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lissa22

divorce after stroke?? common?

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Hi . I've posted on here before but a long time ago.  I should visit here more often for support.   Here's the short of my story. My 42 yo husband suffered a stroke in his cerebellum a little over a year ago. His balance was affected majorly and they say affected 40-50% of this part of brain. He recovered amazingly physically but emotionally is different person.   He wants very little to do with me and has done a 360.  we had an okay relationship before and enjoyed traveling and going out for drinks everyonce in a while or dinner.   

 

 He seems to think that i wasn't supportive during time he was in hospital yet i was there nearly every day and during his rehab time for 2 weeks and this is reasoning.  He always says i make his "life so difficult' and that drags me down.  He doesn't seem to care about what goes on in my life anymore and 2 months after stroke served divorce papers. NOthing happened for a year legally and now topic is presented again.  I'm heartbroken but don't want to live in misery rest of my life either. I also have strong instinct he may be seeing someone and noticed subtle things leading me to believe this. He won't admit it of course.       I don't know what to do. I'm contemplating a move across states but that would be big risk. How do you know if your making right move? I'm Christian and have been praying very hard but not hearing the answers or direct words
 

Anyways, just wondering if anyone on here as experienced similar? Is it result of brain trauma or am i just crazy ?   Thanks for your support and glad this community exist

 

Feeling alone and lost. Melissa

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Melissa,

 I did get a divorce after my stroke but that wasn't the deciding factor. We had problems before but doing a 360 is so true for me. I would often tell him I felt like I was filing in someone else's shoes. I felt like I was living in someone else' marriage ( I was married for almost 5 years) and I felt like a stranger around my husband and my youngest son.  Suffice to say I have memory issues. I understand his view as well as yours. It sounds like he may be in denial. And that's all part of recovery. Is it fair to you? NO. Have you considered talking with his Rehabilitation to see if there is a local stroke group. I say that for sometimes, in the rehab, there might be a psychologist there that may be someone that he can talk to sort all of his new emotions and find new coping techniques.. ( just a suggestion.. I hope I made sense for in the middle of writing this I lost my thought  ) 

 

Bless

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Melissa, Here is a simple way to figure out if his behavior is due to the stroke: Ask yourself if he acted like this before his stroke. If the answer is "no", then you can safely assume that the stroke has something to do with it.  A stroke can affect any part of you- your ability to think logically and coherently, for instance, may be affected, as well as your ability to make good judgments. An evaluation and treatment by a neuropsychiatrist would be a good place to start, but it sounds like he would refuse on the grounds that "there's nothing wrong with me".Even if he would agree to see a neuropsych, it may be months before you see any change in his behavior, if at all, as there are no guarantees. 

I think that you should make a decision that's best for you right now. It sounds like he is able to take care of himself. So, you don't have anything to feel guilty about or to worry about. Go find your 'Happy Place". I'm so sorry-I know that this is not what you hoped to hear.Becky

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Sorry is all that comes to mind

As far as him filing on you, he must have had something going in his head or a plan, the stroke was just bad luck, I hope you have family members that can be there for you when you need to talk.

Do you have any kids as this will affect them and moving a few states over would be tough for everyone involved

Hang in there is all I can recommend

Ed 

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Stroke (or any other trauma) does tend to be a trigger for re-evaluating relationships as well as your life priorities.  Remember he will only see the rehab time from his point of view and we do tend to be pretty self absorbed at that stage.  Don't let the stroke itself colour your response to this. He is who he is now and you have to look at how both your lives are going to function from now on.  It sounds like he has already moved on and left you behind so it may be better to make a clean break and do what you need to do for you. Good luck for whatever you decide to do.

-Heather

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Melissa :

 

I feel lot of relationship either break apart or get stronger based on how things were before, & also depends on the person, for example in my case had it been our roles were reversed, he be survivor & me caregiver, I don't think I would have strength to keep everything together. So sometimes I am glad that it was great that I stroked & I was able to see his great strength & love for our family, since we talked very different love languages, I was able to see his love  pretty well, which made me realize what love really means & I kinda matured more after my stroke. Anyhow after any major life changing event it sometimes makes you take stock of situation & you get chance to change things. BTW even though most of us dread change in life, but I believe that when sometimes drastic change is happening in life,  which feels like wildfire, but it is actually God's way of rearranging your life, so that old things burns out & chances of regrowth(which might be better)can happen, & sometimes it will be better than you ever imagined. This has been my experience. I wish you lot of inner strength to get through this difficult period in your life.

 

Asha

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Hi Melissa, my name is Tracy and I had a pretty severe bilateral cerebellar stroke about 3 years ago. I wanted to share some insight that may help in some way. Not to make it understandable or even ok but to focus on some physical realities. I too have had physical balance issues with my stroke but the worst part of it has been psychological. I see my Psychiatrist every 2 months. I too have done a 360 in this area. I'm pretty anti social now and have multiple problems...before my stroke I was the social butterfly, positive, upbeat, and loved being around people. I really couldn't be proactive in my psychological rehab at first. My brain, my being, was overloaded with fear, emotion, sound, light, so many things. I felt alien...I still do at times. I went through a Neuropsychological evaluation which concluded with a diagnosis of Cerebellar Cognitive Affective Syndrome. It's been studied for 25 years but in medical years that is not very long...the general medical community has not been on the same page because the cerebellum has always for many many years been thought to have only affected the fluid, purposeful effect during movement. I can attest and studies have shown that this is far from the truth. The physical aspect is called dysmetria...it does not activate movement but signals movement to be smooth and purposeful...so you can walk straight, have balance, use fine motor skills, and produce smooth complicated procedures like getting up from the floor. Scientists have now studied that the cerebellum also has the same or similar affect on thought and emotion. It is called dysmetria of thought. It is caused by a disruption of communication between certain areas of the brain due to neurological and brain damage. As of now there is no "cure" but it can get better just like other stroke effects. I am on several psychotropic medications and see my Psychiatrist every regularly to work on what I now deal with and to deal with it better and better. This in no way means that it is ok to be in the middle of these issues and you have to do what is best for you. I'm also not saying that your husband has the same issues that I do...just that stroke unfortunately, can cause many neurological problems that can be painful and leave you and the survivor forever changed. I am so sorry you are going through this...for both of you. I know you can feel at a loss of what is going on and what can you do. My best answer is to do what is best for you physically and mentally even if it is painful and difficult. I wish I could tell you more but I have figured out the brain is in many ways a mystery. Just know that you are not alone. Support groups for spouses/caretakers is a good idea too...You guys are so strong and are faced with a lot...it can be difficult and exhausting itself. We as survivors are blessed to have you. The effects of the actual stroke can disrupt our ability to recognize and celebrate these truths. I have found through contact with other survivors and caretakers that divorce is common after stroke...it seems in many ways in a way that we can't control. Please be good to yourself no matter what happens in the future. Stroke is a monster...neither of you can control many of its' damaging effects...he can fight to better the effects and you can protect yourself when it is needed. Understanding on the other hand is elusive for many. All my blessings.

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Melissa I’m so very sorry about your situation.

 

As for God answering prayers...maybe He directed you here?

 

God works in mysterious ways.  Very overused statement, but very true in this case.  He could be saving you from more heartache than you ever thought possible.

 

Maybe him wanting a divorce, your thoughts on another woman, are all signs that it’s time to go.

 

Think Gloria Gaynor.  You will survive.  God is opening another door for you.  You are allowed.

 

Love and prayers.

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Janelle, I like the way you are giving a post about the heart. Melissa I second Janelle. 🙂 All the "scientific stuff" in my head falls short of the heart. God opens doors for many reasons, you just sometimes need to hear them open. Sending you positive vibes, I know it is hard right now.

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Tracy some days, not every day, but some days I feel as though God wanted me in the situation I’m in.

 

I am always writing to the council asking them to fix footpaths etc, as they are no good for wheelchair access. And the way disabled people get treated at the local airport...I’m on to that.

 

My current fight is trying to get disabled parking penalties raised to try and stop people parking in them incorrectly.

 

Stuff I wouldn’t even think twice about in an ‘ideal’ world.

 

If I’m here, in this position, I may as well be useful.

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My friend hurt his back falling off a porch he told me. He blames it on being sober. He says if he had been drunk he would not have grabbed for a railing when he fell backwards and then he would have just tumbled down.

 

I  guess if we had a crystal ball or a do over.

 

But I believe I am always just where I am meant to be ......which is in the wrong place to be.....but I also know that no matter what I WILL BE OK....not great maybe not happy maybe but I think I have been through some true heart wrenching tear jerking losses and still lived to experience more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pam, do you know, I’m not unhappy with my life? I love sleeping in, being home when the kids get home from school, having lunch dates with my husband when he’s on days off...

 

One door shut, but truly, 100 awesome doors opened...

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I just spoke those words to a friend just the other day. Fear challenges us as humans. We like familiarity. When one door is closed...I feel like God is just opening our hearts to another door opening many times. We just don't always see it...and fear can keep the lights off. Trust that there is a reason, a place for you, and positivity if you open your heart and eyes.

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