So Depressed and ugly


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I have had my stroke 17 years ago. I have never had good relationships with people ever since. I shy away from people and especially to those who were no threat all to me. As a result, The people I have known have turned out to be abusers in every possible way to me (sexual, religous, social and etc.). Now, at 33, I have never known how to make friends, I don't trust anybody and I am so depressed about my whole life being ruined by the stroke.

 

Some of my friends are married and have lovely houses and children, but I wonder why. It is easier to abuse (at least sexually) someone who is handicapped and this is all I remember about relationships.

 

Sometimes I wish I hadn't made it past the ER doors.

 

Do any of you ever have a lot of depresseion over friendships you have lost or the inability to make friends because of your stroke or how people have reacted to you and your new disability?

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Hi! I'm Dora, I am 8 months past those ER doors myself. However, you can't tell by looking at me most of the time that I ever had any problems. Only some of the time. Feel free to PM me to chat when ever you want to!

We all have our hard days!

And here you have like 3000 people to help you through them!

So take advantage of your new support team!

They have helped me out a ton!

See my Bio for my story, you can PM me from there!

 

Dora Jarrell happydance.gif

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Dear Rich,

 

I never had a lot of friends but lost some since the stroke. I do find it hard to make new friends now that I speak so badly. This board has been a good thing for me. At least I can express myself if not get the human contact.

 

You are so young. I feel so sorry for you to have had so many bad experiences. Can you at least talk to a counselor to find some game plan for you to meet people?

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HI RICH,

 

I AGREE. SOME COUNSELING WILL GO A LONG WAY. AS FOR FRIENDS, THOSE WHO WOULDN'T ACCEPT THE "NEW" ME ARE LONG GONE, MY CHOICE. MANY OF MY NEW FRIENDS HAVE COME FROM MY WATER THERAPY CLASS. THOUGH THEY ARE THERE FOR ARTHRITIS HELP, WE EXERCISE TOGETHER AND IT HAS BECOME A SOCIAL OUTLET FOR ME. IF YOU HAVE A SPECIAL INTEREST, AND CAN GET OUT, LOOK FOR A GROUP WHO SHARES THAT INTEREST.

 

YOU HAVE A SIXTH SENSE OF WHO IS SINCERE AND WHO IS NOT. DON'T BE AFRAID TO APPROACH PEOPLE. NOT EVERYONE IS ABUSIVE. THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE READY TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE. I JUST DID.

 

MARTY smile.gif

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Hi,

 

I have found it difficult to make new friends and develop same interests since my stroke. Some co-workers have become my friends since my stroke and I don't think that would have occured if I didn't stroke.

 

You can pm me any time you like.

There are many issues to be concerned about ex. our health,Drs appoints.,

medications,proper rest and there isn't always time to develop relationships

like we wish to.

Take Care

lorrainelm cloud9.gif

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Hi Rich,

 

I also agree, counseling. That is what I have done. It has also helped me alot. Sorry that you were so young. I was 28 when this happened. I was very scared and nervous...and I didn't now if I was coming or going basically. Had to move back with my parents and all -let alone my career. I was so focused on getting rid of the problems..meaning the stroke. I said that I could just go to the gym day in and day out as well as speech. Slowly, I got better, but still have problems. My friends were so important to me. But now it is almost 5 yrs. in Sept. and everyone is moving on in life. One more wedding! Ugh! But eventually, you will meet other people in life that you feel comfortable. Yea, I was really annoyed and depressed at first. Still get it sometimes but that's life. I hold on to some of the old friends and new people will come up when it happens. I am into syncronisity...everything happens for a reason, when it arrives. I guess?

 

But you are important! You will meet other people that you will find. Just have to be patient. It will all work out. But in the mean time be around other people...out into the world. Sometimes, it is hard. Very hard !! And, I now my walking and talking is hard. But you have to push yourself foward. You will meet people...but it takes time. That is the biggest thing for me. Go to the gym, volunteer, even I found an older group to do exercises just to interact. Actually I have people that are all older...very older, but they are sooo comforting to talk to them and they are patient...and I feel relax. It is like an experiment when i go out. So it distances me. But when the people our ages, I get nervous, and annoyed with everything inside... like everything is a competition...I guess dry.gif

 

And yes on the site, you can meet so many people here...

So you can't feel alone happydance.gif

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Dear Rich, I am much older , had stroke at 54..

I do not hear from some of my old friends as much as before stroke.

I have had people that I met since the stroke say they would never know I had a stroke. A previous friend said "If we can't have the old Bonnie we will glkady take whatever we get (I know she means she is glad I am alive, a survivor and yes there are definate changes")

I am married and have one daughter & grandson, have 2 grown step children and 3 more grandkids. I am quiter now and at family gatherings sit back more..

I know our local rehab hospital has a stroke survivor group is there anything like that in your area that you could go to.

Also you will meet many caring people here and can always pm or e mail us. The chat room is also a way to meet the people here and interact..sometimes it is serious and sometimes just joke around and tease...and has been said...please get some professional help, and let someone know if you are being abused..there are sick people out there but there are also good people.......take care and know you have friends here...Bonnie

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I am so glad that so many of you have responded and have given me words to be confident about. I took your advice about the counseling and have had one for less thn a year. In fact, it was she who directed me here.

 

If I could do it all over again, I would liked to have had trustworthy companions when I left the hospital. It was just so hard. They have support groups here in my home town, but I never used them because I was so upset about what had happened.

 

I appreciate so much the responses that I have gotten here and it makes me happy to see that there are others out there.

 

 

Rich

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Rich, so glad about the counseling, and yes hindsight is better than foresight, but sometimes people you think are trustworthy turn out not to be....unfortunate fact of life..

 

AS I said there really are good people in the world, sometimes it is hard to know who to trust until we get to know them.

 

This a very vunerable time.

 

Maybe by meeting some people here and knowing other people are also going through this will give you the hope or confidence to try one of your support groups in your area. The people there may have some good information as to help, caregivers and other valuable informantion and interaction with others.

 

keep us posted and sincerely hope you are feeling better

 

Bonnie

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Rich,

I'm glad you started using our board! There are alot of careing people who would love to help you!

My name is Tom Hensley I'm a 33y/o stroke survivor, and like you have lost touch with alot of my old friends, While they are out there enjoying there lives, I'm stuck here at home to make tthe best of whats left of my life., one thing I am doing starting Aug. is going back to college. I'm thinking that will put me in contact with alot of new people that I can become friends with. You may want to consider something like this also.as far as the funding or college you can contact the office of vocational rehabilitation in your state and may get your school paid for.college may not be for everyone but its something I'm trying.contact me anytime you want someone to talk to

Good luck,

Tom

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi there, im 27, my first stroke was 10 years ago, second 9, last 3 years ago, lost the power of speech at 9 (18 years old!) - so rich, i can relate to u. As for friends....i do find it very difficult to communicate, always will do....so i dont have any massive group of close friends. Should i be dispressed about that? A little, but not that much. Why? For me, when im getting low other my situatiuon, i take stock of my life - what may happen in a years time - and 5 years time. I look at my family....i love them to peices, and always will do. Friends are damn useful, but your family will always be your core reason in life. I look what im doing - i play loads of sport, just becoming a member of a tennis club, and still member of 11 a side football club......my vison aint so great at all - only 60% visual - but one gets around this problem. I still find it hard to coummincate to the other members, but one must try. Work - i went back to college, got a couple of BTECHs, HNC, and now a full time graphic designer. Damn its still bloody hard - i still cant recall numbers, etc, etc.....but u gotta keep on plugging. Society? when i was 18 yeah, maybe my life would have been altered a lot....but bacially im not very good at general communication...i dont enjoy it. So thats the way it is, i would rather watch a movie, watch TV, PC, etc. Its the way my life has evolved because of my strokes.....so instead of getting all depressed about what have been, bugger that - i do what i can do, and get on with my life.

 

S o when im feeling down......dont worry about those so called "friends". I look at the bigger picture, and what may happen in 5 years,,...theres always the chance of finding new friends as well.

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hello sandy , i was of course telling my story and my point of view - each to their own. Sorry to hear you were "i ran screaming from my family" - makes me feel very sad for u at that point, that would never, ever have happened to me - but glad u are found a second chance.

 

There is no "group" in my city, certainly not this website (i live in england!) so i do not have that alternative at all. So each to their own.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest HunnySue

gosh. ok. well i'm 25. had a stroke at 23. my husband and i have a 4 year old daughter. i've been depressed since i was 12. suicidal since i was 14. making friends is really hard. pretty much the only friends i have are onlne, or that i know from online (like people with the same music interests - we meet up at concerts). i was a self mutilator for several years... once my daughter was born i stopped.. but i wish i could still do it :P my husband was my best friend. until we got married.... then he basically became my biggest enemy. he's SO selfish.. and uncaring... won't help me with anything... makes fun of me for things like losing my balance or drooling.. barely pays attention to our daughter. he upsets me so much that pretty much every night since the stroke i have wished that i wouldnt wake up in the morning. and i get mad that they bothered to save me in the ER. i almost died. they should have let me. i'm glad i found this board though. no one here understands me at all.. why i'm tired... they laugh at me when i walk into walls.. but on here it's sort of like i fit in. as messed up as i am, there are people on here like me. people that are disabled.. depressed.. bored.... it helps me just to know i'm not alone.

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Hi HunnySue,

 

I'm glad you found us too! It's a good place to vent and maybe sometimes you might even get some advice you can use.

 

Do you have a doctor you can confide in about how you feel? One who can help you deal with your depression? Maybe if you could get a handle on that you'd be able to better deal with the problems in your marriage. Either way, I know there are a few members here who have similar stories to yours, so stick around. You're not alone. pash.gif

 

Jean

 

 

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HunnySue, welcome again, looks like you been reading, and its been helping.

Not only the recent posts, but posts from way back talks about things you would enjoy knowing. There are people here that's been through it all.

 

You are certainly not alone, I, for one, have gained so much knowledge I couldn't get from the doctor or therapist. Most of the time their predictions just don't hold up. Here you get real answers from real people whom have experienced the situation first hand.

 

I left the hospital thinking I would be back to my old self in no time. I found out here it takes lots of time and hard work, then you wait and see how much you get back.

 

We are your family here to help, comfort, lend a shoulder to cry on, and you can rant or rave about what ever bothers you at anytime. You can even chat, check the schedule. I hope the best with your husband.

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Rich442 : be careful about blaming everything on your stroke. It is a victim's point of view. It is a fantasy to believe that you'd be happier if you hadn't had the stroke.

 

Rene

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Guest HunnySue

i dont do well with psych doctors... i don't talk to them... i minimize everything... i tried writing down everything for the last doctor. he didnt say much. he read everything and then just wrote me prescriptions. he was smart enough to take me off paxil.. it just wasn't helping. he put me on zoloft but the dose is either too low or its not working. i'm not really a chatter.... occasionally i'll write something here or whatever about how miserable i am.. but for the most part i "fake" it... i act normal during the day with people then cry myself to sleep.

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Hello HunnySue, you should't try to keep everything inside, it may take several tries, but as Sandy says find a therapist or someone who you can talk to...You have to learn to like yourself before you can have a meaningful relationship and I am sure you want the best for your daughter.

Please try to get help and speak to the Dr about your medications.

pash.gif Bonnie

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Hi Rich,

Abuse comes in many forms. It is clear that you have been in much pain. Be aware that we sometimes abuse ourselves by punishing ourselves because we are unwilling to accept ourselves as we are. I am glad you found our site. Don't deprive yourself of counselling because my experience was great in helping me understand how perception can be way different from person to person. I am eight years post stroke and I am finally finding peace with the life I have now. I wish this for you too. I believe that we are meant to fulfill a specific purpose and that if we were perfect physically or emotionally, we would be less than the best for the job.

Keep us current on your progress.

 

Pat Dance.gif

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  • 1 month later...

HI RICH,

SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH A TERRIBLE PLIGHT SO YOUNG. I WALK WITH A BIT OF A LIMPAND IT MAKES ME EXTREMELY SELF CONSCIOUS, BUT ANYONE WHO SEES ONLY THAT AND NOT PAST IT IS TOO SHALLOW A PERSON FOR ME OF THOSE I HAVE MET THAT HAVE LIVED THROUGH THIS THERE IS A DEEPER SENSE OF UNDERSTANDING AND APPRECIATION FOR WHAT IS IMPORTANT AND A SENSITIVITY FOR OTHERS. I'M SURE YOU FEEL RIPPED OFF WHEN YOU SEE OTHERS YOUR AGE, AS YOU SAID WHO ARE MARRIED WITH HOMES AND KIDS,AND IT IS HARD NOT TO FEEL THAT WAY. AS A SINGLE MOM, I SOMETIMES LOOK AT FRIENDS AND SEE THE SAME AS YOU ,AND THINK...DID I DO SOMETHING TO HAVE THIS DUMPED ON ME?? I WOULDN'T TRADE WHO I AM INSIDE FOR ANY OF IT. NOONE OR ANYTHING CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU. LEARN TO APPRECIATE AND GIVE CREDIT TO YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU HAVE OR CAN OR CANNOT DO DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME OR ENERGY ON ANYONE WHO WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU. VALUE YOURSELF MORE THAN TO ALLOW THEM TO. YOU WILL FIND LOTS OF FRIENDS HERE, WHO ARE CARING, GENUINE, GIVING PEOPLE, WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT AND TRYING TO PADDLE IN THE SAME DIRECTION. FEEL FREE TO WRITE IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR OAR. IT HELPS TO VENT.

pash.gif

MARIA

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