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songbird57

Confused & At My Wit's End.

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find a safe place and RUN, RUN, RUN

 

I gave up EVERYTHING, house , custody.............better that, than the alternative, and that didn't seem so bad at times.

 

I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of ever telling me what a horrible person I was ever again. We only communicate by e-mail. I refuse to talk to her on the phone. I have calmed down enough to form a plan to get back some of what is mine. use child protective services, adult protective services. anything. Call Social security, they will send you your SSDI check to your bank.

 

Just get away now. your friends and family know what you are going through. I thought I was alone, too. Let me know how you are..........please personal messenger to contact.

Edited by merichsen
to remove personal email address

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WOW so sorry to hear of this situation, Sounds like you need to stop the bleeding and start to protect yourself financially by calling the credit companies in your name and setting limits or cancelling future credit until you can get it straightened out, I'm sure they would work with you and may be able to offer other suggestions to help protect your interests. Concentrate on yourself, take care of you and not knowing what else to say, I will pray for you in hopes of finding a suitable way out of this bad circumstance. GOD BLESS you,

Colin

i'm so sorry to hear of your situation, i have to agree you need to do whatever you think is best for you, as to whether you can manage on your own, it wont be easy but even so you might be happier that way. i live alone and manage pretty well, i'm 9 years post stroke and still have problems with my left side, problems boy thats an understatement but i manage and you can too ( lets face it , it does not sound like any picnic at the moment :(

take care and best wishes whatever you decide

Jade

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Dear jadegreen,

 

Bless you for your prayers. I sincerely appreciate them and all that I can receive from any source. I am trying to do exactly as you say and get rid of all the credit cards as you say, but believe it or not the credit card companies are being my own worst enemy at this time. Unknown to me (I thought they were sending my husband his replacement card) American Express sent my husband another card with a new number in his name. No letter attached. so I thought it was his replacement card for his card that is in his name. Well, long story short I went to pay his bill and it was very strange (I pay bills via the phone) the new account number in his name was now linked to my outstanding balance and that amount I had to pay was MY minimum balance. Long story short, hubby said that Am Ex said they his bill had not been paid and i told him what had happened----then the next day he said I naver explained what was going on!! What had happened Am Ex, without my ppermission has sent me a credit card in my husbands name under MY account. Now remember, he has his own account that is still linked to my account. Now that we have it straighten out I told him that I wanted this card to be destroyed. He had the audacity to say tha no we should keep the card because it's a "couple's card" Couple's my A__ __, that goes against our credit report which is already trash as it is. I told him he has a card, not my fault it's almost maxed out!!.

 

Sorry to go off on a tanget my friend, but this is the kind of junk that i deal with on a daily basis. Then I deal with his Mother who lives with us, who "walks on water" and when my hands were full of groceries and my cane and I didn't speak to her as she was meandering (she doen't walk well and she's quite deaf--when she wants to be--and she's becomming quite senile)towards the mailbox and standing right beside my car and I barely saw her, I turned into the witch of the day. Because goodness knows she too good to speak to me even though I have worked me tail of my entire married life taking care of her and her late husband and she is living in this house we cannot afford ($500,000) with her not putting in any monies toward the monthly expences. No wonder I'm a "Bit looney" :)

We're doing it only with hubby income and what parts of my disablity income that I'm wiling to give.

 

Oh, dear........I have done it again and i promised, promised that I would not do this to anyone again!! That I would not go one and on about what's happening with me. And before someone says it.......Leaving is A LOT EASIER SAID THAN DONE, especially with my multiple disabilities and my small income. My medical team is all for it, so that part is great. but I have 2 college age kids that if I just uped and left home would hate me, and that would kill me more than actually leaving.

 

Bless you all for letting me talk about it again. If you'd rather. I'll just leave the community and you don't have to hear from me again.

 

Peace,

Susan

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Susan: honey, its OK. This is what we are here for. You rant on baby if it helps. I go off on tangents all the time and I am not dealing with half of what you are dealing with. Right now tho it sounds as if every conversation you have with your husband turns into some kind of confrontation. This is no way to live. I want you to walk away from all of this for a few hours: take a bath, do your nails, read and listen to some really good classical music. Reset your brain. Tomorrow or the next day, sit down and list your problems and what needs to be solved. You already have your lawyer and minister on board. You have the finances back under your care. Cancel all credit cards. I would suggest taking one out, brand new, in your name only, for emergencies. Write down all your monthly expenses and then make a separate accounting for the big stuff that is more than one month: credit card debt, storage pod, etc. Most states are 50/50 so you will be responsible for some portion of the debt. Get your minister on board and perhaps a friend to start looking into assisted living arrangements in your area. That is where you start. Once you get on a waiting list for the living situation, go to your dear mother'in'law and tell her you want first month and security or you will default on her living quarters and take her son for the ride of his life. File for separation, get your minister at the house, tell your husband and go. This all sounds very good, I know. But when you have lived under the conditions you have for as long as you have, this will be the hardest thing you have done in your life following stroke recovery. Keep that in mind every step of the way. You survived Stroke, you can survive anything else. For now take some me time and try to feel good about yourself. Let us know how you are doing. Debbie

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Rant all you want, Susan. We can handle it. Please do what's best for you. I know your reasons. But, please, reconsider and help yourself. You cannot give if you are taking care of yourself. You have so much to give if you can take yourself into consideration. There are people out there who are more than happy to help you. Really.

 

Why? Because you deserve better. You are not a slave. You are human. You are no less or better than anyone else. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your kids will leave home one day and will have to make the decisions on how to conduct themselves in their lives. They can become controlling like your husband is or reject that kind of conduct. What would you do if your kids become controlling?

 

Is it possible to inspire them to help themselves and be a caring human being? Yes, by being an example. And being poor is not a bad thing. It doesn't make you any less of a person. Look, I've been poor before. I got the medical care that I needed. The SSI and medical assistance helped a great deal. I know that the income isn't much, but it's enough to just live by. And there's always food stamps to help with food. Don't be ashamed with being poor and/or homeless.

 

It's so much better than oppression. You CAN get back on your feet. If you get out of that situation you're in, I bet a whole lot of weight will come off of your shoulders because you will not have to be on constant guard and being so extremely careful to not anger your husband. Sure there will be worries and concerns, but things will fall into place sooner or later.

 

I hope I'm making sense, but it's my 2 cents. I support you, no matter what. We care for you. Always.

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Susan: so sorry to hear its so bad for you

Are you able to somewhat look after yourself ?

can U bathe& dress yourself drive or take transit for apts shopping & necessities

If you can do these things I'd definitely consider getting out.

I divorced my 1st husband in my 30's with an 8 month old daughter due to infidelity with my "best friend" after the divorce I had & made many friends and came to firmly believe - one is better off alone with good friends rather than in a bad relationship. the fear of the decision & fear of ramifications would be crippling in your situation

Once you have made the financial separation you will be assured that the debts can't get worse.

If your personal therapist is not working for you -- you have the right to engage another we tend to feel loyalty for our medical providers -- but it really is a business deal you need someone you can talk to about all the legal issures & your responsibilities financially .

Yes,counselling would be ideal but if he won't participate - your money may well be better spent on helping you good luck & turn here often.

Susan. I went from"hating my 1st husband & wishing him ill - to developing a comfortable, non-combative relationship for our daughter's sake and now caring about his well being

Being alone wasn't that bad - good friends to affirm me far more than he ever did.

I think your heart already know whaytU want but the process & fears are overwhelming

Nothing happens immediately

Spen dyour time making general inquiries figuring if in the end selling the house would get you out of debt when it comes to dividing assets & liabilities.

Even spend time organizing pictures & memrobela in case you make an exit culling the garbage & knowin what matters

You can use the excuse it is time to sort stuff "for the kids" in the future ( we never know what happens etc)

unfunfortunately you are stuck where U R for now maybe taking baby steps will help it from feeling so hopeless

 

Remember U can have hopes but try to stay away from expectations

 

Sudz/ Susan

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This is going to be extremely, no virtually impossible to try to put everything down I need to say in 20 words or less. But....here goes.

 

I have had 2 strokes. One in 1989 a month after my son was born; I also had a 2 year old at the time. I had the second stroke 10 years later almost to the day in 1999. So close in fact, that my son asked was I going to do this every time he had a 10th birthday?? <img src="http://www.strokeboard.net/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/sad.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid=":(" border="0" alt="sad.gif" />

 

It was at the second stroke that physicians hand me go out on permanent disability and not go back to work again, fearing the stress of work would bring on a third and ultimately fatal stroke. Being home with my kid was kinda nice since they were in late elementary and early midle school now; a time when they REALLY need a parent at home with all the stuff they go through at school.

 

But, my husband, who has and for the most part continues to be better than most spouses would have been had they had a spouse who had 2 strokes and a laundry litst of other health problems to go along with the strokes, but he continues to this day to be a horribly controlling person, who has an anger management issues, has problems with severe procratination to the point it has ruined our credit and money situation; I have been placed on some form of a silent curfew that I have to be home by that time frame. He, when I told him I didn't want to do it, went ahead and purchased a $475,000 home with an in-law apt. for his mother to live in again, after I told him I was not phyically nor emotionally able to deal with doing this purchase- - - - - -aside from the fact we could not afford the house; I mean the month to month up keep, which i now why we are broke. His mom is worth close to $400,000 but she does not give me any money to help with the monthly bills, and I pay virtually for everything for her. The beginning of January 2010 was the beginning of the 3rd year here. There are things he even has our children dupped at and on his side. The are 22 & 20 years old.

 

Then when I was in a severe wreck in December, he screames bloody murder at me about "not having the money....." (that is the digest and mild version) simply because I told him about some "estimates" I had gotten for rental cars------estimates ONLY!!! Now, he has wasted over $5,000 on a stupid rental storage pod still sitting in my driveway for the last 3 years (and now appearing on my credit card, because he called while I was hosdpitalized in December and put the bill on his card which is linked to mine since I am the master cardholder----and I had told him not to use his card because it's almost maxed out) and there are 3 MGB's cars either inside the garage or scattered outide my new home that he "intends" to retore. Note- we've had pieces of those cars for 6 or 7+ years totally untouched!!!!!

 

And I GET SCREAMED AT, for getting a simple rental car extamate. He spends his entire life comtrolling my every move. I baically spend every night relegated to my bedroom-door shut, because I simply can't hear him scream at FoxNews one more minue, or not watch another gun show. Hw owns the TV.

 

I guess what I'm getting to is, can a Survior have enough strength to walk away from her home??

 

I have plenty of caregiver support on the outside from friends and church, who knows what I've been living with for the last 30 years. Even my primary care physician who believes in the sancatity of marriage, feels that this one is over and I deserve to get out and be happy on my own.

 

I am just totally petrified to say those words to him and make the move to get out, although I know it will likely be the best for me in the long run.

 

Thank you so much for listening!

 

 

YES you can , you have support outside the house, use it, after all you have been through you deserve a better life and staying in your bedroom every night is not living, your children are old enough to see whats happening for themselves and should be able to help you, at least they are not babies. you definately should give it a try, first you need somewhere to live....look into that first. i'm sure it will give you a whole new better outlook on life even if you are on your own, i live alone btw and i'm not saying its easy but its doable what you are enduring now cannot be easy either,

best of luckwith it, Jade

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