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LSL

Being honest with myself.

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I decided that it was time for me to be honest with myself. After having to quit working again this last September it sent me into that spiral down to depression. I pretty much gave up on almost everything. My body and mind weren't working together, and it bothered me more than I let on to others around me. I spent most of my time down in my bedroom. All I've wanted to do is sleep a lot. I have done this for so long now that I don't have much strength. Whenever I try to do something I get so exhausted that I can't do it. I'm talking about simple things here, everyday things that normal people can do. If I take a shower, that drains me really bad, and that's all I can seem to do for that day. If I try to clean I go into a TIA. I can't seem to organize squat. I've had increased TIA's, and I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I can't handle going in public, I couldn't do that even before I had to stop working. I feel worthless, and I've lost a lot of the hope I used to have. I didn't want to write this before on here, because I see so many of you working hard to attain your goals, no matter how big or small those goals are. I'll admit that there are days that I pray for Heavenly Father to just take me home, because I'm so tired of life. I've tried to hang onto faith, but now it seems to be hanging by the smallest thread. I know that what I've finally unloaded on here may concern many of you greatly. I did start back into counseling last month, so I am seeing a new counselor. I haven't felt comfortable enough to tell him all of this, but when I have my appt next week I think I need to. I'm just so tired of fighting. So, I've written this on here, and I'm finally being openly honest, with all of you, and with myself. I feel like I've hit rock bottom, and I can't seem to find my way back up. I don't know what to do, how to do it, or if I'm even capable of bouncing back from this.

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Hello dear friend~

 

Just had to respond to your post. Have alot to do today but will get back with you.

Wqanted to send you encouragement & prayer and let you know your not alone.

I have been thru all you are going through but feel I need to be here for my family.

We all survived stroke for a reason. Even though I can't go out for a hike ect. any more

I can still be here with with a smile for my family. You've come to the right place to

be totally honest. Hang in there, better days are yet to come for you. You have

faith and even though your barely hanging, on our God is faithful so to you I say He

won't let you fall we are here for a reason. Our Father in heaven does not make mistakes.

Please go see your Dr. & let him know whats going on. When I lost my daughter i

went on a spiral down. She was my biggest cheerleader. Now My Amy is my angel

cheerimg me from the heavens & I asked her to cheer you!!!!!! This life is not for

the weak, but it's ok to say we are weak & barely hanging on. Our Lord has so

much love and will help you walk at your own pace. When I began to excersie i had

to take baby steps & work up to a program with the help of a therapist. So I pray

the clouds will clear enough to see sunshine for you this day & know you are not alone.

 

God Bless you dear one~Nancy :friends:

 

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hi LSL:

 

I am sorry you are going through down period right now. though I will share you secret of my success to reclaim my life back after going through serious depression and feeling of worthlessness. There was no one easy pill but I believe series of steps taken together helped me reclaim my life back. first thing are you taking any antidepressant pills. those pills allowed me to look at the some bright side of my life still left, though I am sure just that itself wasn't enough. for me personally blogging on this site and chatting with other survivors helped me immensely & I am proud to say that I no longer need anti-depression pills. also writing in my gratitude journal every day also helps. So here is my secret. I hope you look into those tips, since I know if it helped me, it can help anyone. I also believe I survived stroke for a reason, and I am going to make my second chance worthwhile to my family and friends.

 

Asha

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Hi LSL,

 

I think you should be proud of who you are and go with that. I was depressed for a while after my stroke but I quickly got over it and have been thinking good thoughts about myself. I also have to thankl God for sparing my life. Life is precious and shold be valued. Trust in God and he will show you the way.

 

Bruce Schwentker

 

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I am on anti-depressants, and have been for over five years now. I also take Xanax, it helps to pull me out of a TIA, or helps keep my anxiety down so I don't go into one. I am trying so hard not to give up, but now it seems to be a daily battle, and it is one of the most difficult things I've had to battle. I need some light so bad, something that will bring me back out of this, and I just can't seem to see or find it this time. I fight back tears all day long now, and if I give in and cry I always get sick, so I keep fighting back emotions and tears. I feel like I need a break from life, because it is not easy. I just keep wondering when all this will get easier, but it just seems to get harder for me. I'm so worn out! I know that what is bringing me down is all my responsibilities, they are becoming overwhelming for me. I have my kids to take care of, and I can't hardly even take care of myself right now. My medical bills are starting to pile up. I used to be able to keep up with them, but now they are getting out of my control. I'm staying in my parent's house, they live in another house elsewhere, but they expect everything to be perfect here 24/7, and I'm not capable of keeping up with the house and yard. I wake up in panic attacks, and they make me feel like life is being squeezed out of me. I don't know how long I can handle all of this. There have even been times when I've thought it might be better for me to be put in an assisted living center, but then I would lose my kids. At times it all seems so hopeless, because I just can't do as much as I used to. I'm losing interest in everything, and I give into thoughts of what life could've been like for me. Yes, that just brings me down all the more. I'm terrified at what is happening with our Country also. I feel helpless as to what is going on all around me. Everything seems out of control. I'm scared all the time!

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Guest LaVerne Johnson

Be encouraged my friend. You have done nothing "wrong". Life can be cruel and very unfair. But please know and believe-God really is in control and he really does love you. As bad as it may feel, you are not being punished, you are being protected. From what? We may never know. But I do know that the God I serve does not "punish" his children, he protects them. Keep praying, let yourself rest in his arms, and He will comfort you. I will pray for you also. God bless. jlj

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Hi LSL, I am sorry you are having a hard time of it right now. It will get better. Dont be so hard on yourself. Turn on the radio to your favorite station and sing along with your favorite tunes. When you are singing, you cant cry. You have admitted to us how you feel. That is a huge first step. Now you have to tell your therapist. If you want help, you have to tell him or her. Now set yourself little goals and try until you accomplish it before setting another goal for yourself. You have to take baby steps at first for example if its housework you want or need to do, start with one drawer. It is important that your goals are not too big so that you set yourself up to fail. Asha had a good idea about the gratitude journal. In all the blackness there must me some light somewhere. These can be what used to be small but now are huge, like you are thankful you woke up this morning, thankful you had milk in the fridge for your coffee, think, there is some good in your life. Hum your favorite song while cleaning that drawer. Open your drapes and let the sunshine in. Please let us know how you are doing. We care about you and we are here to help lift your mood. One of your many friends on StrokeNet,

 

mc

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Hi LSL, I'm glad you wrote your feelings here, that is the first step on your healing journey. If you can ask the Dr for some physical therapy. If you have not been active, it would be really helpful to have someone help you with excersises and getting muscles moving, so you don't injure yourslef.

 

I would also ask the Dr for some blood tests, maybe even Thyroid and for sure a Vitamin D level, it is called OH(25) D . I had to be on a special dose for 12 weeks, then re-checked and then the recommended dose from the Dr. The doctors office said to be sure and purchase the gel caps ( I get them at a vitamin store) they are absorbed better than the tablets. They are not expensive. make sure you check with your Dr for the proper dose.

 

Some high schools have programs, especially for students in sports or those going on trips. Hire a student. Maybe you could find a student to come help they are not expensive to help with yard work, or one to help one day a week in the house.

 

You might try contacing the Local Boy Scouts for yard work, they often help people, and work toward earning their badges.

 

Get all your medical bills together and go to your local Department of Social and health services. There are some programs that will pay medical bills, sometimes just a one time thing, or you may be able to get some on going help.

 

You are reaching out.. that is the first step for help... now keep the ball rolling.

 

Life may be different, and we may be a little slower.. but there is plenty to enjoy. I much rather see the daisy's from this side...

 

Bonnie

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You are all so positive, and supportive, and I really do appreciate that. I need that right now. I decided to take a shower when my kids got home from school, and toward the end of my shower, which wasn't very long, I felt like I was going to pass out. I wrapped myself up in my towel, got out of the shower, sat on the throne, and I banged on the wall and everything until my kids finally came to see what I was doing. I had already gone into a TIA by then, and it really discouraged me. What I'm going to share right now some may not believe, but it is what happened. My daughter took me to her room to lay down, as her room was the closest. I was praying in my mind, since I can't speak during my TIA's. I was asking Heavenly Father to just take me home, that I was to the point where I just couldn't keep this up anymore. I had a thought pop in my head telling me that just as strongly as I wanted to go home, that on the other side I would wish that strongly, if not more, that I had stayed. Then a thought popped in my head, "Do you believe in me?", my answer was yes. The next thought that popped in my head was, "If thou believest in me, then thou wilst stay.". This made me start crying. It was difficult to control my emotions at that point. I've had so many of these TIA's, that I'm sick of them. They wear me out for a few days. That is why it's important for me to keep my anxiety under control. I shared this with my Mom, and she was shocked at what I told her, but it made her happy that I had received some sort of answer, even if it wasn't the answer that I wanted to hear. I'm trying to be calm right now, and allow my body to rest. I'm tired, but content with all your support, and knowing that I'm here for a reason, even if I don't know the reason yet. I will try the baby steps, because I know I can't stop fighting. It isn't easy, in fact it's down right difficult. I'm going to try and keep touching base on here, and keep up with my counseling. I'm holding onto faith really tight right now. I'm also going to listen to my body, when it is tired I'll rest, when I have some energy I'll take some baby steps, but really slowly to begin with. I'm going to try the best I can.

Thank you all for your support, I really need that right now. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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LSL,

I am so glad that you are going to listen to your body. If you are tired you must rest. Stroke survivors require a lot of rest. Do not feel guilty about that. That is recovery taking place.

I am so glad that you heard from God. He speaks to us when we are able to listen. You truly have faith and prayer working for you.

Your post is inspirational. Recovery is slow and hard. You may be expecting too much out of yourself. Anxiety is not helping you...I hope that you are able to find a solution to work around the problems that are causing your anxiety. Bonnie gave some good advice.

Take it one minute at a time until you get better. Slow and sure are those baby steps.

 

Ruth

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Thank you Ruth. When I need to get my mind off of things I paint, you know the paint by numbers, or I do beading. So, last night before I went to bed I made some simple earrings. It got my mind off of things, and helped me refocus my thoughts totally on what I was doing.

 

We get water shares here from a warm spring. Last week when I turned off the pump that waters our lawn, with our water share, I noticed some tiny tadpoles. You could see by looking at them that they were very recently hatched. My kids caught 10 of them and put them in our little aquarium. It is very relaxing for me to watch them swim around. We used to have a couple of small aquatic frogs, and we still had the food that we fed them. I found this food, and I'm feeding it to the tadpoles. I can't believe how fast they are growing now! They've gone from almost see through to getting bigger. This also gets my mind off of other things. In fact I've got to go out this morning and make sure that the water is turned down our way. It's difficult for me to change the water over, and sometimes I need the neighbors help doing this, but it is also fun.

 

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement, and for your support. This has been a really difficult challenge in my life. It is nice to get feedback from people who have gone through, and understand, what I'm going through right now. You all are my heroes! Thank you, and I hope you all have a wonderful day!

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Goodmorning~

 

It's so good to hear there's some light in your life & a ray of happiness. Keep plugging

away. Faith and Hope are two gigantic words and they can carry you through the

trials of life. Our Father knows your pain and suffering & will help you along the way.

Have you ever read the poem Footprints in the sand? He will carry you when you

cannot walk.

 

How old are your kids? They sound very caring and willing to help. It's very good to

hear your story about the tadpoles. And you are beading & painting again. :Clap-Hands:

Good for you!!!! That makes my heart happy~You are my hero for the day LSL! Thank

you. Every sharing of baby steps helps us all continue to walk forward in our journey.

This site has been full of very caring & precious friends who can relate & knows what

a stroke survivor is going through. In my area there is not a stroke support group.

So it has been a great encouragement to me. Take care of yourself & may God Bless

you ~ Nancy

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LSL, When I first read your post on the message board, I could so totally relate to your feelings. So much so that i was terribly worried for you and the way you were feeling. Now after reading your post from today, i'm happy as can be for you. God took the opportunity to speak to you in the midst of TIA, because he knew he'd have your undivided attention. More than that, you could hear his voice. God must answer prayer expressed in earnest, He promised, and you were certainly asking in earnest. So you have to know now that God is with you, the Holy Spirit is always with you for comfort, support and peace. Talk to him whenever you need help. And take the advice given. Have your kids make a list of chores to be done on a weekly basis. They can put their names down first for the things they can manage. Then have them make another list of organizations who can offer services to you at minimal costs or free. There are so many that may be looking for community service projects. Contact your local Masonic Lodges, and DeMolay Chapters and Job's Daughters Bethels. Google Masonic Lodges, and DeMolay Chapters and IOJD.

 

You can only do as much as you can and no more. When your body says rest, you MUST rest, it needs time to recharge. Recovery is slow but your body WILL tell you when you can take the next step, listen to it. I'm so very pleased that you are paying closer attention to it. Baby steps indeed and it will all improve, especially with The Saviours help. I want to hear more from you and you should come into the chat room at 3 and 8 pm. We talk about everything and anything and laugh a lot and joke with each other :happydance: We can help. Stay strong friend and holler if you need us.

 

In Faith

Beth (aliveinutah)

stroke survivor since 12/05

 

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Since my last post I have to admit that my attitude has greatly improved. I can't believe how that one experience has helped me so much. I feel more at peace inside of myself, and I know that I am being watched out for. I have you wonderful people on here that give me so much positive support, and this site is a gift that is priceless. I feel like I'm doing better, even though I still have to rest a lot. It doesn't bother me anymore. I get up and do what I can, which isn't a whole lot right now, but I feel like I'm starting to live again. I think my kids feel the change in my attitude, because they are calmer also. This feels good and right, something I haven't felt in a while. I thank Heavenly Father for my life, as imperfect as my life and I are, I'm thankful for it. I'm so thankful that I found this site. I have learned so much about myself since being on here. I've learned more from all of you than I have learned from any doctor or neurologist. It is astonishing to me that even my neurologist couldn't help me, or give me any answers. Maybe my role in life is to learn these things, and maybe to help others seeking the same answers as I have. Anyway, I just thought I'd update you all on how much better things are going for me now. I may not be 100%, but I'll accept whatever percentage I'm at daily, and live my life to the fullest I'm capable of.

 

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Take care. :)

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oh, no, not me again................. LSL The best thing you did is be honest with yourself, take it one munite, (see how it is,) one minute at a time I got family who think I got nothing else to do, when getting out of bed is the start of a good day. Find, and keep people who will support you. If it's just us, so be it, use the message board, my email is on my profile.

Prayer is good if it helps you. I personally have used mine when the Good Guy saved my daughter.

 

The important thing is that we truly understand. oh yea, a smile works too.

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Guest TeresaWdeG

I got a stroke when I was crying. After that I was afraid to cry for fear of causing a stroke. I had the stroke in December 2008 and only cried recently once or twice. I don't know what the symptoms of TIA are. I had attacks of overwhelming dizziness and couldn't move for several months after the stroke. What happens during the TIAs? Are they for sure TIAs and could not be something else? Wouldn't it make you feel better in a way if they were not TIAs but panic attacks? When I had my stroke two hospitals said I was crazy and experiencing hysteria, so I don't mean to say your symptoms are not real ;-), but it sure would have been nice to have had hysteria and not a stroke.

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This is a great thread. :hug: ^_^ There is hope, even when there isn't any hope. I am glad that you're feeling better, lsl.

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hi there, lsl,

just wanted to add a prayer I found on the net, Here it is.

 

 

 

 

 

St. Ignatius of Loyola Prayer for the Disturbed

 

Prayer for the Disturbed

 

O Christ Jesus,

when all is darkness

and we feel our weakness and helplessness,

give us the sense of Your presence,

Your love, and Your strength.

Help us to have perfect trust

in Your protecting love

and strengthening power,

so that nothing may frighten or worry us,

for, living close to You,

we shall see Your hand,

Your purpose, Your will through all things.

 

~~~~~~

 

St. Ignatius of Loyola Prayer for the Disturbed

 

 

 

 

 

 

cccc

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Thank you all for your continued support, I appreciate it more than you know!

 

Teresa, yes they know they are TIA's, otherwise known as mini strokes. Two years ago I had a headache that made me go into a TIA, and was rushed to the hospital by ambulance once again. The ER doctor decided to do an MRI on me. He compared it to an MRI done the previous year, and confirmed with me that there was more white matter in my brain. This confirmed to them that something is going on with my brain. A few years ago my neurologist tested me for seizures, but they found that I wasn't having seizures. I do have panic attacks, and my heart will skip beats and everything. Sometimes a panic attack will trigger a TIA, and sometimes they are triggered by someone asking me a simple question. Keeping up on my meds helps to ward them off, but when I'm really stressed nothing works.

 

My symptoms when I'm having a TIA are: loss of speech, confusion, weakness down my left side, difficulty walking (I even have a cane just in case), once in a great while I will actually pass out (that happened last year in the spring time), my left hand will clench into a fist so tight that even a grown man can't open my fist (if it's a bad TIA both my fist's will tighten up), dizziness, disoriented, and sometimes I have to close my eyes until my meds kick in. My kids know more about how to help me than the paramedics or even some of the doctor's. They are so cool and calm that even one of the Sheriff's was impressed. They are not fun to go through, because I am weak for a day or two after I have one. Some of the trigger's are: crowds, loud overlapping sounds, stress, panic attacks, and some are just spontaneous. I never know when one will hit, and which trigger will cause it.

 

Thank you all for your support and replies. They help me to be stronger when going through a difficult time. Thank you all so much!

 

Great big hugs for all of you!

Lisa

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