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My husband had a stroke 2/18. Since then He has no longer been my husband. I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK! ICant stand living with someone who is so mean and shut-off. I can’t stand the man he’s become. I don’t know how to do this anymore. All I do is cry. I’m sick of it. I pray all the time for help and understanding. I have started running to help release my tension. Those only go so far. How do ya cope? I look at him and see the beautiful man I married, then he speaks and I see what he’s become and all I can do is cry. This is so hard! Any suggestions?

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Step 1 tell him how he's behaving.

Step 2 Arrange for you both to go to counseling.  Some of the nasty behaviour may be out of his control but if it's going to change he has to want to change it.  He's currently being childish, very common after a brain injury. Make sure he understands that he doesn't get to be that way forever.  This thing sucks for everyone involved, so now he has to "man up" and be part of the solution. 

Once you see what his desire to change is then you can make a decision about how long you are going to hang in there and how much you are willing to put up with.  Don't be guilted into staying if he isn't going to own some of the problem. Neither of you asked for this, but it's what is. So you both need to decide what happens next. And remember Look after yourself , use running and whatever works for your stress until you get a clearer picture of how this is going to develop.

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First off, you are so right; strokes do suck, and no one here would disagree. Stroke effects can take several different paths;  They can heal partially, or completely, or not heal at all, and it is impossible for anyone-even a doctor- to tell you what's going to happen. You're stuck in 'wait-and-see' land right now.  It's also impossible to tell you how long you'll have to wait. It could be days, months, or even years before you'll see any improvement. Then again, it could be tomorrow.  You just never know.

    It's also possible that what you're seeing is not due to damage done by the stroke, but his reaction to it. Just as you miss "the man that was", so does he. Some people treat everyone like crap when they feel like crap themselves.

  If you can find a neuropsychiatrist to take him to, that may help. Neuropsychs are experts in treating behavior as it relates to neurological issues, and stroke is definitely a neuro issue.

     I love that you are running!  It's one of the best things that you can do for yourself. Any kind of physical activity would be good for you mentally and physically. And  if   crying a lot   continues, you may want to talk to your doc about an antidepressant. Good luck, Becky 

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hi there :

 

I agree with both of above comments, strokes do suck, & he himself is right now going through his own grieving process & taking it out on the person closest to him, sometimes without thinking. please understand its brain damage & he is also adjusting to his new normal, stroke affect whole family. you will have to hold the fort while he collects his bearings together.  you both need to talk with doctor & get help.

I have found blogging & chattng with other survivors & caregivers is very therapeutic for every one. If he is able encourage him to start blog or join our chats. we do have chats every day afternoon from 3-4 EST in stroke survivor room & M,W  8-9PM EST in survivor room  & on Friday in coffeeshop. hope to see you there.

 

Asha

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Mary

Tell me this can your husband walk, run do some or all of the things he did before the stroke ???????, does he still work, how long has it been since the stroke, the first 90 days are where you get most of what you had prior to the stroke back but everyone is different as are the type's and severity of the stroke.

His life has been turned up side down and he is along for the ride of his life only problem its like ground hog day, only thing that changes is the calendar, not fun at all and sometimes nothing to look forward to.

When I was at CNS in Bakersfield I had two room mates, one was a college professor 71 and the stroke made him seem like a little mouse, you could have woke him in the middle of the night and said Dennis its time for your bath and all he would do was lower his head and quietly say ok the reason I mention that is they tried that with me at 10:30 at night and I told them to stick it in there ass and get out of my room, point is every stroke patient reacts to there stroke differently.

There are times I wish the stroke took my mind and just made me like Dennis a piece of clay, mold me into what ever they want and other times I wish the stroke had taken me away.

All I can say its I wake up every morning hoping today things are going to change or get back to normal but I have been waiting 2 1/2 years and still SOS, now that's sucks.

I know your having a hard time, so is he............ only difference is you can leave and still have your mind where he's on his own broken and stuck on this shity ride called life.

I got left 4 weeks after I got out of Bakersfield and have been on my own for the last year and this is not what I worked my ass of to have after my stroke but that's just my view

Its a hard decision and no one can make it but you ??????????

Good luck 

Ed

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On ‎7‎/‎7‎/‎2019 at 9:54 PM, Strokessuck said:
 
My husband had a stroke 2/18. Since then He has no longer been my husband. I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK! ICant stand living with someone who is so mean and shut-off. I can’t stand the man he’s become. I don’t know how to do this anymore. All I do is cry. I’m sick of it. I pray all the time for help and understanding. I have started running to help release my tension. Those only go so far. How do ya cope? I look at him and see the beautiful man I married, then he speaks and I see what he’s become and all I can do is cry. This is so hard! Any suggestions?

I'm sorry you are having this feeling. Speaking as a stroke survivor.. it sucks. He's angry. Angry at what happened tp him and possibly not feeling like a man.  I understand you want him back... he wants him back.  I agree with everyone else, talk with him.   Another challenge a lot of stroke survivors ( includes family) face is the ones we love think sometimes, and perfectly normal, bouncing back from a stroke is easy for we once were able to do things.

 

I'm not implying you fall into this category but just a general observation.  

 

Stroke changes you.. I know stroke effects everyone in the family as much as it does the actual survivor. I'm just trying to say that because you ( again not directed to you personally)

can't see the effects of the ) I know this effects me even 10 years after stroke. In an instant, I can yell and get aggravated then in a blink of an eye I'm pleasant. Drives everyone crazy  but most people, around me, understand.

 

 I do hope you and your husband find a balance and love again. But please remember, he may not feel like a man any more. I mean that lovingly.  As a man, you are the one to take care of your wife.

 

That is just my opinion ..  💕

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I feel it is very sobering to consider that the person you fell in love with and call your husband had a life altering, life or death medical emergency called a stroke. A stroke that killed the brain cells in the area of the lesion. Killed them and they will never regenerate. Dead brain cells are just that...DEAD. Neuroplasticity and the succession of inflammation from the stroke is why the first few months after a stroke can be phenomenal when it comes to rehabilitation. The brain is so complicated that our most modern medical research still only understands a fraction of how it works. As a survivor myself, I do know that there are so many different aspects of a stroke and it's deficits that to predict 100% would be impossible. Someone can have a lesion as big as a golf all and go on to have wonderful rehabilitation. On the other hand maybe that person has a lesion as small as a dime but they are irrevocably damaged, have severe defecits, lose the ability to speak, to understand speach, or mentally never recover anywhere near where they were before the stroke. I can speak as a survivor...it can be the most horrible reality. No one around you has even an inkling of what you go through every moment of every day. You may not even be able to explain how you feel to anyone. It's scary. It is a living nightmare. If only anyone could live in my shoes for a few moments. It's extremely lonely. Confusing. Uncontrollable. You feel helpless. Hopeless. Maybe you feel like you can not live this way. There is a mountain in front of you and you have to climb each and every inch of it slowly, painfully, all by yourself. If you are lucky you have support, encouragement, love, family. It is daunting to place your own life in those kind of circumstances. It is not fair. Sometimes there is no way to understand the why or how to accept the unacceptable. All I can say is your husband needs more support right now than he may ever have before. No, it's not fair. I can promise you that your anger at this stroke will not change the reality. I firmly believe that a survivor needs a strong support system around them. A support system doesn't mean that they understand why. It means they support despite not understanding. Not everyone is cut out to do that. Stroke can cause the very problems your husband is exhibiting. Not only does it usually cause physical defecits but can be responsible for just as debilitating psychological and mental defecits. Personality changes. Mood changes. Empathy changes. Nice or mean changes. Memory deficits and hundreds of other issues. It is very hard to wrap your head around "He no longer can control this. The stroke may have stripped him of his "normal" self". I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. My sincerest hope is for your relief and I pray your relief still includes your husband. Find your own support, therapy...maybe a stroke support group (I would say most include caretakers and family as well), a therapist, Psychiatrist, etc. Be proactive in dealing with your own feelings, fears, worries, hopes, and any other emotion you may be having. Please try not to look for fair...nothing about having a stroke is fair. Stroke happens to everyone close to the Survivor. No one escapes its' grips. IT IS NOT FAIR. 

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My heart goes out to you.  You are having a horrible time because of your husband's medical condition; it's not your fault, it's not your stroke, you did not want this and you never signed up for it.  My wife goes through this at times, albeit in a milder form.

 

I don't have any words of wisdom, or anything that can fix the situation.  From my own experience, from the other side of that barrier, he is not doing this on purpose.  His brain is broken, and is trying to piece itself together.  Your presence and support will help with that, but there is no guarantee how long it will take and what the result will look like.

 

In the meantime, you have to look after yourself.  Running is good, as is any exercise (I used to be a serious runner before my stroke, still push as hard as I can to deal with mood issues as a result of the stroke).  Spend time away from the house and away from your husband with friends and family.  See whether there is any sort of stroke support group in your area.  Getting away from the situation and being with normal people is going to be really important.  Part of my wife's coping mechanism was to immerse herself in her work (she's always been a type-A anyway); the balance of her time was spent trying to find a cure for me.  The first strategy worked, the second, not so much :-).

 

Things change.  No-one can predict what will change for your husband.  You may be able to coach him to change his ways (my wife managed to get me to organize my life after 60 years of chaos, to take notes and use a calendar, and to make polite and meaningless conversation in company, so anything is possible).

 

My strongest advice, though, is to focus on your needs and make sure that you do whatever is necessary to nurture them.  And stick with the exercise, it makes a world of difference.

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I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.  It's not easy for anyone. 

 

I agree with Heather,  you need to talk and go to counselling. 

 

I also think you need to remind yourself you are both very early on in the recovery process. 

 

All the best with finding your new normal. 

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