I'm angry

[Dwight in Chicago]

Hi to those trying to handle anger issues and well-meaning loved ones. I can relate. After my mother's stroke, she was in a coma for 8 months. Still people often asked often , "How is your mother doing?" Sometimes I wanted to be mean and reply, "She's in a coma. How do you think she's doing?" Or sometimes I wanted to say, "Don't you think I'd tell you if she'd awoken from her coma?"

 

But I didnt' say that. Though sometimes I finally just told them, "She is the same." That felt better. Instead of telling all the minutia of her tiny changes -- her progress, her setbacks, did she open her eyes, did she move her left leg -- I knew the simplest answer was, "She is the same." I know people mean well when they ask a caregiver this question. But it does get exhausting after time. When the tables are turned and I am talking to a caregiver of a stroke survivor -- I hope I remember that. I will talk about everyday things, and how they are doing. I will trust and respect that the caregiver will give me an update on the progress of their loved one as they are comfortable in doing. I will not force them to put into words feelings and observations for which they may not yet have words. Sometimes people would ask me how am I doing. And that was nice of them. Mom passed away in Sept 09 and we had a beautiful service for her. Mom's loved ones were amazing at her memorial. The speakers who spoke of her were funny and moving.

 

Now people often ask, "How is your brother doing?" Oh boy. Here we go again. Haha. He had a stroke two months after Mom. He is conscious but moving slow. And though Clyde has his leaps of progress and his depths of depression -- the quick answer is, "He's the same." Sometimes I explain that progress with a stroke survivor or someone in a coma can be glacial. Slower than molasses in January. So it really doesn't help to ask me every other day how they're doing. I want to say, Please trust that I will tell you when there are major improvements. It will be on the blog. It will be in my face. You won't have to ask.

 

I think the real question they're asking about my brother is: "Is he home yet? Has he been released from the nursing center?" I explain that he may never be able to go home. It's between my brother and his body. I try what I can try. Tough love. Candy. He likes Starbursts. I brought him some magazines to read. But really, he's about the same. I'll let you know when I have major news. Thanks for asking.

[HostBruce]

Dear Dwight,

 

I hear you loud and clear! I know what you mean. People can be so inceative about things. I wish you luck in your indevers to clear your borthers name and live for your mom as well.

 

 

Bruce Schwentker

[ILoveGuineaPigs]

It's been almost 4 months since my dad stroked. I don't know what phase I'm at. It just kills me whenever I visit my parents, even if he made big improvements.

I still don't know how I want people to react. It bothers me when they ask, it saddens me and makes me think they don't care when they don't ask.

Hugs to everyone here.