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Anyone in a sexless marriage

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My husband lives in a nursing home for the past year, after having his stroke 10 years ago. We’re married, and I visit him almost daily, but there is no sexual relationship. I haven’t had sex for 10 years and I’m only 60. Anyone else like me here?

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I was in that position from 1999, the major strokes took that away from us. It is sad that such an important part of our lives just disappeared. I loved my husband and looked after him for 13 years but our relationship changed and I was more nurse than wife. Difficult for me to think of even now, I just put that part of my life aside and went on doing the things that had to be done. Companionship rather than love became the norm in our lives. No regrets, just a few wistful moments when I see older couples walking hand in hand and wish that could have been us. Ray died seven years ago and although I have many friends a second love has never come along.

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Since my stroke we haven't had sex.  Nothing physical, I've just felt sort of broken mentally/emotionally.  I know that Linda is not happy about this (and neither am I, come to that).  We're trying to restart, which is surprisingly difficult -- she wants me to initiate things, and I am now very very bad at timing, trying to start the ball rolling, and so on.

 

In some ways trying and failing is worse than not trying.  We'll keep on until we get it right.

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My wife and I are both 79 and both have some health issues.  Timing is always a problem.  The times when I am up for it, she is feeling poorly or has an injury and vice-versa.  The times when we are both in good shape, we usually do things with family or friends and by the time we get home, we are just too tired.  I think Paul has it right that you just have to keep trying until you get it right.  Just keep on keeping on.

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We do, but I must admit it's not fun.

 

I find it hard getting into the right position without some part of my body aching.

 

Our relationship has changed big time. Like most of us, there's a lot of caregiver / survivor going on these days.

 

That's why I accept the struggles, as it keeps us "married".

 

J x 

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Less sex all the time and that was happening already. Honestly I am feeling stronger love these days in other ways. I think our ages have as much to do with this stuff as anything. Plus we more than made up for less now by over doing it back when! lol  ✌️ 

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3 hours ago, Willis said:

 I am feeling stronger love these days in other ways. 

 

Absolutely. 

I have Wayne, over time, three chances to walk away. 

He stayed.

Sex is a part of marriage, but it's not all of marriage. 

 

J x

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Right GQ overtime for our special caregivers. What would our lives be and where would we be without them? I know the question comes to mind how we would react if the tables were turned. I am confident that like April I would be there for her. Even if I had to step up now in my compromised condition I'm confident I would find a way. 

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Absolutely Willis. Being a partner to someone is exactly that; sharing.

 

Wayne has had a very difficult time with his mother recently.   What we lack in the bedroom is definitely made up in other ways.  He needs to hear from me that he's wanted, needed and loved.

That, I can do.

 

J x

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It certainly is,  Willis. 

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On 10/28/2019 at 2:31 AM, GreenQueen said:

We do, but I must admit it's not fun.

 

I find it hard getting into the right position without some part of my body aching.

 

Our relationship has changed big time. Like most of us, there's a lot of caregiver / survivor going on these days.

 

That's why I accept the struggles, as it keeps us "married".

 

J x 

I'm so sorry.

Finding the right position or time can , and is , challenging.  

 

I have had the enjoyment of another but , it's in my head, it's difficult for me. I'm not happy with the issues, or lack of mobility and , as stated in another thread, a change in my 'pleasure'  ( vaginal dryness)   Yes , we've talked about lubes and whatnot but it's a change in how fast, or frequency, I can get into the mood.  In my mind I think, 'boy does this show him how I'm not really into this?' even though I want to 

 

((keeping this a PG as possible ))

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What a subject but it effects all of us :huh:hang in there 

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👩‍❤️‍👨This may be a race that I'm going to lose.  The other runner just does not show up at race time.  I hate not having the sexual companionship but also hate what it does to my self image and confidence.  I'm not sure how to "move on".  Most other areas such as how I walk, how I talk, how I look - I can just accept the status quo and move on; but this sexual area seems to keep coming back and challenging me.  But I guess there is another way to look at it -- If you are the only one running and you still can run alone, you will win every race.😜

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22 hours ago, jwalt said:

👩‍❤️‍👨This may be a race that I'm going to lose.  The other runner just does not show up at race time.  I hate not having the sexual companionship but also hate what it does to my self image and confidence.  I'm not sure how to "move on".  Most other areas such as how I walk, how I talk, how I look - I can just accept the status quo and move on; but this sexual area seems to keep coming back and challenging me.  But I guess there is another way to look at it -- If you are the only one running and you still can run alone, you will win every race.😜

one suggestion I have, and have shared before, if the the use of a sexual toy.  you are the  captain of that and you both could share the experience..  ( am I off base?) 

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Kelli,

No, you are not off base.  Your advice is good and warrants another try by me and mine.  Maybe that pink bunny, banging the drum is a new normal?

James

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there is nothing wrong with that.  I mean you are still involved with her, just not in THAT way, but you can steer the boat 😉

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I can't believe that I am discussing this subject on this site and I am comfortable doing so.  Just goes to show the trust and caring shown by the people on the site.  Several who have responded to this subject have acknowledged to having problems with their intimacy and that makes me less bothered about my situation.  Thanks to all.

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On 11/16/2019 at 1:51 PM, jwalt said:

I can't believe that I am discussing this subject on this site and I am comfortable doing so.  Just goes to show the trust and caring shown by the people on the site.  Several who have responded to this subject have acknowledged to having problems with their intimacy and that makes me less bothered about my situation.  Thanks to all.

I'm so glad you feel comfortable.

The bottom line is, WE GET IT. I am happy you feel comfortable knowing that anyone who shares their situation, is trying to , like you, seek information on an intimacy problem. It's also, like you said, comforting to see other people are having similar experiencing something we may have thought we were going through alone.   

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James, I agree. There’s no way I would discuss this with others off this site.  I tried once, and received pity. I don’t think pity is what we are all after. Probably more understanding.

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 So finally last Wed. afternoon my wife and I made the the time to get together and satisfy each other. It had been awhile. She has always said I wait too long to get things going as she gets up at 5 even in retirement now and will fall asleep at 7:30 or 8:00.. A day or 2 more before the end of the year and she is done and will be home all the time. Even so I know it won't be and don't want it to be the wild and frequent romps we had when I was 28 and she was 23 and we 1st met lol. Boy how things change. Achieving satisfaction as a 69 and 64 year old are a bit different now days but still so satisfying to share. I was telling her that one thing that works against me getting stiff these days is the 2 BP meds I take. Then I told her that knowing her she might ask the doc to double my dose. We laughed until our sides hurt. The next day I didn't have it at all as far as any energy went and she said it was because of her the day before! I said right we better cut that out. We laughed and laughed.

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whenever you look at sex "from the outside" as it were it strikes you how funny it is really. But shared laughter is almost as satisfying in some way. Either way worth using some spoons for. Love your attitude.

Heather 

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Thanks Heather! You said it "Laughing". Good for the body and soul for sure. 

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I agree with Heather. I'm happy that you ans she talked about it and have an understanding that the want s there. My parents woke up at 5am for years and still do ,even in retirement.

My father, thank goodness he doesn't read the boards lol) is seeking help from his doctor to assist with him. When you don't use something for a while, you tend to lose it. I learned French in school and hardly use it , so i lost it.  I'm thinking my issues are basically stemming from a lack of using 😞 ?

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I use to get up at 4 when I worked and was out of the house by 4:15. I had it down to an art. Clothes ready the night before, all my food for the day grouped together in the fridge ready to put into my work cooler. That was for most of my last 28 years of my 40 working at a university. I had a couple motivating factors. For one I had a 50 mile one way door to door drive and avoiding any rush hour traffic was a must. Two the free parking was very very limited around campus. When I got there a little after 5 there were a few spots right below my window where I worked on the Mezzanine. I didn't start until 6 so I could set my phone alarm and curl up on the bench seat of my van and nap for almost another hour. It was a pretty cool set up actually.

 The thing with aging and sex is that as with all other parts of our bods aging affects that do. Men can't forever have the same erections they did when they were in their 20's and are fools to expect to unless you want a pill to do it for them. Women become dry and also sometimes find somethings they they use to enjoy are now uncomfortable and even painful. Things once firm have now begun to sag. 😩 Aging, it's a beautiful thing if we embrace it. I almost missed these last 5 years, so glad I didn't. I always look forward to the input from Kelli and Heather! Thanks!  

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