Husband has hit me 3 times


Guest tgm464

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I am trying so hard to be patient with my husband , I understand his frustration with his condition , but allowing him to hit me is unexcuseable , He has seen three doctors this week , the rehab doc , the neurologist & the cardo doc ,and his usual theripists OT , PT .& Speech. All of the Docsover the past week have made med changes , each doc explained to him what the meds are and why he needs them and my husband understands why these changes to his meds were made, everytime I give him meds I get the bottles out and explain what they are and let him read the labels and he understands , but still insists on throwing them across the room. These aggressive outbursts happened even before the med changes. I have to not only pay for these meds that are extremely expensive but have to vaccum them up everytime 3 times a day, I have a young daughter who could possibly pick up a stray pill and put it in her mouth mistaking it for candy . These outburts have been happening for 2 weeks or so and they dont just happen at med time but anytime of day , we could be sitting laughing one second and the next he is throwing things and ranting about something , with no speech I dont know what he is saying , I try to calm he and ask what I can do to help him , but he gets worse thats when he stikes me .With his shortterm memory loss I dont even know if he remembers ever doing it . My question is I am not only afraid for myself , I dont want my kids ever to see their mother getting hit & Im afraid that my daughter will pick up a pill that he had thrown in these fits and put it in here mouth , I try hard to get them all up ,, but one time I may miss one .All the Docs say its common for this aggression in stroke patience but when I have done nothing but try to help ,support, console & love when do I say enough is enough, JESUS.... I must sound like an idiot I know , but I love him but not sure if I can continue to put myself & my family through this. :(

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My father has done those things on many occassions, but I don't have a child in the house. I don't have any great words of wisdom. You sound like you're coming to the end of your rope, and I just wanted to tell you that I've been there. I will tell you to start doing what I did, this won't change things though. I started keeping a journal of med refusal, aggressive behavior, surrounding circumstance, foods eaten the day of the behavior...etc. This will not only help you and docs try to pin point triggers, it will also help you to prove you've attempted meds etc. If my father won't take meds there's nothing I can do but try again in a bit when his mind is different. Ask the pharmacist how to replace meds that have been dropped..they may have an idea. You're not the only one who goes through this. I just wanted you to know. I hope someone else has an idea or two. Hugs to you.

 

 

Cinder

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Hi Tgm,

 

NO, you do not sound like an idiot! You are frustrated and in pain. And for very good reasons. I have no experience in dealing with organically based aggression and emotional lability issues, so hopefully someone else will come along to post you some sound advice. I just popped in to give you a hug and tell you that you are in a safe place to vent. Please also know that you are not to blame in any way for bringing on these episodes!

 

I try to calm he and ask what I can do to help him, but he gets worse thats when he stikes me
Have you tried walking out of the room and not saying anything when he gets angry? Have you tried to ignore the anger and distract him with something totally unrelated, like the books say to do with emotional lability? I'm just grasping for straws here.......

 

Jean

 

P.S. Would it be possible to get your pharmacy to give you duplicate bottles so that you could just show your husband bottles with only a few pills in them, instead of full bottles? It would be cheaper to buy extra bottles than to vacuum up pills.

 

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Hi Tgm,

I can feel your frustration and I do sympathize with you. After my Mom's stroke she often became angry and did things that were very out of character for her. It's hard to watch.

 

I think Cinder's advice is excellent about keeping a journal. Having something to show the doctor will give him/her a better overall picture of what is going on. I still don't know if that will solve this, but it might.

 

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to get to the bottom of it. How long has it been since his stroke? Do you have any outside help? I'm just curious.

 

Excellent advice Jean about duplicate bottles!

 

Keep us posted. Take care of yourself. It does sound like you are in need of some rest and help.

 

Kathy

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Thank you all for responding,

Kathy my husband had his stroke the 8th of July , he came home from rehab on the 31st of Aug, so he has been home a month , He has been progressively more agressive & violent since then , he got upset & aggitated several times in rehab , but never struck anyone. I have no help all my family is 1200 miles away , tho in the beginning they all managed to come down for weeks at a time to help me, they all have young children so since school started they cant take the kids away from that , his family which consists of 9 brothers & sisters who all live within 10 miles of us , never come , the last time I seen any of them was in Aug , Ive tried asking them to sit with him or take him out for awhile , none of his siblings have children at home and 5 of them work, but I just get excuses .One Sunday I got so crazy that I very calmly put shoes on and put him in the car, I took him to his sisters house who is a nurse and deals with this stuff everyday, and she said no she couldnt be bothered ,she had to cut her grass , & even had the nerve to pull her riding lawn mower up to the passenger side door where hubby was sitting to keep him from even getting out of the car , So this is the situation , there is no help , I have learned that I am in this by myself& have come to terms with that. Now my son who is 16 has been an angel , helping in anyway possible and never complaining,Insurance is gone on the 1st of Oct , so thats another issuse all together , SSD is still months away so I cant afford to pay anyone to come in with him and Ive exhausted all my routes as far as groups & church volenteers , theres nothing.

I have kept a journal since day 2 of this whole thing , and in recent days have checked & rechecked it trying to find any triggers and there just arent any , these explosions come from no where & its at the point now that I am afraid plain & simple. I talked to all his docs and asked them to consider putting him in a hospital where they can evaluate him , but with the insurance being stopped no one will do it , they pretty much tell me to just deal with it . I refuse to be a punchingbag for anyone regardless of the circumstances , I seen my mother get hit for 25 yrs by my dad & I remember the feelings I had as a child each & everytime that happened, so I know that I cant let my children be a witness to this.(My husband is my childrens stepdad) He knows what he is doing & thats the hardest thing of all , he tries to makeup afterwards , but no man I dont care what his condition should ever , ever put a hand on his wife , all I want to do is help & love him but I dont think that I can at this point , I feel resentment now & I know thats a wrong feeling to have but thats how I feel . I have been there with him everyday since this happened & have given him my all , but I fear that I have to stop because when I feel that I have nothing to work for except more abuse then to me its a job I need to resign from. .

Thank you all so much for letting me ramble on

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He knows what he is doing & thats the hardest thing of all , he tries to makeup afterwards , but no man I dont care what his condition should ever , ever put a hand on his wife , all I want to do is help & love him but I dont think that I can at this point , I feel resentment now & I know thats a wrong feeling to have but thats how I feel .

 

Hi Theresa,

 

I'm not making excuses for your husband, but if he's never been aggressive or hit you before the stroke, he may very well NOT know what he is doing at the actual time he hits you i.e. he's probably lost impulse control. Many survivors do loss impulse control in varying degreees, especially for that first year. Personally, if I had a doctor tell me I just had to live with it I'd be looking for another doctor. One who specializes in the emotional aftermaths of strokes and can give you some coping techiques to try. Certainly there must be better advice out there than just "learn to live with it!"

 

Jean

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Theresa,

 

Although I have no idea what you are going through my heart goes out to you. sad.gif To have the care of your husband all on your shoulders without any help what-so-ever; and your insurance running out on top of that. Then to have the man you love become abusive to you must be horrifing. I wish I knew what to say to you to help. But I have no words of wisdom. sad.gif

 

 

But I do want you to know that I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I hope things get better for ya'll soon.

 

God Bless!!!

 

Tania wub.gif

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I guess my question, as was already asked would be, did he have this behavior before the stroke? I have a feeling he didn't. With your history you would not have stayed with him and still love him if he did. I hope no one gets angry about my next statement. Your husband is not your father. He does not do this to get personal joy, to show power and authority, or I'm sure because it makes himself feel good. In my oppinion he's scared to death, angry, frustrated as you are. But his emotions aren't clear to him and they come out differently. If he knows your history maybe he's doing this because it's the one thing that will make you leave, therefore freeing you of the "burden". But that would take alot of thought process, and honestly when my dad does this I know he has no reason and forgets the second he did it. I just go to his weak side and he can't get me..I give him words of security words of love. And his brain changes again then he's ok. Basically you sound like you've had it and have decided to get out now, that is your choice. Unlike me you didn't choose this life. Just make sure you're not leaving him because of your dad. You said you saw your mom get hit for a long time and are concerned about what your kids will see. Which will affect them more seeing mom, strong woman, getting hit and dealing with the reasons? Or seeing mom leave the man they have come to love, because of stroke based aggression? If your one reason for leaving is the aggression, then get some books, sit down with the kids and read about it. If you don't and they see it they may make the mistake of thinking it was on purpose....

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Thank you all once again for your responses , oddly enough I feel some comfort in knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this .

To answer one of the questions NO my husband never raised a hand to me before the stroke , he was always a bit controling and had a temper but that was the extent of it . We rarely argued , mostly he or I would walk away until we were calmer then we would talk about the problem at hand . And he has always known my feelings on spousal abuse ,,( lets just say that I made it perfectly clear to my husband years ago that I would eliminate a manly body part in their sleep if he or any other man laid his hands on me.) sleazy.gif .The reason I feel that he knows what he is doing is that afterwards he holds his head down and tries to comfort me , but I cant be sure.

And I have even thought about this behavior being a way of making me leave , but then when I do leave to go to the store or something , my son says he sits and crys or heads towards the door to find me , Most of the problem is his speech at this point there is none he can say a very few words , but only when prompted to do so,repeating if you will ,.He is able to walk fairly well with a walker but I still have to keep an eye out due to balance issuses. Today has been rather quite and I am very thankful for that , I spoke once again to his PCP today who told me " I cant tell you what to do , but if you fear for yourself and your family then the ER maybe the place to start" .So I am keeping an open mind & an open heart to find out which direction I need to go next.

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PSS to last post .

 

I know that he not my father , but wether its a dad a brother a husband or a stranger when children see violence in their own home it leaves scars regardless of the circumstances illness or no illness, As much as I can I try to explain that he is ill and needs us all to help & love him and he dosent mean to do it . Its very hard to tell a 7 yr old girl that and then at the same timealways teaching her that hitting is wrong , No matter what I tell her all she knows is that daddy hit mommy plain & simple and that worries me .And as far as the children coming to love him they do very much , and I do as well , but I dont think the possibility of me leaving is a sign of weakness, fear isnt a weakness nor is staying a sign of strength.

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As a survivor going on 4 years, and I can't talk much at all, let me just add this little thought.

It gets really frustrating at times not to be able to talk. angry.gif But....this in no way is an excuse to hit, something or someone.

As I said, no excuses but....

some meds, or lack of, can cause you to do things you normally wouldn't.

a stroke messes with your head and it too can cause you to act diferently.

 

May God bless you in your situation.

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Teresa: might be time to start gathering info on care facilities (i.e. figure out what your insurance covers, etc.) If he doesn't calm down, you have an obligation to protect yourself and your child. You might have to have him put in a care facility for a few months. When he is living in THEIR house the medical professionals will find a medication to calm him!

 

2nd Chance

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Theresa,

You certainly do have your hands full. With no support from the family, that only adds to the frustration. Believe me, you are not alone and I'm happy that you are getting some comfort here.

 

One thing you said made me remember something a nurse told me a long time ago. My mother was only abusive to me. Odd because I was the closest person to her. The nurse said that the frustration, pain, or anxiety level is often high in stroke patients, especially the first 4-5 months. Some tend to take it out on the "safe" person. The person that they know will not leave them. Maybe it is their way of lashing out, getting it out of their system, and testing your love? Who knows for sure.

 

I do know that NOBODY should be abused. Children should not be subjected to abusive behavior. There are no shades of gray in that one for me. You must take care of yourself and your kids first and foremost or your husband isn't going to have a caregiver for long.

 

I personally feel that a med adjustment is in order. Sometimes you really have to find the right solution with a lot of trial and error. Not easy, I know. Time is also a great healer, although I'm sure that right now the months feel like years to you. I wish I had the magic solution for you, like everyone else here.

 

Please take care and keep us posted. I hope you find some answers soon. Keep badgering his doctor and if that doesn't work, find a new one.

 

Kathy

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Guest tgm464

Hello everyone ,

We have a new med this week actually started my husband on it Friday PM , its called Risperdal, hubby was leery at first to start a new med , but I had his Doc explain to him once again that his behavior called for the medication or it called for a trip to the hospital , the doctor let him make the choice, thankfully my hubby choose the meds & all has been calm so far . Ill keep ya posted ,, thank you all !!!

 

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My dad went on risperdal several months ago. it took about a month to see the difference. But let me tell you that I did. My father was yelling alot, scared to death and his mind was creating images he thought he needed to fight. It was during this time that he ripped out his belly cath. It was rough for both of us. Dad is now settled and at peace with in himself about 75% of the time now. I should tell you though that I read a little about it, and some don't think it should be prescribed for cases like your hubby and my dad, that's not what it's for and they say it increases stroke risk. It's been a while since I read about it though. You know how they change things all the time.. dry.gif I'm crossing my fingers for positive results your way.

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Guest hostjerri

Randy was also on Risperdal for a while ~ he was having hallucinations and becomming more & more aggitated ~ which he'd never been before no matter what the circumstances. I would caution the use of it as well ~ or at the very least when he's been calmer for say, 2 weeks, ask if this med needs to be continued. After Randy went off, there was never a recurrance.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Host Jerri

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Tilt4Him

I want you to know that you are not alone. i also am dealing with much the same. with 2 girls 7 & 11. His stroke was Aug 27. I am hanging on to hope & faith and will tell you to do what you need to to keep yourself & your children safe. I also had a Dad who beat my mother so i understand some of what you are feeling.. fear is awful isn't it. God help us all! Lisa <><

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  • 3 weeks later...

My mom had a stroke a year ago and she has turned violent towards myself and my father who is her primmary cargiver... She has also now taken on this loud yell/cry which is so loud that the neighbors called the cops one time... She has these tantrumes and when she gets like that there is no stopping the hitting or the screaming... Sometimes she refuses to take her meds as well and that starts up another tantum... It's hard on my father especially since he had to retire to take of my mom... and now the rehab wont even except her b/c they feel she won't progress anymore... What aggrivates me is the doctors don't help with situations like this they just tell us to walk away from her when she goes to throw a swing. But then the crying/yell starts and that's how the cops wound up coming.. We really don't know what to do myself and my father are losing patience... I geuss I just need some advice on the situation.. wacko.gif

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  • 1 month later...

Hi , Its been awhile since my last post nothing yet has changed ,Still unable to talk or walk without help and the temper is just as bad. He started having seizures about 6 weeks ago , started Dilantin for that. after a week he became allergic to it broke out in an awful rash so now he is on carbatrol, seems to be doing ok with it so far , weve uped the lexapro to 20 mg a day hoping to do something with his mood but still there is no change , he has fits and works himself into seizures because he gets mad if I need to run errands , even after I take him for a nice long ride in the car just to sightsee & I stop at the corner store to get milk , he has a fit gets out of the car and starts to proceed to walk on the highway , mind you he cant walk without assistance and it extremely unstable , but when he gets mad he can sure move , Me & his doctor both know that this is a behavorial issuse and its a control thing with him , but I am getting very frustrated with it , he like a 2 yr old defies everything I ask of him , he wont eat when I offer it to him , he throws it on the floor , he throws his meds , I mean I have been as patient as one human can possibily be .Of coure his family is no help , they continue to act as tho he dosent exist , but boy they come screaming at me when he ends up in the hospital with a seizure " what did you do " they ask , they are all nuts but thats another story. Everyday I try to hold on but it isnt getting any easier on me or the kids.

hugxxxxx to you all

Teresa

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pash.gif

 

Teresa I am so sorry you are experiencing such difficulties. I empethize with your situation, you have been a very strong person to be enduring this behaviour.. Yust one question, how is he with your children, is this affecting them too..

I am not in your situation, so I can not offer you any advice. I do offer you a shoulder to cry on and a virtual hug..

 

I know how difficult it is without having a temper problem. Of course you have been told it is part of the stroke, and probably to be patient.. But let me tell you it is easier said than done.. Right???

 

As far as his family is concerned, don't pay any mind to them..Just tell them if they can't help then to mind their own business.

 

I had the same problem with his family, I finaly put my foot down and told them that I will NOT call them when he has a seizure any more.. They don't call when he is well, why should I call when he is not.. To hear their criticizim,,I don't think so.. The only one I call is his sister, she at least has begun to understand what I go through..

 

Take care and hugs your way.

Angie pash.gif

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Hi Teresa,

When your husband comes to his senses he is going to be shocked at how you have taken this abuse. You are taking your marriage vows very seriously. Unfortunately stroke reveals the for better and worse almost simultaneously. If your daughter is at an age of reason, she may already understand that we don't put things in our mouth that we pick off the floor. This could bear repeating. I hope your husband has no means of hitting your daughter. This would be tragic. His striking you is grounds for you to perhaps find a grown nephew or other adult to stay a while at your home to help you should thinks get violent. I am only guessing here and have had no experience at dealing with violent men. I hope that you do whatever you need to do to stay safe.

 

Don't forget that if you get injured nobody will be there to care for him.

 

best,

Pat

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Theresa,

 

How are your children handling all of this? Have you had heart to heart talks with them as to what is going on with their father? Also, have you had a second opinion from another doctor in regrads to his "fits"? When my mom throws tempertantrums, I just put her back in bed, then change the subject (or try) to something else. I made up a happydance.gif for her. It always makes her laugh no matter what. That has helped with her tantrums. I am sure by now you have tried everything. My mom has never gotten to the point where she hits or yells at me, so I can't really give you advise on that part. I do know that you and your kids need "activities" away from dad to keep all of you healthy and sane!

 

pash.gif

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Hugzz all,

Thanks so much for your response to my last post . 1 of the questions was how are my kids dealing with this ,My husband and I celebrated our 2yr anniversery 4 days before his stroke , so we were still newlyweds so he is my kids stepdad. My 16 yr old is my crutch he has been my sole support through this , he loves his stepdad dearly but tells him when his actions are not appropriate , which inturn sends my husband into a fit so needless to say my son now pretty much avoids him at all costs , My 7 yr old daughter asks me "mommy why is daddy doing this ,is it the stoke? ". I tell her yes & its frustration . Thats really all I know to tell her. And yes he is very loving to the kids he would never put a hand on them or I guarentee you he would regret that move.

His family however seems to think that Im making all this up so I can have him placed in a home , now mind you there are 8 siblings these people have never taken not one second out of their day to call, comeby , offer to do anything period . They are quacks .One of the sisters actually it was the whole bunch but just one sisters name was on the court documents, took me to court wanting guardianship of him & his estate saying that I wasnt taking care of him properly , this coming from a women living 500 miles away who had never even came to see her brother since the stroke. Now notice they didnt want to take care of him you know the bathing , grooming , feeding ,none of that, they wanted me to do that, they just wanted legal permission to tell me how to take care of them ,and control over the house so I wouldnt sell it , not knowing thatwe own more on our home than the home is worth. Honestly I & my attorney laughed at this because he hasnt had any income whatsoever since July and wont be getting SSD for another 3 months & is in debt up to his eyeballs , everything, including the kitchen sink (ha ha ) is in his name so I told her , "you would be doing me a favor because as his guardian , you would be financially responsable for everything , every bill , every car note , every mortgage payment,doctors appointments all the medical bills , his medication , everything. Well not to anyones suprise the case was dropped , I mean these are his flesh & blood doing this to him , unfortunatly with his brain damage he didnt even know what was happening at the time .And do you know that I havent seen or heard for any of those siblings since court , suprising huh ??? NOT !

I have just last week gotten him back into therapy since the medicaid was approved & they come to pick him up & he is out for 3 hours or so 3 times a week. Honestly at first that was torture because he cried & tried not to go , but with much persuading he goes .And I dont feel guilty saying that I love every second he is away , I have put 24/7 everyday since July into caring for him so no guilt is not in my vocabulary.My family is coping with this & praying for some improvments , I still have hope that he will get better though I know realisticly the odds are against him with the brain trauma. keep the faith ,,, I will , conquer & endure ,, I will,,, Be strong in the hardest of circumstances ,, I will ,, Ive done it this long and Ill continue to do so . happydance.gif

 

Hugs to you all

Teresa

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Hi Teresa,

 

It just amazes me how blind some families can be. And stupid!---to make judgements about someone's care (or lack there of) from a distance. They probably don't make contact with you now because they're so ashamed of themselves for having challenged you in court where they found out that they'd misjudged you for being a gold digger when you weren't.

 

I was happy to see in your post that you're getting some well deserved respite and your husband is getting some therapy again. I'm also happy that you've bannished the word, 'guilt' from your vocabulary. Please don't give up on the idea that your husband will get better. It's still early in stroke-time. I still see improvements in my husband and he's 4 1/2 years out.

 

Jean

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hiya.gif

 

Teresa..

 

If you read my first posts you will see that I was in the same boat as you..Except that his son had already rented a house that was handicapped accessible all ready for him, if he won the case.. This son also lives on the coast, never calls, barely comes to visit..

 

I have one up on you, I asked him for help paying our bills while I was in hospital by his dad's side..Instead of doing that he let the payments slide, I was almost 2 mos late with my mt. payment, and at least 6 credit card bills were late as well as 2 car payments..

 

I found out by getting collection letters and calls..He tried to put us in a bancruptcy position so all the bills would be paid..

 

I was considered a golddigger too by his family. The reason for the guardianship they did not trust me because I only knew him 3 years, but I was his legal wife.. angry.gif

 

We found out through a phone call from the GAL, not from the family. They didn't have the balls to even discuss this with us..

 

I also told them that the supposed inheritance that I am wasting away is less than the bills we have, so if they are waiting for one it will be a long time coming..

 

They put us through hell because my husband did understand what was going on, and was totaly against it.. He let his son know not in words but by body language.. He got the message...

It was the guardian that droped the case cause it had no merit..I also had my lawyer working on it.. I made them pay all the legal costs associated with filing, they wanted it taken out of his estate,, idiot.gifyeahrite.gif

 

I had our attorney draw up POA general and Durable, sure it makes me responsible for everything financial, but I am a partner in this and it is my responisbility too..

I told his sons that in the event that their dad would pass,we drew up a new will and in it he has stated that all his worldly possesions are to be left to me.. They got what they wanted from their mothers side when she passed..Don't bother me unless I want to give something to you out of the generosity of my heart.. wicked.gif

 

What family memebers don't realise that this is undue stress that they are puting their loved one through. Not only that but they are also causing a rift between the spouse too..Things have improved in our lives they have left us alone when they learned that I can stand on my own twoo feet, and, stand up for myself..

His sister sugested to me Respite care because she can not stand to be with him more than an hour, he wears her out.. I said shure,, have you got 15.00$ an hour to spare and can you convince him to accept someone else here..

He is stubborn with you not wanting to use the bathroom, what do you think will happen if a stranger is there..

Besides my husband is at the point that I can leave for almost 2 hours that is good enough for me for now..

Sure he has problems here and there but I deal with it when needed and move on..

So you are not alone when it comes to relatives that talkt the talk but don't walk the walk..

 

Happy hollidays and best wishes for your husbands recovery, you are not alone. Yust look at his progress in baby steps,that is what I do and it is working for me. Any slight improvement we celebrate with a hug or a kiss..We laugh, we joke, we cry, we make do.. It is all part of living with Stroke..

 

Angie ChristmasTree.gif

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