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PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE FRAGILE

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PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE FRAGILE AT THE MOMENT 

 

Willis, please forgive me for singling you out.

 

I've just read on a different thread, that at one stage Willis thought about ending it.

 

This made me so sad...look at the friendship we all would have missed out on, for a start.

 

When it was my first anniversary, not saying I seriously thought about ending it (can't remember to be honest) but I do remember asking Wayne to remove a particular knife from the house. Just in case.

 

I'm amazed at how far I have come mentally, if not physically, since then.

 

I really don't want to drag up uncomfortable memories for anyone, so please don't feel obliged to answer.

 

But, are Willis and I the only ones?

 

Lifeline USA

1-800-273-8255

 

Lifeline Canada 

1833 456 4566

 

Lifeline Aust

13 11 44

 

Lifeline NZ

0800 543 354

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1 hour ago, GreenQueen said:

PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE FRAGILE AT THE MOMENT 

 

Willis, please forgive me for singling you out.

 

I've just read on a different thread, that at one stage Willis thought about ending it.

 

This made me so sad...look at the friendship we all would have missed out on, for a start.

 

When it was my first anniversary, not saying I seriously thought about ending it (can't remember to be honest) but I do remember asking Wayne to remove a particular knife from the house. Just in case.

 

I'm amazed at how far I have come mentally, if not physically, since then.

 

I really don't want to drag up uncomfortable memories for anyone, so please don't feel obliged to answer.

 

But, are Willis and I the only ones?

 

Lifeline USA

1-800-273-8255

 

Lifeline Canada 

1833 456 4566

 

Lifeline Aust

13 11 44

Cheers!

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I thank you Kelli for your very kind words and thoughts. Thankfully that passed and never reared it's ugly head again. It really freaked me out and surprised me when it happened because I have always, always been a glass half full person. One of the problems other "adults" usually have with me is how I don't take life very seriously and find humor somewhere in most everything. Please don't worry Kelli I'm good and not going anywhere! That is unless April decides she has had enough of my crap and gets the .22 pistol out of the drawer. lol! I know I'm safe because I haven't taught her to shoot it yet. Phew.... Girl with all that is on your plate I can't believe and am touched by your concern for others. Your heart is so pure and I'm confident you will be rewarded for that someday. The way the world and my country are these days it's uplifting to be touched by such special friends.

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2 hours ago, GreenQueen said:

PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE FRAGILE AT THE MOMENT 

 

Willis, please forgive me for singling you out.

 

I've just read on a different thread, that at one stage Willis thought about ending it.

 

This made me so sad...look at the friendship we all would have missed out on, for a start.

 

When it was my first anniversary, not saying I seriously thought about ending it (can't remember to be honest) but I do remember asking Wayne to remove a particular knife from the house. Just in case.

 

I'm amazed at how far I have come mentally, if not physically, since then.

 

I really don't want to drag up uncomfortable memories for anyone, so please don't feel obliged to answer.

 

But, are Willis and I the only ones?

 

Lifeline USA

1-800-273-8255

 

Lifeline Canada 

1833 456 4566

 

Lifeline Aust

13 11 44

 

Lifeline NZ

0800 543 354

 

2 hours ago, GreenQueen said:

PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE FRAGILE AT THE MOMENT 

 

Willis, please forgive me for singling you out.

 

I've just read on a different thread, that at one stage Willis thought about ending it.

 

This made me so sad...look at the friendship we all would have missed out on, for a start.

 

When it was my first anniversary, not saying I seriously thought about ending it (can't remember to be honest) but I do remember asking Wayne to remove a particular knife from the house. Just in case.

 

I'm amazed at how far I have come mentally, if not physically, since then.

 

I really don't want to drag up uncomfortable memories for anyone, so please don't feel obliged to answer.

 

But, are Willis and I the only ones?

 

Lifeline USA

1-800-273-8255

 

Lifeline Canada 

1833 456 4566

 

Lifeline Aust

13 11 44

 

Lifeline NZ

0800 543 354

Thank you GreenQueen! That was all due to the darn stroke but I am back to my old self again. (For better or worse lol)

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GreenQueen my apologies. Stroke boy missed the author of that kind post. Still it doesn't change how I feel about you Kelli and so many others here.

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SHe has a heart of gold. Hey we all have our battles and we are all here for each other

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3 hours ago, ksmith said:

SHe has a heart of gold. Hey we all have our battles and we are all here for each other

👍

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>> But, are Willis and I the only ones?

 

No, you are not.  I often think that things would have been far better for everyone if my stroke had been fatal, and often this about suicide.  However, I would never do it because, however much of a burden I may feel that I am, I know that the impact on my family would be enormous.

 

I mentioned to my wife once that I thought that everyone would have been far better off is my stroke had been fatal.  She was so upset at the thought that I never mentioned it again, never told her when I feel that way.  I hate hiding things from her, but I don't want to add to the burden.  So when that happens, I keep my thoughts to myself and plod on.  Like all things, these thoughts eventually pass.

 

       paul

       (in a pretty gloomy mood right now, after running into brick walls non-stop for the last few days)

 

 

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I can honestly say no you are not alone. For 2 months after the stroke I was undiagnosed yet truly on a different planet. That was the very worst time and I contemplated ending it somehow. I would talk to myself (out loud or in my head I'm not sure) and say "I just can't live like this". During most of that 1st year I was on a different plane (felt like planet) alone. So alone and scared. It was like my mind and body thought and moved through jello and it was devastating. It took me a while to connect with other survivors... It saved me from myself. That is when I began to want and have the will to go on. It is difficult to think about... Truly tears me up inside but I made a decision to reach out to others and to hopefully help another who may be feeling that way now. I give that pain to God every day. Thank you Lord! 

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3 hours ago, PaulNash said:

 

       (in a pretty gloomy mood right now, after running into brick walls non-stop for the last few days)

 

 

 

Paul thankful for your honest reply.

I normally answer the hard questions when I'm jovial, but to have an answer stemming from a dark day...that's empathy. 

I'm sorry you are having a bad time of it.

Hopefully tomorrow will be onward and upward. 

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18 hours ago, Willis said:

GreenQueen my apologies. 

Willis, it's all good.

If I didn't know it was me who posted, I would have thought of Kelli too!

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2 hours ago, HostTracy said:

.. Truly tears me up inside but I made a decision to reach out to others and to hopefully help another who may be feeling that way now. I give that pain to God every day. Thank you Lord! 

We are so grateful you made that decision my gorgeous friend.

The Lord is good.

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I was just emailing with wil2 about how close many of us are and yet have never met face to face or talked even on the phone. To be able to open up about one of the most serious and personal things anyone can talk about speaks volumes about our relationships. I'm thrilled to be reading my friends stories about how they've over come these nightmare times in our lives and that you are all here ❤️.

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What Willis said

💜

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What I have learned over the past four years (how time flies when you are having fun :-)) is that these things come and go.  So when I am down, I focus on making it through the next minute, then the next two, then the next five, then the next 1/2 hour, and so on.

 

It's a technique that I learned in the days when I used to run seriously long distances.  If you focus on the finish line, it gets overwhelming.  Instead, air for the next lamppost or tree or whatever.  Once you get there, aim for the one after that.  Lather, rinse, repeat. 

 

Still works for me.  Keep on for another 5 minutes; 10 minutes; then 1/2hour.  Next thing I know, it's bed-time.  And tomorrow is usually brighter.

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Quick datum, reinforcing the above.  Just spent a couple of hours brainstorming somebody else' problems (spinal degeneration) with them.  Getting in the company of others and away from my own moods left me feeling back to normal.  These things come and go, just sent to test us at random intervals.

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Yes I think we all have days were it's overwhelming and we wonder why we bother. But if you can distract yourself with other stuff it's not so bad. The key seems to be to get out of your own head and not dwell on things.

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All

I can honestly say I have never had that thought, ever........................ but Paul called it, there are times I think my family would have been so much better off had the stroke took me.

I think no more feeling like crap most of the days, no more walking like a drunk, dizzy 24/7, fatigue, feeling like a failure because I can't do things I once took for granted, I have given up everything that brought joy and happiness to my life as in work and hobbies and just live day to day.  :scared:

The one thing that keeps me going are my kids but that has its moments, 2 out of 3 don't get it and I don't want to burn out my oldest,  then the wife left and I found out she was having an affair with her best friend the last 10-11 year and possibly longer , yes with another women and yes that screw's with my mind daily.

Yes its hard but I could never do that and be labeled quitter.

I am lucky to have talked to several people here that have helped me from going crazy but I just cant stop thinking of what has happened or how life is now................ but I keep waking up everyday hoping today things will get better.

Sorry but this subject hit home for me :ashamed:

Ed 

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7 hours ago, PaulNash said:

What I have learned over the past four years (how time flies when you are having fun :-)) is that these things come and go.  So when I am down, I focus on making it through the next minute, then the next two, then the next five, then the next 1/2 hour, and so on.

 

It's a technique that I learned in the days when I used to run seriously long distances.  If you focus on the finish line, it gets overwhelming.  Instead, air for the next lamppost or tree or whatever.  Once you get there, aim for the one after that.  Lather, rinse, repeat. 

 

Still works for me.  Keep on for another 5 minutes; 10 minutes; then 1/2hour.  Next thing I know, it's bed-time.  And tomorrow is usually brighter.

Paul I very much agree with you. I am now in acceptance that I am on a sort of roller coaster going up and down. I know I will make the climb and reach the top. I keep myself busy my mind mindlessly busy and bear the descent until the next ascent. It becomes a kind of recipe, routine. A sort of key to getting through. 

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Hey Ed;  I hear you and I sympathize.  I'd guess everyone else does too.  Yes, we feel like crap a lot of the time, loss, frustration, anxiety, pain, regret.  But there are also good moments, and I try to treasure those.  It's a roller-coaster.  

 

I've been on a mindfulness course; the meditation doesn't change anything about my situation, and doesn't always change how I am feeling, but does help to calm me down.  If you haven't tried it, see if you can find someone to teach you.  It may help, needs no pharmaceuticals, can be done anywhere, and as far as I know id legal even in the Southern states of the US :-).  Even just focussing on my breathing while sitting still helps to tune the rest out and bring some peace back.

 

 

 

I'm slowly accepting that things are as they are.  I may not like them, but I have to choose my fights carefully, especially because of having a limited energy budget.  In the bad times I also try to remember that things will improve at some point, I just don't know when or how.

 

One thing that I learned in my ultra-marathon running days:  when you are running out of steam, take things one step at a time.  Don't think of having to run *another* 20, 30, 40, km, just think of the next 1km, 100yards, 10 steps, 1 step if necessary.  Then think about the next one step.  And then the next one.  Just one at a time.

 

It's like the old joke about how to eat an elephant:  one bite at a time.

 

And there are always times when none of this works, and I just give in and embrace the suck.  Let myself be pulled under and embrace just how horrible the situation is.  I don't do anything about it, just feel it and acknowledge it and sob my eyes out.  Eventually I feel completely drained and empty, like I've shampooed and vacuumed my emotions, and then I pick what's left of me up and start again.

 

It isn't easy, not for any of us, whatever our public faces may say.  We are all in a horrible horrible situation, whatever the details may look like.  But we have also been tough enough to survive until now, and are tough enough to keep going.  It is not always pleasant, but the good bits can be good enough to make up for the bad..  At least that is what I tell myself when I am feeling like *beep*.

 

Strength and peace coming your way, and truckloads of love.

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I enjoyed that read PaulNash. You have really started the wheels turning and I'll be thinking about it a good part of the day. I'm going to reread this a few times today and respond in kind when I put something together.. It is packed with things I relate to for sure. Thanks!

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Ed...I'm so very sorry this thread has caused you pain.

Thank you, though, for sharing a very big piece of your puzzle.

We definitely understand each other better, as more puzzle pieces are put in place. 

 

Paul...excellent. 

You have made so much sense with some of your amazing words...Thank you. 

 

Paul you also spoke of meditation.  It's similar, I guess, as I have to block all thoughts out, my surroundings out, everything, and just concentrate. 

 

I was told about an app called Bible in One Year.

 

I'm really really enjoying it. The bible is narrated by David Suchet.  Anyone want info please pm me. Twenty minutes a day.

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The way that I understand mindfulness meditation is that you try to clear your mind.  Thoughts will pop up, you examine them, acknowledge them, tell them that you'll get back to them later and then dismiss them.  It sounds weird, but after a bit of practice it works.  You acknowledge thoughts one by one, until your mind is blank, and then you just sit for a while.

 

The actual relief comes from acknowledging your thoughts, whatever they may be, and however you may feel about them.  No doing anything about them, or giving them any sort of value, just saying to yourself (or to the thought) "OK, I see/hear you, you are telling me _whatever_, I will get back to you later but right now I need some space".  It sounds a bit silly, but it works, and over time you get better and better at it.  Then your mind can just float free without thoughts and feel good.

 

With practice I can do it on the subway, in the dentist waiting room, whatever, still somewhat aware of what is going on around me.

 

Works really well to still an anxious mind

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What I meant to put in, but forgot, is that anything (music, bible, running, staring at a river) that can let you silence the daily noise works really well.  I used to get this way running, back when I was able to run far.  The world just tunes itself out, thoughts silence themselves and there is just the immediate present.

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GreenQueen

You did not upset me one bit, I try my best everyday but it is an up hill battle, its always 2 steps forward and two steps back 

Paul

Wish I could be just a small % of you, I do look up to people just hard after being the person that was the Shell answer guy and everyone thinks hey you can walk and drive a car so that means your just like you once were

Ed

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