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songbird57

Confused & At My Wit's End.

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This is going to be extremely, no virtually impossible to try to put everything down I need to say in 20 words or less. But....here goes.

 

I have had 2 strokes. One in 1989 a month after my son was born; I also had a 2 year old at the time. I had the second stroke 10 years later almost to the day in 1999. So close in fact, that my son asked was I going to do this every time he had a 10th birthday?? :(

 

It was at the second stroke that physicians hand me go out on permanent disability and not go back to work again, fearing the stress of work would bring on a third and ultimately fatal stroke. Being home with my kid was kinda nice since they were in late elementary and early midle school now; a time when they REALLY need a parent at home with all the stuff they go through at school.

 

But, my husband, who has and for the most part continues to be better than most spouses would have been had they had a spouse who had 2 strokes and a laundry litst of other health problems to go along with the strokes, but he continues to this day to be a horribly controlling person, who has an anger management issues, has problems with severe procratination to the point it has ruined our credit and money situation; I have been placed on some form of a silent curfew that I have to be home by that time frame. He, when I told him I didn't want to do it, went ahead and purchased a $475,000 home with an in-law apt. for his mother to live in again, after I told him I was not phyically nor emotionally able to deal with doing this purchase- - - - - -aside from the fact we could not afford the house; I mean the month to month up keep, which i now why we are broke. His mom is worth close to $400,000 but she does not give me any money to help with the monthly bills, and I pay virtually for everything for her. The beginning of January 2010 was the beginning of the 3rd year here. There are things he even has our children dupped at and on his side. The are 22 & 20 years old.

 

Then when I was in a severe wreck in December, he screames bloody murder at me about "not having the money....." (that is the digest and mild version) simply because I told him about some "estimates" I had gotten for rental cars------estimates ONLY!!! Now, he has wasted over $5,000 on a stupid rental storage pod still sitting in my driveway for the last 3 years (and now appearing on my credit card, because he called while I was hosdpitalized in December and put the bill on his card which is linked to mine since I am the master cardholder----and I had told him not to use his card because it's almost maxed out) and there are 3 MGB's cars either inside the garage or scattered outide my new home that he "intends" to retore. Note- we've had pieces of those cars for 6 or 7+ years totally untouched!!!!!

 

And I GET SCREAMED AT, for getting a simple rental car extamate. He spends his entire life comtrolling my every move. I baically spend every night relegated to my bedroom-door shut, because I simply can't hear him scream at FoxNews one more minue, or not watch another gun show. Hw owns the TV.

 

I guess what I'm getting to is, can a Survior have enough strength to walk away from her home??

 

I have plenty of caregiver support on the outside from friends and church, who knows what I've been living with for the last 30 years. Even my primary care physician who believes in the sancatity of marriage, feels that this one is over and I deserve to get out and be happy on my own.

 

I am just totally petrified to say those words to him and make the move to get out, although I know it will likely be the best for me in the long run.

 

Thank you so much for listening!

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Songbird, to answer your question can a survivor be strong enough to leave and live on her own. Yes you can live on your own. I lived on my own with my children in a joint custody arrangement so yes you could do it. Now the question is are you strong enough to leave, only you can answer that one. I didnt have to make that decision as it was made for me 2 years before the stroke. Have you thought of trying to save that marriage by seeing a marriage counselor? If you are certain the marriage is doomed and nothing can be done to save it, I say it is better to be alone than to be alone with a partner or some such thing. I wish you luck and a lot of courage and strength to do what you think must be done. Take care Songbird

 

mc

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You seem to be describing, here it comes, you probably have said it yourself --

 

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.

 

I am going to suggest, because you're supposed to be hopeful and suggest

 

family counseling.

 

Not that I actually think that is a reasonable suggestion.

 

No one can make anyone do anything ----

 

You can't make the members of your family

 

go to counseling, listen or reconsider OR change their behavior.

 

The only person I can change is me.

 

The only person you can change is you.

 

So the single, ultimate question here REALLY is

 

What are you going to do?

 

Rachel, who wants you to protect yourself, because it sounds like no one around you cares about you

but you.

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This is going to be extremely, no virtually impossible to try to put everything down I need to say in 20 words or less. But....here goes.

 

I have had 2 strokes. One in 1989 a month after my son was born; I also had a 2 year old at the time. I had the second stroke 10 years later almost to the day in 1999. So close in fact, that my son asked was I going to do this every time he had a 10th birthday?? :(

 

It was at the second stroke that physicians hand me go out on permanent disability and not go back to work again, fearing the stress of work would bring on a third and ultimately fatal stroke. Being home with my kid was kinda nice since they were in late elementary and early midle school now; a time when they REALLY need a parent at home with all the stuff they go through at school.

 

But, my husband, who has and for the most part continues to be better than most spouses would have been had they had a spouse who had 2 strokes and a laundry litst of other health problems to go along with the strokes, but he continues to this day to be a horribly controlling person, who has an anger management issues, has problems with severe procratination to the point it has ruined our credit and money situation; I have been placed on some form of a silent curfew that I have to be home by that time frame. He, when I told him I didn't want to do it, went ahead and purchased a $475,000 home with an in-law apt. for his mother to live in again, after I told him I was not phyically nor emotionally able to deal with doing this purchase- - - - - -aside from the fact we could not afford the house; I mean the month to month up keep, which i now why we are broke. His mom is worth close to $400,000 but she does not give me any money to help with the monthly bills, and I pay virtually for everything for her. The beginning of January 2010 was the beginning of the 3rd year here. There are things he even has our children dupped at and on his side. The are 22 & 20 years old.

 

Then when I was in a severe wreck in December, he screames bloody murder at me about "not having the money....." (that is the digest and mild version) simply because I told him about some "estimates" I had gotten for rental cars------estimates ONLY!!! Now, he has wasted over $5,000 on a stupid rental storage pod still sitting in my driveway for the last 3 years (and now appearing on my credit card, because he called while I was hosdpitalized in December and put the bill on his card which is linked to mine since I am the master cardholder----and I had told him not to use his card because it's almost maxed out) and there are 3 MGB's cars either inside the garage or scattered outide my new home that he "intends" to retore. Note- we've had pieces of those cars for 6 or 7+ years totally untouched!!!!!

 

And I GET SCREAMED AT, for getting a simple rental car extamate. He spends his entire life comtrolling my every move. I baically spend every night relegated to my bedroom-door shut, because I simply can't hear him scream at FoxNews one more minue, or not watch another gun show. Hw owns the TV.

 

I guess what I'm getting to is, can a Survior have enough strength to walk away from her home??

 

I have plenty of caregiver support on the outside from friends and church, who knows what I've been living with for the last 30 years. Even my primary care physician who believes in the sancatity of marriage, feels that this one is over and I deserve to get out and be happy on my own.

 

I am just totally petrified to say those words to him and make the move to get out, although I know it will likely be the best for me in the long run.

 

Thank you so much for listening!

 

 

It sounds like you need to do what is right for you, and if you are going to leave do it before he bankrupts you. One question, how could he buy a almost half million dollar house without your ok, does he have power of attourney(sp)? If so you need to put a stop to that as well.

One thing you need to do is get your minister involved, make sure he's involved in everything you do from now on because you need a witness. Make sure you are not alone when you tell him, because he has anger issues maybe have a few friends around when you do. He's never hit you has he?

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susan, i am so sorry to hear you are dealing with this nightmare. i understand completely where you are coming from. PM me if you would like to talk further. you have done nothing wrong and if we would go to counseling that might help him. but it sounds like he is blaming you for everything and cannot deal with his situation. i suggest getting your independence back out on your own. he is stressing you out both emotionally and financially , you do not need another stroke. i remember your other post about him and the rental car after your accident. please try to find help for you both if u want to save your marriage. people can and do change if they try hard enough. most times they dont want to, is the problem. i wish you the best in resolving this issue, please keep us updated on how you are doing.

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Susan, I believe you have already started the "moving away" process by detailing the homefront situation in your post. You are the only one who can effect the change you desire. There are agencies that can and will help you.

 

My concern is for your safety. I am hoping there is no domestic violence going on and that your "outside help" would be there for you if there was.

 

Susan, please keep us posted. We are here for you 24/7. We care.

 

Stessie

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I think you have emotionally moved out of the relationship. I would talk to your minister and an attorney to discuss legalities, of the house and financial situation. If your name is on the credit cards, house etc. You could potentially be responsible fot the debts. I'm not sure if your state has property laws.

 

An assisted living apartment might be something to look into. Many have kitchens so you can cook, or you can go to a community room for meals and activities.

Many also have vans or transportation for shopping trips and Dr's appointments.

 

As others have said, it would be good to have someone like your minister or a trusted friend be with you when you give him the news.

 

On the car rental.. some car insurance companies will pay a portion of the car rental until your car is repaired or replaced, have you spoken to the Insurance agency?

 

Make sure you make a list of all community property, a list of "debt" his income, your medical expenses, etc .

 

Best Wishes on your decision. Please try to contact someone who can help you get the information together and help you though this.

 

Bonnie

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Hello Friends!

 

Wow!!I am surprised and pleased at the warm response. I want to try to answer everyones concern's if i can. Most everyone talked about Family counseling- - - been there and triend that.The most recent time, which now is about 9-10 months ago was with my Pastor at my church who met with my husband any I for severalmonths. One problem with counseling, no matter who it is with, is that hubby is a consumate liar ---it runs in his side of the family and he may be aked about an incident or omething going on with me/us and he puts us his facade and every counselor believes him hook, line and sinker. This is even when I have warned the counselor beforehand that he will do this. Now my pator knows that he is not telling the truth about things, but we have not been back to see him, because I personally feel that Mike is so busy I do not want to waste his time on our stuff if Wayne is going to do nothing but end up playing games with both the pastor and me. He didthe same thing with the previous counselor even though I also wrned her, but she started using rough handed techniques with me, like I was the bad person for wanting to talk over and over the isues at point in our marriage. She would scream at me and stomp her feet about how I was not allowed to talk more than 1/2 or 1 session about an issue with Wayne that was a problem, If I did I was "driving it into the ground and hurting him"!!????? Andthis chich was my personal counselor to begin with

 

So, I talk to my pator every so often about my husband,but he knows how I feel about not wanting to set up an official time with him for Wayne to just come in and act and lie for 2 hours. Besides, the last act the our minister gave us to do a couple' exercise was for wayne to take over the finance to take a load of stress off me. You have never seen a man grap a file folder so fast!!!!! Mike (my pastor) wa shocked I agreeded. I said I wanted to see how this got handled by my "perfect huband"

 

Well. this was the beginning of the financial end for us . This was around November 2008 and from then until I finally got them back in July 2009 Hubby was reponsible for all things financial of the house. thant meant all bills sat on the kitched table for 2,3,4 months at a time unopened and therefore unpaid. The power company came out in February to turn the power off for non-payment. And I wouldhave let them but his 86 year old mother lives below us in an apt. and I'm not an evil withch. I called Wayne and sincehe was too cheap to pay the $4.95 fee to pay it on-line, he mailed the check. The man who howed up to turn off the electricity, was nice and allowed us until 5pm. Wayne demanded the debit card from meand I told him there better be enough money in the bank account to cover it. Well, long story short, Going this rout cost him an additional $300 to get the power turned back on vs. the original $4.95 if he'd paid it online like I had originally suggested.

 

The rest of the bill are imply duplicates ofthe same story. We lost our overdraft protection becaue of him and this time becauehe never paid the bills. We had had that overdraft incewe'd gotten married 30 years ago, and I've already checked, we cannot get it back under any corcumstances.

 

 

dear myhome, how could he buy a house without me, it's called CONTROL over me!!!! His Mother's money made half the downpayment and the remaining 1/2 of the downpayment came in all 3 of our names with a loan for the remainder. He did not use any type of power of attorney over me, just his psycological abuse and control over me.And to answer your other question,he has almost bankrupted us because ofthis house purchase. He nover took into account all the increase in utilities, etc that would occur; much less that biggest hit we took the year we moved into this house (Jan2007) was that his employer would change our insurance to oneof those high deducatable plans; meaning that before the insurance coverage kicks in, I have to pay $4,500 out of pocket first and then the insurance coverage will startto cover our doctor viits and precritions and dentist.

 

But, my hubby didn't count on ANY thhing out of the ordinary. The other thing that is wasting money needlessly is the storage unit pod which it in my back driveway. To date; Over $5,000 has been wasted on that POD; but yet, he cannot getthe money from his mother (like our agreement goes) to put in a proper parking pad for me that my physical therapist wanted when we first moved in- -- -that' considered wastful and expensive @ only $1799.

 

 

To friends: My personal phyicians are aware of what goes on in my life and all agree it needs to stop for my health and well being, both my ministers are aware and believe that even God understands that this marriage is not salvagable; and the few close friends--like you--whome I have confided the complete trute in have said the same thing.

 

I just need to find the strength to say those words to him, that it time for me to get out. I need to find a place to life first though I guess.

 

Bless you all for being sokind and supportive during my hour of need!

 

Susan

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WOW so sorry to hear of this situation, Sounds like you need to stop the bleeding and start to protect yourself financially by calling the credit companies in your name and setting limits or cancelling future credit until you can get it straightened out, I'm sure they would work with you and may be able to offer other suggestions to help protect your interests. Concentrate on yourself, take care of you and not knowing what else to say, I will pray for you in hopes of finding a suitable way out of this bad circumstance. GOD BLESS you,

Colin

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hi SUSAN

do what is best for u. if u cannot forgive and etc than u need to do waht u need to do.

 

IT WILL NOT be easy but u can do it.

 

I wish u luck i wahtever u decide.

 

kevin

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Susan,

 

You've already answered the comments you asked for insights on this thread. I just want to add, it's your call, you are right there and know first hand the situations you face. You gotta know when to hold them and you gotta know when to fold them too. :pokerface:

 

Sounds to me it's time to fold your hand. :makmiday: Don't throw good money after bad. :horse: Do what you have to do legally with a great lawyer and you won't ever have to look back.

 

The Rockefeller's did it after 30 years and they had a fist full of dollars. I've done it three times myself and I'm not doing too bad. Just keep praying sister girl, the law is on your side. :D Have a strong heart! I'm a survivor too! :D

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Hello Friends!

 

dear myhome, how could he buy a house without me, it's called CONTROL over me!!!! His Mother's money made half the downpayment and the remaining 1/2 of the downpayment came in all 3 of our names with a loan for the remainder. He did not use any type of power of attorney over me, just his psycological abuse and control over me.And to answer your other question,he has almost bankrupted us because ofthis house purchase. He nover took into account all the increase in utilities, etc that would occur; much less that biggest hit we took the year we moved into this house (Jan2007) was that his employer would change our insurance to oneof those high deducatable plans; meaning that before the insurance coverage kicks in, I have to pay $4,500 out of pocket first and then the insurance coverage will startto cover our doctor viits and precritions and dentist.

Susan

 

 

So you were bullied into it, get everything written down and find a lawyer. Set up an assisted living apartment for yourself as others have mentioned so you have somewhere to go when you confront him that you are leaving (make sure the witnesses are there). I'm sure the lawyer will tell you to contact the credit card companies and the bank that you'll not be responsible for his debts.

Hang in there it will get better once you're out from under all this.

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Thanks to all of you for your wonderful shoulders to lean on and ears to listen to my prediciment, as well as your advice.

 

I had a visit, finally after the break from the problems with my broken lef and ribs, with my therapist and I told her what I had written to you folks and she thought what you all said was really interesting and really supportive for me; she thought it was great. she wishes there was some way I could get out or have some type of temporary seperation. I don't know what the laws for that are her in my state. from my research so far, it's all or nothing; that's mainly for my protection my attorney said.

 

Anyway, Bless you all again. You have made me believe that I can live on my own if that time comes to pass.

 

Peace,

 

Susan

 

 

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well songbird , i am not a marriage counsil, so i can"t really say, but it sounds like you should see a mariage counsil or may be you should talk to your husband about what is bothering you maybe there is a compromising that could be reach by him but to leave your husband is quite a drastic move on your part , have you talk to your husband about what he does that bothers you ?first and formost i would do is i would seek a marriage counsil and get a professional opinion , and then ask yourself what is it that you will have to do that you may need help., and just remember dealing with stress is not good for stroke surviver so if you leave it cwould be very stressful to you but it is probanly very stressful to stay, soAS YOU CAN SEE A PROFFESIONAL HELP IS NEEDED SO TALK IT OUT TO YOUR HUSBAND MAYBE HE WILL BE WILLING TO ACCOMADATE AND SAVE THIS MARRAGE, AND WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN YOU HAVE ALOT ON YOUR PLATE SONGBIRD SO THE BEST THING THAT I CAN SUGGEST IS YOU GET HELP FROM A PROFFESIONAL OR YOU SIMPLY TELL YOU HUSBAND HOW YOU FEEL AND HOW YOU WOULD LIKE A CHANGE AND WHY GOOD LUCK SONGBIRD AND I HOPE THAT THIS IS HELPFUL ,and sorry for the caps songbird

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I haven't been around for a while, so to bring you up to date on where mu reply is coming from, my husband brought me from Indiana to Texas just after i stroked and dropped me off to live in our travel trailer in my daughters yard, that was about 4 years ago, I think I don't do numbers well, at the time I had just started to receive disability from a private insurance who stopped after about 3 months, they sent a letter stating I had to apply for social security disability which i had just done when they stopped paying, long story there but I got the soc security in 2 month from filing to beginning paychecks, God's work not mine, a year and a half later I found out about government assisted apartments, they are for seniors and disabled, and was able to get an apartment immediately, usually a 6 month wait, God's work not mine, and if your question is can you live alone, my answer is with God's help you can move mountains, and yes I do very well on my own, I do have physical and other issues to deal with, I would make a list of things you can not do without help and then look for helps available to use such as jar openers, etc, or post it here and we can all post what we do, looking forward to getting to know you. :yadayada:

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Excellent advice from Lady K...there is help available if you truly do want to leave your marriage.

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So sorry Susan. I have a masters in counseling and by far my least favorite type of counseling was couples. I always ended up feeling the inequity between the two in situations that appeared similar to yours. It is rare to find couples who are truly both willing to work on things.

 

All I can suggest is that you surround yourself wtih supportive individuals and wish you the best of luck in whatever decisions you make.

 

Jen

 

 

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Hi Bird....

 

Wow.

 

I think a lot of folks have given you pretty good advice...

 

If you make a move, you should also brace yourself for the upcoming marathon of stress...

 

Things are usually rocky a bit, so get your head ready for it....

 

I know in my case, post stroke, my Doc told me that stress was one of my risk factors, so I hadda kind of learn how to be laid back...And that's without facing a situation like you describe...

 

You might ask yer docs who are familiar with your scenario about that aspect too...There's all kindsa nasty stuff that can go down during a split....I've seen civilized ones too, but they seem to be the exception to the norm....

 

Whatever you do....Good Luck (a hotshot lawyer will facilitate this)...

 

And remember...we're here for you, too...

 

Care....

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:( Dear songbird what an awful situation you find youself inLike some of the others I would suggest marrage counceling.

Have you talked to you priest about your problem and do you think your husband would listen to him if he was to call

Finally if your answer to my suggestions above is no to both do you have a friend who your husband would listen to. clearly you need a 3rd party to help you. But before you walk out think very carefully about what you can and cannot do for yourself be very honest life is not always greener on the other side As for you credit cards why not phone the company and say you have become disabled can no longer afford. the credit so please cancell all cards At least that way you cant get into any more debt. ^_^ hope this helps a little

host ged

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Songbird I have always believed that marriage was a Holy covenant between 3 Husband Wife and God. The way you detail this out it appears as though the marriage was broken years ago. However if we are to believe in God at all we must believe in the healind power of the Lord. No one but you can decide to walk out of their own marriage. Know if you do that what we have to offer is emotional support. We are here fore you. I am praying that you find the strength the courage and the belief in yourself that you need as you are going to attempt to go against such a formidable liar. Bless you no one deserves to be treated as you have. Karen

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Songebird,

You need legal advice if you wish to save any of your property.

hoststephen

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Again, You are all so wonderfully caring and amazing!

 

Yes, I had meant to say earlier we had tried counseling on 2 seperate occasions and, unfortunatelly, he did the same tacticts during both counseling sessions with both counselors...one of which was my ministor. both counselors knew he was not telling the truth and currently my ministor and I are working to help me understand that's what he is...that's pert of his own emotional problems, that we are leaving up to God. Karen, I too hve always believed as you, as does my personal care doctor, but she said that based on what has happened, and you folks have only heard the tip of the iceberg, that even God would forgive and allow the dissolution of thsi marriage if and when it should ever come to this and my own minister and I have discussed this several times already too because I have worried and cried over it more than once and he said the same, God would truely undrstand as does he and our church. Yes, I undersatnd the imperative nature of the legal advice for the property, thank you Stephen.

 

Bless you all for your support,

Susan

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Susan,

 

You should seek a person who you trust and can give you sound advice. You shouldn't have to put up with someone like that I don't care who they are. That's my opinion. I wish you luck in your problem.

 

 

Bruce Schwentker

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Guest jwhetstone

Dear Susan,

I think it has all been said very well, as above. However, having lived in an abusive marriage my self for 20 years and continued to rescue him until he died, I can tell you you need to go not only to prevent another stroke but equally important, your peace of mind, self esteem and possibly your safety. No one deserves the nightmare I know you are living. Even if you are not being physically abused, we all still get the battered wife syndrome, thinking we can't make it on our own, that we don't deserve to be happy, that we may be no good. All of that is BS...don't listen to any of that! The kind of behavior you are putting up with can easily lead to physical violence. Be sure to have supportive people with you when you tell him and leave the house after you do. Divorce is never easy even when it is neccesary. Just be strong and do what you need to do for your own good. My prayers are with you, dear! Please keep us posted and know that you are in my prayers. Loving Hugs.........Joy

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Hello All,

 

Here is the newest comment for him.....there is a procedure that my psychiatrist and I are investigating that is NOT ECT as I am not a candidate for that procedure since the strokes. The procedure uses the MRI to achieve the same end result without the horrible side effects of an ECT procedure. So, long story short, on Friday when my daughter came home from college I wanted to go out to dinner and he didn't want to go where I wanted to go "because he'd eat too much there" so we ended up some where else. The fact of my visit to my doctor came up and almost with glee he asked if the doctor had heard from the other doctor who is responsible for this procedure. I said no, but that he was aware that they perform it at the University of North Carolina and he asked me to check into that. so, I asked my husband "What do you want to do, fry my brain?" He just hesitated for a moment and then, get this said....."No I just want fix you!" What the hell am I a DOG!!!! that you can fix and all is well with the world???

 

I think I hear him coming, I'd better go

 

Susan

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