21 dim outlook on life in general


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Hello all, my name is Hank and I am new to this forum. I am going to get to the point. My mother of 50 had a stroke over 4 years ago and has currently been living in the hosptial nursing home for over 2 and a half years. She is confined to one room and doesn't get out of the nursing home unless we take her out on the weekend. She is paralyzed on her left side and uses a motorized wheelchair to move herself around the nursing home.

 

I would like to say that I love her very much. I have come to view the world differently from the majority of poeple my age. If I sound angry and cold hearted, this has nothing to do with the LOVE I have for my mother. I just wonder if anyone has felt these horroble angry feelings before and if I am alone.

 

Time moving from being an only child of 16 years to a time of becoming an adult of 21, I have a rather negative outlook on life and had developed into a guilty state of trying to realize what I want to do with my life. I feel guilty when I am at school(Junior in College) and at the fast food restaurant where I eat heavenly food as compared to the bland C**p they serve her at the nursing home.

 

My thoughts are very jumbled up and I don't know where to begin.

 

I have debated the issue of (G)god and if he exists. I personally do not think it is very likely at this time. If he is there, he can go shove it. I believe that I am going crazy because I can't get this haunting notion out of my head!: Why do anything with my life as my 'master degree extremely intelligent god fearing mother' was, only to see all that money, insight, grace, wisdom smashed against the wall. I really have suicidal tendencies because of this. I have woken up for the past 4 weeks with the thought of suicide on my mind( not exactly realistically, but the fact is I have thought of it). I don't want to die, but that notion that everything can be taken in such an instant(by a stroke or anything of that nature) will not leave my mind. I can not stop thinking about it!

 

I am in desperate need of speaking with someone my own age. Older crowd is nice, but I want to talk with someone who has had to become a parent to a parent at such a young age as sixteen.

 

Please don't be alarmed at the 'suicide' comment, I am not that realistic about it, but it has crossed my mind before. I cannot do it because I have an obligation to my mother and it would absolutely destroy my father.

 

I do not want to pull a 'Richard Cory', I am very stressed out about school, life, morals, ethics, anger management, girls, paralyzed family member, overstressed father, finacial obligations, religion, heaven hell (or the lack of), family responsibility, soccer, anger, resentment, love, hate, not wanting to hate, the difference between me and others (fools) my age (sorry can't help that comment)... the list goes on. Anyone my age or know how to contact anyone my own age would be of great help and kindness.

 

Thank you, had alot to say and glad I did. I feel somewhat relieved.

 

Sincerely Hank Showers

Cleveland, MS

Home of the Blues (no pun intended)( Really I' dry.gif m serious, look us up)

 

PS: thank you to anyone willing to read what I have had to say

 

 

 

 

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Welcome Hank,

I'm sorry that you are in a dark place right now. I wanted to address a few things.

 

First, even if you don't think you are realistic about suicide, the mere fact that you mentioned it to me is a red flag. Depression is a tough thing to deal with on your own. You don't need someone your own age to talk to. You need an older, wiser person with years of experience helping people that can't get out of the quicksand feeling of depression. Please call a professional to walk you through this.

 

Yes, you are very young to have the responsiblity and worries that you do. But you are not the youngest person to ever go through this. Take it from me; no matter what age you become a parent to your parent is VERY difficult.

 

You have great goals and you are working toward an education. That shows that you are definitely on the right track. But even people that are on the right track can sometimes use some help.

 

Please hang around this site. We do care and want to know how you are doing.

 

Kathy B

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Hank,

Sorry, I'm not 21 either but sometimes I feel like I am. I'm a very young at heart 45 year old . I know that might seem ancient to you, but when you get to this age you'll see what I mean.

 

I'm really very sorry for your situation. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair and slamming against a brick wall is pretty much right on when it comes to strokes. I was angry and depressed when my husband of 24 years had a stroke 2 years ago. And sometimes I still do have thoughts of saying what the f.... I'll just kill myself, but of course I won't because then who would take care of my husband. And don't forget one thing. You could walk outside your door, go to check your mail and get hit by a car and everything be taken away. Accidents happen every day, and come in many forms, such as your mom's stroke.

 

I understand you wanting to talk to someone your age. I felt the same way, but since coming to this site, I have changed my mind. I'm glad you were so open and honest with your feelings. It really does help to get it all out.

 

And don't worry about God, He is there and knows exactly what you and your family are going through. He even understands you telling him to shove it. He did not do this to you or your family. And given a chance He will help. Okay, enough with that.

 

You may want to seek professional help so your life's situations and your feelings don't wind up destroying a fine young man who Loves his mother, is seeking an education and I for one, think has a bright future ahead of him. You may not see it, but I can.

 

Come by to talk, vent, yell, scream, update, whatever. We are here for you.

All the best,

Cindy

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Hi Hank,

 

I won't apologize for being old enough to be your grandmother but I would like to point out that I was once 21 and I attempted suicide both in high school and in my 20s (and I'm gratiful that they didn't have an internet back then, I might have found a better method and succeeded and missed out on a lot of happiness). I also spent a good share of time---spread out over ten years---mentoring a boy whose mother was in and out of a mental hospital. And my husband's mother spent a lot of years in a nursing home plus my husband, now, is right side paralyzed and has very little vocabulary. I tell you all this to emphasize that a person doesn't have to be the same age to understand the pain you are going through.

 

Believe it or not, but we older caregivers go through all the same feelings you are going through. If we do something fun without our care recipients, we feel all the same feelings of guilt. We get angry over having our lives changed in an instant---of having our entire lives dictated by a stroke. We feel all the same stressed out emotions that you are going though. And I (and lots of others here) have had to become our parent's parent. Believe me, being forty or fifty and changing a parent's diaper is no easier than doing it at 21. Having to be a parent to your parent is the most difficult transition anyone in life has to make, in my opinion. We all here on this site share a lot of common experiences, so stick around even if no one in your age bracket steps forward to talk to you.

 

As Cindy and Kathy have already pointed out, a counselor really would help you sort out your feelings and put them in their proper place. It takes time, but there is light at the other end of the tunnel. You have a full plate of emotions to deal with and there is no shame in admitting that you need some help. Anti-depressants might even be in order.

 

You are angry with God because you think that believing in God some how should have protected your mom from life. I'm not a church going person but I do know one thing: God does not punish or reward people for the way we live our lives---good or bad. If the major of people on earth really believed that God does punish people, then we'd all be leaving the injured and sick people in the streets to die, instead of taking care of them. (It would be God's will, after all, their punishment for some sin of the past.) But we can't separate the good and the bad people in this world by whether or not they are susceptible to disease. It doesn't work that way. That's not what the God concept is all about.

 

Believe in God or not. It is not necessary for you to so to find a reason to make the most out of your time here on earth---to set goals for yourself and work towards making the most out of your life. Do it for no other reason than it would make you mom and dad happy. Do it because you will one day be tougher than nails for having gotten through one of the worse situations that life can throw at a person. Do it because setting goals gives us all a reason to get up in the morning. Do it because some day you'll see better days and you'll be glad you didn't waste you're youth.

 

Come back whenever you need to talk or vent. I see you've started a blog here. I think you'll find it helps to record your ups and downs in that format.

 

Jean

 

P.S. I've never read the book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People but I hear it's an excellent book for people struggling with the same issues you are.

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Hey Hank,

 

I too went through a similar experience when I was your age (actually it started at about age 10), which is when my mom started fainting and she would have trouble breathing and swelling in her legs. The ambulance would come and it turned out that she was having kidney shutdown.

 

She was put on dialysis 3 times a week (and always spent the next day after her dialysis vomiting). Sunday was "our" only "good" day.

 

She lived through this until I was 21, when she passed away.

 

However, my mother was a fighter and I knew she was fighting for me!!!

 

The anger you feel now is completely justified. The problem is who do you direct it at????

 

There is no answer to that question. Its not your mom's fault, your fault, your fathers fault, nobody's....

 

The only thing I can tell you is that IT WILL GET BETTER!! The guilt, the anger, the frustration, your beliefs, and your feelings.

 

No, it is not fair that this happened to you, your family, or your mother.

 

It sounds like you are upset that your mom is in a nursing home. If so, maybe there is a way that she can return home. There are a variety of programs out there to assist disabled individuals returning home. Especially those with limited incomes.

 

Stroke recovery is different for each victim. I have read posts from people who have had major recover years after a stroke. There are always new discoveries.

 

I hope that you can find a way to turn your current anger into something positive to support and help your mother now.

 

Become her advocate!

 

Learn as much as you can about strokes so that you can help her recover. Many stroke victims recover to the point where you could never even tell that they had a stroke. Others do not fair as well.

 

However, hope is not something you should be giving up on at your age.

 

At one point, my mom stopped breathing at the dialysis center and they rushed her to the hospital. I was 20 then. We were told that she probably would not make it and to think about funeral arrangements.

 

She lived another year after that and although "I know" there was a reason in God's plan that she lived that additional year, the only thing that I have ever been able to come up with was that I still needed her.

 

The point I am trying to make here is that don't ever give up hope.

 

I am currently dealing with my own "stroke" situation currently and know how frustrating it can be.

 

I will be thinking of you,

 

Steve aka Fritzie

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Guest kbrasher

hank, i'm sorry ( sorrier than you think) that i am not 21 either ( 42). however, i am a survivor and i was ten when my my mother ( 29 years old) was diagnosed with a rather rare type of cancer. nobody actually TOLD me anything, but i was a smart kid and overheard all of the "church" people say things like" how is their dad going to handle THREE young girls once she's gone..."etc....she wasn't expected to live through the surgery.

 

she was in the hospital for weeks. luckily, the cancer had not yet metastized and she survived. however, i will NEVER forget the emptiness, loneliness, fear and guilt that i went through. i TOO hated god. my point, your mom is STILL alive. no, it's not the same and probably never will be again. but she's alive.

 

suicide is FINAL. your mom wouldn't want that for you i'm sure. i have been dealt SO many blows in my life i can't count. just when i think i can't take it anymore, something good happens. give this time. your life is precious and those people who care about you ( and i'm sure there are many with your sensitivity) would be devastated.

 

hang in there hank!!!!!

kim

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Hi Hank, It's all in how you deal with your stress. Life goes on for you.

It sucks this has happened to your Mom. I mean it sucks big time. But your

life continues on and she would want it that way. Find your passions in life

and LIVE. I ride horses.This is my therapy. No matter what happens to the ones

I love, (My world falling apart) My life continues on: working, taking care

of my animals, doing the things I love,. etc.

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

Live damn it...don't get to involved in pysoanalyzing everything. And don't get

sucked into feeling guilt.

No one ever told me that life was going to be easy.

 

 

Taka Chance

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Hi Hank.

 

I am 26 years old and my mom just had a stroke just over a month ago. She is now severely disabled...and by disabled I mean that she can't walk, swallow, she can barely talk (most of what she says is jumbled), she can hardly lift her head. All of this is horrible for me because all I can think about is how vibrant and independent she was before this all happened, and now she is so helpless.

 

My dad passed away from a heart attack 5 years ago when I was 21. So now I feel pretty alone in the world too. I am fortunate I have brothers and a sister, but they are all married and have their own lives, so I haven't seen much of them lately. As for me, I am a university student and without my parents I feel really unstable and scared about just about every aspect of my life.

 

I can totally relate to you!!! I often have those same feelings, but I have developed some thoughts to help me deal with things. First of all, I have come to realize that as you get older, so do the people around you, and with age comes health complications and such--it is just something we have to expect as mortals. As far as God, I too struggle with that, but things in our lives happen for a reason I guess and it is up to you and I to find some positive out of how our lives have been so shaken up.

 

The other thing is this. My dad passed away quite suddenly, so now I feel soooo fortunate to be able to visit my mom whenever I want to. We were told that she wouldn't survive the stroke when it first happened. It has now been over a month, and she is progressing everyday. What gets me through all of this is also taking my pain and anger and channeling it into helping her. I am constantly reading up on strokes, and trying to work with my mom to help her relearn to speak, and being involved in this forum helps too.

 

So I guess my advice to you is well if you are feeling depressed maybe you should talk to a doctor about it...but also, maybe it would be helpful for you to try to channel your negative energy into something more positive like helping your mother with whatever you can, etc. Also, be sure to do things in your life that make YOU happy. I am going on a trip to Vegas next week with a friend so that I can get away for a while and not think about all of the depressing things in my life. Ok, and one final thought...think about the things your mother would want you to do. I know my mom would want me to stop worrying about her and go out and finish my degree, go to Vegas, and whatever. She knows that I am there all of the time trying to help her and be with her, and she appreciates that, as I am sure your mom does too.

 

I hope all of this helps you...it has made me feel better trying to help you too!

 

Take care, and if you need anymore advice or just someone to talk to about things, I am here for you!

 

Lisa

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lisa,

 

I'm so sorry about all that has happened to you. You have got such a grip on what life is about and how to handle it. Keep it up. GREAT POST Above!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I hope you have a great time in Vegas.

pash.gif

Cindy

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  • 10 months later...

 

Hey Hank,

I know that you last posted in Feb. 05' and I guess there's a huge chance that you won't even get around to reading my extremely late reply...but here it goes anyway. I too have fallen on some pretty hard times and in the quandary of these dark days I began to wonder what ever happened to the kids I grew-up with in Jackson, MS. Then that's when I thought about you. I 'googled' your name and I ran up on your heartbreaking post. Somehow I KNOW it's gotta be you because, come on, how many "Hank Showers" could there be in Mississippi??

I do remember your mother the way that she was and I knew her to be an amazing woman! She'd always bring us all cupcakes and candy, and she'd even dress up like a witch for Halloween smile.gif I also remember a lot of times wishing my mom could be more like yours. I know that the both of us used to attend Broadmoor Baptist Church. I think it's completely understandable that you've been doubting God's existence, and because of the curveballs that life has thrown me over the past few years, I too have comtemplated suicide. A lot of the times I find myself outside of myself wondering if I'm insane or if everyone else my own age is just stupid. Sometimes I'm still not sure which is the truth...

I didn't write you to convince you that life is a bed of roses or a bowl of cherries...but I did, however, write this to assure you that you are not alone in having these desperate thoughts. Since quite a bit of time has passed since you originally posted here, I'm almost certain you've come to realize that whether God truly exists or not is kinda immaterial, because life is about the 'here and now'. My prayers (yes--I still pray) are with you and your family.

If you'd like, I'd be very interested in talking with you or whatever... I still have pictures of you, me, Jane Reed, Nathan,...Open Doors field trips etc. if you'd like to see them.

 

Well, I hope you actually read this--but even if you didn't I have faith that you'll definitely find your way through life (no duh!)--you were always extremely smart...so take care.

 

Sincerely,

Kellee Harbin

Irving, TX

 

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Kellee, welcome to the stroke net board, the place with lots of information to share with others, no matter their conditions. I happen to notice the last time hank was active here was the last of Feb, 05. You may PM him to see if he's still an active member.

 

On the other hand, his mother may have gotten better and he stopped coming to the board. She had been a survivor for 4 years when he became a member. You may also click on his name and see if you can email him, I'm sure as old friends, he would love to hear from you in this new year. Ofcourse time brings about many changes, good luck.

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