DaddyzGurl

Carol, Thanks for your reply, as well as thanks to all others who have replied. I guess I needed to vent, and you guys were here for me. Ten million eleventy billion thanks - sounds like a lot but it doesn't quite seem like enough... You guys have all managed to refocus my line of thinking, which is a GOOD thing. I am now very understanding of the situation and mom. It is all good, and again, you guys are WONDERFUL.. every one of you! Love, Cathy

June, Thanks for understanding my situation and offering your best wishes. It really helped to calm me down a lot just reading them; I didn't feel totally alone. Annie, Well you have done it again lady! You have given me some excellent points to ponder! Your advice and suggestions are invaluable to all of us here, I hope you NEVER stop posting!! I appreciate your sharing both sides of the situation that you were on. That really helped. Some of it was not easy to "hear," but I know I needed to hear it, so "I was open for suggstions." I did make my post relatively short (if any could imagine that!), and left out quite a bit about dad. One thing I didn't mention is that dad is basically 100% bedridden. It is not likely that he can do these activities in the SNF, but just the same, I understand what you were telling me. Thanks. As for pinning our life in Montana: I personally haven't really felt homesick "all" of the time that I've been out here, but I know my husband loves, misses and dreams about that state. He never stops talking about it, or the folks out there. He calls at least 2x each month. My personal opinion is I absolutely HATE New Jersey which is where we are. But I am making the best of living out here. I so hate it though. Oh well, some things take priority I suppose. Jean, Thanks for YOUR thoughts as well. I especially needed to hear what you said about my mom being "probably near a mental and physical breakdown." That idea had never crossed my mind, thanks for putting it out there in front of me! I will do my best to keep dad happy and let mom have the time she needs for herself. I will also remember that: mom has likely: "reached her very human physical and mental limitations and can't keep up the superwoman wife pace that she's been for the past 10 1/2 months." Those two thoughts were very much appreciated, thanks! Sarah: Thanks for your thoughts, too. You hit the nail on the head when you told of your experience, (paraphrased): "I was operating on exhaustion levels." I have wondered for months how mom has been able to do all this, physically, and handle and process these things, mentally. All three of you have just given me the answer. I really appreciate hearing it, thanks! EDIT: Now, if any of you might be able to direct me to where I might go to find out about having a "wheelchair lift" installed in our home, that would be just absolutely wonderful. It really does something to me to see my mom hobbling around the house and up the stairs when I have no clue HOW to help her. My husband said that if we went with the "elevator lift," I likely would have to get a building permit to have that installed because I will be changing the existing building. Mom does not want the stair lift for herself because she figures dad will not be able to use it. Any ideas? lisas, Sorry, did not see your post until I already posted my reply. Hey, thanks for your response! I will definately give mom some much needed space! You make a good point about staring at those same 4 walls each day.

G'morning everyone, (apologies in advance, this will be long, sorry!) Please post responses or PM me. I really could use the support! Thanks. Just this week it looks like Mom is "moving on" with her life and leaving dad behind. It is upsetting to me. For months, she would go to the Nursing Home and stay for 7 7.5 hours to make sure everything was going OK.. dad was being changed, turned, fed properly, remained elevated for the required length of time after eating, there was NO abuse... Everything. My husband, I, neighbors, and other residents at the Nursing Home tried our best to encourage mom to take a day off, or at least not stay as long, but she would NOT hear of it. I was worried that she was running herself into the ground and that she would not be any help to dad. Last week she developed "flu like" symptoms. Certainly I was concerned for her, and told her to GET OFF THE MAT ON THE FLOOR that she's been sleeping on. Yes, for 10.5 months, my mother has refused to sleep in the bed without my dad there. So she began sleeping on a 4" mat on the floor. I begged and begged her to get off the floor but she would not listen to me OR my husband. She insisted she was going to sleep there. Which she did, herniated disc, and all. Now she is hobbling up and down the steps and can barely walk herself. I will likely have to get some sort of device installed in the house as she cannot make the 16steps to the second floor of the house without stopping for a "break" after 3 or 4 steps. . . Ok, ANYWAY - back to my dad. . . Since she took that day off, and I DID managed to get her off the floor and into a BED (she is 71.5 years old!), she has begun to RAPIDLY show little interest in going to the Nursing Home to see dad. On Thanksgiving Day, dad was permitted to come home for a few hours and eat REAL food! He is now going to be put on a diet of "regular" food instead of pureed food. Looking back, it seems she didn't want to be too bothered with him coming home. She asked me if I would ride in the ambulance with him because it was raining that day; and she didn't want to take a chance and go out in the rain for fear of catching pneumonia. I understood perfectly well, and was more than happy to ride with dad that day. Before he left that night, she told dad: "if it's NOT raining tomorrow, I'll be in to see you." She didn't kiss him goodbye, which I thought was "odd," at the time, and looking back, even MORE odd. The next day it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, it was gorgeous. She told me: "I don't FEEL like going to the Nursing Home today." That bothered me when I heard it but I figured she had over done herself staying so long, so I let it go. She went that day anyway, she stayed about 3 hours. Yesterday was another sunny day. Mom went again and came back in 3.5 hours. I was suprised she had come home so soon. When I asked, she "snapped" at me and told me my dad was upset she was leaving so early too. That was pretty much all I needed to hear.. knowing that my dad was unhappy REALLY upset me. I told her, "maybe you should have stayed shorter hours each day or taken a day off from time to time so it wouldn't feel like you're shorter visits now are so noticeable and 'cold turkey' to dad. She got angry at me for mentioning that. Her retort to me was: "I've been doing this for the past 10.5 months.. and I"m tired - I can't keep doing this everyday." That's all fine and good and I DO empathize with her on that point. However; unfortunately for her, she's overlooking one 'small' detail... "I" too have been doing this and not only that, both my husband and I have left our home in Montana - packed everything up and moved back East to help out. Sure, it's fine that she wants to give things a rest, but it feels like since she has "us" here, she really doesn't HAVE to bother with her husband. THAT saddens me. To know my dad feels alone like this in a lonely Nursing Home is a pain like no other to me. My husband and I go only at night (after he's done working), because I am not able to drive myself due to medical situations. However, when I heard that my dad was so upset that she left early, I was tempted to drive there myself in dad's old car without a license. It REALLY bothered and upset me. I also feel that when dad is TRYING to talk, mom doesn't try hard enough to listen. She keeps telling dad "my ears are ringing you have to talk louder," OR "wait until Cathy gets here and tell her." My dad stops talking and doesn't say anything after that. Usually when I get there at night, we have a good time, lauging and talking. Last night he was pretty quiet. And I had a good idea why. Yes, that bothered me too. Is one year about the average length of time that most folks "wait" to see if their loved one will make any sort of improvement; or an improvement to their satisfaction? I'm really getting the feeling that she is "giving up" on dad now. In fact, my husband had the same opinion. He said: "your mom has decided to 'move on' with her life." Is he right? What have others done in this situation? Basically my husband and I put our ENTIRE lives on hold to come back here for what we thought was "to help," but are now feeling like it's "to care for entirely." Opinions, PLEEEZE!