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Janelle (GreenQueen )

Thank you for understanding. "we got you " was close enough to compel me to respond that way. Thank you for your empathy and compassion.

 

Thank you all for that !!! It means the world to me that I am being heard. 

 

I'm glad you said "to talk and vent it's good for the soul. "

 

My next post just might take you up on that. 

Lgs

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Hi LG stroke is one of those conditions that has a tendency to send people you thought you could rely on running for the hills as if it was contagious. So we all understand your reaction to that phrase if not your specific circumstances.

 

"we got you" is not a phrase used lightly here.   Please vent if it will help. we have all done it, and this is a safe space to vent without hurting the people close to us. Just be aware that we will probably reply with advice to a vent just as we do to other posts. We care and and feel the pain behind it and have usually been there got the t-shirt. So please don't be offended when we reply to a vent with advice. If all you want to do is get it off your chest, put that in the post somewhere, otherwise we will try to help you fix it.

 

Often when we vent we know what we should do and saying it "out loud" makes it easier to take the necessary step.  In other words vent away it helps!

Hugs

-Heather

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I want me family out of my life. I've been working on that for around 4 years now. My lover agreed to my decision. They say you can't choose your family. I say you can choose whether they are in your life or not. It may be an odd thing, but I can can take my lovers belligerence much better than my families. Especially my sisters (I'll not get into that on right now).

 

My lover has the big "D" due to his cancer (according to his Dr.) and we need to stay close to a restroom so I can take care of it and change his depends when needed. Well, when we're out and about, we always seem to be closest to a particular food/variety store. That's where we have always gone for clean up. Usually when it happens it usually takes 2-3 times for it to stop and we continue our outing. We move from front lot and park in the back lot to prevent other customers from parking close to the store. We keep to ourselves and don't bother anyone, nor do we leave a mess anywhere. Always friendly and kind to everyone. We purchase all food and supplies at that store to show ER are not taking advantage. Well,, we were waiting for the next bout to the restroom, when 3 employees approached the car. A girl told me (my lover was dozing) they had complaints. We only used the restroom and kept moving from one parking lot to the other. In effect we were banned from the property except when actively shopping. So kept glancing at the 2 boys with her saying "I don't want to do this, they're do nice!" just because she kept saying that, I said "it's OK, your being very nice about it, thank you. " in hopes it would add just a little more guilt. Right or wrong, that's what I did. In thinking about it, the only thing I can come up with that makes the most sense, I forgot to lock the family bathroom door once. A lady opened it when I was on my knees changing his depends. What her perception must have been, we were having sex and reported it to management. Presumption on my part, granted. After paying $65 the previous day for garden seed to plant next spring, I was pretty miffed about the accusation and us being banned. A point of satisfaction for me, I got a high end wok for $10 from them:-) my twisted mind wonder how I can actively shop if I can't walk or park on the property. Hmmmm. 

 

Moving on. Today I picked up our mail from "sister dear".vshe blew up at Mr with my lover standing behind me. He was calmly upset until we were in the car. Then he, to me understandably, started getting angry. I knew it would become belligerent. Well - - I after many minutes, I got tired of hearing it, so I started saying as calmly as I could "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I sorry ". I couldn't stop !! I continued saying that until he slapped me in the face, hard. I recoiled and stared at him. "how dare you" I softly growled. He started yelling spiteful things until I interrupted saying "I will not speak for the rest of today"! I didn't for around 20 minutes.  After one gooey cow pie in the face after another for the last 3 days, I couldn't take it anymore. May I scream now? I'm fed up!!!  From every... 

 

Lost my train of thought. My lover just finished yelling at me because I'm not done writing this. I want to scream ! Scream  ! Scream ! He's sitting in the car again, asking God to take him out of here. When he gets stressed and tired, he pleads with God to get him away from me - - - I don't do anything for him anyway (I do realize this is stroke). I need to stop and let my mind calm for a minute. Ignoring his blabbering. Just for a while. Calm - - - calm - - - let it go L.G.S let it go.  He's ranting now. Angry ranting.  It will wear out of himself L.G.S. Let it go - - - let it go. I'm sorry I can't continue with this. I must let it go - - - let it go. His mind is shutting down now. He's trying to sleep. Ahhhh silence at last. Beautiful silence. I've learned to just let him take until it wears out. ((if I say anything at all, it only makes things escalate more)). I must let it go - - - let it go.  "you NEVER care! I'm going to get my stuff and get OUT!!  You'd BETTER... " etc etc etc beautiful silence again - - - Ahhhh - - - yes.  Silence.  This cycle can go on for a while, but I must let it go - - - let it go.  It's the stroke not my lover let it go - - - let it go. "I never liked you! And if you think I did - you were wrong. ! !" here we go again.  Let it go. It's the stroke not my lover let it go. 

May I sob now? 

He sleeps a while now, but wakes up again calmed down.  "Can we go now Daddy?"

"No my love,  I'm not ready. "

It finely wore out of him and there's at last, silence. Now I can have "me" time and read a little while and - - - let it go. 

 

Now that there is beautiful silence, I can write more calmly.  This didn't turn out the way I wanted. I just kept writing during this outburst just to quietly deal until it was out of him.  If I say anything during this behavior,  it escalates with every word I utter. So I just keep quiet until it wears out of him. I think I'll leave this post just the way it is. Perhaps it will help someone to think. 

 

One last thought. I wish life didn't treat me so cruel, it's been like this forever.  Good night my friends. 

 

Good night

L.G.S 

Edited for clarity

 

PS. I think I'll go and have a good cry now. 

 

PPS. and I did

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LG, I0'm so sorry that the.....se people invaded your lives as they did.I hope that there will come a day where you can see the humor in this.YOU'RE ON YOUR KNEES TRYING TO GET HIS PULL-UP ON, AND SOME BUSY-BODY WALKS IN, SEES YOU, AND HER LITTLE MIND THINKS YOU'RE HAVING SEX?! iF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THAT'S KIND OF FUNNY. SAD, BUT FUNNY. Sometimes the humor is there, but you have to look for it. And you have to develop a knack for finding it. Becky

 

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On 10/1/2020 at 11:29 PM, LgSeaunier said:

Janelle (GreenQueen )

Thank you for understanding. "we got you " was close enough to compel me to respond that way. Thank you for your empathy and compassion.

 

Thank you all for that !!! It means the world to me that I am being heard. 

 

I'm glad you said "to talk and vent it's good for the soul. "

 

My next post just might take you up on that. 

Lgs

LG, yes by god you are being heard. I just honestly don't know the right words to add other than what has already been said by folks here with much more wisdom on this kind of topic than myself. I can certainly emphasize with your situation, and support you in prayer but truthfully I'm hardly the one to understand relationships and emotions. Since my stroke, my relationship with my wife has went from a close relationship to more of a business type one. Stroke has definitely short circuited my feelings and emotional expressions. I'm hardly hostile, cruel, or abusive but one of really mixed feelings, and shortsightedness. This up and down emotional roller coaster is a hard beast to tame but I'm getting better at it. And though I feel empathy and compassion for your situation, I just feel short of making an intelligent comment due to my own relationship. My conversations between my wife and I are more aligned with assignment of benefits, my will, and family. 

 

I know, it may sound a bit indifferent but my wife and I just have to deal with basics, and that is mostly because my stroke health is on the decline rather than improving and thats as much in detail as I wish to go with that. But God Bless you for your efforts and compassion. 

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Why do I always have to be the strong one? I have been forever. With most everyone I've ever known which is why I've been on hold my whole life, never allowed to accomplish what I want. Problem is, I'm now falling apart inside. It's getting harder and harder to be strong for him. But I must push onward no matter what. Just had to say it, I can't anywhere else. 

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Hello everyone 

Everyone who reads this post is encouraged to please post your thoughts. More outside thoughts for me to draw upon, will help me make a more informed decision. Thank you. 

 

I'm working on moving two states away (600 miles) to our property. I see this decision as - - what helps me, will help my lover. I could focus on him rather rather than having the stress of my current situation of my family. Because we have no therapies any longer, I've worked out our own plan. Being on our property will give him therapy without him thinking of it that way, and have his interests elsewhere rather than on being belligerent and apposing everything I say. I realize the Doctors would appose this decision, and I know I would need to find new Doctors to tend to him. But in the long run, wouldn't it help us both? It would also further our lives rather than being stagnant. This seems a good idea to me, but outside thoughts would be helpful. 

 

Thank you 

LGS

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Hi LG a lot of us have self therapy setups. And yes everyday living is therapy in itself. I suggest you check out Kev's blog for the benefits of self therapy on a remote farm.

So long as you have access to medical care when needed I think the move makes sense. Can you research and send info to new doctors before you move? Both of you have some complex medical needs so it would be good to have at least the basics covered before you go if possible.  I don't know about the USA but here with Covid we can now access 95% of our medical people through telehealth. If that is the case you may even be able to have your first appointments before you physically move.

 

But I'm all for a change is a good as a holiday, and a new environment gives you both a chance to start from scratch. new house = new routines, start as you mean to go on and all that.

 

The question is will the added stress of the move be too much for either of you at the moment?  Are there support systems either of you rely on now that may not be available near the new house? 

 

Given the move was partially planned before the stroke and things are now fairly stable moving on with the plan is a good idea.

Hugs

-Heather

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There is a difference between running away from , and running to, and it sounds like you're running to. And it just might be the ticket. Like Heather said, you can both start over, get things the way you want/need them to be, and be somewhat of a distraction for both of you. Might be good for both of you. Just don't expect any "miracle cures".

Stroke deficits tend to be stubborn no matter where you are  Becky.

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I agree, the move sounds great.  If there's outside issues you can get away from, worth it.

 

LG, you are allowed to crumble, and fall and cry.

May I suggest doing it out of sight of your bloke? It might cause problems you don't need if he witnessed you being...well...human.

 

💚👑

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I agree that you have take care of you and when he sees that you aren't stressed out , his mind set might reflect that as well.

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