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Anyone in a sexless marriage

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12 hours ago, Willis said:

Aging, it's a beautiful thing if we embrace it. I

I think this is my absolute favorite quote .  

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I guess I'll weigh in on this topic. Again,  not sure how to make conversations flow on here but I'll try. I'm not married. I have a long term domestic partner. PS(Pre stroke) we had a very good sexual relationship. We have only had sex twice in the last six months. The first time it was just ok. Not very comfortable. The next time was last week, and it was still somewhat uncomfortable because I couldn't position exactly the way I wanted but it still worked out for me. It didn't really work out for him because he thinks he's hurting me in some way. It really hit my confidence but he assured me we would keep trying, we'll figure it out. 

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I cant contribute anything to this conversation but I must congratulate all those who have subscribed. It is a difficult subject to bring up in conversation and even more difficult to write about. Even if you don't get the answers you want, you should accept that others will gain information by just reading the conversations and perhaps help them with their own.

Deigh

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On 12/7/2019 at 3:18 PM, Deigh said:

I cant contribute anything to this conversation but I must congratulate all those who have subscribed. It is a difficult subject to bring up in conversation and even more difficult to write about. Even if you don't get the answers you want, you should accept that others will gain information by just reading the conversations and perhaps help them with their own.

Deigh

I completely agree. Just talking about this can help others get ideas, not feel so isolated, even if they aren't comfortable taking about it. I, personally, feel that it's much like passing gas.... we all do it. Yes, not everyone has sexual relations but it's something that we, as humans, think about . My mother is one who talking about this topic is so taboo. Maybe it's a generational gap thing because I am very open minded and feel 'if I don't bring up my shortfalls, I'll never get any answers'

 

I often think because my body  doesn't look like a 'normal' body. I literally just had the thought, hey I've been through hell. I rock but I'll still feel self -conscious  

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Yes. I do think we need to talk about this. Sex was a very big part of my relationship prior to my stroke. It's not the only thing keeping us together obviously because he's still here. It's very important to me though. I have to start trying to get in different positions though...Haha. 

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Yes leolady820 it's just another thing on our plate and depending our ages, abilities and desirers. As you stated you are still together and that says a lot about love regular sex or not.  

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On 12/6/2019 at 11:28 AM, ksmith said:

I think this is my absolute favorite quote .  

Thanks Kelli! Remind me I said that from time to time. lol I will probably need it.

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You're absolutely right. Us not being married, he has no obligation to stick around. I've given him multiple opportunities to leave but he stays around and helps me. I'm still a little surprised because he's significantly younger than me and I guess I just figured he would be like "eff this, I didn't sign up for this, I'm out of here." I hope it's because he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if it's just so he doesn't look like a piece of *beep* for leaving. That could just be me though. I never had problems with confidence or self esteem but I have had some issues with it since my stroke. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has dealt with this?

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And yeah, Kelli is it? I can't talk to my mother about this either, among so many other things... I don't think it's a generational thing with her. I think it's more of a personality difference. Anyway, I know the feeling. It's nice to be able to get things out on here though at least. Glad I signed up.

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1 hour ago, leolady820 said:

You're absolutely right. Us not being married, he has no obligation to stick around. I've given him multiple opportunities to leave but he stays around and helps me. I'm still a little surprised because he's significantly younger than me and I guess I just figured he would be like "eff this, I didn't sign up for this, I'm out of here." I hope it's because he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if it's just so he doesn't look like a piece of *beep* for leaving. That could just be me though. I never had problems with confidence or self esteem but I have had some issues with it since my stroke. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has dealt with this?

OK so I learned this in Marriage counseling ( my marriage was over regardless) was he , your partner, wouldn't be there  I used to tell my ex to leave all the time. I almost made it okay, in my mind, to justify him leaving. Our marriage was over before the stroke but he stuck by my side for 5 years after to help me get back on to my feet. He truly is one of my best friends.

 

ANYWAY~

 

 I know, speaking only about me, I was hyper jealous. He was under stress, that I wasn't not aware of, or thought of.  He now had to pay all the bills, cook all the meals, household chores, plus manage my doctor appointments, plus my needs. I was worried about him not looking elsewhere or cheat on me when , in fact, he was completely overwhelmed and thinking about sex was the LAST thing on his mind. Now over time, things became less stressed and would have been a good time to start to incorporate sexual relations again, for us it was I lost ( another story) . Understanding what he has to go through is a sure fire way to let him know you appropriate him. We, me mainly, only focused on my challenges  and forgot his. I'm sharing what I learned along the way

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Wow. Thank you for that. It's enlightening.  I try to let him know I appreciate him. I think I'll take it a little further and make it more frequent. This also let's me know how lucky I am. He really isn't what you would consider a patient person but he definitely has become more patient through this. That alone is appreciated. I'm not a jealous person though but I understand how you feel/felt because my confidence took a hit after this. I am regaining my self esteem and confidence and no longer hate to look in the mirror. I couldn't stand the sight of myself for a while. I know I'm making progress now because  that's not the case. He tells me I never "got ugly". It's all in my own head because I'm not like my old self. I guess I need people on the outside to remind me of this stuff. I sometimes think he's saying these things just to make me feel better.

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Using a sleepless moment tonight to catch up with my fellow survivor thoughts. This is a subject that I think we all think about and it's about darn time to hear some great open discussion! 😁 Believe it or not for the first year post stroke I was semi active at getting my groove on. In all honesty, it was more about allowing someone to satisfy their needs... I could have done without. I do know it happened twice before my stroke was diagnosed (it was misdiagnosed for 2 months). I can only remember feeling like I was going to croak but I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had close to 0 muscle strength and hallucinated in the dark so really not any good memories. Today I am single. I know I could pretty much at any time have sex... I know who, where and know it doesn't come with strings attached but guess what... I don't want to. I'm always exhausted and still have pretty severe emotional lability even almost 5 years later. That along with a large list of daily meds equals for the most part....again I don't want to. It still works! A little research is confirmation lol. I know that much of my issues come from medication. I am, however, very aware of the fact that I can't perform as I did in the past. I'm sorta glad I'm single. 😉 I have what I need to fulfill any moments of need or energy bursts so I'm all good. Recently, I have been spending time with a fellow stroke survivor from my local support group. It is a subject that I think maybe we both feel uncomfortable with. I find myself over worrying at moments which can only make things worse. I very much enjoy the company though... See myself curled up sleeping next to him. In my head this all intimate but not sexual. Knowing that I am only 48, I feel like there is a sort of expectation but I think I am not the one to fill that. Maybe one day who knows. For now, it's me and my secret drawer and I am 100% OK with that (and that is a rare occasion lol). I certainly wish everyone happy explorations! I also agree, laughter is wonderful medicine. 

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Yea. Laughter is wonderful medicine, and your drawer is not a secret anymore Haha. Thank you for that Tracy! I'm glad to have people to talk to about this because I think about it! I want to do it for him and for  me. I'm just going to keep working on getting physically stronger because this really one of my goals. It might seem like a weird goal to some but it's a goal for me to have good, comfortable sex again.

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That is a very admirable goal. 😊 Remember...trying can be just as much fun as succeeding! You can absolutely make this a fun goal for you both! Baby steps lead to big steps lead to leaps and bounds. Enjoy every step of the way! 😉

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Here here Tracy! I completely agree! 

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I've always wanted to post here but just don't know how to express myself right. 

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Just start talking man. I'm sure we'll figure it out!

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Remember " No one loves you like you do "  :wink:

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Well said Ed!!! Happy New Year! 🎊🎉

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Thanks Tracy

I was going to say wax on.....wax off but did not want to upset others, it was just a joke :lol:

Hope all is well

Ed

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Wax off hee hee😜

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That's the one time having a 3rd hand might come in handy...........🐒 or 🐔

 

:rofl:

Ed

 

 

I used to keep one of each zip tied to the top struts holding up the top on my golf cart when I Drag raced, when I was in the lanes

I had more people ask why I had a Monkey and Chicken zip tied  and when I told them the comments were priceless, in Drag Racing sometimes we are called up to race but have to wait hours........what else do you do with your spare time, I got the chicken at Ceasers Palace up in the arcade and they would not sell it to me but use them to win prizes, you would toss them into a bucket, pay $5.00 and got 3 of them so I used 2 and kept the 3rd one for my Golf Cart , sorry for the long read but that's something the stroke did not take were my memories......................thank god

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So! Sometimes I am too chicken to monkey around. and Sometimes my chicken goes cold turkey when my monkey turns Ape.  And just the thought of zip ties can cool the ardor.

My wife and I are trying different things and some of them are working, so mostly good news.  At least I have the pseudo Bulbar affect to blame if there is crying.

Love ya all!!!

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I too have PBA , so I understand.  I applaud you for trying new things. It's never easy to discuss or explore relationship issues.  I'm very happy you have good  news with your new ways  🙂

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3 hours ago, jwalt said:

Sometimes I am too chicken to monkey around

 

You may be pussying around too much. It is not the occasion for horseplay or bull at a gate, but to be dogged is important. If things go wrong you must grin and bear it. Be like a mouse when the cat's away and play.

Deigh

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