CagedBird Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Is it wrong that my eyes become clouded with tears when I roll up the Stroke Connections magazine and throw it away after reading about how happy someone is who fully recovered from stroke? Sometimes that magazine just makes me sick. I rarely see stories of people who still have defects from the stroke. It's just a big fake like they want everyone with stroke to think all you have to do is follow a few steps, have a good attitude and poof you will wake up fully recovered. Does reading stories like that make you all hopeful for the future and want to follow the same steps the lucky one did in hope of one day fully recovering too? Well it just makes me sick. After almost 8 years, sucess stories mean nothing to me accept a pat on the back to the lucky one. Yesterday a colleague of mine asked if I had a stroke. He then shared with me that many of his family members had also had stroke. He asked why it effects certain parts of the body and which parts it effects. I explained to him the different types of stroke and the reaons why I think parts of my body didnt fully recover. He told me about his aunt and how her left side was just like mine. I started to get happy. Then he said she fully recovered though and she is 81 years old. This just confused me. How does someone so old in age fully recover? but me, at 12 years old couldn't? If my friend fully recovered at 2 years old and I hear of an 81 year old who fully recovered. What is the difference? Does God just pick and choose? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllanWilliams Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Hi Katrina As I see it. It all depends on the type of stroke one has and if you receive medical treatment in time to prevent lasting damage. I had a Thrombotic Stroke 10 Aug 07 I had a carotid endarterectomy operation a couple of days later I retained most of my functions except for balance and a few short term memory problems plus my left arm still shakes uncontrollably at times but has improved, I thought i got off quite lightly to others but the next month had a heart attack, a few stents put in and on the road to recovery not to bad i thought, Then early '08 had an operation to replace major arteries in my legs (insisted they do them both together) well while in hospital lost both legs due to infection, this time i didn't say well not to bad I was devastated to say the least, then in Nov. Dec. 08 had three TIAs had to have another endarterectomy and angioplasty for my heart But i got on with life yeah i wish i had my old self back but I know that is not going to happen, in the end it all boils down to who pulls the short straw. As far as i can see there is no reasoning why some recover and others don't, It is just life one can take it or leave it i chose to run with it. I'm quite happy and enjoy my life to the best of my abilities while i can. Katrina i would say there are lot more survivors that do not fully recover Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wesley H. Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Katrina, I have asked myself that same question and I don't know the answer! Personally, I have never met anyone that "fully recovered". I have heard stories about someone's aunt or uncle who had the miraculous recovery. My wish for myself is to be able to do simple things again like tie my shoes, or button my right shirt sleeve. I have seen other survivors with far less deficit than me and I must admit, it makes me a little envious, but it doesn't make me sick; just the opposite! It excites me knowing that it is actualy possible. There is hope that my life will continue to improve physically! I can recall lying on the hospital bed wondering if I would ever be able to support my family. I am now back at work and the bills get paid. I could not move my arm at all. Today I can raise it and move it around, but not with any grace. That will come in time, I know because I have faith that it will. I don't think it's a matter of "pick and choose" any more than someone is "more deserving or less deserving" than someone else. I just get up each morning and keeping working on it. and I am better today because I do! Wesley H. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sudz Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 hi Katrina I relate to your feelings I have a hard time sometimes hearing of things people can do I amstill much like when I came home 6+ yrs ago sure I can do more - but still lots I can't do my mind is in better shape than my physical deficits I have some control over my mind - coping skills - but nothing will make paralyzed parts moveI get jealous of weak limbs at least U have movement then Katrina one big difference is that I am 57 yrs old raised two daughters - so I've lived my life. I try to look at each day as a new day start over again & allow the tears of frustration flow whwn it gets really tough you are an amazing girl wishing you the best love Susan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sudz Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Hi again Katrina PS I have a friend who had a very severe stroke yrs ago left side so vert asphasic he is almost fully recovered to me he is very good slow talking still - but communicates very well drives refiniushes furniture with his bad hand Still has a limp & curved hand but is independent & able tpo liik after himself - to me that is fully recoverd nough1 - after all this what's a limp sounds good to me again we canbt give up hope - just keep trying to learn to live with our new selves and new limitations have hope & don't put pressures on my unrealistic expectations Susan again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwaltke Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I was not aware that anyone ever fully recoverd because any CVA leaves damage behind. I will two two years in a few weeks. IE Yesterday I went to get out of bed and my body dropped to the floor and I fell three more times in the day. I was getting concerned if I was haveing a TIA more Bleeding in the brain or what. I am not recovered and have no idea if or when that day will come. But not being on the other side of the Terra Firma is a wild succes and acheivement for me. One day one step at a time amd I will neva give up Neva. Do I wish I had never had the strokes and bleeds oh heck yes. But I cant give up if i never improve one more little eyeota I am still blessed I have my life , my family and this group and that is something I can build on. Hugs Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjohnson Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Hi There Katrina: I had to read and reread your post and really think about it. I feel any organization such as StrokeNet and others that are there for those people who are Stroke Survivors are truly doing it for the right reasons. They want to share their experience, strength and HOPE with others. I happen to like that magazine and I have learned a lot from reading it. But, the feelings you stated are your feelings, they are neither right or wrong because they are YOURS. I have been fighting the Beast, Stroke, since 2003. I then fought it again in 2006 and 2007. I am not going to give up on life and cash my chips in. There is still much I want to do and live my life to the fullest that I can. Is my life the same before the Beast hit, NO, but, I love life and I Believe In Miracles and I will SOAR forever. Life, to me, is what I make it. I make a choice every morning I awake. It is hard, I won't tell you it isn't. The last two strokes I had did make an impact on me. In 2003, I ended up in a coma and on life support. I was a 100% paralyzed .... I beat the odds, I knew then and there I was here on a journey. I take life one second at a time. Instead of throwing out the magazine, is there a Dr's office or community center you can leave them at? Maybe someone else would enjoy them. We are here for you sweetie. God Bless, Hugs, Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stessie Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Katrina I read your post and then reread it slowly a second time. To me, hope is a main stay and if there's no hope, what is there? I have to hope and believe I will continue to improve. I'm 59 with our first grandchild and I want to be around to see him grow. I also want to be around for myself as I'm not done living or giving up. Do I know that I will never fully recover to 100%? The answer is yes but I would sure settle for 85 to 90%. I know everything we post should be positive and supportive but I would like to challenge you to turn some of your anger into determination. You are a stunning individual and have a lot to offer, and you have come far. Stessie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdube Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Katrina, maybe it is predetermined who gets better and who doesn't, since we don't know who the lucky ones are, why not you? Just in case you are one of the chosen ones, I wouldn't take a chance, work as hard as you can to get back as much as you can and just maybe , you are chosen. If you decide in advance that you will not be chosenand you don't do what is required of you to "make it", then even if you are one of the chosen , you will never know because you didn't do your part. What I am saying is basically we have to do our part in the recovery game and hope and pray for the best. If we don't do our part, we will never know if we were among the chosen. I know Katrina that you are feeling down these days. You need to do something about that. Whether it is to see your doc to adjust your meds (if you are even taking meds) or give yourself little challenges every day with a nice reward when you achieve it. At first they don't need to be hard challenges. Also, something that will surely help brighten your day is "count your blessings. Every night find 5 things you are grateful for. These could be as mundane as : I was able to get out of bed today and do what I had to do to get to school. another could be I am thankful I had some money to get my lunch, and so on. You will see dear Katrina that in a day if you make a list you will have more to be thankful for than not. Why don't you try this for a few days. With stroke often comes depression . We have to be imaginative so we can get out of our funk sometimes. For sure, doing this won't make you worse so maybe its worth a try. You will be in my thoughts and prayers sweetie. You were doing so good, I really hope you can find peace within yourself and the will to go on. Good luck to you and keep smiling even if you have to force it for a little while then before you know it you will be smiling inside also. Keep us posted please Katrina, your strokenet family cares about you and your wellbeing. All the best to you, mc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksaul Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 hi katrina, read your post several times. hmmmm. i like the magazine and i get joy from hearing about people who overcome the odds in life. i know from your blogs that you have a lot on your plate and that you work very hard at doing your best.....i am sorry that the magazine stories make you angry. you know, and i know life is not fair. some people just seem to breeze through things without a care and others struggle everyday. i know i will never recover fully and i also know i am not going to waste my energy being angry at fate or god or whatever. i also know that if someone recovers fully from stroke or cancer or whatever i will be happy for them. just keep living the life you have, keep learning everyday in school and don't compare yourself to others cause who knows what their lives are really like. be kind to yourself and value yourself as you are. kathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Craig Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I too love the strokie mags...... I find comfort here especially. I don't feel so alone/isolated here or when I'm able to read about others struggling...sorry, y'all's struggles comfort me! Pretty perverted, huh? Misery loves company.... My perspective on recovery--and who gets to recover?? I have learned that some folks just AREN'T hit as hard as some of us who've permanently lost functions in limbs. To my knowledge...if the cells are dead...you're cooked ---- tadah! To recover will REQUIRE regenerating or re-programming new/or previously unused cells to take over. The exception is if YOU're lucky enuf to go to a hospital that HAS and can administer via qualified doctor the magic serum to reverse damage within that limited time span? Ya, I was at a hosp in time...and all were sCurrying to "stabalize" me....but no one mentioned to me that the hospital :yikes: I went to DIDN'T HAVE THE DOC OR SERUM I NEEDED!!!!!!!!!!!DUH! :Tantrum: COULDN'T THAT INFO BE like,ya know? :Tantrum: public information FYI??????????????? thank you very much! tHERE'S A LOT TO BE SAID FOR COMMUNICATION , HUH? Stroke diagnosis,treatment and even therapies could improve-- a lot!!. :cheer: But for me I live and survive as best I can. The old me gets further and farther away from who I am TODAY. And that makes today more bearable for me. :oops: Life sucks..BUT ...I can't be "angry" CUZ...it's self-defeating....besides I would not wish a stroke on the worst person in the world....gosh, I might even feel sorry for Hitler if he had a stroke.........it is awful!!!!!!!!!!!----but I just continue to sing loudly, " I will SURVIVE!" :Tantrum: uNTIL SOMETHING ELSE GETS ME, anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksaul Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I too love the strokie mags...... I find comfort here especially. I don't feel so alone/isolated here or when I'm able to read about others struggling...sorry, y'all's struggles comfort me! Pretty perverted, huh? Misery loves company.... My perspective on recovery--and who gets to recover?? I have learned that some folks just AREN'T hit as hard as some of us who've permanently lost functions in limbs. To my knowledge...if the cells are dead...you're cooked ---- tadah! To recover will REQUIRE regenerating or re-programming new/or previously unused cells to take over. The exception is if YOU're lucky enuf to go to a hospital that HAS and can administer via qualified doctor the magic serum to reverse damage within that limited time span? Ya, I was at a hosp in time...and all were sCurrying to "stabalize" me....but no one mentioned to me that the hospital :yikes: I went to DIDN'T HAVE THE DOC OR SERUM I NEEDED!!!!!!!!!!!DUH! :Tantrum: COULDN'T THAT INFO BE like,ya know? :Tantrum: public information FYI??????????????? thank you very much! tHERE'S A LOT TO BE SAID FOR COMMUNICATION , HUH? Stroke diagnosis,treatment and even therapies could improve-- a lot!!. :cheer: But for me I live and survive as best I can. The old me gets further and farther away from who I am TODAY. And that makes today more bearable for me. :oops: Life sucks..BUT ...I can't be "angry" CUZ...it's self-defeating....besides I would not wish a stroke on the worst person in the world....gosh, I might even feel sorry for Hitler if he had a stroke.........it is awful!!!!!!!!!!!----but I just continue to sing loudly, " I will SURVIVE!" :Tantrum: uNTIL SOMETHING ELSE GETS ME, anyway. julie, i love your dog quote at the end! it is strange because i too find my old self fading from my memory..wonder if that is part of acceptance? kathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HostAsha Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 hi katrina: I feel same when they say oh that person recovered fully, but I think what they mean by recovered is what person is able to do post stroke. nobody knows full details. so for me if I am able to live life fully happily post stroke then I have recovered. & I know even though your left hand does not work & you limp but you are still living and achieving your goals. I just read story about jessica cox girl who won her pilot's licence & she does not have both arms. life is not fair but you have to make best out of your lemons. Asha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UpstateLady Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Oh Cagebird....don't beat yourself up wondering if you could have done something more!! My docs told me that had my clot been a "hair" one way or the other everything would have been different. On my MRI - the area that was affected should have affected things other than language/speech, but didn't. The brain is a very complex, strange place, we should not generalize! I can't know exactly what you are going through, any more than you can understand what I am going through. Things are similiar, but never exactly the same. I so wish folks "out there" would understand that!!! Do the best you can, keep fighting the good fight and try not to get discouraged. We're all right there with you!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CagedBird Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 It just seems too fake. How can you live with stroke for so long and still have hope that your going to get better? My hope turned into a reality check. This is not one of my blogs so I am not asking for your sympathy and encouraging words. I am thankful for things and I thank God every night and morning for everything. I used to read the magazines with hope just like the rest of you and even try to register for the products in hopes that it would make me just like the people in the pictures. Maybe I am not being optimistic enough but I see it as getting my head out of the couds. I don't envy the people who get better. I just question what makes them so special that they got better but I didn't. What did they do that I did not do. I see some of you had to reread the post so I will just clarify the purpose was because I wanted to know why some people recovered and some people don't, and I wanted to know how you all feel when you hear a uccess story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dstraugh Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Katrina, For me, coming to Stroke Network and reading about the progress others are making, inspires me more to forge ahead versus reading the stroke related magazines. It could be as we're friends here and feel close to one another. In the magazines, they usually do write the successes of those who have recovered - they may not though list the trials & tribulations of what they occurred to get where they are today. The extent of recovery, as you know, varies from person to person depending on the damage incurred with the stroke or strokes. Also a factor can be any other health issues before or after the stroke(s). I feel as well the therapy received (what insurance and finances permit) also plays a role in recovery. There are so many various treatments coming into play that insurance does not cover and, if the survivor has financial limitations, those treatments are out of reach. What I try to remember is how far I have come on my journey since that day my life changed forever not how far I still want to go. If I dwell on where I want to be, I'll miss today and the blessings I have and the love of those around me as well as the love I have to give. Do I ever sit on my pity pot and forget to flush? Darn tootin I do and when it overflows I have a royal mess to clean up. I am human and have feelings...I cry, I laugh just as any other person...and...like any other person walking this earth I have only one life to lead. Stroke almost did me in but I survived for a reason, not as a punishment. Ok, off my soapbox - hang in there sweet girl - know we're all here for you and each other with unconditional love. We're better than a furry critter who needs fed or walked - we DO understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksaul Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 katrina, in reading your second post all i can say is that each stroke is different. there is no reason and there is certainly, in my opinion, no power that chooses who has a complete recovery and who does not. like donna said, there are a variety of issues, some in our control and some not, that have an impact on our recovery. i know that if i started to compare my recovery to others i would feel blessed in comparison to some people and sad in comparison to others. i believe it is a waste of time and energy to compare ourselves to others in any situation because we do not really know what another person's hopes, challenges, pain etc are like to live with. to me that way lies unhappiness. life just is not fair. period. good things happen to bad people and good people can have terrible things happen.... it is called fate. kathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekelly Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Katrina, I think a bunch of different things go into whether or not you get better from stroke or cancer or anything else. It depends on your age and physical condition at the time of the event, the severity of the event, the treatment you get, the support you get and your own attitude. I think that if everything else is good- a bad attitude can keep you from improving; but a good attitude won't necessarily make you improve if the other things aren't going your way. I also sometimes get frustrated and resentful when I see a success story. I see my Mom working so hard just to keep from getting worse. When people say that with a good attitude and hard work she WILL improve I want to scream at them. She has been working. She has the attitude. It doesn't always work that way. At the same time, sometimes when I read the stories it makes me hopeful. I see that someone can be plugging away and plugging away without any change- and then suddenly things get better. That makes me feel that what we are doing and what she is doing is not worthless. I DO envy the people that get better. But I try to remember that there are other ways that we got lucky when other people did not-- when we were the special ones. My mom survived cancer when she was given less than six months to live. She survived heart valve replacement- when I personally watched her die twice. They said she would never be independant or off oxygen after that and she was. She dodged a lot of bullets --but not this one. I see us as luckly because she had the independance as long as she did. I also see us as lucky that our family was able to get her out of a nursing home and home. I know there are probably lots of people who would envy us that. With respect to hope-- my feeling about stroke recovery is that you are constantly getting a little better or a little worse. I have never seen a real plateau-- there are tiny improvements or tiny regressions. We keep working to avoid the regression, and hope to build upon the improvements. I don't think she is going to get better -- in the sense of getting back to where she was-- but I hope she can be better than she is at this moment. That is what I call realistic optimism-- and sometimes I lose even that. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mema Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hi Katrina and all the repliers, I guess I'll jump in here and give you my thoughts on the subject. Each stroke is different and each recovery is different. When it is said that someone has fully recovered, just what does that mean? I don't believe anyone "fully" recovers from stroke. There are always residuals. All any of us can do is to keep working and to accept our "shortcomings". Except for the fact that I cannot walk or use my left arm, I am in almost perfect health. My heart is healthy, my lungs are good, and I very rarely get sick. My speech and memory were not affected and I can do a lot of things with my right hand. I guess what I am saying is I concentrate on the positive and eliminate the negative from my life. This is not the way I wanted to spend my retirement, but it is what it is and I will make the best of it. Vi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djeffries Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Katrina: I can understand how you are feeling. I often wonder the same thing - Why do some stroke survivors 'recover' better than others? That is a question that will probably never be answered the way that we would like it to be answered. Yes, my 'results' aren't as drastic as others, but worse than others. I know of a person, who has a radio ministry and he had a stroke. His complete left side went numb, couldn't talk, couldn't do much of anything. He decided to take TPA and he recovered completely by the next day. He has no 'deficets' at all. I've met other people who are alot worse off. I just wish I had more wrong with me. The only 'problems' (which you can't see) are complete numbness and no feeling on my entire left side. Being associated with Stroke Net 'makes' everyone on here 'equal'. UNTIL you actually meet them, if that is possible. What I am trying to say is, yes some don't recover as well as others and yes the magazines may 'focus' on success stories. I believe that they are just trying to give the readers hope in the future. Right now, I am 10 years and 7 months post-stroke. I have made good progress but I wish I had more. Katrina, you are still in school, focusing on your education, which is great. I realize that your grades aren't what you would like them to be. But, you are learning, you are achieving good grades and you do have some friends. I think what would be helpful is your attitude towards stroke and the problems it is causing. If you have a positive outlook, look for the positive things in your life each day, and have a 'I-can-do-this' attitude, you will succeed. Keep your chin up and keep your focus on positive things, and only good things and results will come, maybe not as fast as you want, but they will come. Denny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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