how to accept mental changes

[pal]

Hi, I have been reading every post I have time for,and Iam so thankful for this fourm My husband had a right side stroke 1 year ago at 42 years old. I don't need to tell you all what a long haul its been! But he has done extremely well and continues to improve slowly. I love him to pieces. I know I shouldn't have any problems right? Our problems our his emotions----they must have been wiped out. I cant seem to reason on anything with him,he just gets mad at me all the time. To make matters worse we own a small business and he pushed himself to go back 3 months after his stroke. Well he has always been a workaholic but now its crazy. Trying to make up for the loss we had and not go under. Of course its turned me into a nag.We work together to make matters worse.I am so sad and depressed all the time,because all we do is fight. I have tried to get him to slow down eat right stop smoking ect.ect. We have been going to counseling, but how to reach someone after a stroke seems impossible to me. When he doesn't want to talk about something [mainly his problems] all he says is OK over and over again and again. I am so beside myself I just want to cry for the loss of the love of my life. No one understands because he looks fine. He argues about everything all the time. I am beginning to think he might be in denial about his stroke. I have ask are counselor to see about a neropsychitrist to help with dealing better with his cognitive problems. The thing that confuses me is he yells at me,realizes it later but never apologizes. No Patience with me or our 17 year old. I guess I must have needed to get this out as it is to long. But maybe someone can shed some light. I have been by his side and will continue on no matter what. But I need help to cope with these huge changes. He is on prozac. But I still think there is something we can do to have a better life. I have begged him to slow down and have some energy left but he wont. He is so exhausted all the time. Thanks for listening.Anyone else have similar problems?

 

Pal

[arogers]

Hi Pal,

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing these frustrations but I can appreciate your position. First of all, you are correct in wanting your husband to be evaluated by a neuropsychologist. That is an excellent place to begin the process of finding the source of his attitude.

 

Monday was my husband's annual physical. Every time the doctor asked him something he said "no"... I felt bad, but I had to interject with an explanation of the way things really are every time. Sometimes I wonder if it is memory or denial, too!

 

Maybe the Prozac isn't working for him. There are a lot of meds now that address depression and anxiety. I think it is limiting to stop at the first one and expect it to work forever. It may, but then, it may not be the best med - and if he can feel better about himself and your situation as husband and wife and business partners he should be encouraged to experiment a bit. I'm sure at his age it is difficult to even go to the doctor or psychiatrist - after all he IS a man!!!! :i_did_it!:

 

Also, the quirk about not apologizing........I know exactly what you mean. Bill rarely apologizes and most often his response to situations is "oh well". It is very, very frustrating and the only antidote that I know of is patience and love. Every case is different though and you situation is most probably different than mine. If my husband wasn't suffering from vascular dementia now, I wouldn't be so benevolent about his lack of caring about my feelings.

 

I hope you get some good advice here. I'm glad you posted and I sure hope you continue to come back often.

[Guest bessy]

SO SORRY TO HEAR THAR PAL THEONLY ADVISE IS TO DOYOURBEST ANDJUST TAKECARE OF YOUR SELF TIMES WILL BETOUGH ASWELL AS TRYING BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR A STRONG WOMn that can over come this haveto keep goingnot omly for your self aswell as your husband yes there will be thelittle disagreetments we all had them becauseof denial that yes we did haveas stroke its prob harder for the man cause they are used to being thebread winners of the home and for him to see you get up gets dressed andgo to woek aureit has to hurt it does meevery morning my husband walks out the door. he may throw his temper tantrums butwe allhave them at 1 point or anotherinour lifes im glad to came to strokenet where youcan comeoninto chat andtalk to others thartare experencing the samething you are going threw just remember caregiver DO care. so comeon into a :chat: reaoon pull up a chairat43 yrsof agenever smoked or drank trokeasd my s anfjouninforgreat talk i

in fact i never smokedc ot drand it just happens with out hessiation . so pop ininsome time soon and chat with us

 

 

BESSY :big_grin:

[jjohnson]

Hi, My heart goes out to you my dear friend. I am a Brain Stem Stroke Survivor and my journey began November 2003. I can relate to your husband. I can also relate to you ... as my hubby is my caregiver and I know all too well it has not been a picnic here. I feel, in my own experience, I can relate to how your hubby is feeling. For me, I had to grieve for the old me. I long to go back to being the old me, my not being that vibrant person I was, being able to drive and be totally independent drives me bonkers. Your hubby might feel as though he was the bread winner or at least adding a lot to the family and now that has changed. He is still at the beginning of his journey. It took a while to get the proper meds for me. I have been to counseling, however, my hubby would take no part in it. The one thing my hubby has picked up and I hate it to pieces is when he says:

WHATEVER..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

rrrrrrrrrrr

but, hey if it lets steam out for him, so be it.

I know there are stages: anger, why me, pity, denial (and it's not a river in Egypt) and the blessing of acceptance. I'm working with God toward the acceptance. There are days I wish I was there, however, I'm still learning patience. I have to love and accept the new me. My life has changed a million per cent. But, the important thing is I am still here. I was not suppose to be here so I have to take what I have left and just reinvent my life. I have lost friends, or I should say acquaintenances, but hey if they aren't sticking by me, I don't need false people.

Just give your hubby time, love him and be there for him, he will come around. Just love him when he can't love himself. The biggest gift I finally learned was not to have expectations. The quicker I gave that up, the better things got. Hope this has helped. I will keep you and yours in my prayers, God Bless, Believe in Miracles and SOAR, Jan

[kanderson]

hi pal, you have received alot of good info from the others. a stroke changes us and we don't like it one bit. we yearn for our old self and what we were capable of doing for our families and ourselves. now that changed in a flash of a lightening bolt.. we must accept the new us and that takes time and patience and understanding. meds do help but we have to find the right 1 for us. i had to try 3 before i found the right one. or dosages need to be changed. seeing a psychologist is a great start. we always lash out at the ones we love not meaning to. our brains and emotions are wacky to say the least until we get back on track. its wonderful your hubby has the drive and ambition to return to work to help keep it going. don't fault him to much. hundreds of us were unable to return to work due to cognitive issues. patience is hard for the caregiver and survivor to learn after a stroke. hang in there. it does get better i wish peace and harmony for you both in the days ahead. keep us updated on how things are going for you both. maybe it would help if you both took some time off from work to do something fun together. just a thought.

[bstockman]

Hi, You are certainly taking the right steps, counseling would be a GOOD idea. Anti depressants are and can be helpful.. It may take trying a couple or adjusting dose before you get the right one.. The other thing though.. the stroke.. and or the prozac. can be making some of his emotions "flat" except for thr frustration and anger.

 

Someone mentioned denial.. That is could be a big factor. also just admitting.. coming to grips that your body (mind) could have failed in such a way.

 

It is like slamming into a wall at 100 miles per hour. One minute you are fine doing everything you worked for and knew how.. and the next... you can't walk, it takes Extreme concentration to focus on what someone is saying.. understand it, figure out how to respond.. an get the thought out... ( this depends on where and what was damaged.. ) but for many stroke survivors... everything , each response is slower and takes focus and concentration.

 

It took me .... probably 5 or 6 months.. before I realized I was NOT going to recover enough to go back to my job... I worked my _______ so I could get back to work.. Not gonna happen... but I had to come to terms and realize that... and that is a huge bucket of ice water thrown in your face.

 

He is probably very scared, I know you are also.. There is NOTHING about stroke that happens quickly,... except the stroke itself.

 

I think Dr's and rehab people are mostly reluctant to tell you... because they Really don't know what exactly has been damaged and what a person will get back...

 

I would Push for counseling with a neuro psychologist..

 

Is there someone who can help with the business for a short time.. Sometimes community colleges are a source of someone to help for experience.....

 

please try to get some time ... to take care of yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[pal]

Thank you everyone for your response.There is some good points to ponder.Because I did not have a stroke,it is hard to understand how difficult it must be for him.Although I try to walk in his shoes,and I do see his strugles.Thank you for the advice.

 

Pal

[Lacey Girl]

My husband also had a right brain stroke that has left him with personality changes. Where he used to take everything for granted, now he says "I'm sorry" and "thank you" for everything. Sounds great in theory, but in reality it can be infuriating. (I know that sounds crazy, but it's true) He also seems as if he is in denial about much of his condition. It is very hard to get him to answer questions with anything other than a generalization. When asked (even by a Dr.) how he is doing, he always answers "fine", even when it is obvious that he isn't fine. Asking him leading questions is just as bad because he answers with what he thinks you want to hear. "How much water did you drink?" His answer: "plenty". "How many glasses of water did you drink?" His answer: "several". "Did you drink two glasses of water?" His answer: "yes". For all I know, he didn't drink a single glass, or for that matter, he could have had 15! It takes all the patience I have not to blow up in his face! I've explained time and time again that specifics are needed. I expect I'll be explaining that for the rest of our lives. From what I've learned about right brain strokes, denial is one of the symptoms and effects. It scares me because if something else happens, I might not know before it is too late. Anyhow, we have an appointment with neuropsych and I hope you can get one too. Sometimes I wonder who benefits more, the patient or the caregiver? Many hugs, I know you need them.

[Guest faithycan]

Hi All,

 

Thom's wife here...my husband had a stroke back in 11/06. Left his left side 75% paralzyed. We were both in recovery. I am still sober God willing it will be 20 years on November 5th. I have such a problem and I don't know what to do. He is more and more dependant on the fentynol patch. He is going to see a new pain doctor on Friday. I refuse to go with him. I did however (and I told him) write a letter to the doctor explaining how he is a heroin addict and he abused his pain pills last year, therefore no more pills. His brother is taking him to see the doctor on Friday. He is on 75 mg change every three days. He wants to change the patch every 2 days. I have no problem with that, as I handle all his medication, He cannot walk alone anymore. He has since had a massive seizure, a small one and a tia. All in the last year. Besides, he would rather stay on his chair, smoke and get high the first day of his patch. I cannot take anymore of this, I am working 40 hours a week, coming home taking care of him, and in the morning, giving him a shower, etc..before work. Which I do not mind at all if he wasn't hooked on his pain meds. His excuse, he cannot sleep all night on the third night. I even gave him his patch at 11:00 the night before so he can sleep. He argues with me all the time about this. I am afraid I am going to hurt him or myself. I am seeking outside counseling, and I called him and told him to call a counselor for the house. We are also getting a settlement in two years cause of his stroke - neglect due to a kidney stone. I told him I am leaving him then. I will find a place for him, set him up then I am gone. I don't think I can last two years. we have six kids who won't visit cause they cannot stand be around him. I have noone that will take him and he will not go into a home. My only recourse is to call the mental health number in back of the card and see what they can do. I just don't know what else to do.

 

Thanks for listening,

yours in recovery,

 

Faith

[Guest faithycan]

 

 

P>S>

 

he also was on two kinds of nerve meds which didn't work, so he refuses any kind of nerve medication.

[myhome]

Hi Pal,

 

WOW, not eating properly, smoking, exhausted all the time, workaholic, my god this guy is another stroke looking for a place to happen. You need to get him some help asap, and you need to get some rest yourself, you can't help him if your exhausted.

I'm glad to see that he's agreed to and is going to counseling, he may well be in denial that he had a stroke. I hope he comes to the realization that he needs to slow down and smell the flowers before he has another stroke.

[pal]

Thanks for the replies everyone,Stu yes I constantly nag but have stopped doing so last few months. I am in constant worry over his health,but I can't get through to him. He has no interest in this site,even though I have told him a lot about it [good things]. He stroked due to very high BP the meds he is on have kept it nice and low,thank god. But as you know you still have to take care of your body.

We have an apt. with a Nero psychologist and it will be 3 hours of tests 2 days worth. I am praying this will give me tools to work better on his thinking process. He is very willing for all the counseling and help he can get.

On a happy note he is starting to see that he blows up and has other emotional problems,and is trying very hard to work at it.He is even trying to deal more with Patience with our 17 year old son.

As an interesting side note,he explained to me that his mind constantly races. And jumps from one thing to the next,never stopping. I asked him why he has never told me,and he said he is just now putting things together in his own mind!

Thank you for letting a very tired caregiver get a lot off her mind,this group is the best!

[bstockman]

Hi Pal, I also had ... wha I explained as my mind did not want to turn off. I felt like I had Attention deficit disorder.. Dr put me on alprazolam.. I also used computer games .. I only take the alprazolm now about an hour before bed so I can fall asleep . I take 1/2 a tablet if i get overwhelmed or too much going on and I get over-anxious. (very seldom now) I am 5 yrs post stroke.

 

When i began I could barely finish a hand of solitare on the computer. I still have to .. focus on things. and can no longer multitask. If someone is talking.. and it is too long.. I tend to lose track of the conversation or get antsy.

 

( I was a pharmacy assistant and a medical assistan in a busy OB/GYN office before stroke) concentration and stayng on track or focused is very difficult.

 

I also have memory issues.. before the alprazolam I only slept about 2 hrs wake up.. maybe another 2 hrs. etc. being tired and not sleeping well makes deficits much more difficult.. Your husband may have a hard time realizing what is going on, or even expressing this to you. I know I did.

 

 

Bonnie

[kanderson]

pal that is great that hubby is willing to go for the help he needs that is a big start on his part. i pray all goes well with his visit and the dr can help him which will help you too. bless you for being his caregiver, it is a hard job. i hope things settle down for you both real soon. good luck.