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We have been married for 29 years. My husband has been so wonderful through all of this, becoming pretty much a single dad while I recuperate in a rehab facility. I love and appreciate him more than ever. But he is under a lot of stress. (To put it lightly.) I know he's gone a long time without any sex. (10 months.) I recently slept at home for our anniversary, and we had relations with no success. He is frustrated. He thinks something is wrong with him. We talked. He looks at me from a caregiver standpoint, not a lover. He feels like he's hurting me, even though he's not. We're still best friends, but our love life is struggling. Help?

Edited by Kimwith6
A few typos

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My wife and I went through a similar problem where she was afraid of hurting me. It was many months but we took it slow and the first few times were pretty clumsy on my part for obvious reasons but we managed to figure out how to make it work. Just take it slow and work into something that works for you  both, it's there, you just have to find it, take your time. 

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love will find a way to express if you allow it be patient be natutal be yoursellf

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Hi Kim, it's nice to meet you.  

 

You've received some excellent advice.  The only suggestions I can add is to openly discuss this concern with your husband, so that you can begin to work together towards overcoming the problem.  In the meantime, simply cuddling is a physical expression of love, and a good starting point for you and he.  

 

All the best, 

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Kim, This is a very common issue following a stroke. It's so common, that our Kelli has lead 2 discussion groups about the topic.  It is no one's fault, it just happens to  some couples. It can be due to the stress of the situation, as you said. My husband said to me that he couldn't be my caregiver and lover at the  same time, which, it seems is also a common response for males.  In time, he may be able to deal with the  feelings that he's having. But, until then, try to let him know that it's all  right, you still love him, and enjoy cuddling until he's able to experience more sexual contact.  Becky

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Hi again Kim,

 

I have another idea that may help...

 

On 6/20/2017 at 2:41 AM, Kimwith6 said:

He looks at me from a caregiver standpoint, not a lover.

 

Have you considered date nights?  If it's difficult to go out to restaurants, movies, etc., you can have date nights right at home.  Make certain your husband's mind is not occupied by thoughts of work, that there is no one else in your home, and go for it.   Some order-in food, some candles, some music, some talk about when and why you and he fell in love....

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On 6/20/2017 at 1:41 AM, Kimwith6 said:

We have been married for 29 years. My husband has been so wonderful through all of this, becoming pretty much a single dad while I recuperate in a rehab facility. I love and appreciate him more than ever. But he is under a lot of stress. (To put it lightly.) I know he's gone a long time without any sex. (10 months.) I recently slept at home for our anniversary, and we had relations with no success. He is frustrated. He thinks something is wrong with him. We talked. He looks at me from a caregiver standpoint, not a lover. He feels like he's hurting me, even though he's not. We're still best friends, but our love life is struggling. Help?

That is a story told oh so many times and it breaks my heart . Things will get more fluid moving. You and he are justing starting out with introducing relations so it's a process. I hope as time goes on,you are able to do more for yourself and that would show him you are your own person. I hope with all of my being that you are able to flow again. :)

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I felt about 1cm tall going through this. I felt that my status as a man was gone forever and was crushed because I was always a very physical being. It got to the point that I told my wife it was okay to get whatever physical needs satisfied by another, just not the same person twice so as to not have her fall in love with someone else. She cried when I told her this, and she knew I was being genuinely unselfish and had no feelings of jealousy because of our bond and the love we have for each other. She didn't run off, and she never made use of the freedom I gave her. We found ways to be creative with our time together and love for each other. We endured, and so can you. The strength and power you can find  in love is amazing.

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Wow tough stuff here! We go out frequently on dates for dinner and lunch and still hug often. The whoopie thing will require some med on my part, but I have to consult the doc first to see what is allowable. love is there and strong, but I know more is required. 

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Alan, I think that is important. So many times spouses are the caregiver and struggle with the everyday life doings, both theirs and the survivor, and sad but true the survivors , I did as well, only focus on what they have to go through .

 

It took me a long while to understand that my (ex)husband  went through stress as well. I often would say to him I was jealous that he was going to work because he could leave. I also felt I wasn't attractive enough for him so if he was to go out and sleep with someone else I would understand, when In fact it would crush me. I said that for I felt so bad for myself. 

 

 

 

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,my wife has to help care for her 85 yr old dad who is in assisted living and needs more attention all the time.this week h rd mistook his meds, forgot to eat and turned on all his, stove burners for heat.he has heat in his  apartment.

He al most  started  a,fire when poholders burned,left near  the stove.

She,has a lot on her right now.though I am pretty self sufficient. It is,hard ..

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It sounds that she is under a TON of stress and I'm guessing 'relations' are the furthest from her mind... and that is understandable. You know Asha had taught me that there are more ways to show affection with your other half. When she told me I thought she was prudish but in fact she was opening my eyes ( I still wanted to have relation's) https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-wife-her-way/ I found this list of suggestions. I know we all can't do many of these 

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On 8/5/2017 at 3:24 PM, ctwith3 said:

I felt about 1cm tall going through this. I felt that my status as a man was gone forever and was crushed because I was always a very physical being. It got to the point that I told my wife it was okay to get whatever physical needs satisfied by another, just not the same person twice so as to not have her fall in love with someone else. She cried when I told her this, and she knew I was being genuinely unselfish and had no feelings of jealousy because of our bond and the love we have for each other. She didn't run off, and she never made use of the freedom I gave her. We found ways to be creative with our time together and love for each other. We endured, and so can you. The strength and power you can find  in love is amazing.

 

ctwith3 - You are a gift!

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, Our 32 anniversary is next Friday, we plan a night at a nice seafood restaurant, maybe the martinin bar after, and then home.it will be great to celebrate after the bad few months we have had, my stroke, losing our 19 year old dog, my moms passing all in a row. 

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That sounds lovely. 

See the source image

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Thank you. We are going to a dinner with a couple who are celebrating 28 years also We are amazed at how many years have gone by, and we still delight in each other!

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