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LSL

Feeling like I'm nearing the end of my rope!

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If you are really sensitive, please don't read. I haven't been on for a while again. When I get depressed, or I have another TIA, my kids sense it, and they take advantage of me being in a weakened state. It gets very discouraging at times. I can't stop the TIA's from happening, so there are times when I feel like a less adequate mother to my kids. My son just turned 13, so he thinks he knows best, and he thinks he knows everything about everything. He has lately been yelling at me, defying me, and ignoring request's to help out around the house. It's been pretty bad around the house lately in every way possible too. I don't feel happy, I have a really bad sinus infection which caused me severe migrane headaches, I still have the TIA's, we recently lost a dear family friend that passed away, I'm really depressed right now, my kids constantly fight, the house is out of control, and there are days where I honestly wish Heavenly Father would've just taken me with a really severe stroke. I know that may sound horrible, but that's how I truly feel. I don't know that anyone would have advice, or anyone that can relate to my situation. I'm so worn down from everything, and I just don't know how much more I can handle or take.

 

I'll admit that two nights ago my son had gotten so bad that I yelled right back, this is something I've tried not to do, because I wasn't treated very well growing up by my parents, and I don't want to be a horrible parent to my kids. I just had taken my son's verbal abuse for so long that I exploded from holding it all in.

 

I'm still exhausted from being sick, and I've had two TIA's within this last week. Each TIA seems to take more energy from me. If you all are wondering if I have family members who could help out I do, but our counselor has ordered that my parent's not have any contact with my kids. My parent's have been pretty bad to my kids and I, so they are NOT an option in all of this. I just don't know which way to turn, or how to handle things around here. I feel like I'm wasting space, and that my kids would be better off without a disabled mother. I don't know what else to say than that.

 

LSL

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You know what your kid will survive you yelling at him. I promise,----- you are the adult not him. He can not mouth off to you. period... If he is being obnoxious and is the oldest - i suspect he is, you better nip this in the bud or they will all follow suit.. Each sibling is watching what and how he does things. so if you don't want a housefull of that behavior you have got to stop it now.... He knows you don't want to yell or hurt him because of your past. so he is manipulating you right now with his behavior... let me explain manipulation is not something we set out to do necessarily, but something we do reactivley.. so he is not even conscience he is doing it ( we hope). If he talks back to him he needs to loose a privlige. watching TV, playing on computer, whatever. and then stick to your guns. never make a threat you will not carry out. and never let your kid be anything less than respectfull to you and others... learning these rules of life now will carry him far... another word --- do you let him dress like a juvenile delinquent ? I'm not trying to insult- but if a kid dresses a certain way they become that way... i also know depending on the culture of your area that can be a fine line.. all those little things add up to attitude.... i'm assuming you buy the clothes so you can certainley control things like that.. think of it like this on a day you get up shower, do your hair, makeup ect you look better and so you feel better. it works the same way with kids and those little things... I have raised 4 kids and used to be in charge of the safebed program we had for kids in that "limbo state"... get a grasp of this NOW.. and then be consistant ,if you are not going to commit to being consistant then anything you do won't matter.because the next time- he asks or yells and you allow it - so you'll actually set yourself up for it to get worse... RULES, RESPECT,CONSISTANT all part of parenting.. nancyl

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Hi! My stroke was 5 yrs ago Prior to my life was high stress at home and work. Post-stroke, I seem to be unable to handle even smaller degrees of stress.Sounds like you have alot of stress goin' on. Maybe individual and family therapy would help. Becky

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Thank you Nancy & Becky for your input. I only have two children, and he is the younger of the two. My daughter is 17, and finally appreciating me, so she yells at him and defends me. He had accused others of bullying him, but in turn found out that he was bullying right back as well. I just learned yesterday that he's been swearing at school as well. Not only is swearing against school policy here, but I don't allow it in my home. My daughter admitted, when she was probably about his age, that she used to swear, but she stopped, because it made her feel bad about herself. My son on the other hand doesn't seem to have a conscience of any kind. It's very disturbing, because he shuts off when I try to talk to him. He doesn't want me to tell him anything. As far as discipline I have taken away the video game console and the satellite box, so he can't play games or even watch TV. He doesn't seem to care, but his anger towards me has increased. Last night he had a concert that he played an instrument in for school. His band ended their performance at 7:15 PM, and he didn't get home until 9:30 PM. I even called his best friends mom to see if he was over there, and she informed me her son hadn't come home either. I guess there was a fire at a nearby shed, so half the town was there watching the fire department put the fire out, but he knows my rules that I want him home right after anything to do with school, yet he still disobey's. I can't go to the concert's to "babysit" him, due to my health issues. He's just trying to defy me at every angle. My counselor told me that at his age this is what teens do, but that I need to put my foot down and enforce the rules. I've been doing everything they've been teaching me, but he isn't responding to the "Love & Logic" that I've been using on him. He's grounded from friends and everything now, so this weekend he can't go hang out with friends at all. I'm trying on my end to nip this as quickly as possible, because it was like an overnight change! The thing that does concern me is since he's been testing all boundaries my doctor told me my blood pressure was elevated. I'm not surprised to hear this, because I swear I can feel it! I don't think my son realizes that if he continues this way he may just end me without realizing it until it's too late. I feel like I've done everything and tried everything. That's why I feel like I'm getting to the end of my rope.

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Wish I had the right fix for your condition of keep having the Tia's to give you some relief from suffering. I can't imagine what you are facing in this situation so I will pray you can get relief in the family situations and your health too! You have been at recovering sine 1999, a very long time then the operation!

 

Right now I feel you need people right around you that can encourage you at a time like this where your son is giving you too much trouble! Here in my city we can call the police station and have a man or woman officer come out, sit down and talk. They stated the situations and the consequences that can apply should they make the wrong choices!

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Thank you Fred. I've continued having the TIA's, after my two major strokes, since 1999. It is a very long time, and at times it feels like some sort of prison sentence, except my body is the prison. I can't hardly go out due to my health problems, and I find myself, once again, trying to get better from another ailment. When I'm down like this my son gives my daughter and I a really rough time. He is getting individual counseling from a psychologist, and getting individual anger management counseling as well. If he has a bad day he takes it out on my daughter and I verbally, and with his defiance. He even climbed out the bathroom window one day, without my knowledge, and was playing outside with the neighbor's dog. He knows I won't bother him while he's in the bathroom, but the next time I feel like locking the bathroom window, the front door, and the back door to teach him a lesson. He's also been lying to me, and that's difficult for me to take, because I try as best I can to be an honest person. He's heading down a dark path, I feel, and I hope that he can turn back and see the light before he goes down any further. It breaks my heart! Anyway, I appreciate your support Fred. You always seem to know what to say to try and help me, and I appreciate that. Thank you.

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I truly understand about feeling less adequate. I feel that way about my children. My husband is the total 'parent'. I understand being a single mom. I was one too and it was very hard.

Right after my stroke my oldest son moved down to Florida to be with his father. He had every right to go. That broke my heart. Everything I was doing was wrong. It was like looking in a mirror to me. He was JUST like me only this time I wasn't able to fight back. As my parents told me "this too shall pass"

 

Him talking to someone I think it a good thing. He ,to me, is acting out over your strokes. Not your fault but sometimes kids don't know how to act, There is no reason for you to get upset and cause more harm to yourself. In the same turn of a coin,no one can truly get your frustration over this.

 

My son was getting into trouble with the police over stupid things... like stealing crates from a business for a bon fire. My now 9 year old had to grow up fast and knows if he is naughty, wait for daddy to get home. No spanking in our house!! But the fact he is more scared of daddy and not me is depressing.

 

As for you, is their a family friend or relative who can come over and over see some of the daily to do's?

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something that worked for my son when he was that age was we would write letters to each other -- telling me how he feels and i would do the same.. we also negotiaiated things in our letters... by writting he had to think and could maybe see if he was being reasonable on paper... it also kept the "heat" out of the conversation..... try it - maybe it will work... nancyl

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I feel for you and understand toatlly about being a parent disabled to a defiant child or" teenager". My husband & I raised 4 children. We were

in process of adopting 2 when i had my stroke. It wasn't easy raising 4 children w/ brain injury but I tried the best i could. I like what Fred

had to say, if your boy is not home or does not contact you & is taking advantage warn him you will call the police if he is not home.

Sounds like you have taken all his privledges away. How is doing in his school work? My youngest daughter treated me terrible,

We finally sent her away to a boarding school for a year w/ some therapy that gave her life tools. My husband went to the school

from grade school on w/ her problems. She & I both did therapy togehter but never seemed to work when she was about 10 yrs. old.

She did home school when she returned home from boarding school but moved out when she turned 18. She's doing well now.

But a long road for her...Back to you....Your health is more important so you can be there for your 2 children. Life is worth living

even though at times the road gets rough. My daughter who I was talking about gave me a plaque last Christmas says "Whether

you walk, run or stumble...never lose sight of the reason for the journey or miss a chance to see a rainbow along the way."

I thought was specail, spoke to my heart coming from her and just now thought maybe she was also thinking for her.

Hang in there! Keep us posted on how your doing. God's grace is there for you, He never gives us more than we can bare.

 

Thanks for opening your heart to those who understand & care....

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something that worked for my son when he was that age was we would write letters to each other -- telling me how he feels and i would do the same.. we also negotiaiated things in our letters... by writting he had to think and could maybe see if he was being reasonable on paper... it also kept the "heat" out of the conversation..... try it - maybe it will work... nancyl

My kids were 10 and 13 when I had mine. Nobody would take me seriously when I got mad because I would sputter and spit - it wasn't pretty.

I think Nancy has a GREAT idea!

 

Susan :Typing:

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Hope todays a better day for you:) Just checking with you. I may add our daughter

suggested she go away to a school when she refused to go to school anymore.

Best thing we did. She did not want to go to anyone for help like your son.

 

Our son is in the Job Corps & he really likes it. They help you get your drivers

license & High School diploma(which he already has from special ed) He's 21

and was living w/ us until the time to go in Feb. He's taking a trade.

Have a great Day & keep us posted on how your doing. Happy Mother's Day!

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LSL

 

remember we are their parents first.

 

he gets mad when you parent & inconvenience him-- we are not their friends

 

I have a daughter who manipulates through tears & nastinness. her dad is a pushover". I am not her friend and its just a manipulation technique to get her way . I never had boys - but got through jr high - rotten kid time with two girls. Life is not easy you don't always get your way. we don't have to like them .we just love them unconditionally .

I am with my husband , but parenting was up to me - his father would not say “no” – rock the boat nor hurt the child & he was afraid of the kids not liking him. Result a 50 yr old son living at home ruling the roost not willing nor able to take care of himself - manipulate to get his way Claiming sick when there was work to be done. Much like my younger daughter hubby could see his brother’s way & lack of respect for his dad but he couldn’t see in his daughter. I dealt with her crying & making threats to & to get her way – couldn’t mow lawn allergic to it! I dealt with her skipping school & failing – no car no going out – cry her friends get to do it – why can’t she- Then he accused me of being mean - she

She could scream at me in front of him & call me whatever he wouldn’t say anything . might hurt her feelings.As parents we won’t always make them happy – we are not their slaves won’t hurt them to do for themselves – be good for them don’t doubt your parenting skills – all jr hi kids are jerks &selfish & want their own way -- I know at times, runnin or wheeling off the edge of the earth is tempting - you may have needed this crisis to re-align your thoughts & purposes . he will grow up & become human again –albeit slowly hopelessly in love I had a dad who made is possible for me to deal with real life struggles not sugar coating & followed through with consequences no matter how many tears didn’t flinch at my momentary hate was stern & fair taught me to debate my position gave me coping skills. He loved & cared for me & I really respect his parenting I mouthed off Mom once & he was in front of me in an inseconds , raging & letting me know NO ONE talks to his wife that way

I believe God made our babies so wonderful & precious – so we had to fall totally & hopelessly in love with them to get thru the early teen years . it will get better he desperately needs you, your unconditional love , admiration & guidance.

Talk to friends anyone who has raised kids through jr high years will understand & let you know you are not alone regardless of single parent, or strokie- part of their development is finding themselves through rebellion

YES ; this too shall pass

 

Good luck – remember you are the most important person in your son’s life he need s you

Best of luck

Susan

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Hi LSL, I have been where you are. Its not easy raising teenagers alone. I had problems with my younger child too. After the stroke I had problems with discipline and my kids took advantage of that. Do what you can, try the suggestions you received. As long as you show your kids you love them and no matter what they do, that love won`t waver, this stage of defiance will pass. It did for me. Today my son is 30 years old and he has matured and turned his young punk life around. Now he is the most wonderful person I know. He is more supportive than his older brother. So what I am saying is do your best, do not despair, this will pass and you could be pleasantly surprised at the outcome. In the meantime, if you have a friend or a sister who you can be there for you. It would help considerably if you had somewhere to vent. My son recently told me that he had always felt like it was the two of us against the world. I am so glad I didnt turn my back on him during those days when I was at the end of my rope. I persevered and now I have a wonderful relationship with him. Please dont despair, do what you can to raise him properly and love him inspite of his ugly behavior and one day, this will have passed. You will survive the teenage years, I did. All the best to you.

 

mc

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I think wrirting letters is a great idea, it may be easier for him to expres how he is feleing and at 13 boys hormones are out of control. Maybe writing would be easier for him, or maybe he will confide in his sister and she can clue you in on whats going on, has he neen hanging out with any new friends? Maybe he is picking up the behavior from them?

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could be a hundred things with any adolescent.... but control what you can.... give him a leash for some freedom but not enough to hang himself with ( as the old expression is known).. my son and i actually had an old typewritter we did this with --- this was 12 years ago so computers were way more spendy and we did not have one... but set up a rapport back and forth to document what was said- promises made, things that are important to him... I also did contracts with my kids.... there was one kid in paticular i was not comfortable having my daughter hang out with so i made that girl sign the contract as well... her parents would totally undermine me and lie they were sleeping but they were out runnin--- when i found out the whole family was busted... i made a huge scene and made my daughter and carissa exchange all the trading of clothing girls do and absolutley forbade that relationship... i told her and her family if they come near april i would call cops... it created apissy thing for april in school for awhile but in the end it worked out--- tough love... i have handed it out and it works... you dont want to know what i did to my son who was acting like a crazed nut around age 13... i sent him to handicap camp... and worte him a letter saying this is what the world see's when you act like a nut... it worked and he wasent mistreated at camp--- the councelors kinda used him as a peer councelor.. he was the same age so he would show them how to bat the ball or shoot the basket.... people think i'm nuts but it worked ... he came back - changed - not perfect but much better. now that could have backfired and i don't necessarily recommend it... the creativity is what i'm trying to get across.. anncyl

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Great thing about rope, is you can just get more and tie it together, get more length, that way you never have to run out. Kind of like hope.

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