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DanBurke

did you get divorced over your stroke?

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Hi,

 

My name is Dan. I'm 28 years of age & 2 years ago I had an aneurysm due to a birth defect which caused a stroke from the brain swelling because it was under too much stress from the aneurysm. At that time I had a wife & a little boy aged 2.

 

After about 3 months from returning home from the hospital, my wife filed for divorce. We were married 5 years before I got sick & I thought we were madly in love.

 

She never cheated on me. (She just took our son & new daughter we had 2 months before she left) to live at her parents.

 

Trying to get my brain to somewhat recover & deal with divorce was really hard. I've since then sold our house & moved in with my parents. When she left, I stayed in our home. It was so hard to go to work everyday, come home clean, & cook for myself. I was WAY to tired. & it's a lot easier now at my parents house!

 

I sleep 10-14 hours every night. Do you?

 

I heard divorce is quite common after stroke. How did it effect you?

 

I figured this topic would fit best in the young stroke survivor section

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No but I sleep alot. I sleep any where from 12 hours to 15+ a day.

My husband is very understanding about me being tired.

Sorry to hear abot your problem.

 

Similar to your story well an analogy is when I worked at an institution of mentally handicapped. People are afraid of what they are not accustomed to. Change in yourself, though not a fault of your own, people are used to outer appearances . When that is changed, they feel that their life isn't going to be the same. Human nature is to be shallow in a way I mean the way I was when this first happened to now is a HUGE change. That's just my opinion

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I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with this.

 

After my stroke my marriage has been under more strain and divorce has been mentioned. We are trying to work things out through counseling. We have a three year old daughter and had to move in with my parents to have more help. We are close to moving out on our own and I hope that will be a fresh start for us. Marriage was hard at times before the stroke but so much harder now. I hope things get better for you.

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Guest TeresaWdeG

I have been married for 25 years, (it will be 26 in two more days), and the strain has caused divorce to be mentioned in our household. Divorce is its own suffering and now added on top of the stroke is a hard load for you to bear. I would love to have the help of my parents, however my dad is deceased and my mother is 83 and too old to help physically. I turned 45 today and am too young to have enough savings or retirement to cover this issue and too old to have parents young enough to help out. Let your parents love you and soak up their care. If you still love your wife, and she hasn't remarried, you can tackle that issue when you recover.

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NO, thank God, I didn't get a divorce over my stroke, but I've had three of them over the last 38 years. So, maybe in my case the stroke was a blessing, this wife says she is not leaving under any circumstances. I'm sure not going to cause any circumstances on my part. :hahaha: :D

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I'm so sorry, Dan. No, I am fortunate that I didn't get a divorce because of my stroke. Yes, we've had fallouts because of our financial situation was not good. The medical bills created a lot of stress in our marriage. But, we made it. We leaned on each other, as we knew that we were hurting. I'm not sure why your ex-wife divorced you. Maybe she had issues that she did not tell you about.

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I am so sorry to hear your story! I did not have a marriage end, but I did lose a two year relationship and the love of my life within three months of having my stroke.

 

I don't know why these things happen ~ my boyfriend said he couldn't handle the ups & downs (rollercoaster emotions)...personally, I think the stroke scared him to death. I was self sufficient within weeks of my stroke, so there was no caregiving involved, that would have changed his life drastically.

 

I know how difficult it is to deal with the stroke (in & of itself), without having someone you love and trust turn their back on you. I hope you will continue to reach out if you need someone to talk to!

 

My heart breaks every day ~ I can only imagine how you must feel!

 

God Bless you!

 

S

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hi dan and even though the divorce rate is high for stroke survivor lucilly i am not one of them i am doing quite well with my wife and we have a family with 2 children and one grand son and yes since i had my stroke i do sleep alot i think that the brain needs lots of rest so i give it lots i am not working i am on long term dhe same but as you recovery hopefully so will your marriage allisability so i am home lots and that is a good thing because now i am home with my family, however it is hard to maintain a marriage as wafter you had a stroke you are not usually

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My stroke hit in college. I was with the love of my life for 3.5 years and we had plans to get married. After my stroke, we tried staying together for awhile, but he told me I was no longer the women he fell in love with. A hard pill to swallow for sure. It took me a looooong time to get over this. I became severely depressed and now I try to offer others support. A part of me had died, I cant deny that. I had become a different person. I dont know how you can survive a stroke and not change somewhat, but I respected what he said and we went outr seperate ways. I lost ties to many friends as well. Many other survivors told me that friends and loved ones sometimes take their distance after you suffer a stroke because they dont know how to deal with that and they just think we need our space. Unforutunately, it leaves us extremely lonely. Breaking up/divorcing after a stroke is really hard and it really makes us doubt ourselves but you have to realize that we have been through so much and many people find our determination and fighting to be an extremely attractive trait. Take your time to heal, but know that someone is out there for you and who will respect you.

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Manders - thank you for sharing your story...

 

I have a difficult time, because I feel like the very best in me died...and what didn't die from the stroke fell away when he let me go.

 

My Dr. Says I'm not emotionally capable of handling this the way I would have in the past...I wonder if I'll ever feel whole again.

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hello dan,

As you can see, your post has touched the hearts of many of us on the site.

Having a stroke and coming to terms it is hard enough.

But having relationship problems as well must be very hard on uou.

You are lucky your parents are in a position to help you.

It all takes time and a lot of patience on everybody's part.

Hope things work out for you. Sending many prayers and positive energy your way

love

anna

 

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Dan,

I am 24 and not married. My stroke was 2 years ago. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. I feel it has put a strain on the relationship, big time. Due to my low self esteem, I told him months ago that sometimes I think he would be better off finding someone "normal". He would hear anything of it and said he is willing to work through this with me, which I am beyond greatful for.At the same time, sometimes he makes me feel like he's creeped out by the stroke, and in denial over it. Which, in turn, makes healing all the more harder for me. In any case, it's a very hard thing to deal with, and there are always two sides to every fence. I am grad to hear that your parents are there to help you out. Just try to stay strong and keep moving forward. I know, I know, easier said than done. All you can do is try. Good luck in everything you do.

P.S. Immediatly after my stroke, which at that time I didn't even know I had, I slept for 22 hours straight! Thereafter, I slept about 12 hours a night. Many days it's hard to make it through without a nap too. It's very normal for a healing brain. Never forget: You are not alone. :hug:

 

---midntstrkr

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My divorce was from my stroke. A bad car accident caused me to stroke in my speech/language area. Within a year from my stroke she stopped loving me because my speech was too hard for her. Stroke in 2005, separated 2006 and divorce finished in 2008.

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Hi Dan. I am amazed at how many do divorce due to strokes. In my case, we were separated for 9yrs and just started getting back together when 2months later my husband had his stroke.In our case it had brought us closer and we have been married 35 yrs.

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My divorce was from my stroke. A bad car accident caused me to stroke in my speech/language area. Within a year from my stroke she stopped loving me because my speech was too hard for her. Stroke in 2005, separated 2006 and divorce finished in 2008.

 

 

that to me sounds like a cheap way out ( im speaking my own opinion)

Im sorry you had to go through that

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Hi dan

I know how you feel. I was about get married when I had my stroke.she breakup within 6 month of my stroke. I was in lowest part of my life.I was not even speak at that time. Thank you Alan

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Hi Dan.....

 

Though I'm an older sort, having a Stroke can be the death knell of many a relationship....

 

I had a long term relationship, which was already on the down side, crash into the rocks, with my Stroke....

 

I was 57 and Single, and had had an up an down relationship with a wonderful person over the decades...It seemed to be one of those fluke things...Either I was married when she wasn't, or she was married when I wasn't...

 

At Stroke time, we were both single, but the stroke put the shutters on permanently...The benefits, are history...<G>....! We are still buddies, though...It was hard to adapt to the change in closeness, but she's worth it...

 

I saw a figure once....85% of existing relationships get messed up by Stroke...At first I doubted it....I do no longer...

 

The bright side is, many new relationships start due to Stroke...

 

Care....

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.Wow 85%? That is so sad. Thank God it has brought my husband and I closer.

 

.

 

change in closeness, but she's worth it...

 

I saw a figure once....85% of existing relationships get messed up by Stroke...At first I doubted it....I do no longer...

 

The bright side is, many new relationships start due to Stroke...

 

Care....

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i was not married when i had my stroke, as i was only 22, but i had long term gf. had been dating over yr. as soon as she realized my prognosis she hit the door running. now because of my immense physical issues it is exponentially harder to find a woman who will look past my foibles. im a smart, confident, witty, relatively handsome man but women just see the wheelchair or that im mute.

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Before we were married, my x-husband died and we had to go to Texas to retrieve my 2 youngest children whom Sam had never met, Sam spent 2 years in nursing school while I supported us financially, a lupus flareup put me in a wheelchair for a year.

 

The year we were married, Sam's father was diagnnosed with a rare form of cancer and had surgery.

 

The year after we were married, Sam was diagnosed with testicular cancer and had surgery.

 

Last Christmas, I stroked.

 

Divorce was never, ever mentioned through all of this.

 

It was stressful. It was painful. It was frightening. It meant changes in our lives. It caused us to lean even harder on our relationship and eachother. It verified that our love for eachother was real, deeply anchored and going to stand the tests of time.

 

We are closer every day. We make sure we take the time to tell eachother we love eachother. We make sure to take time for little things. We never go to sleep angry with eachother. We never sleep in different rooms because of an arguement. We aren't afraid to tell eachother when something is really bothering one of us. We aren't afraid to argue. We aren't too proud or too afraid to say we are sorry. We each do things that drive eachother crazy, but we both want to spend the rest of our lilves with eachother. We both recognize that each of us is not perfect and prone to being a bonehead from time to time. We aren't afraid to forgive eachother for being human.

 

Maybe, if Sam weren't a nurse, if I hadn't helped my mother care for my aunt and grandmother during all of their strokes, if we hadn't already faced so much in our relationship, may then we might not have made it through my stroke together. But we did and we both thank God we have eachother.

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that's beautiful Lydia.

 

I tell my husband everyday he is perfect

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Ive been married for 41 years to my husband I love him more than my life but today he told me he didn't love me and he wasn't coming home. He had hlis stroke in Jan so I guess this can happen to alot of people. We just have to go on with our life and feel bless for our children that we had to love. I wish you all the luck and that you may be happy again

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i have been married 12 years and stroked on our last anniversary. i have three grown children from a previous marriage. my hubby has none and is 9 years younger than me. he is a big rough tough kinda a selfish guy. the night i was admitted in the hospital he slept beside my bed all night. he was terrified for me......he has really shocked me.....he took over cooking, cleaning bathing and dressing me ect. i know he gets frustrated but all in all i am a lucky woman.

 

hugs, linda

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that's beautiful Lydia.

 

I tell my husband everyday he is perfect

 

 

I like that better than the "you are perfect for me" that most people tell eachother. To me, it feels like, if you put a qualifier on it like "to me," some how you cheapen the compliment.

 

Sam and I aren't living in the fairy tale world of romances. We have our bad days. We have our arguements. I just recounted the latest one in my blog post for today. But we always manage, some how, to come back to the fact that we love each other.

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lydia from the sounds of that post sounds like he is a very lucky man to habe you

 

 

Thank you, LEnny. I think we are equally blessed to have eachother.

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