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Sam (Resman) has been ruling my thoughts for the past few days. In my prayers too.

 

Walking around the house, in the shower, at bed time. His words have been rolling around in my brain.

 

I've been thinking about Fred. I'm hemiplegic as well.  At 12/13 years out, Fred has had to cope with the realities of that a lot longer than me.

 

Scott, with the same hand issues, having to train our non-dominant hands to do everything.

 

Tracy, with cognitive issues...who has a child not that much older than mine.

 

Not that I am singling these lovelies out and ignoring everyone else. I'm just using these people as my examples.

 

When I think of everyone, I often wonder what the ONE thing you'd love to be restored to it's former glory.

 

Deigh I'm sure would love to play the guitar fluently again, Kelli maybe to remember her children's childhood...

 

So with all these thoughts swirling in my head tonight in the shower, I realised what I want back. More than anything else.

 

My Self Worth.

 

I can deal with my bad hand, my wonky smile, my fatigue...I just want to feel good about myself. Maybe not all the time, I'm more humble than that...

 

 I just want to feel happy about myself more often than I do now.

 

Self Worth is my one thing. Anyone brave enough to sit and share with me?

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Besides the use of my hand again, I'd like to regain my sexuality. Don't get me wrong -- in the physical sense all is fine in that department. I don't feel desirable anymore. My long red hair has been cut short, I walk funny, look crappy with my hand deformed. I can't do the sexy dancing I used to do for Hubs. *sigh*

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Benni  that is a beautiful thing to want to regain. To want to regain something to share with your beloved...what a strong bond you must share.

 

I no longer have any sensation in that neck of the woods. I wonder if that is linked to my self worth?

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We do have a strong bond else he might not have gone through all this crap with me. 

 

I'm soooo sorry you have no feeling there. I think it may be a strong link to how you feel.

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Yes Benni, I think you are spot on.

Strokes just keep on taking.

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I would like to restore my identity and find my new purpose in life. I worked at a job I loved for 18 years. I thought I  would retire there. I had responsibilities, people who depended on me, people who needed me, coworkers who became family. I am thankful to have survived my stroke, but am still struggling finding my "new purpose". Know that all of you dear survivors remain in my prayers. Michelle S.

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1 hour ago, Benni said:

Besides the use of my hand again, I'd like to regain my sexuality. Don't get me wrong -- in the physical sense all is fine in that department. I don't feel desirable anymore. My long red hair has been cut short, I walk funny, look crappy with my hand deformed. I can't do the sexy dancing I used to do for Hubs. *sigh*

I once had a group that talked about those kind of issues for I'm a firm believer in talking about sex and love making 

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12 minutes ago, mlsmith022 said:

I would like to restore my identity and find my new purpose in life. I worked at a job I loved for 18 years. I thought I  would retire there. I had responsibilities, people who depended on me, people who needed me, coworkers who became family. I am thankful to have survived my stroke, but am still struggling finding my "new purpose". Know that all of you dear survivors remain in my prayers. Michelle S.

My heart cries when I read posts like this.. I feel that you have a purpose in life still.. going forward. Your friends and family and most importantly that puppy.

Having worked and done a job for a long time to only to leave forcefully. I bet there are many things you can do and would be great at. I found I love to make my own foods and household cleaners. I was a  BSSR ( Branch Sales and Service Representative) and oversaw many branches and could fill in if needed to not being able to balance my checkbook..however I make a mean dish soap lol

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Queen I feel I lost me identity value of existeince pretty often too. As if I had it all before right??? But I lost sexuality me too. independent me.  all that matters is painfree times and a few chores. day  gone.

 

I made collages all about me on poster boards. hours of getting pictures and words in mags. I hung them up. It inspires me not to listen to negative self talk. It was a project investment art is my thing. I will take on something. I was encouraging other women to doo it. some dif.(

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Betsy, the collage idea is very inspiring! Great idea!

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I would like to regain some amount of control and be more self assured. I guess I sorta have felt like I haven't been in control of my body or mind for that matter. Having a stroke and then uncontrollable emotion all the way to panic attacks sorta makes me feel like a rag doll. Well I want to have a skeleton and a structure that can carry me where I want to go and do what I want to do and be who I want to be. I keep rereading to be sure this makes sense LOL. :tantrum:----->>>>>:bouncing-for-joy:

...and to not feel afraid of what's next.

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Tracy wow!

To not be afraid of what's next...

That's brought a tear to my eye. And I'm unsure of what to say...

That is so true, my lovely, and something that I truly hope returns...for all of us.

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Yes confident that no matter what I will be ok because what is left to frighten me? I have met the dragon. alone afraid disappointed that there is the dragon in the daylight. is that the bully?really?? I will not be destroyed. i may cry. so what that. I am still OK.

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Linnie my art saved me. a daily purpose. a conversation to share with some tea.alone time became sacred. final product surpassed expectations.I look at 3 posters huge with surprises. all unique. still interesting. a story. memories. unconscious exposed. viewed. camoflauged. and glue sticks are more amazing durable than I ever thought. cheap project. free mags donated from dr offices therapy offices old outdated fresh to me. scissors glue sticks poster boards.

 

my style is no plan only rule is no posterboard shows at end. slap on pictures words helter skelter chaotic but there is the finished structure to put on the sayins to read on top of te colors patterns flowers furniture dresses. no rules just cover it. no plan lets go takes The Next and incorporates What Is.  Fun. I found something to do I love. I covered a wall.

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For me it would be my balance.

 

Susan 5150.gif

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I had to think on this one awhile. The ability to feel things as in sensations. Having CPS you would think that not feeling the pain would be my choice, but having no other sensations on my right side just makes that seem worse plus I miss the feel of petting the cat or having my wife stroke my right hand. She rubs my right leg to .ease the spasms, I wish I could really feel it.

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Just now, SassyBetsy said:

 

my style is no plan only rule is no posterboard shows at end. slap on pictures words helter skelter chaotic but there is the finished structure to put on the sayins to read on top of te colors patterns flowers furniture dresses. no rules just cover it. no plan lets go takes The Next and incorporates What Is.  Fun. I found something to do I love. I covered a wall.

 

You should post a photo to share with us! I'd love to see one!

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There so many things that the stroke took from me...but the thing that came to the forefront first, Janelle, when I read your question, was my freedom and independence. For me, that means the ability to walk independently. Rt now, I'm still in a wheelchair, but, if I could walk, I wouldn't have to wake my hubby up when I have to pee at night; I wouldn't have to ask him if I needed something from the cabinets, because I'd be taller than the 4 ft. tall I am in the chair; I could take our Great Dane on walks, and she so needs that. I think ya'll can see what I mean. I think that I could handle the other deficits better if I could walk. It wouldn't make my frustrations with them go away, but it would make them less of the buggers that they are now.   Becky   

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This thread has helped me understand (partly, because we are all affected so differently) where every one is coming from a bit better.

 

Thank you for sharing here, something we may not share in the real world.

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Becky I know your pain. I was in a wheelchair for a long time I forgot how long but it was awful to not be able to balance while standing. it returned though and i use a walker now. gratitude for that. but keep on trying. it can return someday. I take meds for dizziness and practice balance and strength training. I still need to improve. I cannot live alone yet yet yet

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Hmm this is so hard to answer. I guess the ONE thing I want back is my scuba diving. Not the actual diving so much as the community that went with it. I'm still friends with most of the people but it's not the same when I don't participate any more.  The reality is that it wasn't the stroke that took the diving away, my lung issue would have stopped it anyway, I should be glad the the stroke happened when it did, as the consequences of the undiagnosed lung issue and continued diving would have been very similar to where I am now if not worse.

 

I would love to have a functioning arm again it would let me do so much more of the physical stuff I miss. But would I want to do obstacle racing at all if the stroke hadn't pushed me into the functional fitness gym community?

 

The reduction in disposable income is probably the hardest bit of adjusting to post stroke life for me, I got so used to having everything I wanted. These days I have to plan carefully to make sure that all the bills and therapy get paid for, with some left over for the silly things.

 

Overall I think I've been very lucky, and I've made the adjustment to this new life.

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9 hours ago, heathber said:

Overall I think I've been very lucky, and I've made the adjustment to this new life.

 

  I think that is very important for us all in our situation! Good for you!

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Lin I have thought about your story from time to time and I know there seems to be something genetic going on. Would it be rude of me to inquire? ...and has the medical world addressed the issue for your own future? You have come back from such a hard place and have given me mounds of smiles, advice, and acceptance. I'm just feeling emotional...hugs.

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O shoot Lin, dangit. I'm bawling again. 

I think everyone agrees that you are so important to us too.

I would also like to bring my sister back. 

But what I would like to have back that the strokes took: my brain, maybe. Everything stems from there. If my brain wasn't damaged in those parts then I wouldn't have the deficts that I have now. 

As you can tell I am still having trouble accepting myself. So if it hadn't happened then I wouldn't have met all of you. Which I'm not wanting to trade for. Even unrealistically. 

I believe everything happens for a reason now. Just wish I knew the reason 

later

 

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That's so the truth Donna.  Yes sometimes life sucks but if I we went back we'd have to lose the stuff we have now.  So like you while part of me would like that old life back a larger part would not like to give up the new things and people I have that I would not have had without this.

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