oregondreamer

So very sad. I'm sorry it was such a long struggle for her. I didn't know her but rest assured she knew you loved her. You proved it by staying with her. Bless you for that. I recently lost someone special to me, as well.

I really don't know what to say. I can certainly understand your resentment and anger. Three years is a very long time to go without seeing a lot of improvement. I can understand you being discouraged. Take comfort in all of the good people here. Maybe they can help you accept this. I think that would be your first step into getting over the anger and such. :hug:

I'm so sorry your life has taken this course. I know it must be terribly hard to try and have a good outlook on things. But just look at how much you've accomplished. Life, to a certain extent, is what you make of it. I say approach college with a fresh outlook. Don't go there with an idea in your head of what it will be like. Just take one day at a time. That's all any of us can do.

This chapter in my life is now closed. He died yesterday evening. He also had cancer that we didn't know about. I just hope he knows how much I loved him. I can't go to the funeral so his best friend will read my letter for me. I thought I owed it to you here to let you know. Thanks so much for the support I received here. He waa a very special man and I'll never forget him.

Jriva, thanks for your input. Those that haven't had that special animal bond just don't understand. I picked up his ashes today Made the finality of it seem all the more real. And I have just decided to distance myself from him. He's the one that's been pushing me away. So, I just have to appreciate what we had and move on.....again. I hate being alone but I've been alone for so long, might as well get used to it. I just hate that fate took away what could have been a happy future. That's the happiest I"ve been in my life.

A lot has happened since I visited here last. My dog had been sick and I wasn't going to worry Brian with it. He knows how much I love him. But, his best friend told him about it. Brian had his best friend and his ex wife call me to tell me he was worried about Duke. I had to have Duke put to sleep on the 12th due to lung cancer. It's the hardest thing I've had to do in my entire life. That dog was my furry soulmate. We had a bond that I'll never know again. I've been in even worse depression over it. I haven't talked to Brian in a week now. I'm kind of separating myself from him, or I guess I should say, he from me. I've just learned from his best friend that Brian can dial out himself. However, he hasn't been calling me or best friend. Why, I don't know. Best friend also told Brian about Duke dying and he said to tell me he was sorry to hear that. I tried to call him last Tuesday and as usual, got no answer in his room. He's requested us not to call later because he's sleeping (every time I try to call, he's sleeping, no matter what time, it seems) I called the nurse's station and they said he was there in the lobby so they called them to the phone. I said hello and he said he thought he'd asked me not to call late. It was about 5pm and he wasn't sleeping. I was crushed. I told him I thought he'd be happy to hear from me since we hadn't talked since Veteran's Day. I told him I was sorry I bothered him and hung up. I called his friend to give him that update and get a message from him the next day saying he felt bad. Well, something in me changed that night. I still am very upset over losing my dog of 13 years. How in the world can he treat me that way when I've done nothing but support him and be there for him? He never even let me know if he got the letter I sent him. I took three days to cool off and have tried to call numous times but never get an answer. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm no longer depressed over this. That phone call that night did it for me. If he wants to hear from me from now on, he can call. Otherwise, I'm done. And I don't plan on visiting in January, obviously. I am going to meet his best friend and bf's girlfriend in Vegas, though. I've always wanted to go there and now I have an excuse.

I talked to Brian today and he said he's tired of living like a vegetable. I was sympathetic but also tried to explain to him that it's a process he's going through and it is possible to get through it. I also asked him if he was offered counseling, would he take it. He said yes. Yet his ex has denied that to him. I also learned from his best friend that she's had all the anti depressants taken away from him. Well, I'm not giong to sit back and let that wonderful man be treated so poorly. Oh, best friend also said that once ex found out that she wouldn't be getting any money from him, that she's not moving Brian to her. So, that is a big plus! It seems to both of us that she was just in it for some money. There's more info on that but won't get into it here. But, the hospital is wanting him out on 11/29. Where will he go? I'm so worried about him. He told me he didn't deserve help and I asked him why. He just said because he didn't. I informed him he did deserve it. I didn't remind him about what I said, about never giving up on him. After I hung up with him. I called the nurse's desk. I was going to talk to the doctor but it was a holiday. I talked with the nurse a little about Brian and his situation. She was very understanding. She looked through his file and did see where it was noted about refusal of psychiatric help :Tantrum: I also found out that neither best friend or myself was on his list. The only other name beside's ex was the friend taking care of Brian's cats. So, I had my name added and left a message for the doctor to call me on Monday. Pray for some good results! I'm going to be very careful how I talk to the doctor since the ex has possibly gotten kind of testy with them. There's more info about it not being a good idea to live with the ex but I was trying to respect Brian's decision. Any advice about the conversation with the doctor on Monday would be much appreciated. I thank you all for your help and maybe one day, when I'm not about to fall apart myself, I can help someone else here.

I wrote Brian sort of a goodbye letter today. I was sort of acknowleging what is happening. I'm still going to be calling him and hopefully will get to see him in January if things get better. But honestly, I'm not expecting that. I really feel he want to be with his son because he is going to die. This is tearing me up. I cry (not just cry, but sob) at the slightest thought of him and what's to be lost forever. I told him that I would always love him. That he had changed my life forever and I would never trade the time we were given. I told him that I wondered why fate had allowed us to meet and then this happen so soon. A friend mentioned that maybe it was my purpose to show him what had been missing from his life. He had done the same for me. I told him I would be forever greatful. He told me he had never felt this way before, that he could totally be himself without wondering what I would think. We instantly clicked, from the first time we talked. I had previously had two unhappy marriages. My heart was cold and black for about ten years. Then he opened it. Right now, I wish he hadn't because of the intense pain. I feel I could die from a broken heart, myself. My heart and soul are being ripped apart and there's not one thing that I can do about it. I just hope he still wants to see me when he does get transferred. It's supposed to be within the next 30 days. Part of me wants him to pass on before he even gets moved because I don't want him to suffer. His mind is still sharp but his body won't allow him to live as he would like to. I just hope he's happy with his decison. What if he doesn't go soon like he thinks? I'm just so tired of dealing with all this. It's destroying me.