merichsen

Betsy,

I'm going to disagree with your statement no one knows what it is like.  While that is true of those who have not had this happen to them, it is not of those who have had a stroke.  Here we very well know the feeling of wanting so badly to get better, back to some semblance of normal, and not feel like a burden to ourselves along with everyone else.  The frustration of that not happening very timely is something we also know all too well.  I remember trying to have people understand by likening it to a case of the flu you just can't fully shake and pull yourself out from under but that wasn't it.

i'm sorry but a box of chocolates, container of ice cream, or huge shopping spree doesn't make this feel any better.  The only thing that does is time and the best way to help it along is for you to make a choice.  You can choose to frustrate yourself and make yourself unhappy trying to rush things you can't change and make yourself happy, or you can learn to accept what you cannot change with the help of your friends here, and learn to find joy in what you may need to do differently and accomplish.   

Mike,

I am so so sorry for your loss. Bernadette was a very blessed lady to have been treasured and so well cared for by a man she loved and treasured too. Take solace knowing she is now an angel who now watches over you awaiting the time when your souls will be joined again for eternity.

Prayers to you and your family.

Warmest(((hugs)))

Maria

Miss Katrina,

True It's All in Your Head, but everything in your head is not necessarily within your control. What I meant by having too much time on your hands to think and anxiety attacks had more to do with getting yourself worked up over going for a test, than the reality of being afraid you may have another seizure.

I have full blown seizures too and know that fear of not knowing when one may hit to the point where you're not sure if you are imagining the onset or they are real. That kind of keeping yourself under a microscope to evaluate and wait and see what happens is very nerve wracking and gave me panic attacks too. I found that no matter how busy I was, the slightest nuance or sensation refocused me back to my fear. After a while what I realized was the panic attacks began to mimic the onset symptoms and I was creating my own monster too.

I then decided that if I didn't get control of it the fear would control everything I did and eventually become more crippling than the stroke itself, so I rationalized it.

I put in my head things that made sense to me like: As long as I took my seizure med I wouldn't have one, or at least not a full blown one, since they slow down what fires in my brain to cause them; if I was going to be out alone I always had ID, so the worst case scenario had my family contacted by medics. It made more sense to me that I wasn't going to die, and in reality might just end upon the ground with a booboo or two. Mostly I trusted God to keep me safe.

Best of luck with your EEG. Have lots of fun running through the rooms and decorating your super-sized apartment.

We will need pictures ya know Chicklet!

Love you,

Maria

Honey,

I don't remember you having panic attacks when you were buried in books worrying about keeping up your grades to maintain your scholarship. You handled the pressure better than most kids would have at your age. Need a reminder of how strong you are? Take a look at the video clip of your graduation.

I don't need a reminder. I'm still amazed by you and the accomplished, determined lady I watched you grow into.

You seem to have a bit too much time on your hands with all that energy to think and overthink, find a better way to expend it read, get engrossed in a cause, go back to school. Dr., sounds better than Honey, doesn't it?

Love you,

Maria

Fred,

You're not hanging on to some notion that you're still sane are ya? They say blissful ignorance keeps crazies happy.

I won't tell you if you don't tell me.

They made my day, thanks!

Maria

Good to see you're smiling and feeling good.

Enjoy getting out and about in the nice weather!

Maria

Very cool Sweetheart!! Sounds like he knows your medical history, what he's doing, and what's best for you. I'm very happy for you. I hope this gives you some well deserved peace of mind.

Keep smiling honey, all good things are coming.

Love ya,

Maria

xoxo

Jeri,

So great to see you blogging! Lots of us have difficulty with letting go of our perfectionism after stroke. We'll be happy to share with what worked for us so you can help dad adjust too. In time he will learn to establish what is perfect for him based on his abilities now by accepting and seeing himself through his own eyes now and who he was and the eyes of others. It will be a process getting him there, but we're here to help you along the way.

Maria

Thanks Brice for getting her started. We are looking forward to Denise blogging with us.

Just like that Honey, an answer without even looking.

Keep in mind that nightmares are dreams too, they're just not good ones.

May all turn out to have a silver lining down the road.

Keep smiling ~ It's all good.

love & kisses,

Maria

Tempii,

You're absolutely right there's absolutely right, there's nothing mild about having your brain damaged by a lack of oxygen in any way.

Unfortunately they measure us all the same and we're not. To say we're cognitively in tact doesn't take in to account that some of us were much higher level before and may not be able to function at that level effectively again. When I was in cognitive rehab they couldn't figure out what to do with me because the basic stuff was not challenging enough so they gave me LSAT practice testing materials to do. When I complained that it was just busy work and pointless, one of the therapists came up with that it might help me to plan for and teach the class since I was a teacher. When the director got wind of it, she flagged it because I wasn't a therapist so it was illegal. At that point I was discharged from therapy because it was determined I didn't need cognitive remediation and there was nothing they could do for me.

Like you I knew there still a fog there and something wasn't right, so I thought I'll put myself to the test and look for what they're not. I taught a few of my classes with what I know like the back of my hand and this is what I learned. What I could not do was continue to steer the focus of the class when questions were thrown at me. That required me to think quick, take their question incorporate it, and remain on point. I teach Lit so if I wasn't strong enough up there to multitask and lead the discussion, we'd be talking about pop news in no time.

I do fine as long as I can sit and concentrate on one thing , thinking on your feet is way different and that I just can't do anymore.

It's all still very new, it does get better.

(((((hugs))))

Maria

Katrina,

I'm not going to lecture you about God, this is not nor is it my place, but I will tell you what I tell my son when he asks how I my faith can still be so strong when I am like this.

I tell him What he's asking is If I believe in God why don't I just ask Him to fix me and why did He do this to me? I explain to him first that I don't challenge to do things for me like making me better to prove Himself because if I did I'd be no different than yelling to Christ on the cross to prove who He said He was by saving Himself. I then explain by the same token my thought is if Christ didn't ask for special treatment with spikes driven through his hand and feet, what makes me think a pissant like me is entitled to request it? I try to have him see the problem he has is the concept he wants to have of God is one that will serve him, not the other way around. My advice to him is that he needs to humbled so he should go to church and ask how he can assist the elderly, do volunteer work with less fortunate because that's how God will find him.

I also tell him, it's not like I'm a martyr and never ask for anything. I just don't think I'm smarter or know best, so I make requests like this ~ I need help, can You do whatever You need to. That part takes faith to have trust.

I don't know but I very clearly remember as I was seizing on the bathroom floor the night my aneurysm burst thinking I was going to die saying, God, I'm dying here, I don't know what Your plan is, but I could really use help, I'll leave my life in Your hands. Miraculously, I survived a ruptured aneurysm and am around to answer questions for my son, give lectures that aren't really lectures and tell you I believe God does love you and so do I honey.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

You're a good egg sweetie, keep chuggin along, it will get better.

Maria

xoxo

Lenny,

I'm with ya! Even though it's only spring training, there's nothing like the sound of the crack of the bat after a long cold winter.

I'm a native New Yorker and even though I think they stamp the Yankee logo on our birth certificates, it was very, very cool to see the Red Sox win the series. Guess we'll just have to wait and see if they can do it again.

I'm staying with looking at things positively for you pumpkin. Before jumping to conclusions, it may just have been a nightmare you were having and don't remember because you were in a deep sleep. Having your dad and brother come in to check may have just been enough to rouse you and wake you from it.

Best of luck when you go to the doctor next week. I'll keep you in my prayers that you get a definitive answer so you no longer are stressed and anxious.

Love ya,

Maria

Tina,

Kudos to you for jumping in and starting blog! You will enjoy being a part of the blog community, another great thing to do here.

You are so right being here is therapeutic for your soul, I'm glad you have been blessed to see that.

(((hugs)))

Maria

Hey Chicklet,

Let's see since you were in that hospital you graduated college with honors, got your masters, an impressive internship, your own apartment, and evolved into a beautiful independent young woman.

Hate to disagree but I'd say you came just a teensy bit further than being able to take a lap or 2 around the place.

It's surprising you're not running the place.

Smooches,

Maria

Katrina,

Very, very cool you talked yourself down. Not the end of the world about your gym membership, that you can always sign up for again.

Keep thinking those positive thoughts, you'll just thinking them naturally without having to do it purposely after a while.

Smooch,

Maria

Katrina,

I'm sorry you're disappointed that you didn't get more definitive answers, I don't blame you, I would have been too.

I think part of the problem is this doctor is trying to give a quick fix to a problem that he really doesn't know enough about and isn't his area of expertise. Psychotherapy sometimes takes years of sessions with a patient to determine the root of the problem, let alone to treat, throw in neurological problems and seizures and I'd have a hard time believing Freud could solve it in a half hour. Aside from pulling out the DSM, writing out a prescription without consulting your neurologist really scares the life out of me abut this quack and it sounds like you too.

Neuropsychiatrists specifically treat those of us with brain injuries because their expertise is in both fields, much like the specialists in ophthalmology we need.

Please see someone who specializes or check with your doctor before you take anything prescribed by this guy.

Love,

Maria

Sandy,

From another Pollyanna ~ My outlook was always barring your health anything that happens is only a period of time from looking back on and thinking what a pain it was to go through so nothing was really a big deal. That mindset literally cost me an arm and a leg to prove how true it was.

I don't think I tempted fate and had a stroke by thinking that way. Stuff just happens. Even my stroke and how debilitating it initially was is more of a distant memory and less of a big deal than when it first happened, so even that got better.

It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel even for us Pollys because when you're in the muck it looks like an oncoming train.

A year from now you'll be all cleaned up, put back together, and may be even thining it turned out pretty cool that you got some new stuff out of it.

Hang in, it's not a train.

((((hugs))))

Maria

Katrina,

Living life positively is a choice which takes ongoing work. We often become complacent when things are going well and don't take action to avert the consequences of the easy ride. The power is always within you to change things that you don't like.

It isn't usually easy and takes us out of our comfort zone, but is worth the effort. If you really want to get your own apartment, God needs a little help like you going out to look for a job so He has a prayer to answer. He can't bring a job to your door, you need to take the first step to a positive change.

Don't let others' problems become your problems, you have enough to handle. Reestablishing your independence as a grown woman will help you clearly be able to distinguish your own challenges so you can address, handle them, and enjoy your life.

You're amazing, never underestimate yourself, or forget that!

Love,

Maria

Cindy,

My condolences on the loss of your mother. I will gladly keep your children's grandfather and them in my prayers.

(((hugs)))

Maria

Sandy,

If you were looking for a little excitement, I'm sure this was not what you had in mind. I hope your clean up and getting back to normal is well under way.

We had our septic system go and back up catastrophically so I feel for you nightmare. We ended up having to put in a whole new system, tis time with an alarm to sound before it backs up into the house. About 3 weeks ago the alarm went off in the middle of the night. With flashbacks the whole family bolted out of bd and ran to the main drain to see if we were already starting to drown in gray water. Luckily the alarm worked and we were good, so with the agreement that no one would flush or shower tilwe had it pumped, we called the septic company in the morning. It turned out to be the water from the leach field kept running back down into the tank causing the pump to burn out. We ended up needing a new pump because without it working, it would have ended up backing up into the house. So much for a newly engineered leach field for a gazillion dollars ~ that's next that needs to be looked in to and maybe ripped up again.

Home sewage is fun, isn't it?

Hope you're fairing well/

(((hugs)))

Maria

Katrina,

I've never been on birth control pills so I can't tell you their effects, but I can tell you for me, I am always more sensitive to the triggers and tended to get seizures when I had my period. It seems my resistance is down and I'm more sensitive to most things especially caffeine. Caffeine is always a big trigger, don't forget it's in the chocolate we crave too. Lack of sleep or changing your sleep pattern can put me out of sorts and more susceptible too. Don't forget your brain releases serotonin, which goes part and parcel with the whole hormonal menstrual thing so it involves your brain too. I try to be sure I pay attention to my sleep, caffeine, and all the triggers the week before I'm due because even with meds that control the seizures I still feel funky

Keep a calendar and take good care of yourself.

Love,

Maria

Kelly,

Don't confuse never having had to do it on your own with being a "princess". "Princesses" think they're entitled and expect everything, I seriously doubt that describes you!

I think you're just scared because you never had to do it on your own and don't have the confidence. Even before my stroke when I got divorced I was terrified to have to be on my own. I went from living home, to getting married, then I got divorced with a 3 and 5 year old. I thought I'll never get out of the house on time to get them to the sitter and get to work on time, I'm too much of a screw up for this, this was a bad idea. My alternative was to go back to an abusive husband so I looked at is as I had no options ~ that made the difference.

You would be amazed at what you can do when you have to. I knew if I didn't swim I'd sink because there was no net to catch me. I gained a lot of confidence, wished I had done it when I was younger because if i had I might had the independence to not have ended up in the bad marriage to begin with.

I have confidence in you Kell, and am here for you.

Don't worry you'll be okay honey.

(((hugs)))

Maria

Asha,

It's great to see your years of worrying about Ashay are proving to be unnecessary. With such incredible role models we never had any doubt.

When I was young and dating, my father would tell mr to pay close attention to how a guy treated his mother as well as how his father did because it was the true indication of how much respect he had for women and the real way he'd treat me, not what he wanted me to think.

Ashay's behavior is a clear reflection of the value your husband has for your feelings, safety, and well being. You are very blessed.

He will be a man of character like your husband, with a warm, kind heart like you.

(((hugs)))

Maria