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Sandy, If you were looking for a little excitement, I'm sure this was not what you had in mind. I hope your clean up and getting back to normal is well under way. We had our septic system go and back up catastrophically so I feel for you nightmare. We ended up having to put in a whole new system, tis time with an alarm to sound before it backs up into the house. About 3 weeks ago the alarm went off in the middle of the night. With flashbacks the whole family bolted out of bd and ran to the main drain to see if we were already starting to drown in gray water. Luckily the alarm worked and we were good, so with the agreement that no one would flush or shower tilwe had it pumped, we called the septic company in the morning. It turned out to be the water from the leach field kept running back down into the tank causing the pump to burn out. We ended up needing a new pump because without it working, it would have ended up backing up into the house. So much for a newly engineered leach field for a gazillion dollars ~ that's next that needs to be looked in to and maybe ripped up again. Home sewage is fun, isn't it? Hope you're fairing well/ (((hugs))) Maria

Katrina, I've never been on birth control pills so I can't tell you their effects, but I can tell you for me, I am always more sensitive to the triggers and tended to get seizures when I had my period. It seems my resistance is down and I'm more sensitive to most things especially caffeine. Caffeine is always a big trigger, don't forget it's in the chocolate we crave too. Lack of sleep or changing your sleep pattern can put me out of sorts and more susceptible too. Don't forget your brain releases serotonin, which goes part and parcel with the whole hormonal menstrual thing so it involves your brain too. I try to be sure I pay attention to my sleep, caffeine, and all the triggers the week before I'm due because even with meds that control the seizures I still feel funky Keep a calendar and take good care of yourself. Love, Maria

Kelly, Don't confuse never having had to do it on your own with being a "princess". "Princesses" think they're entitled and expect everything, I seriously doubt that describes you! I think you're just scared because you never had to do it on your own and don't have the confidence. Even before my stroke when I got divorced I was terrified to have to be on my own. I went from living home, to getting married, then I got divorced with a 3 and 5 year old. I thought I'll never get out of the house on time to get them to the sitter and get to work on time, I'm too much of a screw up for this, this was a bad idea. My alternative was to go back to an abusive husband so I looked at is as I had no options ~ that made the difference. You would be amazed at what you can do when you have to. I knew if I didn't swim I'd sink because there was no net to catch me. I gained a lot of confidence, wished I had done it when I was younger because if i had I might had the independence to not have ended up in the bad marriage to begin with. I have confidence in you Kell, and am here for you. Don't worry you'll be okay honey. (((hugs))) Maria

Asha, It's great to see your years of worrying about Ashay are proving to be unnecessary. With such incredible role models we never had any doubt. When I was young and dating, my father would tell mr to pay close attention to how a guy treated his mother as well as how his father did because it was the true indication of how much respect he had for women and the real way he'd treat me, not what he wanted me to think. Ashay's behavior is a clear reflection of the value your husband has for your feelings, safety, and well being. You are very blessed. He will be a man of character like your husband, with a warm, kind heart like you. (((hugs))) Maria

Katrina, I read it all. I'm sorry you ran ragged for nothing, but you did make some headway at least. I really feel for you, I lived in seizure solution hell for a long, long time. after being on a laundry list of medications and the nightmares of their side effects. They finally resolved that my myoclonic seizures to be stroke induced epilepsy and put me on topiramate (Topamax). The drug was really intended for migraines but found to be effective for seizures too, so at the guinea pig stage I was, my doctor said could it hurt to try since the side effects are minimal. Pretty cool, I've been seizure free for 5 out of 9 years. I had a mix of them all too at different times. The good news is, this is an easier fix than our hand and stuff like that,. The neurologist will figure it out, give you something to manage it once and for all, and it will be done. (((hugs))), Maria

Honey, I lived with panic attacks for years before my stroke. The way I tried to manage them was to rationalize that as long as I wasn't driving, What was the worst that could happen to me? I'd black out? I actually learned meditation after a while so I knew I didn't need to live in fear of them because I knew how to calm myself down. ~ Post stroke I don't get anxiety attacks. I still find mediation extremely calming, however, post stroke found it very difficult to do. Things like neurosensitivity and spasticity keep you in much too of a state of heightened awareness. I also know before I seize I fel like I'm having one of those dreams where you're trying to run away from something and your legs won't work, or yell and nothing comes out. Not much you can do about it either way for now and worrying won't make it stop or fix it. The doctor will have the answer and tend to it. You are with your dad so you are safe. We love you so be sure to let us know how you make out. Love, Maria xoxoxo

Asha, It's so good to see you appreciate how far you've come enough to have the confidence to say you are proud of yourself. Coming to the realization that you still can find a sense of pride in yourself after the long, hard road of learning to do things differently is a true accomplishment. It 's not easy not to become discouraged and give up along the way. The fact that you kept chugging along, persevered, and can say Look at me I'm proud I can do things! is huge. We are very proud of you too. You are one of our best success stories. Love, Maria

Asha, Try not to anticipate the worst. At the end of August I gave Michael and all his fellow new freshman friends who were leaving my speech about staying focused, doing well, kissed them goodbye and told them I'd see them at Thanksgiving. Two weeks later I found them eating me out of house and home as usual in my kitchen. When I asked what they were doing there, the response I got was that there was a strategy to picking a school that was only an hour or so away so you can come home when you get hungry or homesick because you miss your mother. I almost had to laugh because I knew how honest they were being. I spent a lot of the summer listening to their fears about having to go away. They knew if they couldn't do it, it meant a lot of money down the drain for their parents. My son grappled with the same thing, but he knows as independent as he is, he doesn't make it sleeping by a friend's house without driving home in the middle of the night because he's hungry. He also knows he doesn't like a lot of noise, so if the party isn't over when he's ready to crash and it's his dorm, there's no I'm getting out of here to the safe quiet of home. My son's school didn't allow freshman to have cars so after he felt miserably stranded at Prom party weekend in Wildwood when he wanted out and had to wait 2 hours for us to go get him. That seemed to be the big eye opener for him. He was very annoyed that everyone was rowdy and obnoxious. I said little boy, what do you think college is going to be like? Kids your age just like this who will drink, can't handle it and get rowdy and obnoxious. You won't have a car just like this, so take in to consideration we won't taxi you back and forth because you don't want to spend weekends in the dorm. Michael thought about it and knew he'd be gambling 60k in tuition for something that really wasn't for him. He instead chose to stay home and go to school locally so there would be no room and board. My older son did the same thing, but he knew right off the bat it wouldn't be for him. He's a junior at Rutger's, his commute is pnly 30 minutes. He and Mike will go back sometimes at night if there is something going on or a party, but they can decide when it's over for them and just come home. Don't underestimate Ashay's ability to make decisions, choices, or find a good fit for what is right for him. As parents it is often hard to let go of thinking we know what is best for them, being protective, and letting them think for themselves. He's a smart young man who may surprise you with what his thoughts are about going away. Don't be afraid to ask. Love, Maria

Katrina, Your tenacity has taken you so far. As you now move to independence and building your career, you are sure to discover just how amazing you are! Receiving awards and accolades can not even begin to compare to what self discovery will do for your self esteem and confidence. Don't be shy or afraid to blog about how proud you are of yourself or amazing you think you are. We all know it and have been waiting for years for you see it for yourself. Love, Maria

WOW! You made me cry!!!!!! What I just read was maybe all my hard work was worth it because I'm proud of who I am just as I am. Instead of looking to God to fix me, just maybe I'm not so broken if I look to Him for how I can be instrumental to do His work. Just like that you're not broken and searching, but have been found and given purpose and direction. He works in mysterious ways and always heard your prayers. God bless you sweetheart. Love, Maria

Rico, You don't have to wait to find someone else out there who doesn't know about this website to tell to give comfort to. You have plenty here to offer help and a hug to just by answering a post and saying...You're not alone, I know how you feel. If that's all you have right now, please don't underestimate the power of letting someone else know there's someone in the same spot as they are. We didn't all start out like this you know. We started just like you, very confused, depressed, and thinking we weren't ever going to see a better day. Those of us who are responding are pretty far along and it took us a long time to get here, and you will too. We can't get people to reach out and say please help me I can't do this alone. The fact that you have the courage to reach out is HUGE. Prayers & (((((hugs)))))) Maria

Leese, It's really more about control. If we look for blame for what happened to us and feel it could have been prevented had we known, we blame ourselves. We then continue to look for ways to undo what has happened with often methods that make as little sense as the event itself, but still allowing for a sense of control over our destiny. ~ This is most often felt by those who feel cheated because they believe they didn't deserve what happened. Of on the other hand, when we accept that things just happen and we don't control whether or not they do based on if we deserved it, we're free to be happy, even disabled by stroke. We then have the freedom and positive attitude to work to move forward in recovery and life instead of remaining stuck in a dead end self-pity place going nowhere. It will take time, but she'll eventually learn that there's nothing she can do to undo it. Maybe start by helping her see strokes just happen and devoting time to undoing it is just giving up more of her life to it. Thanks for kicking your soapbox in my direction. (((((hugs)))))) Maria

Yolie, I know nothing sounds worse than brain surgery and the prospect of someone picking around in the brain. Please know though that from those of us who have gone through it, of which I am one. Based on experience I assure you neurosurgeons are the best the medical field has to offer because performance at that level only allows for the absolute best of the best. Taylor will be in very highly skilled hands and moving on with childhood in no time. Of course most importantly Taylor will be in my prayers. Love, Maria

Fred, Somehow I get a very strong sense that you were a survivor long before your stroke. Survivors realize and accept that sometimes bad things happen in life and seeing themselves as victims only causes them to surrender their life and happiness to the event. Your positive and upbeat attitude about life is inspirational and a prime example of the difference between a victim and a survivor. Maria

Dyan, It's much more labor intensive for us to use our affected side. As adults we know we must get things done and tend to push through despite that it is not easy. Children, being children, take the path of least resistance. Given the option to do homework without some consequence or reinforcement, kids will likely do nothing. When he's Cayden is rested and it is easy, he may be more willing to use it. When he is tired anf it becomes a chore it is easier to just let it go. As he gets older and more determined to remain actively involved, the more he'll likely fight through to use it. ((((((hugs))))) Maria

Pumpkin, I kind of think of chasing acceptance like some people chase happiness. Some people spend so much energy trying to find happiness, they sadly don't realize if they just stop and enjoy life, they may just be happy. Early on in my recovery I had a very hard time accepting what the stroke had done to me and I was determined to be who I was before it happened. I spent a ridiculous amount of energy refusing to change anything about the way I was because I was determined that if I worked hard enough I could be tougher than the stroke and be back to the way I was before. I'd have good days when I was all charged up and raring to go and others when I hit the wall when the reality of the unchangeable hit. After countless days of tears, frustration, and angst I looked in the mirror and realized all I was doing was the same as chasing happiness. One day I would look and there would be nothing but an old lady looking back at me. I made a choice. I could waste my life chasing something I finally realized I couldn't change, or accept who I am and focus my energies on improving who I am now and enjoy life. There will still be an old lady looking back at me, but at least to have gotten there she'll have lived. ((((((hugs))))))) Maria

Katrina, The first question I was asked when I asked for an objective opinion on this was, Why would it go to the medical review board? It's not as though she had a seizure or it was a result of her stroke. Even if she had failed to signal or misjudged and it was her fault, she has her license like everyone else now. People make mistakes all the time, are at fault, and no one reviews them medically to review their licenses. There is no reason why it should be done to her. Try not to worry honey. You are assuming that it will immediately be attributed to your stroke, instead of maybe jut that you're not a very experienced driver, he was in your blind spot, oops you screwed up. Try to calm down a bit and give yourself a break. Even if it is deterined that you were at fault keep in mind, this is why pencils come with erasers. You want so badly to be normal honey, learn to accept that "normal" people screw up all the time. Having had a stroke as a child, you never really had a chance to see how imperfect most people really are. I know it must be difficult to have grown up only trying to determine how you measure up through the eyes of your deficits. I guess to some degree it hasn't helped that it each of your accomplishments seems to have...and she's a stroke survivor attached to it like Wow that's what made it such an achievement. Truthfully, what an injustice to you personally. Each alone would be a huge accomplishment even without the stroke thing. Most "normal" kids never achieve those goals because they screw up along the way by not staying focused long enough, keeping their priorities straight, etc. The fact that you were able to in spite of your stroke makes it all the more amazing. Had you not it would not have meant you were broken, just another kid. With your accident now you may just need to realize that you are just another adult, not broken just normal. Love you, Maria :mwah:

Katrina, Such doom and gloom. Stop for a minute honey. As Ruth said...You didn't even really say if the accident was your fault. It seems that you are anticipating bad things to attribute to the fallout of your stroke. Things happen anyway honey, and would even if you'd never had a stroke. Did you stop and consider that the ninny driving the Hummer may have not been all too experienced with it? Things in life just happen. It's all part of growing up and most times really have nothing to do with your stroke. The trials and tribulations you've been through.... two faced best girlfriends, heartbreak of a first love, trying to find a place to fit in are things you would have gone through growing up as a teenager anyway even if you had not had stroke. The stroke only made it harder for you because it made you feel that much more different. Think of it this way: You were actually better than the average girl because you made it through with the added challenges when all they had was basic insecurity. This is just like that, just par for the course. It happens, not caused by the stroke. It's great that your experiences have molded you in to a responsible adult, but you only need to take responsibility for what YOU actually create now by your decisions. If you had gotten in to the accident because you had made a poor decision by driving under the influence then it would be your responsibility to own up to. Other than things you bring on yourself, stuff just sometimes happens that you have no control over. If you let things that effect you that you aren't really responsible for it will only make you angry and bitter ~ you're too pretty for angry and bitter. Can't blame God or yourself because you know you don't deserve it. Maybe try to accept that bad things sometimes happen just because they do, and pray that God continues to keep you safe and gives you the peace of mind to understand His will. Love you, Maria :mwah: