Driving me NUTS!!!

[lschick]

Hi, I have been lurking here on StrokeNet for 2 1/2 years.

 

My husband, Steve, suffered massive strokes and basically, the left side of his brain is "gone" (according to his Neurologist).

 

Steve was always very moody, quick to anger, and a workaholic. When Steve came home from the hospital, he seemed to be much more docile~ which was quite a relief to me and our young children... As Steve has progressed in recovery, he has returned to his old self...moody, angry and tries to be a workaholic. Problem is, he's paralyzed on the right side and has aphasia. Therefore, I have to be his "right hand". He expects me to read his mind to understand his every whim. And then I have to do the work for him.

 

Steve has days where he seems to know exactly what he wants to do, but he cannot express what he's thinking. For example, to give you an idea of how a normal day is: Out of the blue, Steve started taking apart a privacy fence in our yard. He's out there, with a drill, trying to remove screws from the fence. He's not left handed so he's struggling. Cursing his head off. I go ask him what he's doing. He says, "get the, get the, uh, uh, damn it". I spend the next several hours playing the questions game, while I'm dismantling a perfectly good fence. The whole time he's screaming obscenities because I'm not doing things the way he would...like the order in which I remove screws. I'm ready to scream, but hold my tongue. He's not only a workaholic, but he's very anal about exactly how things are done...

 

After a day or two, I finally figure out he's wanting to add on to our fence...(we really can't afford it, but I have given up arguing). We go to the local Menards to order fencing. I assume (stupidly) he knows what he wants and needs to order. The guy at the store is trying to help him order, but Steve can't communicate the measurements, and I have no clue what his plan is. We end up coming home and I have to guess his plans and measure for the addition. The whole time he's cussing me out because I didn't know what we needed. I was ready to flip out! I keep explaining I can't read his mind and he always says, "WHY???"

 

I have taken Steve to a psychiatrist but she's really not much help. She basically asks me what I want to do regarding medication...HUH??? He's on antidepressants. She has asked if I want to sedate Steve...I really don't know what to tell her. Will sedating him help? I hate to do that, but he's driving me and our kids nuts!

 

Thanks for any input.

[bstockman]

Hi, I remember you from before..lol I am glad you are still around. I am not a caregiver. I am a survivor, I have done CG in the past.

 

I'm not sure where you live, but maybe you could find a psycologist or psychiatrist who specializes or at least has more experience with stroke or brain injury patients.

 

I'm sure you are both extrememly frustrated... but i dont think this psychiatrist is doing either of you any foavors.

 

best wishes and hugs Bonnie

[mrsjane]

My hat is off to you 2 1/2 years and you are still there. I thought I had it bad but my husband never cusses at me. Although he never did before. He is however restricted to using his left hand but he can not walk outside because his right leg is useless too. He is 67 so there are not young children at home but we do have young grandchildren. Occasionally when he does say a cuss word it is out of frustration because he can not do what he use to and needs to ask for help. I think maybe sedation is the answer.

My husband takes Zannex three times a day and it helps to keep him calm so he doesn't have mad fits. I discovered my moods were triggered by his mood swings and if I can keep him smiling and happy then all things are better. You know it couldn't be worse and maybe he is taking too many anti-depressants. We are trying to wean off those anti-depressants and staying on anti-anxiety meds.

 

Mrs. Jane

[2ndChance]

These are issues for specialists, not general neurologists or PCPs.

 

Is the psychiatrist a NEUROpsychiatrist experienced with brain injury survivors? http://www.anpaonline.org/

 

Have you discussed this with his physiatrist? http://www.aapmr.org/

 

 

[kanderson]

hi i agree with 2nd chance, these are emotional and behavioral issues and he needs to see a specialist, a neuropsychiatrist, asap. no one can live that that continually, especially the kids. he needs help with a tranquilizer maybe. if he is having trouble expressing his thoughts. that is very frustrating to a survivor. especially in public. i hope you can get him the help he needs so hopefully things will get better. good luck and hang in there. let us know how things are going.

[mikisteph]

Hello all,

 

Despite the pen name I am male and although I provided a good life for my wife and children all i got for my trouble was a very debilitating stroke. I was divorced by my wife for the type of behaviour you are complaining of. You have had the good times for which your husband paid the price now is the time for you to show him your love and care for him as he cared for you.

 

Mike

[myhome]

Hello all,

 

Despite the pen name I am male and although I provided a good life for my wife and children all i got for my trouble was a very debilitating stroke. I was divorced by my wife for the type of behaviour you are complaining of. You have had the good times for which your husband paid the price now is the time for you to show him your love and care for him as he cared for you.

 

Mike

 

 

Well Mike, it's a known fact that 80% of marriages post stroke end in divorce. I'm sorry you had to be one of the statistics.

[HostAsha]

Stu:

 

I will think that marriages which were already in trouble ends up in divorce since after stroke who wants to take stroke plus other cussing sh*t

 

 

Asha

 

[Guest Pjoy]

Hi !

The others are right about the specialist. If your husbands stroke involves his frontal lobe, thta would explain alot of his behavior, Would even magnify some of the traits he had pre-stroke. Sedatives come in many "varieties" and can help the person slow down enough to actually function better. Good Luck and God Bless! pJoy

[mikisteph]

We are not talking about me, hopefully a passing bus will give me all the satisfaction i crave. After a number of years of marraige i think that the able bodied one, be he male or female has a duty to look after the other. If i remember rightly the promise that was made says "in sickness and in health" perhaps it should be rewmembered more.

 

Mike

[lschick]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks for your advice~ and I apologize I've been MIA since my original post. I got the fence addition installed, and it looks pretty good; thanks to the help of a neighbor. Now the "latest" project is a motorcycle Steve was rebuilding before he had the stoke. I really have to draw the line here, as there is absolutely no way I can understand how to build the thing!!!! He even expects me to paint it.

 

I will ask Steve's regular doc. for a referral to a neuropsychiatrist...he has an appointment with "regular" doc tomorrow.

 

Mikisteph~ I have to admit I was somewhat offended by your original post~ how would you know how my husband cared for me and our family before his stroke????? The fact is, we would most likely have been divorced IF he hadn't had the stroke. I have given up my entire life for this man, literally, (job, friends, family, etc.) and all I receive in return is him calling me "stupid" and other things I cannot post on this site :Argh: I'm very sorry your wife divorced you for this type of behavior.

 

I do the best I can to care for him, our children, our home, etc. I realize the stroke has made him more obsessive and compulsive. Yes, for better or worse, sickness or health... We just "celebrated" our 30th year together, two days ago. I was just looking for advice about sedatives.

[dstraugh]

Glad to hear the fence project was completed. Restoring a motorcycle? I think this job a tad too difficult to try yourself. Does Steve have a friend who'd be willing to do it and Steve can be involved in the project? You're doing all that you are physically and entally capable of doing. Good luck at the doctor's apptointment - hope Steve receives some needed help.

[bstockman]

Hi, I'm glad he has an appointment tomorrow. I think a neurophych would be good. It may be frustraiting.. the Dr's don't Always get the right medication or dosage on the first try. So it may take some trying and adjusting.. which sounds like it may not be easy with your husbands personality. Hopefully a neuropsych can get him to talk or understand .

 

It is great you are hanging in there... I don't think anyone should have to put up with abuse.. physical or mental. He needs to "learn' that if he wants a relationship.. then he needs to learn anger management... and control. brain damage or not.. he can still learn he is reacting badly.

 

Good luck and I really hope things get better for you all.

[lschick]

Hi again,

 

I am posting twice in one day??? Probably because I'm "hiding" LOL!

 

Yes, I wish Steve had a friend to help with the motorcycle. We have not seen any friends in about two years. I wouldn't even know who to call. Our oldest son stays away as much as possible because of Steve's behavior...It's very difficult to understand what Steve is thinking, and he literally thinks we should be able to "read" the end of the finger he is constantly pointing.

 

Our friends and family have pretty much disappeared. They don't know how to react to Steve... so be it, I guess. But that's another story.

 

I hope we can find something to settle him down. I know it's good he WANTS to do things, but his reasoning is off, to say the least. The constant projects are wearing me out. The constant put-downs are wearing me out, too.

[2ndChance]

Find a neuropsychiatrist and a physiatist first and take the names with you to the PCP. Most PCPs will not have a handy referral for these types of stroke specialists. They will be on your insurance list. Physiatrists may be listed under "physical and rehabilitation medicine."

 

You might also ask the PCP to start him on a mild seizure drug like Lamictal to stop the outbursts of anger/rage. It stopped mine after the very first dose. My husband thinks it was sent by God himself.

[lschick]

Hi,

 

We went to Steve's primary care doctor. He claims a neuropsychiatrist won't be much help for Steve's depression...The doc could tell just by looking at Steve that he's more depressed than usual. We had been seeing a physiatrist a while back but they only want us to come back when Steve needs botox for tone in his arm.

 

Steve is on two seizure meds~ gabapentin and Keppra. Steve does have seizures.....

 

We have another appointment with a regular psychiatrist and the pcp is trying to get us an appointment with a neuropsychiatrist. He claims there is only one in town and it will take a long time to get in to see him or her....

 

The hospital is having severe financial troubles so a lot of doctors are jumping ship.

 

Well, Steve is swearing at me for some reason (he can't see me) so I have to run.

 

 

[merichsen]

I don't think Mike intended to offend you in any way. I think he rather related to the situation and empathized with Steve. It seems he was able to see his own behavior in the way you describe your husband and his assumption about your marriage is most likely based on the similarities in his and your husband's behaviors. It seems he was more asking you not to give up on Steve and to stick with and help him as he wishes his wife had stuck with him. As I said I think he empathized with Steve and is trying to spare him the pain he obviously feels.