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DanBurke

did you get divorced over your stroke?

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Fortress, Thank-you for your words of encouragement. Your husband is lucky to have you. Becky

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May 2010, my only child was successful on this 4th suicide attempt. I was going through chemotherapy at the time for colon cancer. December 2010, my longtime boyfriend Phil (15 years) has a stroke.

 

It is now July 2012. His physical recovery has been remarkable. Mental abilities too, except for cognitive, relationship, emotional issues. I moved in with him for 3 months after the stroke, by the time I had to go back home, he was driving, using computer, okay with his meds and so on. I still returned to take him to appointments, organized things and so on.

 

So we have spent the past two years in hell. Me grieving about the loss of both of my 'boys'. Him focusing totally on his stroke, I no longer exist. My emotional needs as a bereaved mom are very, very real. To him they are nothing.

 

We have had two really nasty, drop dead fights in the past couple of months. But we have been squabbling for a year now. Both times I walked out if you will, or went home. He can no longer take any emotional issues, never could before. He feels that it is all my fault. So he dumped me, started dating within a week and wants nothing more to do with me because as he says, we will never live together. Hes right, I can't live with him right now. I have my own problems and am working on them. Counselling, returning to school. I can't get over how he has treated me like a piece of garbage and just thrown me away.

 

So a view point from the other side.

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I have had 7 mini strokes and been dianosed with epilipsey and depression. I have been passing out and having seizures since I was 2. I am now 37 and this is the first time I have had any answers. The problem is due to all the seizures and the mini strokes my personality has apparently changed. My husband of 17 years and I are seperated. He says he doesn't like who I have become. I use to be nice and now I am rude, so to speak. I talked to other friends and they agree although since they are at a distance they are still here for me. I don't blame my husband but is there a way to try to get myself back and mend my marriage. We are not talking divorce as of yet. I love him and I know this is no one's fault but I don't want this illness to take my marriage from me as well as what it has already taken. Any advice will help. Thank you.

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Hello, yes I did get divorced, but I don't think it was because of the stroke, I don't think that I should have every married my 1st husband. The stroke certanly put a major strain on our relationship. My ex and I got engaged, and one month later I stroked. I got married anyway 6 months later, and went back into the hospital with a pulmonary embolism right after our honeymoon. We divorced in less than two years, then I remarried about 2 years later, and my ex passed way from a heart attack. I was in total shock. I went through a lot in a short amount of time. The great news is that I remarried and we are working on our 7th year anniversary together! I have a wonderful, amazing, supportive, husband (the kind that doesn't seem to exist much anymore), and I am truly grateul that God brought us together everyday.

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As I write I realize my picture is of me on my wedding day. That is how I see myself not who I am today. My husband doesn’t say it but I know he sees me as a different person. Not as sexy to him because he became my primary caregiver. Our marriage is better than ever but I think it is because my stroke saved it. Before I stroked, my husband was dealing with his own recovery and I was very patient. He was giving up and then... I had my stroke. It forced him to recover quickly because he needed to take care of me. i know he loves me and if we were not best friends before we got together romantically I know we would not have made it.

 

This is a reality check for me, I want to make sure I do everything I can to accept my new self and ask my husband to truly see who that is. It has not been a year yet but I’m hoping I am on the right path.

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He wouldn't be there if he didn't love you. He has his own troubles right now. It's hard to watch the person that you love hurt. Work on you and over time things will get easier. I agree . ... stroke saved my marriage. You'll have up's and down's for he doesn't know what to do or help you. As with the stroke.. take your time. You both will get there :)

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Bruce and I will be together for 27 years this Christmas. Both of us had gone through vey difficult divorces and marriage was just a passing thought - especially for Bruce. In 2006, he brought me an engagement ring. Mostly I think to give me something to wear besides my old wedding ring. Except I am a Nurse and this was way too big to wear daily in my job.

 

On March 6, 2009 he asked me to marry him. I was going off to a Poker Tournament so we set the date for the Summer Solstice, June; ordered wedding rings and off I went. March 22, 2009. We awoke that morning. My sister and nieces were in for birthday celebration. Bruce and I went to pick up our rings, discussed wedding plans with Mary Beth and then to my brother's to celebrate birthday. At 2 am, Bruce got up to go to the BR and fell. The way he fell, I just knew. The rest is history.

 

Flash forward: Bruce is the perfect man. Nothing is more important to him than me and now, post stroke, that is still there, but not much he can do about it. When you find the right one, it is forever. I adore him. I love getting into bed with him every single night. We laugh, cuddle, communicate. Life is surely different now, but not a day goes by I am not thankful for him.

 

You do the best you can. Like with anything in life, one makes choices. You know, in your heart, if you decided correctly. Life is not smooth sailing. As with all relationships, it is time and work; listening, communicating. So in Stroke. Different obstacles, but worth working through if the relationship is strong enough. Debbie

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I am shocked at the stats.

My spouse has been there for me all the way.

 

The bath chores, the toilet stuff, dealing with dentures, dressing etc, always there.

 

I wont say its bliss, but we have been married for nearly 32 years now.

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My stroke hit in college. I was with the love of my life for 3.5 years and we had plans to get married. After my stroke, we tried staying together for awhile, but he told me I was no longer the women he fell in love with. A hard pill to swallow for sure. It took me a looooong time to get over this. I became severely depressed and now I try to offer others support. A part of me had died, I cant deny that. I had become a different person. I dont know how you can survive a stroke and not change somewhat, but I respected what he said and we went outr seperate ways. I lost ties to many friends as well. Many other survivors told me that friends and loved ones sometimes take their distance after you suffer a stroke because they dont know how to deal with that and they just think we need our space. Unforutunately, it leaves us extremely lonely. Breaking up/divorcing after a stroke is really hard and it really makes us doubt ourselves but you have to realize that we have been through so much and many people find our determination and fighting to be an extremely attractive trait. Take your time to heal, but know that someone is out there for you and who will respect you.

Manders thank you for your story& I'm so sorryI although I'm not divorced- yet I had some similarities that I had to mention. My wife of 15 years has been struggling with me( or should I say what my brain left over since last year) I know I'm not the same person she married because of this stroke nonesense but I'm trying so hard to find who I was & all hat I used to be, but I don't even know where to begin!. it took 39 years to create who I was(and who she fell in love with)but only a few minutes to erase. I thought recently about seeing whether or not hypnosis could unlock any thing & maybe helpmefind m ME again.

I too hav

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Mike: I hesitate to chime in here because our Young Stroke Survivors deal with such different issues in relationships than us Oldies.

 

You and your wife are in a time where you are looking at employment, continuing education, considering retirement funds, the babies going off to high school or college, relocation. This is a time where you have finished college, have employment, health insurance - maybe considering a relocation. I called my 40s my time of transition. I quit my job and went back to Nursing school at 42. Our baby was in college, Bruce and I were able to readjust finances for me to do that. And for the relationship, finally some time to ourselves, travel.

 

So really, the only advice I have to share is that Bruce was truly not back to "himself" until about 3 years post. But our lives were pretty set at 60. We had retirement decided, Bruce did want to pursue his Doctorate, but it was not a priority until we decided if we were going to relocate into a retirement situation. I won't say life is easier at 60, but it is certainly more settled. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Debbie

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And nobody, stroke or no stroke is who they used to be......... I heard a very true saying once....men marry women hoping they will never change, women marry men hoping they will change..... In many relationships I have watched this has been true....nancyl

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Hi Dan, I am sorry to hear about your story. I did divorce, but there were so many other factors other than my stroke. I do think that my stroke did not help things, and it did change my personality. I still did everything once I moved in with him. I still cooked, cleaned, and did everything that I could although I was very tired.I slept all the time after my stroke. I took naps that usually lasted about 4 hours at a time and slept at least 10 hours at night- I did that for about a year after my stroke.

 

I actually had my stroke one month after we were engaged, and still got married six months later. The good news is, I am remarried and very happy after 7 years.

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well strange how this is relevant. We are experiencing problems but none that aren't fixable.

 

Before my stroke I was a little 'cheecky' and that upset my husband.. of course

well since my stroke I truly don't have memory of things but that is not to say he changed too. get me?

So we are going to therapy for that next week

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Hi Dan

 

I was in a long term relationship for 7 years and planned on getting married. When I had a stroke the person that I had known was gone by the time I got out of the hospital. It was a very sudden end. It added even more stress when I finally did come home after more than a month in the hospital. You never really know how the most important people in your life will react. I also became apraxic after my stroke which made it difficult to even try to contact or discuss things with her. I live alone so the boredom and loneliness can become difficult.

 

So you are not alone with dealing with this kind of problem.

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