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Stroke Survivor - female
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Everything posted by bstockman

  1. Happy Anniversary bstockman!

  2. Happy Anniversary bstockman!

  3. bstockman

    Sue, just be gentle with yourself.. You are a "giver" but the time for YOU is now. If you don't want to be in a position to have to try to be Jolly.... the word NO not this time. Give yourslef time to grieve for Ray and your Mom.. You are nuber ONE right now. So if you feel like curling up in a blanket and just sitting ( oh I forgot ) its Summer there.. a walk on the beach, sitting on the veranda.. IT is time to do for SUE right now. Much Love and Many hugs Bonnie
  4. bstockman

    (((((((((((((((((((Sue)))))))))))))))))))))) sending huge hugs... In 1979 I lost my dad and husband 5 months apart... It is a rough road for sure. I am thankful you have such Family support. I know you will feel quite lost for awhile. Your days routine of taking care of Ray and visiting Mum filled up your life. I know through your faith you will make it through. Good days and bad days. Hoping the many Happy Memories you have will out shadow the bad days. I LOVE that you kept your Mum's special dress. Sending prayers for You and your family love and hugs
  5. bstockman

    One suggestion,, can you take a bedside (type) urinal. then if someone can take him for an extra trip they can use the urinal and just dump it. Extra pants and depends (of course you have already thougth of those). Have fun. the plans you are making ahead of time will surely make things easier. Best Wishes
  6. Sue,, sending hugs and Love you are in my thoughts and prayers
  7. bstockman

    (((((((((((((((Kimmie)))))))))))))) I am so sorry. You should not be embarrassed. It does sound like you and Matt should get your own place. Sometimes "tough" love is the best, if he has to be on his own and find his own place. You need to do what is best and safest for you. I know Matt cares for you with Love. I'm sure you and Matt have tried to talk with Marc about counseling, he may still have some un resolved issues or anger at losing his dad. All I can say is I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I hope things turn around for you all Soon. love n hugs, Bonnie
  8. bstockman

    Some thought on Grief

    Hi Everyone, I have not blogged for quite awhile. John passed away 6/28/11. The melanoma he had removed 7 yrs ago Came back Full force. He was diagnosed 4/27/11.... Little did I know when we walked out the door on the 27th... would be his last time walking out of the house. My stroke took a back burner, rarely even though about it. I am a 9 yr survivor, and a very Lucky one, my deficits are mainly those you can not see. My left side can be a bit clumsy and I have a slight limp. My impairments are mostly, memory, focus, etc the ones that do NOT show. I tried with the help of my daughter to keep his business going, but HE was the business. I closed it the end of April this yr. My doctors urged me to do so. I was under so much stress and went down to 101 lbs. I did not take the time to grieve for my Love. So once the business and stress was gone, the Grief hit hard. There is no way around grief, you have to go through it.. ALL of it. My daughter & husband moved in with me. Grandson moved in about 6 months ago. Daughter & husband got jobs over in Eastern Washington. about 4 hours away and through a mountain pass. so visit startin in late October thru Spring can be difficut and at time not possible. ( I do not want them coming over when it is dangerous.) Bill is now 19 he is 6fr6" seems to be hoding there for the last few yrs. He leaves at 6am and gets home at 6 pm. Sometimes I cook dinner, and if I don't feel like it I keep microwave meals, and things he can fix. My house is laid out perfect... On one end is a living room 2 bedrooms and full bath, then French Doors between the living and Family Room. with a master bedroom and bath. the dining room, kitcchen,lundry across the back. He is a typical 19yr old. We chat a few minutes, he always thanks me for dinner. and then off to his room.. I get hugs.. and love. and I know he appreciates being here. I do his laundry..LOL These things give me something to do, but the days can still be long and lonely. Especailly the weekends. The little things I miss, whiskers in the sink, toothpaste on the mirror. Just walking by the couch and ruffling Johns beautiful thick curly hair. the big Hug and smooch when he got home from work, Him telling me this dinner was his "favorite" and us laughing that everything was his "favorite." I do cook some now... and I know Bill is appreciative, but the JOY of making the meal is NOT there. Grief is different for everryone, and NO one "get's over it" The get over it or snap out of it. is VERY insulting. There is a HOLE in your heart, it is like part of you has been amputated. We have all gone through the challenge and grief from stroke, We are still here as challenging as that is sometimes. We can still fell the sun on our skin, we can still challenge ourselves for more recovery, even if it seems small Stroke is difficult and I wish it on NOONE, but it is a challenge we have hope we can work hard for more.. I Lost my Number 1 Cheerleader, the one who noticed the small improvement who encouraged me, I am where I am because of him.. Our 17 yr old cat passed away a few months ago. I still have one cat, the one John found at the human society, who looked so much like our first Calico, I had her when I met John.. she was 18 when we she crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I have the 5 dogs, Muggsy is now 16 he is a minature pinscher that John bought me, If I am crying he is the first to get on the bed and rub my face, give me kisses and lick my tears,, not long after the other 3 join me Romeo & Molly are from his only "litter" they are now 15. Molly has some heart disease, she is on a water pill, a heart pill and an allergy pill. She has also become blind. It was difficul to watch her bump into things, but she knows her way aroung the house. I try not to move anything. keeping the throw rugs in the same spot. I carry her down the stairs to the yard, but she can come up the stairs and into the house, I leave the sliding glass door open, and have a mat in front of the door, so she knows the textures and where to go. I also bought a small piece of astro turf for the deck, I had carpal tunnel surgery, I can hose off the astro turf. If she gets confused or needs help she lets out a high pitched yelped. Romeo also 15 is doing well Alyese out little toy fox terrier is now 13. she has 3 teeth and lost an eye last yr. but she is doing fine. Mindy our big 80 lb Australian shep/border collie is 9 she has a thyroid problem. and she is slowing down. My fur babies ( John called the our kids) are a reason to get up in the morning, I feel their love and the bond between John & I. I had kind of dropped out of the world for a bit, took time to grieve, and still miss him like crazy. Losing your spouse leaves a large void. I joined a grief group. we were a group of 9 and although the 6 week class is over, we have decided to have lunch and meet once a month. I have made some new Widow friends. friends who do not say he is in a "better place" or aren't you over it yet. Friends I can share crying times and happy memories. I am working one life as a "widow" I am still me and my sense of humor is returning I have NEVER forgotten my family here. I just had to step back and take care of ME for awhile. Love and Hugs to you ALL my other family.
  9. bstockman

    HI Sue, I'm glad you had a good weekend. I know how much life is so different now. Being a "widow" is a Lonely place and although you may want to talk to someone, ust reaching for the phone ... is sometimes overwhelming. I am also glad you joined the widow/widower site. Unless you have lost your spouse it is sometimes very difficlt to undertsand. Your routine is Gone, and now you are busy with all the paper work and things on this "new" journey" Going from WE to ME is quite difficult and lonely. If any of you are a widow or widower widowedvillag.org is a Wonderful site. It is so full of caring and understanding people ..just like here. There is so much support and understanding. Care Giving and being a stroke survivor is one challenge, but losing your Spouse is such another challenge... love and hugs my dear sweet lady, Bonnie
  10. bstockman

    There is no one to blame . you may have forgetten to pack his drink, but the teacher could have found something ... I am sure with all the excieted children and the Fair.. it was just not thought they he didn't . I am glad he is doing better now. Chldren are so resilient.. Hoping he will quickly regain the strength and some extra work outs. Sending HUGS to you and prayers for Cayden. I'm sure the teachers will make check lists and know more for the next outing. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
  11. bstockman

    Huge Congrats Grandma Jamie, what a doll...
  12. bstockman

    Sue, I just found out of Ray's passing. My sincere condolonces to you and Your Family. It will be a crazy, busy time for awhile. and time for the "reality" to sink in. I did find a widow site. widowedvillage.org Like here people from all over and even a few from Austrailia. It has reall been a savior to me to find people who understand ..loosing your spouse. it has great groups and Blogs also. I admire you so very much for your love and support.. You have devoted yourself to Ray and others. Please be gentle with yourself, take time to rest and take time to Grieve. A great Book : Widow To Widow can be ordered from Amazon. I am also going to a grief support group. Wrapping my arms around you in a long hug... I am here for you... usually e mail.. but you can let me know if you want to chat..... Ray fought long and hard and had your love all the way. May you find peace. Love you girl, Bonnie
  13. bstockman

    Happy Anniversary to you 2 Love birds. hope you had a GREAT day!! Bonnie
  14. bstockman


    Well 9 years as a survivor, I somettimes miss "what I used to have" but I am extremely grateful of what i do have.. I am much better off than many surviors in what I was able to regain. I miss John so much, I can't even begin to express it here. Without his support and "pushing" I am sure I woulld not have regained this much.. "The winde beneth my wings" was one of our favorite songs. July 28th was 13 months.... It was Saturday, and I had been reading on a "grief" site about some people getting tattioo's. John did not like tattoo's but I have a very small one. I got 30 yrs ago. Well I drove into town. to a Tattoo parlor ( some of the guys would come into the copy shop, and I know thy have been in business a long time) I had a small ring tattooed on my wedding ring finger. I have lost a lot of weight ..and my rings are very loose, Once they came off and I was in a panic , but knew I had not left the house.. I usually hang up the dish towel on th oven door handle, but for some reason I had laid it on the counter... and there they were. I wore them a little longer; but so afraid of losing them. the tat is a small red heart and on each side a swirl.. I did not realize until later. when you look at the swirl.it looks like an S. which is the first initial of our last name. The secon is on the inside of my left forearm ( so I can see it too) It s a cross, shaded with grey. It has a red heart, a ribbon/banner is cured around the cross the top ribbon says Bonnie and tthe bottom John, the banner is shaded with some blue.. During John's fight with cancer he would mentioned seeing a Beautiful Orange light, and would ask If I could see it. So behind the cross is an orange glow. Ii am not totally comfortable in my new life, He gave me confidence through the stroke, I felt safe and protected. I am a bit clumsy, but I mabage many things. I think I mentioned in my last long ramble that my daughter & her husband do live here, so I am not alone. They both work day shift.. and I have the honor of being the doorman for 7 dogs and 2 cats during the day. LOL We have 5 acres, but one of my daughterr's dogs has to be on a cable run.. she is young.. and has crossed the highway several time.. also has found an interrest in a couple of the neighbors chickens.... otherwise, I coulld just leave the doors open, I do when she is out on her cable run.. She has a long cabe and large area to run.. We are hoping some day when she settles down ( she is not quite 2) that she will stay on the property and not be such a gypsy. Since "the kids" work day shift I usually try to have dinner ready for them when they get home.. If I really don't feeli like cooking.. we just "wing " it.. Trying to find my new normal now as a stroke survivor and widow.. and some days it is one day at a time.
  15. bstockman

    Thanks Fred, your Blogs are always great to read... I have been up and down a few mountains as well.. those mountains do make us stronger. Along these paths we can meet some amazing people.
  16. bstockman

    Thank you all my "DEAR" friends.. Yes Asha, I did rean Jeans blog.. and she gave me the link to the widow site. It has been extremely helpful and making friends their also. I won't leave you all. but meeting some widow and widowers who are going through this think called Grief.. I am understanding and I think it is helping in acceptance. love to all Bonnie
  17. bstockman

    I am so Happy To hear this news. Since it was a pleasant get together, I'm sure there will be more. This is a start Juping for Joy for you
  18. bstockman

    Hi Everyone

    I am not "much" of a blogger. but I want to let people/friends know what has been happening in my life.. I had been on staff here for around 6 years I think. started as a chat host. So Last year I resigned, My husband had melanoma 7 years ago. He had it removed, and the surgeon was sure he had " removed all of it" John never missed his check up's. He was a Vet, so we went to Seattle a little over 80 miles south. In November he started to have some back pain. With his job and we have 5 acres at 63.. not unexpected to have back pain, so the Dr's were treating hi for back pain. It began getting much worse. He had a bone scan and MRI on 4/27/11. The melanoma had come back with a vengenace.. it was Everywhere. He spent a month at the VA hospital.. he had been transferred to another hospital for surgery where they removed some of his spine and put in a titnanum rod. John's daughter came up from Arizona; and since he was in a private room we could both stay with him. We could give each other breaks for meals, phone calls etc. She stayed a week. She is a teacher.. There they discovered he also had 12 lesions in his brain, it was in his liver, etc. I stayed at the hospital.. they have chairs that pull out in to beds.. and when they could.. we had the room and I could sleep in the other bed. I came home a few times to take care of his business. My daughter & sister in law kept me in clean clothes. My daughter came by twice a day to take care of our 5 dogs & 2 cats. At the time we also had 2 goats. John was transferred to Bellingham the end of May.. only 17 miles from our house. He was in a nursing home, for less than 48 hours.. they were horrible and the Hospice Nurse came in. I told her what was going on and within 2 hours he was transferred to Hospice House. Hospice House is Totally AMAZING they have 12 private rooms. Each room is set up with a day bed, and recliner for family to stay. they are not only set up for the patients.. but also the family.. with laundry. a family room, with a small kitchen area. Many times someone would have a crock pot of soup going for anyone to eat. People would bring in.. fruit platters, doughuts, cookies. Lori (John's daughter) came back up the week before Father's day and we both stayed in his room. My daughter & son in law were taking care of everything at home. I did come home for few hours sometimes. My daughter & son in law, were renting.. so after John passed they moved in with me. My sister in law who lives about 5 miles away took the goats, as they also have 5 acres. She had them several months, and then found a new home for them. It has been a "rough" year. I closed John's business May 1st. He owned a "Copy Shop" but also bought used machines, recondiioned them, sold them and had service contracs". John's tech had to have shoulder surgery.. about 6 months before John became sick. so he had a new.tech with out a lot of experience. Our outfront girl that ran the copy shop had taken Family leave in March as her mom had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and her dad had a traumatic brain injury and the mom had been his CG. I had all new employees, and no experience to purchase machines, etc.. My daughter was working in the shop, to help. So with so much stress etc. we closed it. The copy shop is still going.. an employee I had hired ( he is great) is buying it.. now I am home, not totally free of stress.LOL still winding down some things from the business. We had to bring home 6 years of paper work.. so my dining room is full of boxes. and we are still sorting things. having a few yard sales. I have also been diagnosed with neuropathy, and had carpal tunnel surgery on my right hand the end of June. the left needs to be done, but holding off until Fall. If you have read this .... Thank you, I know I have rambled, but it actually feels good to put this on "paper"
  19. bstockman

    Way to Go, I am so HAPPPY, especially that hi is initiating these thngs on his own.
  20. bstockman

    Hi Everyone, It is so great to hear from you all and I am delighted to meet some of the members who have joined, since I have been gone. I do not like to hear of someone having stroke, but as we all have learned, strokes have no boundries on age, etc. Leah I am so sorry to hear of your husbands passing, and all you have been through. I am so happy that MC put the bee in my "bonnet" to come back. It is not that I had not thought about everyone here, but more like with the business. and then I kind of "crawled" into a "hole" for awhile.. maybe I needed that time, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.. Thank you all for your Love and Support
  21. bstockman

    Donnie Wise

    it all started one june day in 1994 i got up to go to work an put on my clothes an left home for work i got there early i was usually the first one there so i punched the security code when i went in an went to my desk everything seem normal an i was a estimator for a concrete forming company so later that day we got a call for me to come look at some blueprints so we could bid on the job so i got in the company truck an took off over there an on the way back i needed gas so i stopped an pumped some an went inside an paid an came back out an got in the the truck an my left arm felt numb but i didn't know what it was so i went back to the office an left a little while later to go home an my wife called the office looking for me an when she found out i had left for the day she came home too an ask me what was wrong an i told her i didn't know for sure so she took me to a urgent care an the nurse ask me to do some things an then she said something has definitely happen but she wasn't sure what it was so i stayed out of work for the next few days an then my boss called an gave my wife a reference to a nero surgeon an we went to see him one evening an i had a cat scan an they found i had a schemic stroke so on the way home we stopped at mcdonalds an got us a burger but i dropped mine from trying to hold it in my left hand so my wife gave me hers an i thanked her for doing that an then we went on home an i continued to work in the following months but i hopped on my left leg a little bit an people noticed it but i had to carry on but it finally got to me an i had to quit i sure hated to i loved my job a lot but i did an then i got on disability after about five years trying to now i help around the home doing the dishes an washing a load of towels i don't drive or work but after my stroke i went to water therapy, physical therapy an even had had injections of botox but nothing seem to be helping so they put a internal therapy pump in my belly that has helped a lot but i hope one day to be able to do without it i don't get out very much at all just to go to my, dentist, doctor an get my pump refilled it's hard for me to walk in shoes for some reason so i walk in my sock feet around the house an it's hard to walk up or down hills but i am going to keep working on it an one day i will be able to do all the things i want to at least it didn't kill me by the grace of GOD an i know GOD heals an cures his people an i am sure one day soon i will be healed an cured an i want have this stroke anymore i now just help around the house while my wife works i guess i am one of the lucky ones that didn't die from their stroke an they say what don't kill you only makes you stronger ! Donnie passed away April 24, 2010
  22. bstockman

    Hi Everyone, I wanted to thank EVERYONE here, and to let you know I am retiring as Director of Stroke Support. I will still be here an pop into the forums and chats. StrokeNet has been and will remain a HUGE part of my life. I will never forget the day I stumbled upon this site. I shyl wrote my first ever post. I was warmly welcomed. I have learned so much and gained the strength and wisodom to fight and work for Recovery. I know without this site I would not be any where near where I am .. physically and emotionally today. You are all very Special and have a place in my hear and my prayers every night before I go to sleep. I want to Thank Everyone one on Staff for the great delight and pleasure of learning and working witht you. I want to Thank Steve for the honor and privalge of Volunteering here. Please feel free to contact me.. I will be on site and responding.. Thank You All for the Opportunity of being Your Friend, Bonnie
  23. bstockman

    I'm so Happy that Dan was so thoughtful, I know you are so proud. I'm sure Marc will come around, especially when Dan talks to him. I am so Happy for you, and wishing Andre' a speedy recovery for the Family dinner. best wishes to you dear friend, Bonnie
  24. bstockman

    Thank You All, I will print this out, and when I need a hug, I will read all the replies. You are all very special to me, My retirement is because I feel you all deserve the "best" we have wonderful volunteers here .. a terriffic staff. When I realized or felt, I just do not have the time to give right now, that you all deserve.. I know you are in Wonderful hands with the Staff of Volunteers. I will be around, checking in, posting and stopping into chats. Thanks to you all, I am where I am today, Bonnie