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I have found since the stroke, I am unable to make new complete memories, in fact, its like if something isn't right here, right now in front of me, its not in my mind at all.  Its very ZEN in a weird way, that mindfulness that people are always talking about, living in the moment and all that.  I used to meditate to try to reach a place like this...and GUESS WHAT?!? IT SUCKS!!! Even in meditation I had connection to the past, the last 7 weeks are just gone! I remember some of it, but none of it clearly.  My little boy had a birthday last week, will I forget it completely? Will I only get glimpses of his 8 year old birthday for the rest of my life?  I'm missing things!  I remember almost none of what I was supposed to have learned over the last 7 weeks of my classes. My final is on Friday.  I've just told myself to do the best that I can, but I remember almost none of my class.  Going from the deans list every semester to failing all the tests is difficult.  I still get 100% on all the papers that I do in real time.  I work hard at it, but after the tests, that are weighted more heavily, I bet I barely pass the class.  Its frustrating.

 

Anyway, what bothers me is #1 missing my kids grow up....all the stupid silly things that kids do.  #2 I've always been an intellectually curious person and researching all kinds of stuff all the time.  I had a journal where I would write down a list of things that I wanted to know, and then research them, learning all the time about all kinds of weird stuff.  I tried to read (well, have the stupid e-reader read to me) the Gnostic book of Thomas last night.  All I remember from the forty-five minutes of "reading" are things that directly correlated to bible verses or parables that I already knew.  By the way., I didn't even remember that I had "read" it until I was doing dishes and "looking" for something to think about, and remembered what I had done the night before, and then tried to recall what I "read".  I DO remember enjoying "reading" it.  So maybe I just hold on to the enjoyment of the experience of learning, without the expectation that I will retain any of it?

 

Did I just suddenly hit the wall of individual intellectual growth?  Will this be all there is?  43 years of learning and then...that's it?  The physical limitations of the stroke have limited me socially, now i'm really realizing how much it has also affected my memory and that void just keeps growing the further I get from the stoke. Sure I have work-a-rounds, and write-it-downs and pictures that I take on my phone and all that..but if feels artificial, the words don't contain the full rich memories of before.  If I can't learn, and I can't go anywhere, what else am I going to do with myself?  Knit a bunch of socks I guess.  I remember how to do that if my hand will work- I'll just have to do it "american" style instead of "European".  Watch TV (bleck!)? Spend time with kids when they are with me, but honestly, they overstimulate me, and I find myself separating myself some of the time to get through the noise and movement- which makes me feel like an awful mom! 

 

Ok. I'm done ranting for the night.  I hope this gets better.

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Its different for everyone, slow down and enjoy the simpler things in life, take lots of pictures with your kids because you never know what tomorrow brings.

Ed

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Tarina it is so hard, this becoming a new you.

 

I have found contentment with the new me, but it took a while.

 

You may not remember your young bloke’s birthday, but you were there and he will remember that.

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Hi Tarina

 

I have something similar (I remember things erratically).  Since my stroke three years ago, my memory has been improving.  Still not as good as it was before the stroke, but better than it was a year ago.

 

In may case, emotionally-loaded thinks tend to stick, facts less so.  But I am discovering techniques to remember things, for example I find it hard/impossible to memorize the numeric combination of a door lock, but I can remember the locations of the buttons to push, and what order.  Voila!  That problem solved.

 

This birthday will probably be lost (unless you have some externalized memory, like photos), but the ability to remember will probably improve over time.  As will your ability to compensate (photo albums, diaries, to-do lists, calendars).

 

Good luck.  We're with you.

 

       paul

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I use this we bite, it truly helps....brainhq

Practice daily and you will see improvement as you go,

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Time is your friend with this as with everything stroke. It will take time but should improve. 4 years here and still improving my memory abilities. Yes, I have a period which is gone forever but I slowly recovered my ability to hold things in my memory mostly because of the memory skills they taught me in speech therapy. A good speech therapist is priceless for recovering memory abilities.

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Tarina, It sounds like you have long-term memory issues. As the others said, it will improve over time. But, there are probably things you'll never remember. Why not start a "memory book" for each child complete with pictures when possible of things you don't want to forget? Like Christmas,2018 for example? You can also start a blog here at Strokenet chronicling your stroke journey. You can also write about things other than just your stroke journey. Becky

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