charmin

I too like Tina am one that has posted posts about verbal abuse. Like Tina I know in my heart that this is not Steed. He was very loving before the stroke. Do I believe it is abuse? To a degree yes, but my question remains is it abuse if they don't do it intentionaly? I know in my heart that Steed loves me and like I would be if I lost him, he would be lost with out me. I have posted many posts upset about my treatment and yes I do wish it would end, I do wish he would stop yelling at me and saying the things he does. But would I leave him at this point no, he has noone else and like wise I have no one else. I do vent on this site because I feel comfortable talking about what is going, everyone else in my life does not understand. They all think abuse is abuse and I should just leave him. They don't understand that I love him, I truly love him with my whole soul. How do you just walk away from that? Sometimes it does get really bad and I don't know how much more I can take, but it always seems different in the morning. I know he is sorry for all he says and he would change it if he could but right now he can't. His stroke affected the emotion part of the brain, and it kills me to watch him go through this. Even when he is yelling and being verbally abusive it breaks my heart because I know that is not him. Anyway I am sorry if I upset anyone with my posts, but sometimes I need to just get things out with people I think do not judge. Andi

First I want to say Robyn I am so sorry to hear about you and Jane I feel your pain so much. Ann you words really made sence to me, I never really thought about the idea that he can not understand all he does. It just hurts so much, I feel everytime he does this a little more of me dies, you can only hear how awful you are before you start believing it. I know he feels bad when he does it, because he always apologizes for it, but I don't know if that makes it exceptable. I am trying to take care of myself and my boys I know they feel it. I know my oldest hears me crying at night and he tries so much to make things a little easier on me. I wish I had the choice to walk away but I don't. Love is a very powerful emotion one that makes you put up with so much. I can't leave him no matter what he does, I just wish he would get help, but he will not go and see anyone and I am still worried if he doesn't I will lose him. I am trying to not take it all so personally but it does get hard when you hear at least once a week, some times more, that you have ruined his life, that if it wasnt' for you he would have had a chance to be happy. This stroke is taking so many of the good memories away, and I hate that because I have told Steed so many times he has replaced so many of my bad memories of growing up with some of the most amazing memories and I don't want those taken away. I do love Steed now and forever no matter what, so for now I am stuck because I can not just walk away so I guess I just have to take it for now and keep praying it will get better, and that when it is better I pray I can still be the person I was 6 months ago.

Will he ever stop taking it out on me, can someone please answer if it is normal for the survivor to blame everything on the caregiver. Next week would have been Steed and I's 3 year anniversary, but he has informed me that he does not want to be reminded that the last three years of his life have been the worst ever. Am I just living in a dream, I would swear there was some good times there.Tonight once again it all boils down to my fault, if he had never met me he would not have suffered a stroke. That really eats at me, I love him so much I would give up all I had for him including my life if it came down to that, I would trade places with him if I could. But lately I have been asking myself if I was in his shoes would he do all this for me, probably not. NO he is not physically abusive in any way but sometimes I wish he was instead of all the emotional hurt, those take so much more to recover from. I so wish I could change the past, than he would never had to meet me and fall in love with me and than maybe he would not have had this happen. Am I tainted, I don't know anymore. I have always been such a strong person, but to see him look at me like he can not stand me just breaks my heart, I never wanted my only friend to hate me and that is what it has come down to. So my question is this does it ever get better, will he ever look at me and love me again or should I just admit defeat. I am so tired of crying myself to sleep when I can actually sleep. Night time is the only time I have to cry because I don't want my boys to see me, I don't want them to think badly of Steed because they love him so much, he was always the good guy the one they could talk to if they needed someone, they would be so upset if they heard the words he says to me. Could someone please tell me if it will stop, I just want him to stop yelling at me and to stop blaming me for everything in his life.

Well this will hopefully be our last trip to the hospital. Steed has to have a liver biopsy this afternoon, they believe he has a rare blood genetic disorder called hemochromotosis. Which means his body preduces way to much blood and iron, which is what could have cause his bleed to begin with. So I am sitting hear having my coffe waiting to wake him up. My boys are with their father this week on vacation, I have taken a vacation day from work today and actually have a moment to myself. Wow this is what it feels like. Anyway I better get moving so we are not late they won't hold the OR for long for us haha. I will write more after I just wanted to get my blog up and running and actually had time to do so this morning, again amazing.