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ksmith

Talking to your partner about THAT

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Here are some ideas to know when talking about sex after stroke. Some people have said that they have lost the desire completely. And that's alright but for those, like me, who still think about it but aren't sure. This talks mainly about married couples but i'm still trying to find more if you're starting over, like me.

 

http://strokeconnection.strokeassociation.org/Mar-Apr-2009/Sex-and-Intimacy-after-Stroke/

https://www.stroke.org.uk/sites/default/files/sex_after_stroke.pdf ( from UK but helpful)

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It's high time this subject was discussed. It will be different for all of us as we are at many ages and stages of life here. With us , can I say "more matured" members have experienced many of the changes that come with a long term partnership already in progress before our strokes. That throws more mystery into what we are trying to figure out post-stroke. Relationships are all delicate in different ways. I hope this creates some good discussion. It's a common (I hope) denominator across the board. I plan on adding some thoughts when I get them organized. I do know one thing for sure, the relationship one has with a person when they spend that 1st night togather and go to bed together 41 years later is very different. For you Kelli as a father of a 40 year old female part of me worries about you too. You do sound cautious and that you  have family to help look out for you. I guess I was naive all these years and never realized until the crap in the news recently the creeps that were out there. Seriously it's embarrassing as a male. 

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I do have a good head and family when it come to that.❤️... 

 

 Some issues that have been discussed here are:

 

-loss of drive

(women  and men )- bladder weakness 

- women have vaginal dryness

-feeling attractive

 

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3 minutes ago, ksmith said:

I do have a good head and family when it come to that.❤️... 

 

 Some issues that have been discussed here are:

 

-loss of drive

(women  and men )- bladder weakness 

- women have vaginal dryness

-feeling attractive

 

I can sense that about you Kelli. One of the things April and I laugh about is how "they" want us, as we age, to feel that we should still have erections like we were 25 years old again. I hear there's a pill for that. lol Women can also have a moist vagina again with a hormone cream I think it is. I will say this and I think your parents will agree. If you make it together through the years that partner better be something like a best friend at that point. Sex is great and a nice thing to share always but at 69 and 64 years old love is sometimes shown for each other with sex but also in many other ways. Every relationship is different. I can think of nothing I would like to hear more then that you have found a soulmate and partner. Keep the faith girl. My experience after all this time is that fate usually brings 2 people together.

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I feel for my husband on this one.

 

We married at 26 (me) and 28 (him).

 

I wanted to wait until our wedding night, and thankfully he respected my decision. 

 

We'd only been married 15 years when This happened, and it changed our sex life dramatically. 

 

I know I married a wonderful man, as he has never become angry or forced me. And he stayed. 

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you must continue to show your love in other ways,kissing hello,goodnight,etc.Holding hands, spending quiet time together at a dinner out, etc.This works.:)

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5 hours ago, GreenQueen said:

I feel for my husband on this one.

 

We married at 26 (me) and 28 (him).

 

I wanted to wait until our wedding night, and thankfully he respected my decision. 

 

We'd only been married 15 years when This happened, and it changed our sex life dramatically. 

 

I know I married a wonderful man, as he has never become angry or forced me. And he stayed. 

True love for sure.

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5 hours ago, alansd said:

you must continue to show your love in other ways,kissing hello,goodnight,etc.Holding hands, spending quiet time together at a dinner out, etc.This works.:)

YES! That is how it's done alansd. I often will slide my hand over in bed during the night and simply lay the back of my hand against April not knowing how many more nights we will have together or how many more nights I will be here to or have her next to me. Hoping fo several more years. Thy will be done! 

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On 10/2/2019 at 8:54 AM, alansd said:

you must continue to show your love in other ways,kissing hello,goodnight,etc.Holding hands, spending quiet time together at a dinner out, etc.This works.:)

 I agree although there are people who still want to have sex. Somethings I've brought up before is the use of sex enhancers ( toys) . Some of the ladies who attended the chat for that where older and not interested in sexual relationships.  People younger, or still active, find it hard to approach this topic.

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10 hours ago, ksmith said:

 I agree although there are people who still want to have sex. Somethings I've brought up before is the use of sex enhancers ( toys) . Some of the ladies who attended the chat for that where older and not interested in sexual relationships.  People younger, or still active, find it hard to approach this topic.

Absolutely! Our saying is "quality over quantity". We laugh and laugh about that one. Yes to toys, especially for the gals. Gosh why not.

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Hi,

    Marriage is not totallly about sex, but I understand that it's usually pretty important to the younger folk. It's also an unspoken closeness to be shared, like laying close together, holding hands, snuggling and the such. This speaks volumes, too. And for now, thats just great. I just let Sam take his time in this matter, because like everything else in his life, that, too, has changed after his stroke, and I know that it bothers him more than me. We've learned to be greatful for our closeness, and little expressions of our love that does not include much sex right now. To me, this is a small issue in light of everything that we have been through. Alan is so right. We don't know how many years we might have left.

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5 hours ago, AnaJ said:

Hi,

    Marriage is not totallly about sex, but I understand that it's usually pretty important to the younger folk. It's also an unspoken closeness to be shared, like laying close together, holding hands, snuggling and the such. This speaks volumes, too. And for now, thats just great. I just let Sam take his time in this matter, because like everything else in his life, that, too, has changed after his stroke, and I know that it bothers him more than me. We've learned to be greatful for our closeness, and little expressions of our love that does not include much sex right now. To me, this is a small issue in light of everything that we have been through. Alan is so right. We don't know how many years we might have left.

Yes AnaJ you have told our story here as well. So many other ways to care for each other. I think about the blessing of still being with each other after 40 years each night as my head hits the pillow and she is next to me.

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8 hours ago, AnaJ said:

Hi,

    Marriage is not totallly about sex, but I understand that it's usually pretty important to the younger folk. It's also an unspoken closeness to be shared, like laying close together, holding hands, snuggling and the such. This speaks volumes, too. And for now, thats just great. I just let Sam take his time in this matter, because like everything else in his life, that, too, has changed after his stroke, and I know that it bothers him more than me. We've learned to be greatful for our closeness, and little expressions of our love that does not include much sex right now. To me, this is a small issue in light of everything that we have been through. Alan is so right. We don't know how many years we might have left.

you are correct

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42 minutes ago, ksmith said:

you are correct

I also believe the lack of or less sex is more often but not necessarily always a male thing. One of my favorite quotes I read about the "free love" decade  that  I grew up in as a teen is by Joni Mitchell. She said the free love thing was without doubt invented by a man. 😬 As far as the older generation and sex toys is concerned I think it is partly a misunderstanding of what they are compared to what they were when 1st widely introduced years ago. When 1st introduced they were all, can  I say intrusive and not be specific? There are better and far less intrusive options since those days.   

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On 10/4/2019 at 4:42 PM, Willis said:

I also believe the lack of or less sex is more often but not necessarily always a male thing. One of my favorite quotes I read about the "free love" decade  that  I grew up in as a teen is by Joni Mitchell. She said the free love thing was without might be ainvented by a man. 😬 As far as the older generation and sex toys is concerned I think it is partly a misunderstanding of what they are compared to what they were when 1st widely introduced years ago. When 1st introduced they were all, can  I say intrusive and not be specific? There are better and far less intrusive options since those days.   

I couldn't agree more with everything you said. I think it's still a taboo topic for most people. I have no issues with talking about , just about, any topic, But I understand that some things aren't everyone's cup of tea. My mother is a perfect example. She was telling me about a woman in her prayer group who was , shall we say, very open about her concerns. I heard it and was thinking of suggestions for her and my mother was appalled.  I understand that there are many ways to show affection and love. There are people out there that do have these questions and apprehensive to ask for the taboo of it. I hope that those who do have a genuine question, they will ask and not feel ashamed and for those who do not have the desire anymore, allow those who wish to ask. Without judgement.

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7 hours ago, ksmith said:

I couldn't agree more with everything you said. I think it's still a taboo topic for most people. I have no issues with talking about , just about, any topic, But I understand that some things aren't everyone's cup of tea. My mother is a perfect example. She was telling me about a woman in her prayer group who was , shall we say, very open about her concerns. I heard it and was thinking of suggestions for her and my mother was appalled.  I understand that there are many ways to show affection and love. There are people out there that do have these questions and apprehensive to ask for the taboo of it. I hope that those who do have a genuine question, they will ask and not feel ashamed and for those who do not have the desire anymore, allow those who wish to ask. Without judgement.

Yes you said it well. Many are uncomfortable talking about anything personal and I totally understand that probably because I'm at the other end of the spectrum and probably open up too much. The way I've come to look at things like this: we are all part of this human race and all basically experience similar situations, joys and problems so it's not breaking news to talk about almost anything. If someone has a problem with me it's often my carefree attitude and my refusal to take life serious enough for them. I just never saw the point. I will say this, having a stroke got my attention but I see myself turning into the old Bill again. I grinned when you mentioned your mom because April and I have brought up what our moms (both deceased) would have thought of things in the bedroom in these modern times. My Catholic mom who was raised in a boarding home by nuns? oh boy.  

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I believe this thread is great for those of us trying to "renormalize" our lives.  Prior to my stroke, I had multiple urological surgeries, some that helped me and some that hurt me.  I often read a blog for those who have had those surgeries and related problems.  Members on that blog are more than "open" in their discussions.  To be able to discuss things with others that have had strokes,  is valuable.

My wife and I are both in the last year of our 70s.  We are both still trying to find our post stroke activity level.  My open heart surgery and pacemaker also have to be factored in.  (i.e.. could "that" be fatal?)

James

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On 10/9/2019 at 2:17 PM, jwalt said:

I believe this thread is great for those of us trying to "renormalize" our lives.  Prior to my stroke, I had multiple urological surgeries, some that helped me and some that hurt me.  I often read a blog for those who have had those surgeries and related problems.  Members on that blog are more than "open" in their discussions.  To be able to discuss things with others that have had strokes,  is valuable.

My wife and I are both in the last year of our 70s.  We are both still trying to find our post stroke activity level.  My open heart surgery and pacemaker also have to be factored in.  (i.e.. could "that" be fatal?)

James

Yes jwalt renormalize is what it feels like or as they told us our "new normal. You and your Mrs. have a decade  or so on April and I. I'll be 70 next time around and she will be 65.  Things were already beginning to evolve 4 1/2 years ago as a "senior citizen" couple. Intimimcy was always important but we had begun to understand it was many other things that made us a couple. I was usually the instigator when it came to sex.and because of dryness a some discomfort to April it had already become less and less frequent. I fully got it and was already dealing with that no longer being a big part of my life. At 1st after awhile we went back to our old routine a few times but the desire for my wife  for that is pretty much gone. I know she is very deeply in love with me but she doesn't mind that I no longer come up behind her at the kitchen sink for instance and put my arms around her. So I don't. That's the hardest thing for me. I do understand there have been changes. I'm 69, not over weight or anything (170) but 69 getting age spots and all the other cool stuff that come with surviving life this far. Of course the stroke was the clincher. I try to see me now through her eyes. I know I'm not the 32 year old "stud" she moved out to the country farm house with. A couple of dumb city kids who knew nothing about septics or sump pumps. She shows me her love now in so many different ways now and I am nothing but grateful. 

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I think if there had been no stroke or heart problems, I would still be in a quandary.  Should I push ahead and try to keep things happening or should I just relax and and let things cease.  You hate to just give up.  But you also hate fighting for something that is no longer attainable.  My wife has the dryness problem even with lubricant so there is often more pain than enjoyment for her.  And I can't be very pleased with my performance if it resulted in her pain.  Like I said "quandary".  

This is one subject area where "no pain, no gain" doesn't apply.  As with other stroke related problems, there probably isn't a solution; but, it is still good to discuss it. 

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5 hours ago, jwalt said:

I think if there had been no stroke or heart problems, I would still be in a quandary.  Should I push ahead and try to keep things happening or should I just relax and and let things cease.  You hate to just give up.  But you also hate fighting for something that is no longer attainable.  My wife has the dryness problem even with lubricant so there is often more pain than enjoyment for her.  And I can't be very pleased with my performance if it resulted in her pain.  Like I said "quandary".  

This is one subject area where "no pain, no gain" doesn't apply.  As with other stroke related problems, there probably isn't a solution; but, it is still good to discuss it. 

The pain factor was huge and made me understand these changes both sexes go through as we age. I think you well know jwalt as I do that if you and your love weren't best friends at this point there wouldn't be much of a relationship.   

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Oh Yes!  Relationships are important.  We will celebrate our 61st anniversary in a couple of months.  Best friends and holding on as long as we can.  Willis, sounds like you and April understand what is important in this old world.  😁😊

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James! That's fantastic!

Kudos to you and the missus!

 

J x

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Thank you, Janelle.  And thanks to Kelli for starting this thread.  I think I have answered some of my own questions about this subject.  Time spent on stroke net has been my best time for the last week.  I've hit a low time that I will just have to work my way through.  Onward and upward and thanks for letting me whine a bit.

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James, we all got you during low times.

 

J x 

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