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We have been married for 29 years. My husband has been so wonderful through all of this, becoming pretty much a single dad while I recuperate in a rehab facility. I love and appreciate him more than ever. But he is under a lot of stress. (To put it lightly.) I know he's gone a long time without any sex. (10 months.) I recently slept at home for our anniversary, and we had relations with no success. He is frustrated. He thinks something is wrong with him. We talked. He looks at me from a caregiver standpoint, not a lover. He feels like he's hurting me, even though he's not. We're still best friends, but our love life is struggling. Help?

Edited by Kimwith6
A few typos

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My wife and I went through a similar problem where she was afraid of hurting me. It was many months but we took it slow and the first few times were pretty clumsy on my part for obvious reasons but we managed to figure out how to make it work. Just take it slow and work into something that works for you  both, it's there, you just have to find it, take your time. 

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love will find a way to express if you allow it be patient be natutal be yoursellf

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Hi Kim, it's nice to meet you.  

 

You've received some excellent advice.  The only suggestions I can add is to openly discuss this concern with your husband, so that you can begin to work together towards overcoming the problem.  In the meantime, simply cuddling is a physical expression of love, and a good starting point for you and he.  

 

All the best, 

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Kim, This is a very common issue following a stroke. It's so common, that our Kelli has lead 2 discussion groups about the topic.  It is no one's fault, it just happens to  some couples. It can be due to the stress of the situation, as you said. My husband said to me that he couldn't be my caregiver and lover at the  same time, which, it seems is also a common response for males.  In time, he may be able to deal with the  feelings that he's having. But, until then, try to let him know that it's all  right, you still love him, and enjoy cuddling until he's able to experience more sexual contact.  Becky

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Kim it really is common, Have a look here and see if some of this info helps. https://enableme.org.au/Resources/Sex

 

Overall take your time together and you'll find ways to enjoy each other again.

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Hi again Kim,

 

I have another idea that may help...

 

On 6/20/2017 at 2:41 AM, Kimwith6 said:

He looks at me from a caregiver standpoint, not a lover.

 

Have you considered date nights?  If it's difficult to go out to restaurants, movies, etc., you can have date nights right at home.  Make certain your husband's mind is not occupied by thoughts of work, that there is no one else in your home, and go for it.   Some order-in food, some candles, some music, some talk about when and why you and he fell in love....

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On 6/20/2017 at 1:41 AM, Kimwith6 said:

We have been married for 29 years. My husband has been so wonderful through all of this, becoming pretty much a single dad while I recuperate in a rehab facility. I love and appreciate him more than ever. But he is under a lot of stress. (To put it lightly.) I know he's gone a long time without any sex. (10 months.) I recently slept at home for our anniversary, and we had relations with no success. He is frustrated. He thinks something is wrong with him. We talked. He looks at me from a caregiver standpoint, not a lover. He feels like he's hurting me, even though he's not. We're still best friends, but our love life is struggling. Help?

That is a story told oh so many times and it breaks my heart . Things will get more fluid moving. You and he are justing starting out with introducing relations so it's a process. I hope as time goes on,you are able to do more for yourself and that would show him you are your own person. I hope with all of my being that you are able to flow again. :)

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