giz2000 Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Hello...I've been a long-time lurker since my husband had a stroke in December of 2008. But things between us have gotten to the point where our marriage is in trouble, and I decided to post here for some support/advice. Let me give you a little background: my husband was 45 when he had his stroke. He was in the hospital for over a month and worked his butt off in PT, OT and speech therapy. Cognitively and speech-wise, he did well right away, but he did lose the use of his right arm and right leg. Since then, he's been able to walk again (with a marked limp, of course) and can now use his right hand way more than he could right after the stroke. He has not been able to get a job because people won't hire him when he goes to the in-person interview. He finally admitted to himself that he is now disabled (he is a very proud man) and is receiving SS. He's been depressed and feels useless (he's on meds and was going to counseling). He pretty much stays home alone all day while I go to work and our son is at school. Lately, he's been blowing up for the smallest things and taking out his frustrations on me. He can be very verbally abusive and will tell me to f^%k off at the drop of a hat. When he gets frustrated because he can't do something, and I'm around, he'll lash out at me. Case in point: tonight he was making dinner (he loves to cook) and was bringing my plate and a glass of wine to the table. He's trying really hard to use his right hand, but sometimes he's not steady on his feet. He bobbled a little and some of the wine spilled out of the glass. My normal reaction was to gasp (that's all I did...I didn't say anything to him at all...his bobble caught me by surprise). He flipped out. He managed to get the food to the table, threw the plate and glass down, and began berating me about how ungrateful I am and how much he hates me. I just stood there,dumbfounded. He's been getting worse lately and it scares me. I don't want to be around him anymore. He's bitter and angry all the time. He won't go back to therapy although he's still taking his anti-depressants. He says horrible things to me in front of others. I have been with him for 18 years and I love him, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. We have a 15 year old son and he's seeing all of this happen. My heart is breaking for all of us. He keeps telling me that he's got three more years of "my BS" and then he's out of here. I am so confused. I promised to stick with him through better or worse, but I don't know if I'll be able to hold on much longer. If you've read this far, thanks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveO Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 I'm sorry to hear about your husband's stroke and how it is affecting both of you. I think you need to get some help for yourself. My wife and I were having some problems a couple of years ago. I never really knew what the cause of her unhappiness was. I talked with her sister because I was worried about her. Her sister convinced me to get some counseling for myself. It was a little scary at first but it was the right thing for me to do. After a couple of sessions she agreed to come with me. Since then our situation has improved. I'm 45 years old and survived my stroke 4 months ago. I had similar problems as your husband when I went back to work. I do contract work and the contract I was on ended at the end July. I had an easy time getting interviews but the in person interviews went bad. I still have problems with my speech and the interviewers just gave the the WTF look when it took me a while to answer the questions. I was lucky enough to have a previous client offer me a new contract which started just last Monday. Except for my speech, I know I'm just as sharp as I was pre-stroke. I struggled a little bit this week but I'm not quitting. Hang in there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lharrison Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 hi giz, i am so sorry to hear that your husband had a stroke, and how difficultfor you and for both of you i really feel that it would be very benifitby seeking some help for the both of you i am sure that he loves you very munch but of coarse having a stroke will change howe your husband will react, at any given situation as you say your husband is a very proud men and so when he tries to be helpful by doing whayt he does for you if he fails by droping something your husband will in fact take it out on him and that is how your husband deals with his anger at making a mistake he takes it out on you so he has to know that everyone will make a mistake noone is perfect and if you make a mistakes don"t beat up on yourdelf and then take it out on me he does love you he is just unable to express himself that is why i think that before youneed a counsullor to help you through this a\ll the best in your husband recovery and in your marriage and just remember that he is a very proud man and not getting a job to be able to help you out is just one more blow to his ego Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fredbird Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 He sounds like he is not happy at all and is taking it out on you because you're safe. Have you told him you won't tolerate being talked to in that manner? Just because he has had a stroke doesn't give him free reign to act any way he wants. I know there are limitations from the stroke and you Katy have to repeat yourself but if he hit you, you wouldn't put up with it. Why do we put up with verbal abuse? Just my 2 cents. I am a strooke survivor from January 2011. I have been caregiver to my husband since 1998 when he developed leukemia. The treatment left him disabled. He turned to drinking. Went through all of that. It will be 13 years on September 7 since diagnosis. His health is still poor but we try to manage. Outbursts are not tolerated on either side. We have God to thank for getting us to this point. Blessings Roseann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvaM Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 I don't know if this will sound helpful to you...but you are NOT alone! Many stroke survivors cannot control their anger and they do have a lot to be angry about. Have you talked to his doctor about this? Is it possible that his antidepressant is not effective? It takes trial and error to find the one that works. Would your husband consider counseling? If not for you, for your 15 year old son... Good Luck! Eva Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdube Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Hi Giz, welcome to the site. I am sorry you are having to go through all this. Being a caregiver is hard enough without having to endure abuse. And you should not endure it. I agree with the others that you should seek help. If he wont go with you then you get it for yourself. I also agree that being a survivor does not give us a license to say or do as we please. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Also here are some links to some good reading to help you understand about the stroke. mc http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showtopic=2094 The Five Stages of Grief http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showtopic=857 A Letter From Your Brain http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showtopic=83 Classic Postings and Advice http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showforum=23 misc. info http://www.ehealthmd.com/library/stroke/stroke_recovery.html Caregivers’ Bill of Rights http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showtopic=781 Caregivers’ handbook http://www.strokecar...rg/handbook.htm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pal Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Hi Giz, welcome to stroke net. I have not posted here in a very long time as our life has been so crazy after my husbands stroke. I wanted to offer you a little bit of help if I can as your story is so close to mine. My husband stroked at 42 he was hit in the thalamus that controls so much so many things. I have spent much time researching brain injury and the area of my husbands brain, this gave me much insight into what is happening to him. His emotions are all a mess. When he had his stroke 4 years ago they put him on wellbrutrin well he could not handle that and it made him have more anger. We have been through all kinds of antidepressants to get his moods to a level point. You should speak to his neurologist and let him know about these out bursts. There is a lot they can do with the correct in put. You should go with him as I know my husband was not very good at talking to his doctors. Also he was in denial for a long time. He has major depression and mood dis order. He has no patients gets agitated easy and has had a major personalty change. Anger comes with this. As far as counseling goes they don't have a clue if they are not experienced with brain injury or stroke. Maybe find a stroke or brain injury group at one of you hospitals. The anger is the hardest part, my husband has gone to 2 mental wards in the last two years and they gave him depocot to calm his brain. You need to get his doctors to hear you about his anger and get their help. He also has on going care with a psychiatrist and is doing much better. We stay because we love them and this is not there fault. It is a very long hard journey [read my old post] I went for help for myself and 4 years latter he has found a counselor and is doing better. I also have a son that was in high school at the time husband stroked. You need to find the kind of medical doctors that take an interest and care, good luck and keep us posted. Pal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fking Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 :welcome: to the site and you'll be able to get some answers here and lots of suggestions. I'm wondering like others have stated if his medications may need changing by now? Then if counseling may have any affects on his attitude toward you? This is not the first time mistreatment's have been done by survivors toward the spouses and I really don't know the base cause. As a survivor myself I have never felt this way towards my wife as she is my soul mate for sure and I'm in my seventh year of recovery. I would guess in these cases like yours that there could be some underlying reasons or problems in the marriage that is just now coming to the surface. I can't see how the mind and brain would cause such a short temperament toward a wife in a long standing marriage or even a relationship. Just don't continue until it's out of hand seek the help you need from authorities like the police if necessary! Fred! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arogers Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Dear Giz, I very much agree that you would really, really benefit from some counseling. I wouldn't hide that fact either. It might be helpful for you to tell your husband I love you, I want to make our marriage work because not only do I believe in you I believe in us. I'm going to get some counseling because I'm feeling really bad about myself and need to know how I can feel better. By letting him know what you are doing he may think twice about not wanting to go himself. If he doesn't, then at least you are getting some help for yourself, whatever the future may hold. It's a lot better to be ready than to be thrown into a situation that completely tears you apart. He needs to be followed by someone if he is taking meds for depression. Maybe he needs a different dosage...maybe he needs something else in combination with what he takes now. Doctors aren't able to read what is going on with their patients and unless they are told something doesn't seem to be working they aren't going to change anything that seems ok. It would be great if you could talk to your husband rationally, but it doesn't sound as though that is a possibility right now. You say you have read a lot about what his stroke is affecting. Has he? If not then he may not even realize things aren't going well and could be better. I don't think anybody who recognizes what is happening really wants to be the way they are. If this is a change in his personality and if you didn't see it coming then chances are it is the stroke raising it's ugly head. Just my opinion...I hope you've seen something that might help...But please, take care of you so you can take care of his needs. Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
becky1 Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Giz, It sounds to me like the med he's on, isn't working well. Counselors are for "talk therapy",and if your husband doesn't want to go, it won't help him. That kind of therapy may be better for you and your son, either individually, or as a family. It would be nice if hubby would go, but if he won't, ya'll go. What your husband needs is is a neuro-psychologist or a neuro-psychiatrist, or even just a psychiatrist to find a med that works better for him. Best, Becky Talk therapy" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallmeRachel Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 What an unhappy family ! The right and obvious suggestions are individual and family therapy. The other right and obvious suggestion is fine-tuning his drug therapy. And that stuff would work --- BUT, you don't have co-operation from your husband or your son. They are miserable, but they are unwilling to do anything about it. The only thing they seem to have energy for is insulting you. Have I described the situation accurately? If so, then what does a loving wife and mother do when she is all alone in trying to make things better? STOP. STOP trying to change them, CHANGE YOU. Yes, I am suggesting that you, YOU go into therapy. Don't try to drag them in, YOU GO. You start taking better care of yourself, because right now you are the only one who cares about what happens to you. (Oops, forgot to add -- there are hundreds of people here at StrokeNet who ALSO care about what happens to you. ME, TOO.) So, #1. You go into therapy to help you sort out your feelings. #2. Whenever they insult you, you walk out of the room. Your new policy: zero-tolerance of verbal abuse. #3. You come to StrokeNet, read, seed, share, compare, rant, chant, make friends! #4. Paint your toenails an outrageous shade of RED. Have we got a deal Giz2000? Rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilkinson Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Giz, not a lot of advice. I agree - zero tolerance to abuse, they open their mouth to insult you, you leave the room. No caregiver needs to have that on top of the obvious extra work you are having to do to keep your household running. Then, strengthen yourself. Go to counselling, yoga, meditation,college, anywhere you can think of to strengthen the inner you. I really don't know why caregivers are so neglected by the medical teams, they work on the survivor but not on the one who is going to look after him or her. We need strengthening too mentally and physically if we are to cope with the new circumstances. Then, make a new game plan and explain it to those who are looking at you with some contempt. This is the deal...I do this if you do that... Then take another day off while they figure it out. My Dad used to say: "Learn to stand over your own feet". That means standing square and looking your opponent in the eye. Somehow that always works for me. Sue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethyl17 Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 Giz: good for you for posting. Hopefully you have lurked enough to be confident in sharing and receiving advice. Please do get through MC's postings, lots of insight there and please do consider our Caregiver Chats. Go up top to Chats and get the schedule, maybe one of the sessions you could sit in on. I agree in that his meds might need some tweaking. Whoever prescribed his antidepessants needs to be contacted. Consider honey that he has been trying to recover for almost three years now. My Bruce is also right-sided affected, although no emotional issues except that he laughs at everything. Took some getting used to but much easier than what you are dealing with. Bruce is also extremely proud. Grew up in an abusive home, put himself through college and grad school, always took care of his own home and then stroke hit him. This past year with 30 inches of snow in 24 hours, an earthquake and lately Hurricane Irene, I know he is beside himself with the responsibilities on me and his inability to physically help. He is a great resource as to information, but all the physical stuff is on me. That being said, I agree with Sue. Verbal abuse is not acceptable. You must give yourself time out but more important is that you must come back willing to put the hurt and regret aside. Once you return, the event is over. Try not to react to spills or bobbles. Point: twice this week Bruce has been put to the floor by caregivers. We are all working on balance and trying to give him some confidence. But today he stood from the toilet, I saw him going over and yelled "Just Sit". It totally shocked and confused him. He did it, but was not happy with me. Said he had it under control and looking back, he probably did. Personally I think he is looking at the past three years, his recovery, the slowness of recovery and that frustration. Foul language is not acceptable. He can vent but with a child still at home, responsible parental response is expected. Try to stress that. Know that I am thinking and praying for you and your family. Please do consider Chat. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
giz2000 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 Thank you all so much for responding. The last few days have been a little better with him. I suggested family counseling and he's agreed. He still has his moments, but we had a heart-to-heart and he told me that he's upset that he's in constant pain and that his life has become one of just staying at home alone all day. He also admitted He used to be a doctor and feels like he's going to waste. Sometimes, I think his medical training makes the whole situation worse because he knows exactly what's going on with his body. I also read him the riot act about not being verbally abusive and he agreed that he's been rough lately. I've adopted a zero-tolerance policy with him on that. Hopefully, it will work... I feel so bad for our son. I went back and read my original post and realized that the part about "three more years of BS" seems like my son said that. He didn't - that's my husband saying those things. My son keeps quiet about most things, but he has some angry outbursts that are totally out of character for him. I know that this whole situation has affected him too (hello, Captain Obvious!). I'm hoping for a good day today...we're all relaxing at home and spending some quality time together. Thanks again for reading and for your replies. I will definitely join you all on Chat...I am so thankful for this board and having the support of people who've been there and understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arogers Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 I'm glad you were able to talk to your husband! I didn't realize he was a doctor pre-stroke. He is going through a huge adjustment. I hope he can find an outlet for his education and experience. There must be something he can do, some way he can use what he knows - even in a volunteer capacity. I know there are a lot of liability issues, but even if he could find a different path... Hope you all had a good family day! Warmly, Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
giz2000 Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 I just wanted to catch everyone up on what's been going on. My husband decided that he doesn't need to take his antidepressants anymore. He's back to being the ogre he was even before the stroke. I spend my time walking on eggshells again. I don't know if I am coming or going anymore. He's just flat out mean. He goes around demanding respect from my son strictly because he is his father. He doesn't hear how he talks to people. Here's an example: I ran out of soda for my lunches. I mentioned that I was going to the store to buy some, but got caught up finishing up some work. He knows I only drink diet soda (I don't drink regular soda because of the sugar). He brings back the wrong type of soda because he says he didn't have his glasses on and couldn't read the box. I mentioned that it's not diet, but it's not a big deal...I'll drink it anyway (just to avoid having him go out again so late). He flies off the handle. He tells me that if I worked out more, I wouldn't have to drink diet soda. I just looked at him, shocked. It was totally uncalled for. Then, totally out of the blue, he starts insulting me and saying I'm a bad mother and that my older son lucked out because his father was the one that raised him. There's a whole backstory to that but I'm just not feeling up to telling it right now. He says he wants to leave me, but only stays because of our son. All of this is happening in front of our son, too. I made the mistake of "defending myself" and adding fuel to the fire instead of walking away. But his cheap shots were so hurtful, I just reacted. I have decided to see a counselor. I had made an appointment after the first time I posted here, but things had improved a little and I didn't go. I need to go. I need to take my son with me. I can't do this anymore. He refuses to take his meds. He says he doesn't need them, but he does. He is not the same person when he is off them. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I need all the help I can get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pwilson18 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 HI I DON T HAVE ANY OPINIONS TO GIVE YOU. I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHT OF AND IN MY PRAYERS! PATTY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethyl17 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Giz: I want you to take an hour for yourself. I do not care that the floor is not swept, or the laundry needs to be done. None of this is your fault and you can not "fix" any of it without his support and willingness to work toward recovery. Take the husband-father out of the mix. You are dealing with a Doctor. He was the "go-to" guy, had all the answers, was responsible for people's lives. People often say to me that a Nurse was always their worst patient. My response was "really, when was the last time you had a Doctor, retired or not, as a patient?" In your case, honey, you have no experience with either. You were the rock, you kept the home running and the family safe. You are responsible for the children's upbringing, the management of the home. He has no clue, except that life was good when he was driving home, off call for the night. This is a control issue and unfortunately, you are taking the beating for his loss of it. I am so sorry that you son is in the mix. Organize. Give him his list of responsibilities every morning. It is a blessing he can drive. OK, big guy here is the grocery list and pick up the dry cleaning. Oh and on your way out, you can take your son to school. This will not go over well initially. Say little, leave lists and go. Do not check up or question. Be prepared with back up plans. It took me a year to get everything organized here and yes, Bruce still balks, but this is your new life. You can eat, or not-your choice-lol. Next step is the monthly bills. Hand him the checkbook and tell him to go to town. I had to check Bruce for about 3 months. Don't even bother now. You are giving Control back as best you can. But there is the underlying thread that life has changed and while no one likes it, this is how it has to be. Lastly, you must work on removing yourself from the outbursts. Take your son by the hand and go for a walk. Talk about Daddy's medical issue and what is expected. Daddy is not mad at us, he is mad at stroke. We are a safe outlet. And do not point out the errors. Congratulate and thank for the positive outcomes. "Thank you for going to the store for me honey. That saved me so much time." Always positive reinforcement. Actually, honey, remember that they do not have "Layers" of thinking. It is one level only. Takes a long time to accept that. I always give Bruce more credit than what I realize is true. He is only very recently considering me into any of his decisions. He deals with himself only. How can he get through the problem, never mind any additional follow thru? That is hard enough. Example: he gets his own toothbrush and toothpaste, returns the toothbrush to the sink, but can not put the top back on and put it in the recharger. That is just too much. Yes, he will get it in time. But just the fact that he cleans up and gets the toothbrush back to the sink is a miracle, in my eyes. That has taken 2 1/2 years. Clearing the table. Brings the dishes to me. Next step is bringing them to the kitchen sink. One step at a time. You must pare down who he is in his own eyes. If home and family were at the back burner for so many years, it will take time to bring it forward. He is still grieving for the "doctor" he lost. You will figure this out. Take some time, take a minute out. Praying for all of you, Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilkinson Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Giz, go to the counsellor this time, whatever happens. You are in need of this and things will not settle for you if you don't. A little better than awful is still pretty bad so don't cancel again. You need it for your own recovery. We sometimes say here that two people have a strtoke. It is like someone chopped off part of you with an ax. The part that was "partner" to you is gone, you are stuck with all the negatives and the good feeling, loving, caring side of your care recipient is gone. Manners and social niceties are aften stripped away by stroke. My husband cannot show affection. His daughter says: "love you Dad." and he says "you too" but shows no emotion, no outward sign. He doesn't cuddle, hug or return kisses. I think he still feels the same emotions, he can no longer express them. He has had six strokes. I have to remember the love we shared, he cannot really remember our life together before stroke now. What you are going through is sad, the bad temper and aggression your husband is showing is not good but it is a part of the stroke damage. Talking to the counsellor will help you get a grip on what is happening and decide what you want your response to be. You owe it to yourslf to give yourself time to work through all of this. Sue. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
becky1 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Giz,You have received some excellent advice, and Ihope you take it- especially the parts about getting counseling. I think that laying this all out to a counselor will help you to understand what to do. I know that walking on eggshells does not work. Because, if you break an eggshell,and an incident occurs, both of you will blame you.. AND, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! He is responsible for his own behavior, stroke or not. If he can't control it because of the stroke, he needs to learn how, and take his antidepressant until he does. In the meantime, since he refuses to help himself, all you can do is to help yourself and your son by seeing a counselor. Know what? Even if you never give him a reason to get upset, he'll find one. Good Luck, Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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