked looks like. I get out as much as I can and as much as the weather permits.
     
    I am okay with the quiet life of an older widow but sometimes long for those long gone days when the family still lived close. My scattered family of course are busy living their own lives. Mostly I hear from one at least in a week and it's a good week when I've had a couple of phone calls. Of course there are people I see regularly, at Church, meetings, Bible Study, Coffee, Craft and Chat, Lions Club dinners and the occasional lunch out with girlfriends, which is naturally rarer in winter. But like me most of them are also widowed.
     
    Just for the next few weeks I have added a new group, Stepping On. It is a Falls Prevention program for older people run by the local Health Department. Most people attending  are closer to 80 than 70, and like me thought it would maybe help improve their walking. Since I have had the Melanoma removed and then the lymph glands in that left leg and left side of my lower torso also removed I have been less steady on my feet so I thought that any small improvement in my walking would be good.
     
    In the course of the program there are consultants talking to us and to my surprise it was the podiatrist who looked closest at my movements and made a suggestion. She said I needed to work on my calf muscles as strong calf muscles would make up for the difference between the weight of my two legs that had altered my gait. My left leg without the lymph glands can gain up to two kilos on a humid day and there is no medical  remedy for that. How much difference it will make I don't know but anything that helps me feel more confident walking will be good 
     
    I went to a funeral recently and met up with a family I'd known for many years. The son shook my hand and I told him how much we'd enjoyed his family's visits when they came on camping trips to Karuah before my family moved back here, he was about fifteen at that time. He surprised me by asking if I wanted to see a picture of his grandkids. I thought " What the?" and then realised the time I was talking about was forty years ago! It seemed only a short time ago to me. How time flies!
     
    I wonder if there are still good times ahead for me. I hear other people, mainly couples, talking about cruising, trips overseas, going around Australia in their caravan and think "That is what Ray and I planned to do." And I sigh. Then I realised that Ray would have been 81 now! Wow! That lovely young man I married would be 81 now? Unbelievable. Because in my mind Ray will always be 70, the age he was when he died. I look in the mirror and see and old lady looking back at me but to me Ray will always be young. Strange life isn't it?
  4. swilkinson

    I hate winter viruses

    By swilkinson,


    General
    This blog is not going to be happy and bright so stop reading it whenever you like.
     
    I have a winter virus, it is one of those miserable streaming nose viruses. I have had it for five days and it usually goes in seven or so. With a virus there is no medication so it is paracetamol, good hydration, soft foods and hot drinks. It is also vast amounts of boredom if you live alone. No going out for coffee, no browsing around the shops, seems much like lockdown in Covid times. And no I don't have Covid.
     
    So it is crocheting, a little housework and then binge watching TV series I like. It is catching up with friends by phone, sending emails as cheerfully as I can manage and a lot of time moving from bed to chair and back again. Take into account this is mid-winter and although the sky is blue the wind on the front verandah is making it seems much colder than the predicted temperature.
     
    This is also the time when my Adelaide children are with their Mum and we were supposed to meet for lunch on Tuesday. I was also meeting with friends on Thursday, that don't be happening now. And to add insult to injury "Christmas in July" on Saturday. Being winter here and summer when the REAL Christmas comes, Christmas in July is a new tradition and a time to catch up with friends over a nice baked dinner. So boo hoo. Not fair
     
    Apart from that life goes on. Church meetings mid week like Bible study and Coffee,Craft and Chat not on this week as we are getting new carpets laid. Lions dinner not on this week as the restaurant we meet at is being renovated, given a "new look"etc ! So I am not expected to be those places. My Muffin Break pals have been in touch so they know I'm home recuperating. So I am okay. Not wonderful but okay.
     
    In the face of all the misery on the world my troubles are few and I really have no right to complain but hey! isn't that what you do when you have a virus? More cheerful blog will be posted when this **** virus is over.
  5. swilkinson

    Family adventure

    By swilkinson,


    General
    I have just come back from visiting my daughter and her husband and daughter in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia. To get there it is taking two trains to Sydney and then out to the airport then a four hour flight from one side of Australia to the other, from Sydney to Perth, over 2000 kms. Then after an hours wait taking an hours flight to Kalgoorlie, 335 kms inland from Perth. Kalgoorlie is a mining town and Kalgoorlie - Boulder is the city made by combining two small towns both built on a gold discovery. There is still a deep open cut working gold mine there.
     
    Shirley and Craig are in charge of the Salvation Army there. There is a large open plan building somewhat past its prime consisting of a church and hall and shower and laundry facilities. it is very busy due to being the host for Second Bite, the distribution of food that has reached its use by date from Coles, one of our major supermarkets. So each morning they collect bread, sometimes meat and miscellaneous groceries, set them up in their church hall and members of the public come and take what they need. There are some restrictions on how much they take but some stay a while as there is also tea and coffee making facilities, hot soup and extra pies and mini pizzas donated by a local bakery.  
     
    The actual congregation is small but volunteers help to fill out the workforce. A handful of mostly older people stop by each day for morning tea and form a loose senior group. In a city that is both very rich and very poor available social centres such as this are very important. Isolation is a real problem in the small  western towns and cities. A lot of people are struggling with rising food prices and higher rents so food distribution is important. Unfortunately this service takes three or four hours of Shirley and Craigs time every week day. I was able to help in a limited way, I am very good at packing goods into a refrigerator now.
     
    We did get some time together but not as much as planned. There was a Kids Festival for the last weekend of the school holidays which included a pop up Ice Skating rink the first weekend and the Salvation Army was asked to staff the Lost Children's tent. I have all the qualifications and paperwork so I was able to help with that too, Shirley and I on Saturday morning and Naomi and I on Sunday morning.  The Council gave a "donation" to the Youth Shed the Salvation Army run for our services. During the week I helped out with the food etc but did manage some free time. The landscaping of Kalgoorlie, red dust country, reminded me very much of Broken Hill but it is far more prosperous. Thanks to the rising price of gold I guess there are far better facilities, shopping centres etc.
     
    It is always strange for a few days when I come back home to an empty house after being with family. I listen to the quiet sounds of night and long for the days when there were family sit-down meals and laughter around the table. I miss Craig's  cooking and Shirley and Naomi's voices calling to one another room to room. I miss their cat Ash snuggling on my knee. I wouldn't want to live permanently with family but it is so good to be with them for a time, however brief that time is. I was lucky to be able to do that.
     
     
  6. swilkinson

    Where does my time go?

    By swilkinson,


    General
    Just about to go into autumn here. I will be glad to see the end of summer, I haven't enjoyed summer this year, far too hot and humid and with the heavy waist to toe elastic stockings it's been soooo hard to combat the heat. I am glad the cooler weather is on its way but will miss daylight saving. I've enjoyed sitting on the verandah watching the light fade away in the evening in the last few weeks and the sudden silence when traffic dies down and the local commuters are all home at last. Peaceful.
     
    The social activities have accelerated in the past couple of months, it is in February that meetings and meet ups get more urgent. I've caught up with older friends for lunch including one of my sister-in-laws and a couple of school friends. Unfortunately with ones I haven't seen for a while I have noticed the ageing since I saw them last and they probably noticed the same in me. I've almost lost the five kilos the physio asked me to lose so I am thinner in the face, not a good look as you age.
     
    Went to a High Tea at one of our bigger resort hotels last Saturday with the Stroke group WAGS. It was a lovely time of fellowship and a good time was had by most but I managed to eat something that didn't fit in with my allergy list and suffered for it. It is my fault, if I think it's possibly not something I could eat and get away with I should NOT eat it. My bad. Even at my age I yearn to be able to eat all those luscious, gooey, sugary desserts but one little tiny, delicious, caramelly sliver of slice can just be the tipping point. It was supposed to be dairy free but I doubt it.
     
    It was nice to get together with my Stroke Survivor friends and their caregivers. A couple of the widowed men bring a paid carer along to help them with toileting etc and they have become part of the group. I still go as often as I can to the monthly meetings as these people are a big part of my friendship group as are the people on here. I move forward but where possible I hang on to the friends I made during my time caring for Ray. They are precious to me.
     
    I am planning a couple of short trips before winter closes in on me. One will be just an overnight in Sydney. Probably in the hotel I was in on the way to Canberra as that is quite pleasant and close to Central Station. I don't want to have to drag that suitcase too far. I can stay away a night or two, no pets and in winter the garden doesn't need watering as often. It is time I visited the city and browsed around the shops or looked at an Art Gallery or two. Can't become too much of a country bumpkin can I?
     
    If you are reading this and haven't updated your blog for a while it would be good if you could do do. Otherwise I am a Blog Moderator with no blogs to moderate.
     
  7. swilkinson
    When I wrote this the blogs were not working. I am surprised the title posted although the content did not. I stand by this saying though. It is keeping on keeping on that gets us to our destination. That has always applied to my life.
     
    A lot has happened since I last blogged, some good and some bad. I did have a great Christmas,  I saw all six of my grandchildren in December, the sad news was that I only saw Naomi at her other grandmother's funeral. That was on the 15th December. My daughter and family moved to Kalgoorlie in Western Australia in November. That is a four hour plane ride from here. They came back for the funeral.
     
    I had Christopher, their son, up from Melbourne to go to his graduation in Newcastle University with a degree in Biomedical Science. He stayed with me for two weeks. He has already completed one year of his Master's in Biomedical Technology in Melbourne. My three Adelaide grandchildren were also on the coast so they and their mother were also with me for Christmas Day, so lovely to have four grandchildren around the table.
     
    Trevor and Alice came down from Broken Hill in the beginning of January for two weeks. Alice is ten now and is nearly as tall as me. We had lots of fun doing jigsaw puzzles together and some special times out and about. We also had meet ups with the Adelaide grandkids and it was great to see them playing their computer games together. I love seeing that. I am so blessed.
     
    That enough for a catch up. Hugs to all.
     
    Sue.
  8. swilkinson

    Sunny at last

    By swilkinson,


    General
    Well I posted in February that it was raining and that  continued most of March, it was the rainiest period in many decades. It did stop for a few days and then back came the torrential downpours and the floods. Some towns further north really suffered. It has eased back now but the run off  is still happening and the older, deeper drains are still running. Most people can't remember having the minor flooding as we have just experienced. Is it global warming or just the changes as resculpturing of the land takes place? Nothing remains static and plans for drains etc need revising sometimes.
     
    So it is school holidays including Easter and Trevor and Alice are here til Friday. Today they have gone to Sydney to the Royal Easter Show and no doubt they will come back tired and stressed and out of spending money but satisfied that coming all that way was worth it because of being with Grandma and experiencing all the special things they can do here. And seeing cousins is hopefully a bonus too. Alice visits her aunt and cousins on her mother's side each time she comes here as they live one suburb over from me.
     
    We are in the middle of preparation for Easter in the church. Most years I am involved but asked to be let off this year. I had a week away two weeks ago and since then have been very busy so I need time to relax and enjoy family time for a while. I did go to Sydney to see the oncologist and the physiotherapist who specialises in lymphoedema and both were pleased my condition hasn't changed but I still get very tired and blame the thyroid operation for that. Vitamins don't seem to help and putting my feet up mid afternoon seems to give my body a break so I try to do that most days.
     
    The rest of the family are fine. There is still too many Covid cases in the State and as contact isolating is a matter of choice not law now my Adelaide grandkids are not coming here but their mother is going to see them over Easter. I have not seen them for two years. Unfortunately many grandparents are in the same situation. I see my Cardiff family when I go up there. I am so fortunate Trevor and Alice come here. I am also fortunate that I have good friends to meet up with for morning tea or lunch and the activities of the church and my Lions Club to participate in.
     
    Since Covid changed our lives I have gone back to counting my blessings. I pray more for all kinds of people who are going through all kinds of troubling times. It is one thing I can do at home. Prices are rising and taking a long trip in the car is something I have to think about now as fuel prices have almost doubled. Do I need to go here and there? Usually not. If I do can I get there by public transport which is subsidised for old people like me who are on a full or part pension? Yes? Even if it takes longer that is a good option.
     
    Sometimes I feel like my days are shortening I guess that happens to people of my age. My main life's work is over, what remains is sharing whatever wisdom I have accumulated. And that is only appropriate for some people who are seeking answers. The rest get prayed for. Of course practical help is needed sometimes and our church provides that. I am good as a listening ear so I do spend some time on the phone, not counseling, just listening. I hope that helps. I learned from my years as a telephone counselor that most people know what the solution to their problem is, they just need the courage to do it.
     
    So life goes on day to day, some good days, some not so good days. My family are well and seem to be coping with life, I am well according to my specialist. Covid is still here, some of my friends or their family members have had it but so far I haven't. I call that fortunate and am thankful for it. I'll just keep them all in my prayers.
     
  9. swilkinson

    Rain at last but too much of it!

    By swilkinson,


    General
    It's raining here, it has been for days. There is minor flooding in the creeks locally and there has been one drowning death. A man who drove through flood waters against advice and his car washed into a creek. So sad. I have had to redig drains because of increased flow and patch a dirt wall at the top side of the house washed away by one of the downpours. My Ray set up some " temporary" drains 30 years ago and now I'll have to do something to repair the damage. Of course that is reasonable wear and tear after all those years.
     
    Today we are all busy watching the situation in the Ukraine. I lived in a migrant area as a young girl and know some people who came from that area so their pain is my pain. I have always seen the world as being interconnected, that was my Dad's doing, it was his world view which probably came from his prisoner of war days when all were depending on each other. A salutary lesson for us all. Anyway I feel for the people of Ukraine and for those in other trouble spots in the world.
     
    I have done nothing exciting in the past ten days. The usual church attendance, craft group, shopping days were done under stress as I rushed from the car, umbrella unfurled. Other than what I had to do everything else has cancelled or postponed including a BBQ with the Stroke group WAGS. So life is really not what summer is usually like on the beautiful Central Coast. If the humidity would disappear life would be better though. Crocheting has increased and so the production of cat mats but gardening has not been possible without a snorkel. 
     
    The advantage of course of a wet summer is no bush fires our side of Australia. Western Australia has heat waves and bush fire threats so feel sorry for Janelle in that respect. We all deserve to be able to enjoy the summer and take advantage of the coastal lifestyle but too much hot sun or too  much rain can be a spoiler. There has still been a lot of extra traffic as this is still our tourist season. But I feel sorry the tourists have outlaid their money to be kept inside by the rain.
     
    I am keeping in touch with friends by phone, Facebook, email etc. As of today the mask mandate is over and we are encouraged to get out and about, mix, attend, spend and generally boost the economy but I am not sure I am ready for all that yet. With numbers still high in those catching Covid daily I am not sure mingling is what I want to do. Tomorrow is Sunday so church and then a quiet afternoon. My social life is quiet, my family is busy and the television is full of bad news so not a good outlook.
     
    Perhaps the rain will lift and we will go back to hot and sunny days but there will be high humidity after the floods. And mosquitoes as well of course. So for me it's a quieter life until the sun shines again.
     
  10. swilkinson

    Shine

    By swilkinson,


    General
    My word for this year is SHINE. I am not sure for the moment exactly what that means but I am determined not to let the new form of Covid take the colour out of my world. The numbers of cases is high, the government in its wisdom no longer publishes statistics or areas affected so we live in ignorance BUT I will not be afraid. Fear is why my three grandchildren in Adelaide have not come up to stay with their mother this summer holiday. Fear is why there were no Carol services and we are back to wearing masks in church. Fear is a kill joy.  
     
    So I have to be fearless. I have to do as much as I can to live a normal life. That has been easier with Trevor and Alice here the past week. Living with an active nine year old is very stimulating. Each day is a different experience and it starts when we get up and finishes when we go to bed. I really do wonder each day what exactly we did with our time but who cares? This is summer. Admittedly it is a wet summer but between showers we do outdoor things and when it rains there are movies to watch, card games, pictures to draw, stories to tell.
     
    I had Shirley and Naomi, Cate from church, Garry one of the Muffin Break gang and myself on Christmas Day for lunch which went well. Cate stayed for the afternoon. Then Peter came down for a few days and we did old people stuff, morning tea or lunch out, drives along the beaches, two of the flatter beaches we walked along. Nice to have him here as I enjoy his company. Then Peter went home and Alice and Trevor arrived so it's been so busy the past few weeks. A contrast to some previous years when I have been on my own most of January. Each day is a blessing when you have company as a widow. 
     
     Trevor always tackles some of my odd jobs. It is good to get the back door to slide properly and a good time to buy something for him to set up so I bought new handsets for my landline and a hard drive to store photos on. We took down the Christmas lights and I'll get some help with high cobwebs. Between times he and Alice do whatever you would do at a summer holiday cottage. I love to see them relax and enjoy the coastal lifestyle. Where they live it is hot semi desert country so a trip to the coast does them good. 
     
    This is a short update but there are things to do today. Stay safe, keep well, I'll be back soon.
  11. swilkinson

    Three weeks to Christmas

    By swilkinson,


    General
    Since we've been out of lockdown the time has gone so fast! There is so much more to do than housework, crocheting and gardening. There is more social activities in my Iife and more charity and pastoral care work. I did get away to Armidale for a week which was nice but in that week weeds sprang up, spiders got busy spinning webs and there seemed to be so many extra small tasks to do when I came back. So the weeks fly by.  
     
    I have been writing Christmas cards and starting to collect the goodies needed for Christmas Day and the week before New Year. Only four of us for Christmas Day lunch and then I'll be alone for dinner but friends are calling in later in the week. Then the day after New Year Trev and Alice arrive from Broken Hill. I am so looking forward to seeing them, they will be here for two weeks! So I'll be  busy till mid-January. Hopefully further Covid restrictions will not prevent that from happening.
     
    Are you still worried about Covid? Some people here are.  It has really got seriously depressing as far as some people are concerned. The weather isn't helping with a lot of gloomy days and much less warm and sunny days than usual at this time of the year. I am not unduly worried, with my past medical history I take each day as it comes. I try not to waste days so if I can do outside work that is fine, if not there is plenty to do inside.
     
    I want to do more traveling once Covid is not dominating our thinking. It would be great to visit old friends and catch up with my sister-in-law in Queensland. But the borders are only just opening up again and school holidays are coming so March or April will be soon enough. Unhappily I am not getting any younger and am aware that my health may be an issue in the future. 
     
    For those who knew her sadly Bonnie Stockman has just died. Bonnie was my supervisor when I first became a chat host. She was so lovely to me, even sent me postcards, she said to show me she was a REAL person. Many people wil remember Bonnie from back then. Sadly her husband John died and she changed over to Widowed Village where I became reacquainted with her.
     
    I have been so thankful for the wonderful people that I have met because of Ray's stroke journey both here and in my local life. I still have morning tea with some of the caregivers I know and love from Ray's Stroke Recovery group WAGS. And I stay on here because I have made many good friends on this site.  Good bless you all.
  12. swilkinson

    Roll on November

    By swilkinson,


    General
    As of the first of November I am allowed to travel . It has been a long time coming. I have been fully vaccinated since the end of June but the State government has been slow to release us from the Greater Sydney area.. But that is set to change on November 1st. We will still be masked and social distanced but we can move around again. Now that is something to be happy about.
     
    During lockdown and the past three weeks my life has been very routine. Gardening has been a life saver, something to draw me outside, mild exercise and because the kids next door were also outside, interaction with others. The past three weeks some more shops opened, we were allowed to sit and drink coffee, I actually went out to lunch once and the Lions Club met last Tuesday for dinner. It is not freedom yet but at least some social encounters can take place.
     
    I know in a few years we will laugh at our panicking about this virus and the government response but we are all afraid to a certain extent of dying or having an illnesss which will have life long side effects. In 1990 I had a virus that required ten days in hospital with some fairly experimental drugs that eventually saw me cured. However a third of my right lung that was compromised then is now hardening. So I didn't come through it unscathed. I think the same may happen with Covid.  
     
    So we soldier on. The strokes Ray had taught me to just get on with life. At times when I didn't know what to do I just did the next thing on the list. Sometimes I felt like giving up but who would have looked after Ray if I did?  Sometimes when I was in chat or when I posted something on here someone made a kind comment and that was enough to lift my mood and the kindness and concern by people who I hardly knew gave me the courage to go on.
     
    So thank you to all those who offer others encouragement on here. I know sometimes we seem to have do little to offer but our comment and the comments of others build us up and encourages us to go on. I don't need to be here now in a way but I still want to stay and interact with others who are in the same position Ray and I once were. Basically I want to express concern and repay the kindness that wa once shown to me. That is important to me.
     
    So I hope that those who read this will soon be enjoying some new freedoms too. I hope that you can plan some reunion on Thanksgiving Day or at Christmas or whatever festival you and your family celebrate. I hope your circumstances improve and you can move around freely again. And we then can  truly appreciate the true meaning of freedom in a caring community.
     
  13. swilkinson

    Keeping busy in lockdown

    By swilkinson,


    General
    I am still in lockdown, just as we were due to come out of lockdown our numbers in our local government area (LGA) began to rise. Only about 25 a day but with all the other late winter ailments that send people to hospital ours can't cope if numbers get too high. So the stay-at-home order continued. I am disappointed that once again I will miss out on a visit from any of my grandchildren for their school holidays. I so look forward to Trevor and Alice coming but once again that is impossible.
     
    Today is Day 76 in lockdown and tonight I will do another entry on my Facebook page and tell my friends what I did today. Not exciting stuff but people seem to find they can relate to it . I guess it is a little like Seinfeld's program, much ado about nothing. I keep in  touch with as many people as I can from church an the other groups I belong to but it is no substitute for seeing them in person. Life is hard for single retired people but harder still for my disabled friends in the WAGS group who have so few resources they can count on.
     
    I still talk to Peter every second night, we have been doing this for eighteen months now. We talk about everything and nothing but it breaks down the isolation for us both. His LGA has been released from lockdown so he will have more to tell me about his day. I also still belong to the nightly prayer group so have a different form of communication with that. I sometimes attend church by YouTube and this morning attended West Armidale, the church Peter attends, by Zoom. My old iPad is good for Zoom and  Messenger. So  you see me on Facebook and want a chat that's fine.
     
    My garden had been my major occupation since the beginning of the lockdown so it is good that it is showing some results, more blooms, stronger plant growth. I also potted up bulbs, daffodils and jonquils and have enjoyed their blooming. In past years I have been do busy with other pursuits and my garden received little care, so the lockdown has enabled me to spend more time on it. I can still call in to the local garden centre and buy seedlings as that is considered helping my mental health. Although that is the more expensive part of gardening it also adds t the pleasure.
     
    I still crochet the cat mats for the RSPCA, write letters, sort boxes, do the housework etc. I know for me it is good to have a routine but also to have the opportunity to change it if I want to. I think I am finally contented in my own company, something that has enriched my life of solitude. I know it has been a long time coming as it is nearly nine years since Ray died now. Sometimes I feel sad, upset, lonely but that is inevitable. My children have busy lives, I cannot see my friends in person but I still have a lot to be thankful for.
     
    So friends, wherever you are, whatever you are doing, be well, keep safe. And I will do the same. We need to come out of this with a new purpose in life. To live life to the full.
     
  14. swilkinson

    Trying to keep positive

    By swilkinson,


    General
    It seems a long time since I last posted a blog. I have been in what feels like imposed solitude since June 26th along with 5 million or so other people. We are in a huge area known as Greater Sydney, we haven't had many cases but because so many people commute from the Central Coast to businesses in Sydney and the surrounding areas whenever parts of Sydney go into lockdown we do too. It annoys the locals as we don't get the benefit of living in Sydney just the side effects. We will not come out of lockdown until after August 28th.
     
    I had the sad situation of Trevor and Alice arriving on the 26th June at 5am to spend a week with me only to leave again at 5pm to avoid being locked in for the duration. Thirteen hours drive each way between here and Broken Hill so a bad start to Alice's two week school holidays. She and Trevor had to go into 
    isolation for fourteen days when they got back to Broken Hill so deeply regretted they didn't have time at  "her beach" here on the coast. Trevor and Alice were confined to his house except for exercise and shopping. Trev said the time flew by with plenty in the craft box plus computer and games on her Switch occupying most of her time.
     
    I was devastated by their abrupt departure and sorrowful for days but got over it eventually. I guess because I am a widow I am used to my own company so although I don't have much outside contact the computer and the phone still connect me with friends and family. I have been posting a daily diary on Facebook and today is Day 40 of it so if you are a friend on my Facebook you will have seen how I spend my time. It is mostly gardening and housework and I am still crocheting the cat mats  but recently I have added photo sorting as I found two shoe boxes of loose photos. These included some of my Dad's so I started sorting and then found some of his Uncle Jim who was a Beefeater and served in the Royal Household for our present Queen's father so decided to send copies to a cousin who is working on the family tree.
     
    I've joined a nightly prayer group, not from my church but a collection of people on the Central Coast, it is an assorted group but a good connection to a couple that I knew a long time ago. I think that this forced isolation has benefited me in the way that gives me extra time to sort out my life. I have in a way enjoyed the fact that there is very little I have to do that is scheduled so I can choose what to do when I choose to do it. I have never experienced that before. I went from my parents home to marry and live with Ray, from being a wife and mother to being a caregiver, from being a caregiver to being a widow and keeping busy doing so many things to block out the loneliness. But now there is none of that social outreach and so I can see life differently.
     
    What the future holds none of us knows. My friend Peter and I still talk via Messenger every second night, we can't visit as I am not allowed out of the Greater Sydney area. I still ring or text various other widows so we are up to date with what is going on in each other's life and what we struggle with. I still come on here and another couple of sites, filling in time mostly though I think that is another good connection that benefits others too. What is missing is the up close and personal contact, the socialising, the handshakes, hugs and sharing joy together. I really miss that. I hope that reoccurs as part of our new normal but I do know the old normal is not coming back.
     
    Whatever happens next is in other hands. I just have to continue to keep calm and allow myself the freedom to choose among the things I am still able to do and enjoy my life.
  15. swilkinson

    Thoughts from my isolation

    By swilkinson,


    General
    We in Greater Sydney are in lockdown. This was supposed to be a great week with Trev and Alice here for her first week of the school holidays. They arrived on Saturday morning and left at 5pm on Saturday afternoon. This was due to an order that came out that we were going into lockdown because of cases of Covid-19 increasing in Sydney, the  virulent Delta strain.They had two choices, get out of the Greater Sydney area before 6pm to go home and quarantine there in Broken Hill or to stay here for two weeks and then go home to fourteen more days of quarantine. That would mean Alice missing two weeks of school. And break the rules by which Trev has access.
     
    It was a very difficult decision to make and we were all in tears as we accepted what had to happen. Alice was  particularly upset as she loves her weeks holiday on the coast with her opportunities for walking on the beach etc. Edie, Alice's Mum, was on the phone keeping us up with the new regulations, Alice and Trev were repacking the car and I was piling some food into a box to take with them. It was chaos! All our plans for the week we're no longer viable and thirteen hours drive ahead for Trev on less than four hours sleep! 
     
    For me the scary part was the threat of isolation again. This was a stay-at-home order so another two weeks alone, no church, no Lions dinner, no coffee in the shops, no contact with friends. For people with local family only five people in the home but for me it will be two weeks mostly spent alone. I did this last year and somehow I survived I know but to go through that again was a daunting prospect. So here I am at the end of day three, still sane so far but only because I am a survivor of so many adverse circumstances. I can survive , having done it before I know I can do it again. But it has been a sacrifice.
     
    The extra disappointments were that we had lined up a visit with my daughter and granddaughter, a lunch out with Alice's favourite aunt, Aunty Pamela, and for Alice a visit to her cousins on her mother's side and have a sleepover. All of that well programmed week of activities disappeared. The State never makes moves that enhances the family, the community comes first. I understand that but on an individual basis it is a tragedy. This Covid crisis has put so much stress onto families. Happily I am retired so finances are stable but for workers whose industry have closed down for two weeks without pay it is a disaster.
     
    Last week I went to a High tea so had designed a similar event for Alice. I gave Trevor most of the goodies plus the tea set I was going to use for it. Trevor didn't really want to take the china set but I am happy to have him have it, Alice deserves to have something special to look forward to, and we all need that kind of special pampering. The High Tea that I went to was mostly about old fashioned place settings and elegantly served tiny portions of sweet food so I am sure Trevor can draw up a suitable menu. He is up to playing tea parties, Shirley as his older sister did that for him. Little brothers make good guests.
     
    As I write this I am counting my blessings. I have a home and a family, friends and colleagues, there are  some things in my life that give it purpose. I have my health, I have just had my second vaccination so have a reasonable chance of not getting Covid. I live in an area where the winter climate is fairly mild, though colder than usual this winter. I know love in many forms but particularly in the friendships I am so lucky to have. I just have to keep well, make sure I am safe, keep busy and keep my mind busy. It is easy to fall into depression. I know that from my blue days when I lost hope when looking after Ray. Not going back there again.
     
    No life is hopeless, we all have ups and downs, highs and lows, good days and bad days. How we face up to the bad times is about our attitude. I know all of that but once again it is isolation and isolation means loneliness. I have my friend Peter chatting to me on Messenger  every second night from his home in Armidale so the other night I can phone a friend or watch a favourite movie. I hope to go through the next two weeks without too much trouble and not too much complaining. Good luck to all who are going through the same situation wherever you are. We can do this!!!!
  16. swilkinson

    Feels like snow

    By swilkinson,


    General
    No it is not snowing but the wind is howling around the house, the wind chill factor is making it feel around zero and I am only going outside when I have too. Sitting reading or crocheting or even mending which I hate is better than being outside. I wanted to do some gardening today but that will have to wait till the sun is out again. The weeds still grow regardless and I need to go on topping up the potplants but it is not worth risking a cold on a day like today. I get my second Covid shot next week do need to stay well till then.
     
    Last week  I had my friend Peter here and fortunately it was much milder so we did go on short trips around the coast, to beauty spots and picnic spots and even on a short ferry ride and it was a pleasant little holiday for both of us. I love showing visitors our beautiful Central Coast and although Peter was a local here he didn't live right where I do and had I think forgotten how beautiful it is even in winter. On my birthday we met up with friends of his for lunch and as Helen was my room mate for my first year of weekend lectures at Theological college we are always welcomed by her and her husband. As usual none of my family could be with me so it was good to be with friends.
     
    Yesterday I had a reminder that it is good to be able to repay a kindness. One of the women who was always good to me when I looked after Ray was recently widowed herself. She wanted to donate some of his clothes to our charity shop at church so I met her there and afterwards we had coffee together while she talked of the difficulty she is facing as a new widow. She was looking for reassurance and I was able to give her that. Each person's experience is different but widow fog, unresolved grief and uncertainty about the future we all have in common.
     
    One thing we can do with our experience as stroke survivors and caregivers is to help others. We comment on posts here and in our own real world whenever we come across someone with a problem we ourselves have overcome we are able to share how we were helped or helped ourselves to overcome it. We aren't experts but can draw on our own experiences. This journey we are on is shared unfortunately by many others. In dealing with Ray's strokes I had a lot of help, particularly from the people on this site and the people of the Stroke Recovery group we belonged to. Now I also have the experience of being a widow when Ray's journey ended and as the caregivers from that group are also widowed I can now help them.
     
    Like ASHA I am able to use the experiences I have had to see life in a new light. When I was going through the process of being a caregiver I was too close to the problems often to see how they shaped my life but now looking back I can see that transition from selfishness to understanding. I am no great shakes as a counselor, though some people do look to me for that, but experience is sometimes a substitute for wisdom as long as I see my experience as an advantage. I love to get to know people and have a lot of people who I call friends be they close or far away. If you have known me for a long time then you are my friend. And I hope that is of benefit to you.
     
    Winter is a period of introspection for me. My family are busy with their own affairs, the more active of my friends have taken off in their caravans for that trip north to warmer climes and there are short days and long nights to fill. So sorting photos brings back memories as does that little bit of drawer shuffling I call decluttering. Photos from the past are bitter sweet. Ray in his happy, healthy days, school photos of the kids growing up, family BBQs. I thought the kids and their families would always be close to us, but that is not the way life works now. Lots of my friends have children who live interstate or overseas, grandchildren they rarely see. We no longer live in villages and do not have that feeling of closeness we once associated with family. Which of course creates more problems as we age.
     
    I can send you all good vibes, good wishes for your improving health and be here hoping good things happen to you. Thank you to all my friends on here, for your support, for your comments and encouragement. Where would we be without good friends? The winter winds might blow here but I know some of you way up in the northern hemisphere have high temperatures and are struggling to find coolness. The saying : " We are all in this together" seems to be bandied around a lot at the moment but I often feel we could become just in our own little boat lost on a big ocean except that we can always choose to travel together. As we do here.
     
     
     
  17. swilkinson

    Short days of rain

    By swilkinson,


    General
    It had to come, short rainy days, dark nights and I have to go out tonight! But apart from that life is back to being routine, I am going to meetings, out to lunch about once a week, keeping up with friends again. There are still people who go out very rarely but that is really motivated by their own fears. There is very little chance of Covid infection. I feel sorry for those who listen to the many rumours floating around about the vaccinations and are afraid to have one but I have had my first and my flu shot so feel more protected.
     
    But this weekend it is Mother's Day on Sunday and we have a temporary 3 day restriction and are back to wearing masks in public again, no singing in church etc so I have told my daughter not to come down to me on Sunday as we can celebrate some other time. No need to have her travel to our hot spot if she doesn't have to. In Newcastle she is out of the Greater Sydney bubble and working in the nursing home she has to declare if she has visited me. Life gets complicated by these sudden shutdowns but I think we are getting used to it. Becoming cynical in fact.
     
    Apart from these short breaks with reality I am okay. I can get around, enjoy the short bursts of sunshine that winter features, going out in the garden and doing the repotting that needs to be done. I have unpacked a box of old books Mum had, they have been in storage from 2001 when she came to "visit" me and then went into the nursing home. I have read most of them before but they will be okay for winter reading. The cat mats are still needed and I am slowly, s.l.o.w.l.y, getting into the decluttering. I do welcome any interruption to that unsavoury task, but it is necessary.
     
    The aim of the decluttering is more cupboard space and hopefully easier packing up  if anything happens to me and I need to go into residential care. At 73 that is a possibility if I get seriously ill in the future. And my daughter would have to do it. Having packed up for my parents and knowing how emotional it was for me I will try not to impose that on my Shirley. I know that is a dark thought but I guess the shut in feeling from the rainy days bring those thoughts to mind. But I am strong enough now to face that. A year or two ago that was not so.
     
    I still talk to Peter on Messenger, as contemporaries we have the same concerns and as old friends we have a lot of joint memories to talk about. He has finally got his Master of History paperwork and with no official graduation days this year is having a church blessing instead. I have also caught up with a couple of old friends from my working days and hope to meet up with those two former colleagues this month. Life changes and hopefully meeting up with friends and family makes those changes easier. Like everyone else I have my hopes and fears particularly bring on my own and cope as best I can with the life I have.
     
    So how do we go forward from here is a question asked here at all levels of our society. You can tell I have too much time on my hands when I ask questions like that. So I better stop typing, go and get some breakfast and go on with the day. Keep safe, keep well and we'll all come through this troubled time.
  18. swilkinson

    "Darls"

    By swilkinson,


    General
    In Australia a lot of service type people call older ladies "Darls" short for darling, an inoffensive term of endearment and often a substitute for other words such as "sweetie" (sweetheart) or "pet" which were often used a couple of decades ago. This morning a trolley boy took my trolley back to the trolley bay after asking if he could "take it Darls" and last week another young man offered to help unload my groceries. All this shows I am an older woman now, a fact given away by the grey hair and the way I walk when I am tired. The left leg where I had the melanoma removed from behind the knee because of its weight gain due to Lymphoedema makes me look when I am tired as if I have had a stroke now.
     
    All in all people are kinder since the pandemic, maybe because they are more locally concerned, more aware of their neighbourhood or of their surroundings. I like it when there is that fellow feeling is expressed in acts of kindness like the young man this morning. It makes life feel more worthwhile. I am tired because my son Trevor and Alice left to go home at 3am and I didn't get back to sleep after that. I always feel uneasy until Trev rings to say they are home safely again. A mother never stops worrying about her kids, however old they are. And those back roads he travels can have many unexpected hazards like bounding wildlife, wet patches and pot holes so deep you can get lost in them.
     
    I enjoyed our time together. Alice is growing easier to live with now. At eight she is obviously intelligent and easier to talk to. We have various things to do and she enjoys coastal life. Easter was a complicated time because holidaymakers came in droves to our lovely part of the coast and parking close to the beach, the shops or any of the beauty spots was impossible but they did go swimming, did visit friends and we as a family ate out a few times. At home we played her computer games and she and  I made bracelets. Trev brought boxes of books down from the cabin which I will use as my winter reading. He also fixed a few problems for me.
     
    Tomorrow I have my first vaccination, on Monday I see my doctor to discuss my general health as a few things showed up again in the PET scan. I think I can get through life fairly well for a few years yet but you can never tell. Today I got news of four different people from Ray's old Stroke Recovery group who have deteriorated during Covid. Age is a factor of course but in several cases it is additional stroke damage or maybe just a deterioration due to inactivity. A couple of them are younger than me. We have also lost a few members in the last twelve months. You have to be under retirement age to join the group but some of them joined the club going on for twenty years ago so were no longer young.
     
     I try to keep busy as you know but certainly can also see changes in myself. After the inactivity of the past year I am less likely to be physically active for a big percentage of the day now. I have to get out more in places where I can get fresh air and a good walk. Without  company there is less incentive to do that. I also still am not allowed to do the visiting to nursing homes and congregational members in hospital as I used to as there is some uncertainty about my auto immune system. I tell you life gets more complicated as you age. But I feel fine, get up of a morning and go through the day without too much bother. But I look at women ten years my junior and realise I ain't the gal I used to be.
     
    Daylight saving ended last Sunday and afternoons are shorter now. That pile of books looks more tempting now and I am glad I have a few things set aside to do when the days are colder. This is the season I miss Ray the most. This is the time when a chat in the late afternoon was a pleasure, when a soup and toastie meal was good at the end of the day. I guess I will never get over missing him. Our children and their families are out there living a life of their own and sometimes briefly come back home for a few days, which is lovely. But mostly my happiness is down to me. And that is the way it is for us older widows.
     
     
     
  19. swilkinson

    Rain and sunshine 🔆

    By swilkinson,


    General
    I am person who is sometimes short on perception. This in my lifetime has caused some interesting discussion, like the time I prayed for rain and a furious man confronted me outside the church and said: "How dare you pray for rain when I start to harvest my crop on Monday?" So I am a little hesitant to give any kind of opinion or advice unless I know all the facts. So whoever's prayed for rain on the New South Wales coast will they p!ease stop! Elsewhere if you are still in drought go ahead no harm should come of it!
     
    We have had two weeks of rain with very heavy rain this week resulting in flash flooding in many areas and thousands of displaced people. The usual helping hand groups are out helping with the clean up, this being the second day of sunshine, but for all affected there is much heartache to come. As usual our Lions Club will donate whatever we can to be handed out where it is needed most. We can help financially where we as older folk we can no longer help physically. I do wish there was more we could do.
     
    My backyard was a stream, I have had water under the house but on the whole everything remained dry. My family has all escaped damage and that is a blessing too. Now there is some digging of drains to be done down the side of my house before the next rain event as the stormy weather is usual for this time of the year. Daylight saving finishes on Easter Sunday so I will again be disliking the earlier nights. I find as a widow I tend to cocoon, shutting out the dark and cold days so I will stock up with books and craft supplies and wait out winter in the same way I did last year.
     
    Trevor and Alice will be here in a week's time. Hopefully the warm weather will continue and we will have sunny days out to enjoy. No visit from the Adelaide grandkids as their mother is going to rent a house close to them for a week. Hope they enjoy showing her around their favourite places. Split families have their own ways of dealing with life I suppose. I grew up without grandparents because my parents brought us to Australia when I was young so appreciate knowing my own grandchildren better. Circumstances alter cases. I am so lucky to see them as frequently as I do.
     
    I am still crocheting the little cat mats, I didn't do any while I was visiting my friends in Armidale for a week so I hope there are no cute kittens sitting on sacks instead of pretty little cat mats at the RSPCA shop. I do think the mats help to show off the kittens and make their adoption quicker. I must have made over a hundred of them now. I think it helps me too, hard to be blue when your hands and mind are busy with working out what colour to blend in next. It sounds trivial I know but whatever keeps your mind off your troubles helps to improve your life and it is helpful to others in some way that is a bonus. 
     
    The sun is shining and sounds of lawns being mowed fill the air. Good work for a late Friday afternoon. The little ones next door are out on the trampoline shrieking and having fun, they have just come home from school. It is the sound of normality. That is a good sound. I am reasonably well, I am reasonably happy, that is a blessing. I have the usual old lady complaints, shoulders, hips and knees but none of them so bad I can't get around. Untill that Handsome Prince comes along and storms the Castle I think I'll just stay here and enjoy life as much as I can.
  20. swilkinson

    A little scare

    By swilkinson,


    General
    I had my annual PET scan last Friday, then on Tuesday I got a phone call from my new Melanoma specialist, could I go and get another more specific CT as there seemed to be an "anomaly" on my liver! Well panic stations for me as I contemplated what would happen if this was related to my original melanoma. So I hurried into our nearest town and had the extra CT. As usual the staff there were very kind, used to assisting people who are expecting bad news. But they are not allowed to tell you anything, that is up to the specialist.
     
    Wednesday was my specialist appointment so Shirley came down on Tuesday night and Wednesday we went down to Sydney. Well the news was good, no sign of the dark spot seen on the previous PET so no worries. My body was scanned by the oncologist for anything that might be a cancer precursor and again no bad news - everything was okay. Then an extra source of good news, I could have an appointment with the lymphoedema therapist in the same building in the early afternoon so if Shirley and I went for lunch I would see her after that!
     
    I was so pleased, in the three years so since getting the lymphoedema I had not seen anyone other than the nurses from the local clinic. The amount I paid was more than twice the doctor's fee but well worth it as the consultation lasted an hour and every question I had was answered. AND I am now allowed to fly as my condition has been declared stable as long as I exercise for four minutes every half hour. I can walk in the hydrotherapy pool as new research says as long as the water is not above blood temperature it is okay and swim without the stockings on. 
     
    How wonderful it will be when I can also take the sockettes off for a brief time to wear something more glamourous than slacks. And she also suggested fake tan on the lower legs and nice sandals. Wahoo! Glamorous sandals! I'm estatic! On the downside a couple of new problems have shown up but will be on a watch and wait basis so another PET scan in August to see if they are still a problem. I am happy with that outcome, I didn't want any more operations for a while. And maybe there won't be changes and no need for that after August.
     
    I needed that sense of freedom, I want to travel, I want to go away from here maybe even finally visit friends, that if Covid restrictions allow that to happen. And that is the problem, we still have borders closing every time we have a new outbreak of Covid and that makes travel uncertain. But that's llife all over the world isn't it? Life as we have lead it for a year or more. So I can fly but planning a holiday is still risky. But that is the story of my life really.
     
    I do know I am blessed, by present day good health, by good friends and particularly Shirley and her family. I had Christopher here last week for a few days to do some of my jobs that need someone taller as I am now in the shrinking time of life. I have my ups and downs as we all do but on the whole am copimg well with no reason to have to sell. Let's hope that lasts for a while.  Life ahead is unclear but when I look back at my life I guess it always was.
     
  21. swilkinson

    Colouring my world

    By swilkinson,


    General
    I wonder if  I gave you a blank sheet of paper and told you to draw me a picture of your world using colour not lines what it would look like? Perhaps you could do that today? Some of you would ask for a coloured sheet because to some people that flat white sheet looks threatening, not like their life feels like at all. A friend of mine is going through a bad time and  I think her background colour would be grey. None of us want black because that can be threatening too, because even at the worst times life is not black it is spotted with blue and yellow and red and green and every shade of every colour all mixed and blurred into colours we could not name.
     
    A person from the beginnings of my time on Strokenet called Pat would post me a reply to that paragraph saying " stop being so philosophical" and I get that, for some people life is primary coloured, they cannot see the shading. They know life is tough and hard and REAL. And that is how we all feel when our lives are bad and filled with pain. That is how I felt after each of my operations, living in pain and doubt and anguish. But it is not how I  generally feel. Mostly I try to reflect on what is happening to me and make some sense of it which is why my blogs are in a sense reflections not stark reality.
     
    So what is happening in my world? I am a little lost right now. I guess I built life up to be better in 2021 so I can see now that is a false hope, life in 2021 is much like life in 2020 with Covid still here, masking for shopping, church etc. Life is still about not having plans to travel, only five visitors at a time in your home, not going to certain places because they are hot spots. Life is still restricted. So the meetings are again small, everyone is cautious, there are many still who hardly leave their homes. What a pity. I think that as an older person I have less to lose now, after all I have lived not a good life but an interesting one and having had a really bad virus in my 40's maybe I am less frightened of hospitalisation and the dreaded image of being on a ventilator. Been there, done that.
     
    So back to keeping busy again. I had Trevor and Alice here for twelve days and that was hectic, full of fun and laughter but also awareness that we are not really a family now but people who have common memories. During the time they were here we had interaction with the other cousins, lunches of seven or eight people had to be in public areas as we still cannot have more than five people in our homes in addition to the family who live there in my case just me. We did go to the beach and to the local saltwater pool, the Ocean Baths. Yes I did get sunburned again this year from standing in the water talking instead of swimming. And we did go next door for one of Brett's roast nights. 
     
    The visit always comes to a sad end as Alice loves being on the Coast. This year she even got to spend time with her cousins who are the children of her mother's sister, she loved that day. Cousins are important to me as mine were all in England or Canada and I have only caught up with them in the last 20 years or so and then infrequently. Alice's generation shares their lives on Facetime and other media platforms, so they are still in contact but not in person. Trevor has two more of her cousins he wants her to meet maybe next visit to the Coast. The time they spend here flies so fast, we never fit in all we had hoped to do and as their first week was fairly wet the beach visits were only possible the second week.
     
    When everyone has gone home or back to their normal life is usually my planning time so out comes the calendar and I mark in regular committments, Lions and other meetings, then school holidays, birthdays, possible holidays etc. It is an exciting time seeing the expected highlights in the months ahead. I am not sure I can do that this year. Already there have been losses among my acquaintance group, already there are notices of meetings cancelled and major events postponed. I hate living in fear and to a certain extent that is how we are living right now. I really don't know if there will be family celebrations, morning tea is still not an option at church, Friday coffee group and Playtime is still not possible. Where are we to join in fellowship now? Colour me grey on that one.
     
    I am busy with crocheting the cat mats for the RSPCA, two mother cats and eight kittens were handed in last week and they all need transition mats to take to their forever homes. Doesn't take much to make me feel guilty does it? I should be filling that order! And so life goes on. Plenty to do, finding the energy to do it is a other matter. I love the sound of parrots outside, the roar of traffic diminished by their bright voices. The little tawny frogmouth (owl) chick should fledge soon so I am keeping an eye out for that. The garden needs weeding and watering, and there are replies to write to some of the Christmas letters so colour me busy!!!
     
     
     
  22. swilkinson
    I am a very fortunate person, I love life, I have been lucky with my choice of husband, and with my three children. I have six beautiful grandchildren. That is the way I like to look at life. But of course there is much more to my life than that. And if you have read my blogs from the early part of my journey with stroke you will know of my struggles with the journey that Ray's series of strokes took us on.
     
    My experience with the caregiver life along with the experiences I got on this site have really stood me in good stead during the past year. The isolation of the lockdown was nothing compared to the isolation that the strokes caused. The instant changes of yet another set of regulations was very like the many changes with Ray's treatments. Life had prepared me for this. What it had not prepared me for was the loneliness but widowhood had. I was used to being on my own.
     
    I was very fortunate in January, February and March before the pandemic hit. I got away for a few days early in January, went on the second last cruise of the Ruby Princess in February and on my return had my thyroid operation.  I survived lockdown, I always had plenty of food in the freezer, always seemed to find what I needed in the supermarket, including toilet rolls. How silly was that episode in Australian history? We have an epidemic and we make a rush on toilet paper? Really Aussies what were you thinking? Well you should have at least a year's supply if the media reports are correct.
     
    It was great each time the regulations were relaxed and I could meet up with friends in small numbers. Most of the organisations I belonged to met with some restrictions or Zoomed or sent out bulletins by email. I missed the fellowship, the fun and particularly the hugs as we practiced social distancing. Drinking coffee with a mask on, recognising smiling at people isn't effective of you are wearing a mask and so there was a gap between people caused by that too. I found  that was hard to get used to.
     
    In March began a relationship that I had never expected. A friend I had known for thirty years decided he would ring me every second night,  just to make sure I was okay. This improved my mental health and through our talks our relationship developed. We first met early in the '90s when I started theological studies when he became my mentor. Through Ray's long journey with strokes, fits etc he became a family friend and we became Aunty Sue and Uncle Ray to his two disabled grandsons, going on picnics and day trips around the Central Coast. Them he got married but the marriage was short  lived and he moved away to start a new life.
     
    I don't know if this will be more than an extended friendship, I feel a little old for romance but as we live six hours drive apart a week here or there is a break for us both. If friends and family are shocked so be it. Nothing untoward has happened so far. Funny to say that at my age this is a very unexpected result of the Covid journey but who knew that absence of the routine that had filled my life prior to Covid would open my life to a new relationship. Peter was here for our Christmas lunch and the sky did not fall in so obviously my daughter was okay with him being here. It was his daughter's idea as she and family were going to the other parents this year and did not want him to be on his own.
     
    But life goes on, I will not see him in person again until after the end of March as he is doing the last dissertation for a Master's degree in History, yes he is a nerd. So I will go on here with my normal routine, church, Lions, pastoral care, meet ups with friends as permitted, I am okay with that as it has been my life for the past eight years. I am a widow but so far have managed to live independently and with continuing good health should be able to do so. I have a good friendship base here so moving is not an option, too hard to replace the lovely people who have seen me through so much.
     
    I thought it was about time I confessed to this change in my life. It doesn't matter to me if people accept it, I know some won't, they have got used to me being a woman on my own and in reality that is what I still am. I just have a special man in my life and that is nice.
     
  23. swilkinson

    How can it be Christmas??

    By swilkinson,


    General
    How can it be Christmas??? There are no carols because singing in church is banned. There are no greetings, no cheeks kissed, no hugs, not the usual shoulders presses that our shyer members use by way of greeting. That applies to the churches,  the shopping centre or wherever friends meet. No contact and social distancing has an impact on all of us do more people are depressed and seeking medical help for it now. There are fewer decorative Christmas lights, only two houses in my street have done their usual display. There have been a spate of missing parcels so it looks like there are opportunists stealing parcels out of letterboxes or off verandahs. I don't remember that happening in years gone by.
     
     
    In years gone by a crisis like Covid would have brought out the best in people. Remember movies like "Little Women" where those who had little  themselves strobe to look after the poor and the helpless, that doesn't seem to be happening now. Because of Covid a lot of organizations like the Lions Club I belong to have been unable to fundraise so unable to support a lot of community groups who supply Christmas hampers to those who through the circumstances of their life have not been able to save for those little extras that make a big difference to families. Our church has not distributed food hampers either. So many will feel less secure.
     
     
    I don't think this is anyone's fault. I think somehow fear of the future has crept back into our lives and so we are less likely to be generous. We have just had a few new Covid cases in Sydney and so our State borders closed and the result was another run on, yes you guessed it, toilet paper! Really? Didn't we learn from the last time this happened? What is wrong with us? Aussies used to be more resistant, more sensible, they would have shopped for the essentials in case of a lockdown, items such as flour and tea, coffee, tins of food, frozen foods etc that would be more appropriate surely? Dry goods, long life milk etc are still sitting on the shelves but the toilet rolls have vanished. Come on people, what are you thinking?
     
     
    I have just had my sweet sixteen grand daughter Naomi here for a few days, she wondered why I went shopping most days. Sometimes it was to meet up with friends, sometimes to add to the pile of family Christmas presents or to top up the supply of food and drink that will disappear so rapidly on Christmas Day. I think she maybe hasn't taken note yet of how a housewife of my era operates, looking back on my life I never had the money to pay out all at once so extra shopping was done as I had money to spare. That  may still be my default setting. Besides there is a lot of pleasure still for me in looking for a bargain. For her generation it is eBay or Amazon I suppose.
     
     
    We are in a La Nina period which means rain and high humidity and I can hardy hear myself think for the sound of cicadas. And the lawn is growing at three times the normal speed. Not complaining as this time last year our State was ravished by bush fires. At least this year the farmers have crops and fruit is fresh and juicy and vegetables crunch instead of wilting. I have been amazed at how the land has recovered. But I know many people who lost their homes are still waiting for their insurance or tradesmen or some sort of recovery group to help them out. Trauma doesn't just disappear, it lingers on in so many different ways. As the upheaval caused by Covid will in do for many families who have lost income or a business or even a mortgaged home due to the lockdowns.
     
     
    I feel lucky. Living with Ray with the strokes that happened out of the blue taught me resilience, taught me to expect the unexpected, to do whatever needed to be done in whatever form circumstances demanded. For this reason looking back on this year I think I have come through it better than a lot of people. Sure there have been difficult parts and I've written about the side effects of that here But with friends as cheerleaders those problems have mostly been overcome. Life is not perfect but it is doable. I think with this new Covid cluster this side of Sydney it is too early to make plans for 2021. That will have to wait. It is try to get through Christmas, New Year and the summer holidays and then see how easy it will be to plan short trips etc. 
     
     
    On Christmas day I am expecting Shirley and Christopher, Pam and her three children so four out of six grandchildren plus two old friends who will all be here for lunch. Hence all the shopping witnessed by Naomi. Dinner at night probably just for three of us
    will be leftover meats plus new salads, that should be sufficient after a big lunch. Rain is predicted so we will be inside, unless it is fine there is no point in wanting to be outside. The grandchildren are all teens or older now so they can entertain themselves. I'm wondering if there will even be many church services with the new restrictions, back to masking etc. And no singing?? How come express our joy at Christmas without singing? I have to keep remembering that this too will pass, all I have to do is live through it.
     
     
    And so I will still wish you a merry whatever it is you celebrate, for me it is Christmas. Wherever you are on this planet called Earth keep well, keep safe and we will enjoy the next exciting adventure together!
     
  24. swilkinson

    Time flows

    By swilkinson,


    General
    In December the TV presenters start to review the year that was. 2020 was a crazy year and unique in my life time. The presenters say this happened and that happened but it makes no sense to me and probably wouldn't to you because this was a year where we each made our own history. This was the year when I spent a lot of time alone. Time of lock down or isolation, whatever you want to call it. It was a time that went slow some days and yet at the same time seemed to go so fast with no landmarks or mile stones to show where one month finished and another began.
     
    So what did 2020 mean to me? Well I gained a new relationship. Peter and I have known each other for more than 30 years. 30 years ago I started studying theology, a course taught through remote learning with three weekends study periods at St John's College and a week at the college mid winter. I hadn't studied since high school and was introduced to Peter as a potential tutor. He turned out to be my tutor, my study buddy and my friend. He became a family friend too. Ray was happy to have his company and I appreciated his help, I needed all the help I could get.
     
    After I finished my diploma I saw him infrequently, for years maybe once or twice a year. We had a lot of mutual friends, an interest in the same things. End of story. I had thirteen years of looking after Ray and that took up all my time. I saw Ray decline, I struggled to keep him as well as I could, it took every ounce of energy I had. The end of this story you all know. Days of mourning and nights without sleep, trying to let go of Ray after all of those caregiving years was no easy task. And of course I had looked after my parents too. Mum outlived Ray as she always said she would, he died aged 70 and Mum aged 94. Who would have thought that possible?
     
    I was unhappy as a widow but the years passed and somehow I got my feet back under me and made a new life for myself. I even went on a few dates but no more than two with any one person. I met a man called Lyn who was my companion for a while. He was a nice person to be with but his life had been very dysfunctional and friendship was all that he wanted. That relationship was short lived, he had leukemia which gradually got worse but we remained friends and I accepted a difficult task and visited him in hospital for the last twelve weeks of his life. He died aged 70. So I was lonely again. Peter in the meantime had married and divorced and moved away from the area.
     
    He wanted me to visit so I did, with a highly respectable arrangement as he had his grandson and grandson's fiancée living with him. That was three years ago. I guess you could say we grew closer. Since then I have been up a couple of times to that lovely part of the State. Enter Covid and he decided for my safety he would ring me on a regular basis. That started in March and in those long periods of lockdown we talked over the whole spectrum of our lives and the lives of our families. I have enjoyed those conversations and that is where we are right now, appreciating each others companionship. No intention of extending that but he will be here for Christmas, his daughter, grandson etc are going to the other grandparents and he is coming here to be with my family.
     
    What have I been doing with the rest of my time? The usual routine. Time just flies by, one day much like another except for the last two months when family have been in need of my help. Church is back although not as we knew it, masked, no singing, no bodily contact, shaking hands or hugging is taboo. Social distancing is hard on us old folk who have lost our partners and have children living away but we have coped. Now we are slowly coming out of our isolation and while parties and excursions are not happening coffee mornings and lunches out with social distancing and much hand washing are now taking place.
     
    So life goes on. A different kind of normal, less social but probably more sustainable is slowly evolving. Our politicians are promising a vaccine but how reliable that will be and how long the immunity will last seems to be debatable. I don't think a lot of my peer group have faith in it. I will get immunised if that seems wise but go on my doctor's advice. My autoimmune system is not the best because of the operations I have had over the past three years so of course I am considered vulnerable. I guess I have that in common with many others.
     
    Lions are selling cakes and puddings in our local shopping centre and I am on the roster. I have been a Lion for over 20 years now having joined it to be Ray's driver after the strokes in 1999. Never thought I would have stayed in that long but it is something I can do to help not only my community but through the various Lions Foundations people all around the world. Sight First gives sight to the blind, other Foundations help people in times of natural disasters of many kinds. Lions is world wide organisation so gives my life another dimension. I am the editor of the Facebook page dedicated to the Lions Club of Killarney-Bateau and we have people from many countries following us now.
     
    I am over 70 and when I look back on my life it seems so trivial. I will never get a medal or get my name in the newspaper or any other honour but I have done what I could to help people, mine was not a life of note but a good life. And I have met some truly remarkable people along the way. I wish there could be a medal struck for all these wonderful people who are my heroes. No film star, famous person or well recognised strongman can compare to some of the ordinary everyday heroes I have met through the stroke journey. Our lives have made a difference whatever the world might think. Stroke survivors and caregivers you are all my personal heroes.
  25. swilkinson

    Family matters

    By swilkinson,


    Family
    I have been busy with family the past three weeks. I went up to Armidale for a little break and while I was there my daughter misstepped and ruptured the meniscus behind her right knee. Luckily the injury required rest not an operation, that meant no work, no driving, no more than  a few minutes on her feet. Her husband took care of her the first week then I came home and was asked to go  for a week to drive her daughter to school, take Shirley to doctors appointments, physio etc and do the shopping. Cooking  Naomi and I shared.
     
    I must admit that in a strange place I found the traffic overwhelming at rush hour. We lived in that area forty years ago but the old windy roads had been replaced by freeways  and six lane highways and just being in the right lane at the right time was a challenge. Poor Shirley said she felt like a driving instructor yelling :"Left lane Mum!" with me in the middle lane again. But we survived. Then at the next doctor's appointment he told her she still couldn't drive so I stayed a second week to help out. Luckily I had taken a lot of cold weather clothes as the days were cool and the nights were colder than here.
     
     
    As a reward Christopher came to me for a week. He is tall so he put up the Christmas lights, helped me sort out the tree decorations, putting the star on top etc. He helped move some pot plants and did some other small jobs too high for me to do. Since the last fall I am not allowed to climb ladders. He was on the last week of University studies but as it is all online could work from here as easily as from home. I used to mind him when he was small,  before he went to school and then the family moved to do training in the Salvation Army and I maybe saw him a couple of times a year when I visited them. I had hardly seen him the past six years so it was a happy time of catching up for me. He went home today.  
     
    The busy season is less busy than usual due to Covid restrictions but I still have some pleasant times ahead of the  Christmas season. Some of my friends have decided on small gathering and that is easier for me without the elaborate feasts that are usual it will be buy your own food in a nice restaurant. That for me means suitable foods rather than something someone else had ordered ahead of time that I can't eat. The Lions are just selling their cakes and puddings in our local shopping centre for three weeks instead of six so that is easier for me too, more time for me to catch up on housework, shopping etc..
     
    So next week is the start of Christmas card writing, catching up with my girlfriends and finding out what the pastoral care needs are in the church community. I feel as if I am out of touch with people, particularly my older friends who wait for me to contact them but it was a case of family comes first and mostly a happy time.  And it was a bonding time with my grandson.  Money can't buy that.
     
    There was a lot of talk between us involving Ray or Pa as Christopher called him. As the oldest grandchild he remembers more about Ray than the others. He remembers him before the bad strokes so as a more active person, remembers helping him out the back cooking BBQ etc. I am glad of that as when I have gone Ray will still be remembered. Especially it is important for the oldemr grandchildren to share their memories with Alice who was only three months old when Ray died.
     

    And so my life such as it is  goes on. The year winds down from now for us. The school holidays are only three weeks away. The party season starts for the young but is oldies tend to do meet and greets rather than partying now. And in this time when Covid is still an issue that is more appropriate. After all we want to still be here when all this is over