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I guess this is a little backwards considering I'm the one who has had many strokes. I really thought I had lucked out in getting a spouse who worked with mentally disabled people. She even has a degree in it. I didn't know I'd have like 7 strokes but felt lucky that I did have them with her helping me through it. My last stroke was in 2015. I'm learning to live with my deficits. I have good days and bad days like anyone. Only now when we go babysit our grand daughters she gets mean to me. I get fussed at like I am a little kid. If I spill milk filling a bottle she gets on me like I mean to do these things. Food gets on my shirt now. Every time. But lately she says I'm just being messy to make more work for her.  If she asks me to do something I have a huge problem trying to remember it. I forget why I'm at Walmart ten feet into the building. Now according to her I am being lazy. She acts like I no longer have these deficits. But I do. They'll never go away. She yells at me in front of my grand kids and it makes me feel about one inch tall. When we are home she doesn't do this stuff much at all. But she brings up the "d" word a couple times per week while there. 

 

I can't leave out that she too is now disabled. She has gained so much weight that her knees and legs are starting to buckle. It hurts her quite badly she says. If I even come close to suggesting a change in diet or eating habits she swears her blood sugar gets low and she can't think or something if she doesn't eat. She is worrying me that she will actually divorce me over my deficits. We haven't made love in over a year. I get this vibe from her like she is trying to raise two kids, me and her adult leech of a son. And I seriously do not like it.

 

Is she just plain tired of me? Is our relationship in jeopardy? Honestly I don't think I could date like this. Especially with how I can't speak under duress. I get the word salad and stuttering. I don't know. Any help?

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I'm sorry you are feeling these things. 

Having someone around you that knows your issues and has dealt with others with challenges themselves, is helpful. You do not have a mental handicap.

Reading that I felt like, this may not be true but it's what I read out of it, she may be annoyed more because she is now disabled and having a more difficult time with her own mobility.

She may want you to help her , the way she did for you, and she has become so accustomed to your deficits. True these problems never go away. Maybe  you and she can sit down and ask each other what you both could do to help your relationship.

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I agree with Kelli, it sounds like she is frustrated and stressed and taking it out on the closest person which just happens to be you.  Years of being the caregiver and responsible person means that now she has her own issues she doesn't "see" what' she's doing to you, or how hard she is being on others. I bet her self talk is "I have to do... and he's just making it harder. "

Bottled up feelings can have this effect you both need to sit down and talk. and hopefully make a plan together on how you can share the load and help each other

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I'm sorry, but I can't offer you an explanation for her behavior. It just doesn't make sense. Usually, people will say things like this when they are home, and in their comfort zone. But, you're saying that it's just the opposite - that she's mean to you only when you're both away. Why? Also, she was trained in special ed., so it would seem that bullying a handicapped person would be against her nature. But, she does it anyway? I could be wrong, but it just doesn't make sense to me. Too many unanswered questions. I suggest marital counseling for you 2, because there is a lot going on.here, and ya'll could use some help sorting it out.   Becky

 

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10 hours ago, ksmith said:

I'm sorry you are feeling these things. 

Having someone around you that knows your issues and has dealt with others with challenges themselves, is helpful. You do not have a mental handicap.

Reading that I felt like, this may not be true but it's what I read out of it, she may be annoyed more because she is now disabled and having a more difficult time with her own mobility.

She may want you to help her , the way she did for you, and she has become so accustomed to your deficits. True these problems never go away. Maybe  you and she can sit down and ask each other what you both could do to help your relationship.

Good point Kelli. She may very well be pissed about her own situation now and especially knowing in the back of her mind she could have avoided this disability. I know I realized I had to let my wife know when I appear angry sometimes it's just me being annoyed by my situation. It happens and in a minute or 2 I'm over it. Wha-wah lol

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Thanks for your opinions. She has not lost it at me the last couple times babysitting. After thinking about it for several days I think she is feeling the results of being rather plump. Her knees are giving out and her feet and back too. She is quite uncomfortable. Funny aside, I told her to have smaller portions and eat less. Her stomach as taken to refusing too much food or food that has been fried. She is about 150 pounds over weight. I'm no slim fella either. I'm a good 50 pounds over weight. Not working and having strokes has forced me to be quite sedate.

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14 hours ago, Xevious said:

Thanks for your opinions. She has not lost it at me the last couple times babysitting

Are you referring to you? I’m asking because you aren’t a ‘baby ‘ and I don’t think you should ever think of yourself that way 

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Kelli I think he's referring to babysitting the grandkids, which was one of the places where she lost it that most upset him.

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Yesterday was great.  No yelling or anything. Today not so much. As I was in the process of catching a falling baby she kept fussing at me for doing it wrong and she kept getting louder until I raised my voice a little bit telling her I got it.  Fire flashed in her eyes and she got this evil look and cussed me for raising my voice. After that I tried to keep my mouth shut out of fear of further raising her ire. 

 

As we were getting home she called me an knucklehead several times and then belittled me like it was the most true thing in the world. She kept on fussing  and I told her that I knew she didn't find me attractive anymore and now she didn't like my personality either. She got awfully angry at me and didn't speak to me anymore. She showered and went to bed. 

 

We have to go back for another 14 hours tomorrow. And on and on until Saturday. Monday it's back to the grinder. I doubt I will go to bed until 1 or 2 am.  I don't know how long I am supposed to put up with this. I liked being married. It was enjoyable for years. Then this and everything goes haywire. 

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On 10/8/2019 at 7:24 PM, heathber said:

Kelli I think he's referring to babysitting the grandkids, which was one of the places where she lost it that most upset him.

you are correct. I read that wrong. My apologies

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On 10/8/2019 at 8:55 PM, Xevious said:

Yesterday was great.  No yelling or anything. Today not so much. As I was in the process of catching a falling baby she kept fussing at me for doing it wrong and she kept getting louder until I raised my voice a little bit telling her I got it.  Fire flashed in her eyes and she got this evil look and cussed me for raising my voice. After that I tried to keep my mouth shut out of fear of further raising her ire. 

 

As we were getting home she called me an knucklehead several times and then belittled me like it was the most true thing in the world. She kept on fussing  and I told her that I knew she didn't find me attractive anymore and now she didn't like my personality either. She got awfully angry at me and didn't speak to me anymore. She showered and went to bed. 

 

We have to go back for another 14 hours tomorrow. And on and on until Saturday. Monday it's back to the grinder. I doubt I will go to bed until 1 or 2 am.  I don't know how long I am supposed to put up with this. I liked being married. It was enjoyable for years. Then this and everything goes haywire. 

Now I'm on board with the corrected information, I'm terribly sorry that it's like this.  Have you talked to her?

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Yes this really sounds like it going to need some talk therapy/couples counseling. You need to get to the root of the problem and together find a way forward. The way she is behaving in front of the young children is not acceptable. but you can't exactly send her to the naughty corner.  The sooner you can both sit down and have a quiet talk about what's happening the better.

 

Good luck with it and hugs for you both.

-Heather

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My fear is it sounds like she has got you so upset and stressed she's going to cause you to have another stroke. Is there any desire or opportunity to get away from her all together? You are in a very unenviable position on top of dealing with your stroke. I think I speak for all of us who are following this by saying, we are all very concerned for you.

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I'm sure you love the grandkids, no doubt there.

But, is it doing either of you any favours?

Maybe time off that duty to allow you both to address these important issues. 

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As a caregiver I had to give up minding my two little grandsons, it was too much for me and Ray was stressing. The problem for  me was it was necessary to give up so much of my life in order to care for Ray that my life became like patchwork. Being a full time caregiver is a hard job with adjustments on both sides. I don't know how you do that, Ray and I muddled on for years through good times (few) and bad times (many) for love a sense of duty and knowing we had a better chance of happiness together than apart. I guess you weigh up the good and the bad and make your decision based on that. You can't change your partner but you can change how you deal with the problems. Just my two cents worth. Hope you can find your way through this.

 

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I think that GQ has the perfect solution: Don't babysit the grandkids together.  There's something about doing this that's setting her off. Maybe it's just that her own handicaps become more apparent to her as she chases the kids down, and it makes her hurt so she takes it out on you. Maybe she thinks that if you helped her more, she wouldn't hurt so much. Who knows? I sill think that you 2 could benefit greatly from couple's therapy. Hope you find an answer soon. Becky

 

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