SweetMom

Putting my foot down

27 posts in this topic

I realized a long time ago that shopping with my husband was a horrible experience and before I had my strokes, I didn't have to worry about it. Once I had my strokes and couldn't drive anymore, and became  dependent upon him to take me shopping or to just get out of the house, I realized he made it seem like I was imposing on him. It was worse than horrible. The guilt inflicted on me was unconsolable. I was stressed to the max and still trying to recover from the strokes. After one particular shopping episode that left me so mad at him for treating me like I was imposing on him, in public, I snapped. He had been doing this for almost 6 months, so it was a little late on my part, but better late than never. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him, he said No. So I said "Ok, well if you don't start treating me a little better, then I am going to leave." Now mind you, I would not just go to a hotel, I would have to call my sons, tell them how he's been treating me, and ask them to come get me. He does not want anyone to know he is mistreating me, in any form or fashion. So far, he's been a lot better. I'm not being unreasonable, by asking too much of him. Most weekends, I don't go out anywhere, but there are times when I need things. Or just need to get out and away from the house. Being in a wheelchair isn't easy. I still can't walk very far, but I'm working on it. I could take a cab, but the cab co here is just nasty. Cabs are filthy. Public trans doesn't go in the county. All of my (so called) friends disappeared. Go figure. Anyway, I am hoping that he continues to be nice so I don't have to tell my sons about this. My sons are not his sons and are very protective of me. His son tried to be somewhat bossy to me, but I lit into him letting him know this is my house. 

So now that I've put my foot down, I'm hoping things will get better on the homefront.

 

SweetMom 

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I can understand where you are coming from trust me in the beginning of my stroke days I prayed I would never have that to worry about and I'm blessed it didn't happen to me in any form or fashion....

 

I hope for your sake things will get better at home and I am so glad in this fourth marriage it is a blessing beyond explanation for both of us....

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you certainly don't need two problems.  you did well to be clear about what you need and what you would do. I am a little surprised by his seemingly lack of caring.  its funny as I left my wife ~20 years ago, had to, to get away from her anger at me, but I know that if she was in a situation that she needed me, I would never have left. best wishes on your relationship.

 

david

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I really don't think it was a lack of caring on his part as he was burned out before it really began. He burned out that 1st week I was home from rehab. He is the head in the sand type. Pretty much had to pull his head outta the sand, kick him in the ass and make him pay attention. He is on my list tho.  

 

SweetMom

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good for you

 

I can understand that feeling completely. " i work all day then when I come home, i just want to rest' kinda chatter.

 

FRUSTRATING!!

 

You have the right to voice your feelings and bravo for doing so. Saying it , in public, openly like that is just the way some people need to hear it or to see themselves through other people eyes by their own embarrassment.  I'm sure he may have not been aware of his actions for many years he was 'conditioned' that you were doing such things on your own.  

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SweetMom: just a thought, maybe to keep peace at home. Could you ask one of your sons to take you shopping or even for a ride, maybe on a regular basis so your son could schedule it into his life? You could always say, "I miss you and want to spend some time with you."

 

Caregiving is hard work, especially when the caregiver never liked the task or even had to deal with the issue. And not everyone is cut out to do it - as you know from reading through the posts here. Let us know how it is going. Debbie

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SweetMoM, In a lot of ways, your hubby sounds like mine. And, one of them is his attitude about shopping- mine hates it, too, and expects  me to be able to go into a store, get what I want, and get out quickly and cheaply. I don't like shopping, either, but I just can't shop like that! But, I also hate, hate, hate to argue with him, for several reasons. So, my solution has been to do my shopping on-line.It solves a lot of problems: No one has to push me all over a store, and/or drive me from store to store; I can do it myself, when it is convenient for me. I can get what I want to get, with no discussion about price, etc. Sounds like I'm more limited than you are, but, it gives me something that I can do, without help. Hubby got me an OTC credit card to use for shopping on-line so that if the victim of identity theft, the thief cannot gain access to bank account, my SSN, etc. It's not a perfect solution, but all-in-all, it's probably one of my better ideas. I love shopping like this during the holidays-it's so much easier!  Becky

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Thanks y'all. My Sons live at least 800 miles each way from me. It's just me and my husband. His nearest relative is 65 miles away. On line shopping may be the way to go. I have gained so much weight from all the meds (gummy worms) I can't seem to find a size that is comfortable.

Maybe I didn't explain right. I didn't get onto my husband in public.

He treated me like I was imposing on him, in public. 

I would never treat my husband like he treated me, but thats me, not him.

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Sweet Mom,  my husband does not like shopping, and before the stroke I would go with my friends or daughter. After stroke, I can no longer drive, and after the stroke did not want to go into the stores, was sacred of crowds, got too tired, and just did not want to go. 

Now, I am feeling better, walking but like to take my time, plus I  like to go early before the crowds. Plus I want to go shopping.  So we had a talk, like I explain to him, I  had a stroke, I did not beg for this it happen, so lets dealt with it. He drops me and sits in the car, while I go into the store, and take my time. I am in my element!  He see's that I am in a better mood, and so is he because he is not  walking around a store. Win Win for both of us.  

 

Talk to your husband, explaining that it is not cool the way he is treating you. Stroke is a bugger, but it happen, life goes on. The online shopping is a great idea.

 

Yvonne

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Thanks y'all. We went shopping on Sat. Whew. I walked this time with the basket. No wheelchair.  We are getting our garden ready. He didn't embarrass me. I was just too tired to go on Sun to finish the shopping, so I stayed home. I'm ok with 1 day out. 2 days, and I'm so tired. I have had him drop me at the mall. Now that was fun. 

 

SweetMom

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Hi Sweetmom, that sounds so good.  With so much of this stuff it's about finding a compromise that works for both of you.  So you can't do it 2 days in a row, you now know that and can plan around it.

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Donna, I just discovered this forum today.....SO PROUD OF YOU!!!   :thumbs up: (darn, no emoticon for putting your foot down)

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I just don't know how many times I have to put my foot down. Not about shopping this time. His drinking. OMG, its getting worse. A 6 pac of beer plus 4-5 shots of tequila. Every night. I told him last night he needs to stop drinking the tequila. I said you can just drink the beer, that he only drank beer when we met. He mumbled something about all the crap he's having to deal with. And poured himself a shot. I know I need to contact Al anon. I really didn't want it to come to that, but I need someone to talk to about it. And I know what they will tell me. I can't fix it for him. I can't even fix myself when I'm going thru this with him. It may take me leaving to get his attention. But if it does, then I'm done. Thats why I had to drive again. I can't trust him. He made me wait days for my meds because HE didn't want to go to walmart. Sorry, but thats not acceptable. I would never do that to him. Ever. 

Thanks so much for letting me rant..................

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no that is not acceptable and you should contact Al anon. Check with your insurance and see if home delivery could happen. explain the situation. My heart breaks for you. Is there any shuttle or bus service in your area? I know in New Jersey , we have a state wide service for elderly or disabled.  I never knew about any of the benefits out there. Try calling the state and asking them what are your rights and what is out there.

 

http://www.carenewmexico.org/list14_nm_disability_transportation_senior_services.htm

 

http://www.referweb.net/icnm/MatchList.aspx?c;;0;;N;0;0;Transportation;Local%20Transportation;57;Local%20Transportation

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the more i have been thinking about you i can't even begin to put myself in your shoes. It's so easy to suggest so many things for you to do.. yes but having the courage to do it is hard. I speak from being in an abusive relationship ( many moons ago) and despite advice from my friends and family it ended up taking me 8 years to leave and it was the hardest thing. I AM NOT SUGGESTING YOU LEAVE  what i am saying is acting on anything is a huge step. No matter what, I  have your back :) 

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Kelli it took me 12 years to finally leave and it was the hardest thing I ever did. I could possibly be on the path again. Donna I have been telling myself all day that I am worth someone's time to know me. I hope that everything works out for the best. You put You first.

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The thing is, Donna, that you can make ultimatums all you want, but in order to quit drinking, he has to want to stop. He can agree with you 100%, but if he doesn't want to stop, sooner or later, he will find a way to drink without your knowledge. At least that's been my experience. Good luck, and God bless, Becky

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What Becky says is true. My father has been an alcoholic my entire life and he is the only one that can stop it. My mom, my step mom, my brother, my sister, me, and everyone who loves him couldn't convince him to quit. This is after he has already has had 5 bi-passes because of a heart attack. He also was just diagnosed with COPD and he talks about quitting smoking but he feels he can't. None of us can help.

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You are beautiful. You deserve to be loved and cared for. You belong to the chosen survivors with second chance to live life meaningfully finding fun and joy.

 

This is my mantra when I feel useless or alone.

 

Here is story

A dog moaned in his sleep and a man said what is the mattr with your dog. The woman replied he is moaning because he is lying on a board with a nail but he is not uncomfortable enough to move.

 

Do we wait for the nail to change and not hurt or do we finally wake and run.

 

I was with a nail once. I lived with it in my foot for years. When he was gone I danced with a prince and danced danced.

 

I thought I was brave staying but I was afraid to go. I was sassy enough to be free.Now I know it is easy to be free.

 

I hope you will find courage and strength. You are not his problem so you cannot put his puzzle together. We share but only with those who hear the same music of love and compassion and reciprocates back to us so we never run low in our own marble jar that holds love.

 

Finally I will share there are many good men and women finding smart recovery but it is on them. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

And wonderful support people that stand by them but they learn how to live and support smart. good info at smart recovery.

 

God bless you and know your plea and confusion and agony are heard seen felt here. Always supporting you because you deserve peace and happiness.

 

And you deserve and need your meds on time. That is Abuse. No excuse for it. I hope you will seek help for getting meds thru mail or someone else. Depend on the dependable. Take power away from uncaring unreliable and return it to you. There are in home free supporive services to help when your care giver fails. Risking your health to spare someones feelings is silly.

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Well I begged and pleaded for him to at least slow down drinking. Just drink Beer. His answer was to buy another bottle of tequila.

So when I go visit my family in Texas......................

This has been so hard. But I know if I want to continue to improve, I have to get away from him. He'll drag me down. I won't nag or complain. I won't be anything. 

I won't be telling him, I will just go for an extended visit, because he will destroy anything of mine. He is vindictive that way. 

I want to Thank You Ladies, for confirming that I have to put me first for once.

He says I am self centered and everything is all about me, but he was only confirming that everything is all about him so he can continue to drink (because it helps). Whatever that means. I don't know whats going to happen, but I will be going where I'll be loved and protected. 

Love and Peace

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Good for you Donna.  When he tries to put his problems onto you don't let him.  Everyone has worth and if he's trying to tell you you don't he's wrong.  His drinking is entirely up to him. And your recovery and current health issues might make things a little harder but that's his problem, not yours.  This is starting to sound very like a problem one of my friends got caught in last year.They call it Gaslighting or "Narsassitic abuse" 

Her abuser talked her out of a new cancer treatment that might have saved her life before she worked out what was going on. So now we cross our fingers and hope for a miracle, that is doubtful with convential treatment.

 

Maybe have a read of this https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2013/12/01/signs-that-youve-been-abused-by-a-narcissist/

and have a think about it. I could of course be completely wrong. If I've misread your situation I appologise.  I'd love you to be able to tell me I'm wrong.

 

Hugs

-Heather

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Congratulations on coming to a decision. I know how difficult it was for you. "May the road rise up to meet you..."Becky

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oh and a book I recommend is a story about The Little Red Hen. That is domestic harmony rules. All pitch in and all reap enjoy rewards. Those that choose not then they do not. period. good story.

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Get9ting out of a relationship can be a dangerous time. perhaps you can put in boxes things precious and say they are going to donation but really ship them to family. Even clothes keepsakes.

 

I agree an extended vacation will probably keep him happy. mine got really nicer when i was away. tempting lol.

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Wow Sass, you read my mind. If possible, I will be shipping keepsakes wrapped in winter clothes while he is at work. And then replacing the spot with something else. 

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