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FriendGirl

I'm in love with a stroke survivor

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Hi Fred,

 

I don't think he likes the fact that I'm willing to be there to this extent for him and others that were in his life prior to the stroke have abandoned him. I guess he resents me. He says he hates it when I'm nice to him. Not to mention because of his previous career he was always surrounded by supermodel types and dropdead gorgeous women. LOL I'm neither. It's a combination of many things but no matter what he does I still love him. Just want the best for him and I told him I was okay with just being friends but now he doesn't even seem to want that. When I ask him why he's distant he either ignores me completely or denies it. He recently forbade me to call him by his real name (which I had been doing for 5 months) and told me to call him his nickname. It's almost like he's trying to de-personalize our relationship. I don't know. LOL I'm beginning to think he just doesn't like ME. I'm laughing to keep from crying.

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I just wish he would let me help him out. I just want to be able to make sure the nursing home is doing their job and that he is comfortable. I don't want anything from him. I want to give to him. Try to comfort him because I read about the 5 stages of grief and I know I can't help him through them but I can comfort him while he grieves. I just want to do for him what I would want someone to do for me. NOTHING about his recovery scares me. There's nothing I read about that I would be reluctant to help him with. He means that much to me.

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Well Friendgirl,

 

I suppose all you can do is sorta be on call and if the call comes in you can answer and if not it just wasn't meant to be!! When you say he was surrounded by those females maybe his heart is into one of them and only time can reveal that answer!! In the meantime I suppose you'll still be in your location some where near his location!!

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I see this well be a topic that is over at this time but if not U would like to share some hard facts in my own life I am living. My husband is 13 yrs my senior (I'm no spring chicken) and we were together 4 years before we married. He had previous heart surgery and knee problems, some colon cancer issues and mostly healthy at that time, some physical walking issues due to actually not being aggressive in exercise to strengthen and keeping muscles working properly so he has weak leg muscles and walking issues. One year after we married, I had my stroke and now we look like twins...our friends don't know which to assist first.

That being said...Friend Girl and BarbieBabie both of you sound fairly young to me and if you are having problems staying now, it's best for all to get on with your lives now. Love can be a funny thing...love between couples who have been together most of their lives sometimes don't make it thru traumatic changes like brain injury. Medical conditions and medications can change persons passions and desires...my husband and I built our relationship on companionship incase the "love" wore out, as in both our lives in previous marriages...now it's love that keeps us together because the stroke has really taken a toll on romantic passions. As a survivor, it takes all the energy I have to carry on a decent conversation...everyone thinks I am doing so good...but they don't have a clue on what's no the inside...we are pulling off the worlds greatest impression of a person so thankful to be alive...anyway, to get up in the morning, take a shower, remember to eat, remember to take meds,whatever we do that will keep us moving, playing games on the computer, getting up if we can and make it to the bathroom, remembering how to take the next step, to look both ways instead of straight in front of us...to stay focused is exhausting and our brain is close to overload...and then we have to deal with divorces and custody battles of previous life or previous hurts from years in the past and I do understand that first hand myself....we can't even help ourselves and we can't be held responsible for putting your life together. Stress is extremely fatiguing and rather than argue or have to deal with emotional issues...I will shut everybody out....it hurts...we live with a terrible discomfort..not actually a pain like migrane or appendicitus...but a 24/7 discomfort that is a constant irritation, nagging aches and so on and on. I hate to be rude but someone 3 years from stroke can not handle stress and drama. Both these men may have done you ladies a favor...sorry if my opinion has offended anyone, but I am on overload now, so I quit.

As a survivor, I really try to be and do the best I can to take some of the load off my spouse/caregiver...there are just many days that there was not enough energy left for "try". Mental fatigue can be a killer. Forgive us, please, tomorrow will be another day, we all Hope!

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Hi its not that I don't WANT to stay. He doesn't want me. I just don't know why he doesn't want me. I love him but I'm not sure if he loves me is what it boils down to.

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Oh Barb you didn't offend me. I love you for your honest feedback.

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Friend Girl...I think we all have been trying to tell you that your friend must be in overload and really has not a clue what he wants or does not want...loke most men, he does not want to be pressured...how has his divorce and custody fight come out? That had to be an overwhelming experience for someone coming out of a stroke...he definitely needs a good friend on the sidelines...just don't expect him to commit to any thing, I'm sure he has more than he can handle and don't even expect him to feel love at all right now. How old are you and he, have you been married before and do you have children. When you briefly met him prior to stroke, was that online and you knew at that time he was married. How long had he been married and how old wis the daughter...if they were in a custody battle, she must be a minor...how long did you commuicate online before actually meeting...just so many unknowns and he is most likely pretty lost in his prior life and his now life...hard situation for anyone to deal with!

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Friend Girl...I think we all have been trying to tell you that your friend must be in overload and really has not a clue what he wants or does not want...loke most men, he does not want to be pressured...how has his divorce and custody fight come out? That had to be an overwhelming experience for someone coming out of a stroke...he definitely needs a good friend on the sidelines...just don't expect him to commit to any thing, I'm sure he has more than he can handle and don't even expect him to feel love at all right now. How old are you and he, have you been married before and do you have children. When you briefly met him prior to stroke, was that online and you knew at that time he was married. How long had he been married and how old wis the daughter...if they were in a custody battle, she must be a minor...how long did you commuicate online before actually meeting...just so many unknowns and he is most likely pretty lost in his prior life and his now life...hard situation for anyone to deal with!

 

 

Well said :goodjob:

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Hey!!! He wasn't married just involved... Child is very young. But we had a nice visit. I think we'll be ok. I may have been moving too fast.

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Well, I hope it all works out in the end and you can be happy in the situation!! You love him so at some point it will solve out for both of you I'm sure!!

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Hi Fred! Guess what? He's thinking about coming home with me but he thinks I can't handle his care. I'm sure I can!

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Your heart is in it and his heart is too so be truthful in all you say and he will too while he get to see all you can handle!! Every other woman married to a stroke survivor is handling the same thing from their hearts! Then if for what ever reason he needs more time I don't think that will be a problem with you!!

 

I left the hospital in a WC using a quad cane then learned to walk using a regular cane, then started driving again and now at 9 years recovering I can do all I did prior to the stroke just slower!! I'm very much in love with my wife for staying by my side!!

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Hi. Back.. just doing a little venting. He's gonna need more time. I know that. Guess I pressed a little too hard. He said I was talking about "dumb sh*t" and ignored me for a few days. That stung a little bit. But I understand. Told him I wouldn't bring it up anymore. I don't want to alienate him.. I'm just so worried. I keep telling myself to calm down. We want so much to see the ones we love in a good environment and happy but we can't forget that ultimately it's their decision. He has to make it on his own. I get that..

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FriendGirl,

 

Great, you understand the situation at hand so play your cards accordingly, OK?? Time is on your side and all stroke survivors need lots of free time to heal and recover a bit!! The way his body is now is all new to him and he has to make many adjustments in the mind he has left!!!!

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A normal (but uncomfortable!) part of getting older is needing help to do things that we used to be capable of doing for ourselves. Guys in particular can find this a hard transition to make....

 

Surviving a stroke means going through 20-40 years worth of that process in about a week or maybe two. That doesn't make it any easier.

 

My suggestion would be to focus on appreciating what he CAN do, and hope that helps. I know that I found it very encouraging to be able to walk the four blocks to the burger place and back (with an insulated bag to keep the food warm) and so, very literally, "put supper on the table" for our household. It made me feel that I could still provide....

 

Penn

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Hi there. We live together now and that was a discussion we had recently. He was feeling very down about not being able to help me unpack in our new place. I assured him that he helps me in so many other ways... He's been in a nursing home for over two years. So he let me know that this is a HUGE adjustment for him. We just take things one day at a time and I believe we can get him to his best health possible. We have pets and his mood has improved drastically.

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Great news, you been working on this relationship with careful thinking for some time so move in together has occurred and I pray things work out like the two of you have imagined in being under one roof together. I hope the hearts can mend together and a new way of life can be achieved and many happy days ahead. I think I told you "It just takes time".

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Hi FG ive been following your thread and im happy for you both

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Just be their for i him. I had the same thing But i wen't an got help I don't if it will help u are not what i had was Bipola . I have been readying up on it. The Bipolar cancome with the stroke some times . Take care wish you the best .

 

 

 

 

 

Little Jo :thumbsu:

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I know we have quite a road ahead of us. He's telling me now he doesn't want a relationship. So he's going to move into the spare bedroom. I don't know whether its really because he doesn't love me like I love him or if its because as he says his priorities are getting out of the wheelchair and his kids. I think he's overwhelmed so I'm gonna continue to take it slow with him and give him space and opportunity to adjust and have his own space and privacy.

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