ksmith Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 well I had an emotional break down today. I need help. How do I accept? I can say " I had a stroke" But that is the same thing I use to say in NA..; I'm Kelli and I'm a drug addict' Just words but I just had a crying session with my Mom because I was making up reasons why the things she was doing was making me upset and my husband could do this and that. When It was me trying to find a fault in others to make me feel better. I learn by visual learning. I don't see anything so I can except. I need help with this :Help: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdube Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Kelli acceptance is sometimes hard to reach. For me it was easy and I accepted way before the rest of my family. For me, If I felt like doing something, I did not sit there and find reasons why I shouldn`t or couldn`t. I said how can I do this safely? I remember taking a first aid course post stroke. The "teacher" told me he could not give me my certification because I could not perform CPR the exact way that he was doing it. I got a card saying I attended the course. Who cares? I could still be of help if something happened with one of my cubscouts. I see that as acceptance, I can`t do or be like the others but I find new ways of being or doing what they do. Acceptance does not mean you give up on recovery it means you enjoy your life, the way you are on your way to recovery. Like smelling the roses on a path leading to the lake where you are going to swim. BTW I was a young stroke survivor. I was 30 at the time, Now, not so young but still active, mc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lharrison Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 kelli i am so sorry for you that you had an emotional break down and i think that you are a very strong lady to come out and admitt that you have a problem you are a strong person and admitting that you havee a problem is the fisst step of helping yourself i will always be here if you need me to help you get through this , in fact not ony me but all of the members i am sure it is just one more step in the right direction to recovery , always remember to think very highly of yourself you can make it and i will always be here for you to help you kelli if you would like to talk to some one you can always phone me , all the best to you kelly in your journey of recovery Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksmith Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 thank you guys. See ive been 'clean' for 22 years but with this..... I dont know how? I sound silly but will I feel better? Will I have this 'a-ha' moment? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fking Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Kelli, I feel the big difference is saying "I'm a survivor." I usually don't say I had a stroke to people I don't know or they know me. In those cases they already know. Many people see me and figure I got hurt in the war and am recovering real well. So you know you had a stroke and you know now you have survived, let it go. Be a survivor in your heart, like "been there done that." You are a whole person today full of life for the whole world to see. How 'bout that? That's my help and how I see it for me or you! Try it for size you'll feel the results. Leave all the other things as a "Distance Life Event." That's not you today. Fred! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sebi99 Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Jeez"s Kelli, we don't care if you are or were a drug addict. We don't judge u. We love you like a sister. We only want u to be happy, at peace with yourself and everone around you. When I say we ,I am sure there are plenty of ppl that agree with me. ITS NOT SO EASY TO SEE YOU HAVE HAD A STROKE YET YOU DID. DO NOT EXPECT A NON STROKE SURVIVOR TO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Also My mom knows how to push my buttons to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksmith Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 I love you guys :angel: I just have to get used to the 'stroke' days. My husband said I go through a cycle. every few months. But I have no memory of them so everytime I have a day it is a colosal.I'm proud to say Im a survivor. It just sounds so hollow......ya know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HostAsha Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Kelly: acceptance is hard & ongoing journey. though It took me long time to realize by accepting what your today is you are not giving up, you are just making best out of what you have today. Another thing I learnt in my post stroke spiritual analysis you can not change situation or any one, only person you can change is you, we don't have control over lot of things but we do have control over our attitude, how we would react to situation. as a human being none of us are spared from difficulties in life but it will be our choice it to make it full blown suffering. happiness is a choice so choose wisely. Asha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Kelli, I have trouble too. in cycles. I was always 'the strong one' and people around me say I still am but I feel just like you much of the time. It annoys me when I am what I perceive as whiny and its even worse when others dont notice the invisible deficits that make it hard to be 'me'. I'm just now, a year later starting to accept and to reinvent myself but its hard. I can tell you what others told me and I can even mean it but again, its hard to apply it to myself. I 'see' you and believe in you. I have recently stopped telling people I have had strokes and when they ask me why I can't do something, I say I will work on it but a very wise lady here just recently told me not to explain or make excuses for myself--and since taking her advice the person who was helped the most was me. Those excuses and explanations only pulled down my self esteem far more than it helped others understand. If you are like me and many others here you have already done far more than anyone predicted you would. Try to make a list of what you can do rather than focusing on what you can't. What you can do will help give you the basis for reinventing yourself. And when you have those 'down days' lean on us. We will be there. Jamie :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethyl17 Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Kelli: I am a Caregiver. I only "think" I understand what Bruce feels or is going through, but I can't really know, even after 26 years together. There are mornings honey, when he calls in and tells me it is 7am that I lie in that bed and have to remind myself of the new world I am in. Some mornings I just want to bury my head and go back to sleepland, hoping again when I wake up all stroke will be gone. If I think too long at how he must feel, waking up after a nice, peaceful sleep, body not responding, brain fuzzy: where am I, what has happened, where am I going? I lose it. But he reaches over, gives me a big kiss and says, Honey I need to get up. If he can face the day with that outlook, I can only try to strive to get to that level for myself. "Down" days, "Blue" days. Whatever you want to call them, you are entitled. Do what makes you calm and peaceful. Nothing wrong with taking an off day. You are all so on the treadmill mostly. Step off for a bit. Stroke is not an addiction. It happened. You can blame anyone or anything you want, but in th end, it is the hand you have been dealt. One day at a time and soft, soft thoughts. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdube Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Kelli, I doubt you will have a ha ha moment because acceptance comes a little everyday sometimes very little but some day you will have accepted and will realize it looking back. I hope I am clear in my explanation, I sometimes have trouble being clear. Love you back girl, be well mc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Manders Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Acceptance is a really hard stage to reach. There is no magic way to get their either. For me, acceptance was difficult but I finally reached it once I started looking at my stroke as an accomplishment. I am so proud to say that I am a stroke survivor and I defied all odds, Surviving a stroke is what makes you special.... Everybody in life has a story. Ours is that we survived a stroke. A good friend of mine just had a stillbirth Another friend of mine just lost her son in a car accident. How do they find acceptance? We all have a story. You are no different Kelli. You can either let life knock you down or you can stand up and be a source of inspiration for others. Forget the stroke, you are the way you are because thats how God made you. Maybe you have a short temper, maybe you get overwhelmed easily...etc but that is just you. "Stroke" days happen, but when they do I just breathe and remember that crying doesnt get me anywhere. Asha said it best, Happiness is a choice and I will add to that. Happiness is something we create... Best of luck to you kelli. I love you girl!! You are strong!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Manders Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 lol my mom is my hot button as well. If im on the phone with her and I get even the slightest attitude. She comes back with "did you take your medicine today?" and then I just go off. She sure knows how to p*** me off lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merichsen Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Pumpkin, I kind of think of chasing acceptance like some people chase happiness. Some people spend so much energy trying to find happiness, they sadly don't realize if they just stop and enjoy life, they may just be happy. Early on in my recovery I had a very hard time accepting what the stroke had done to me and I was determined to be who I was before it happened. I spent a ridiculous amount of energy refusing to change anything about the way I was because I was determined that if I worked hard enough I could be tougher than the stroke and be back to the way I was before. I'd have good days when I was all charged up and raring to go and others when I hit the wall when the reality of the unchangeable hit. After countless days of tears, frustration, and angst I looked in the mirror and realized all I was doing was the same as chasing happiness. One day I would look and there would be nothing but an old lady looking back at me. I made a choice. I could waste my life chasing something I finally realized I couldn't change, or accept who I am and focus my energies on improving who I am now and enjoy life. There will still be an old lady looking back at me, but at least to have gotten there she'll have lived. ((((((hugs))))))) Maria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksmith Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 Pumpkin, I kind of think of chasing acceptance like some people chase happiness. Some people spend so much energy trying to find happiness, they sadly don't realize if they just stop and enjoy life, they may just be happy. Early on in my recovery I had a very hard time accepting what the stroke had done to me and I was determined to be who I was before it happened. I spent a ridiculous amount of energy refusing to change anything about the way I was because I was determined that if I worked hard enough I could be tougher than the stroke and be back to the way I was before. you nailed it. you all did and for that I thank you. I had it there but couldnt wrap my mind around the truth. I feel so much better and more confident in my life. I love this place Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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