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PaulNash

Advice need on how to hold a conversation

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Janelle...I read your post and thought there you go there's one of my reality posts. I am so much better at someone else's reality than my own. Heck i had a panic attack 2 days ago over a piece of mail...is too bad i dont give myself good reality advice lol.

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I got you, Tracy!

 

Sometimes I read over things I’ve said a day or two later and wonder why I don’t take my own advice! 

 

I hate, with a passion, opening mail.  Sometimes we are anxious to open mail to find answers, it must be terrible for you.

 

My daughter Carrah suffers panic attacks. They are very real, however unwelcome they are, they surprise us at the wrong moments.

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Mine too...i understand how your daughter me I st feels sometimes. The letterp was from Medicare and all i saw were large dollar amounts. I have a real fear since winning my disability case that im going to receive a letter that says oops we made a mistake...give it all back. (Its happened to someone before...well social security retirement. They sent her a letter that said she owes them 60,000. 😳). After making it to the front room and trying to catch my breath while thumbing through like 20 pages my stepmom said oh its ok its just your Medicare statement they send each month where they have paid. Well too late lol the tears rolled out, the stuttering began and Janice said she had to go in the other room. Ha it was 45 minutes until calm. I am happy i can laugh at my moments...it helps keep the fear down of having more which just makes you have more anxiety. Tell your daughter shes not alone.

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Hi Janelle

 

Thanks for the sage words.  I have started to come to much the same conclusion, and I think that that acceptance it is helping.  I'm looking long and hard and coldly at who I now am, what I can do, and I am grieving the person that is lost.  So be it.  And, of course, these things take time.  My 3-year anniversary was a few months back, which has hit us both.

 

I've found that it's easier for me to talk to Linda when I am honest with myself.  I still feel like crap much of the time, but I allow myself to.  I'm still bad at being a husband, partner, soul-mate, friend, whatever, but I am starting to be less guilty and defensive, which improves how I relate to her, and she is starting to respond to that.

 

I have never been good at accepting things as they are.  It's what made me a great engineer -- I would always find a way to improve things, fix things, create something better.  Which has shaped how I have been trying to deal with the effects of the stroke.  Now that I am starting to accept the new me, I am also starting to feel less depressed (but still down there a lot of the time), be more open, and generally a better person.  It's not that easy, but it does take a load off, and lets me start to look outwards rather than inward.

 

I just hope that I can sustain this path.  I am planning to do whatever I can to sustain it.

 

I've also just read an interesting book that has helped with this path:  Mark Manson's "Subtle Art of Not Giving a *beep*".  He takes a while to get to his ultimate message, which is to focus on listening to, and accepting, the people who are important to you, and making sure that you are important to yourself.  He bases this on his own life experiences and discovering Stoic philosophy (which does not mean "just suck it up").  A lot of the book rambles through his life history and all the things that went wrong; the meat at the end was really worthwhile, though, and has given me new hope and a shift in direction.  I need to re-read and keep re-reading.

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Hi Tracy, I can relate to your reaction to the Medicare letter.  I keep waiting for the next disaster to strike, and stress out every time I get a bank statement or any sort of contact from my disability insurance.

 

I guess it is natural -- once one life-changing disaster has hit you out of the blue, you know that it can happen, and worry about whether and when it will happen again.

 

No magic wand, but I understand and I feel for you.

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Oh Tracy, I am sorry. Your step mum didn't understand the impact of the letter. That wouldn't have helped. 

 

Kudos, Paul. Acceptance of yourself may happen in stages, I think it did for me, but you sound much more in control.  That's fantastic. 

 

I'm so pleased you created this thread and didn't try going it alone. 

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Thankfully, I have video therapy now Janelle. I can also text her at any time in between appointments. I like it a lot! 

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Excellent Tracy.

She's obviously got client's best interests at heart. 

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