Just A Thought

[sgriffin]

Hello to All,

 

I have read several post for some weeks now and just wondering are there any suvivors that has really gotten on with their lives. We all sometimes sound upbeat an really welcoming to the newcomers, but I know I sometime feel stuck in a phase of my recovery... DEPRESSION. I went through the others without a problem (anger, denial,etc.),

 

After my stroke I must say I snapped back quickly as far as my physical weakness were concerned, but now my insides feel empty and this is new to me. Those who don't know me would never know I had a stroke. I have days where I have aches, pains and weakness, but I deal with it. I am months and months post stroke now but I have this empty feeling. It's funny how I want to snap out of this funk but I really and truly can't. I take an antidepressant and the funny thing is I would never have believed I needed them. I was very optimistic about everything but I'm finding it hard to stay that way.

 

sgriffin

[2ndChance]

I too have gotten on with my life. It does happen - but everyone at their own pace. I accept that my brain damage will not heal in my lifetime, that my arm will never move again and my old dreams are dead.

 

But I have a new part-time job, am closer to my family and have new short-term goals.

 

If you are still in a black pit after several months of antidepressants, try supplementing with magnesium to alleviate the depression.. It might not work, but it's cheap and it can't hurt you. It worked great for me.

 

Rene

[fking]

Sgriffin,

I just read and re-read your post, many thoughts came to mind, then I associated them with my condition at present. We all know and accept the fact that no two strokes, recovery or anything else is the same for individuals.

 

That said, I think (I'm no professional) you are still in a stage of denial of some degree.Based on your accomplishments thus, far you are multi-blessed, compared to others, as myself, whom are really struggling along trying to be optimistic.

 

This is just my thought, like yours. I've gotten on with my life as I see it and continue to be upbeat about living and improving my condition. Sorta like what condition is my condition in, like others are saying, I've gotten on with my life. You in my openion, hasn't let go yet and that depresses you to a point beyond your reconition of whats happening in your life.

 

If your physical weakness is not a problem, then it has to be mental weakness (acceptance) of what happen to your life, which leads to "I'm not like I was BEFORE my stroke"

 

This empty feeling you have comes from looking back over your life, remembering what and how it used to be. Rene just said it,"short term goals" Marty said "don't look back", I say stop fooling your mental mind into thinking all is well. Your physical state is on dry land, but the mental state has repair left to accomplish, that takes TIME.

 

Again, just my thoughts on how I get on with my life. Hope it helps your way of thinking some. God bless and love to you.

P.S., I thought about anti-depressants at one time to cope with all these changes, then I said "thats another pill I have to buy and take, no thanks". I haven't needed one yet after 19 months.

[Mary Goldberg]

I had a stroke May 4, 2005 -- it's been 4 months already. I wake up everyday to lead a new kind of normal life for me.

 

Today was my first day to work. I only worked 4 hours filing for my sisters office but I felt like a real person again. After that, my brother-in-law picked me up and I came home to do a load of laundry. What a great day again.

 

I'm off to Curves for my 30 minute workout. I will probably be tired tonight but for a good cause.

 

Don't give up on your recovery everyday. I miss driving as the ischemic stroke affected my left eye. I went out to my garage yesterday and my battery was dead. I haven't driven it in awhile or I should say my husband hasn't.

 

My saving grace is the Chat Rooms. Sometimes when I need someone to talk to I go there as I am homre alone during the day. Take care and Rock On!

 

Mary in Santa Ana, CA

[glaidice]

just wanted to say that ive gotten on with my life. since my stroke new years eve 2003, ive eloped to las vegas and got married. i now mother a step son who is 12 years old. i have 14 grandchildren of which two are grown and 1 great grandchild. like everyone else im still working very hard to become as normal as i can, but i have good days and bad days. im blessed to have ANY DAYS, so i thank GOD for giving me another chance to get this thing right. i have not had any depression because im too busy laughing at myself figuring out all the things i can do. yep, my gait may be like frankenstein, but hey, im walking. i have had phobias though, mainly claustrophia, but it is definitely better. ive also had anxiety attacks, in the beginning, but those have subsided, for some reason i have never cried, i think because ive always been mindful and had great hope that i will always continuallly improve. like you hera, my foot did not want to stay flat and my toes are clawed on the left foot. i also notice that the nail is thickening on my big toe. along with all of this my hearing on my left side is bad and the tingling and burning goes on in my face and temple on the left. i take neurontin and it helps sometimes, but sometimes it makes the burning worseit seems. my doc wont refer me to a neurologist yet. but, i have a good marriage and im pretty happy, even with all this. i cant seem to taste food like i did before. does anyone else have taste bud problems and ear and hearing problems?

[Phyllis4732]

 

my doc wont refer me to a neurologist yet.

 

I can't believe the above. A neurologist is the Dr. you should see. Of course you should see a general practioner pr family doctor or whatever they now refer to them as well. In fact, you must have seen a neurologist in the hospital. Is there any reason that you aren't being referred? You said "yet". It's been over a year and a half. What is the doctor waiting for? Having a husband with a good marriage is wonderful, but he isn't a neurologist and can't take that place. Perhaps you belong to an HMO and that is why you haven't received a refferal, if not, take it upon yourself. If you don't like the person, don't go back.

[hera]

Thinking - did I ever have a "normal" life? I mean, how can we really define normal. As we enter each stage of life, things change. I think it is more that we have these sudden challenges - but then again, the birth of a child is "sudden" overnight, life-altering change. The death of a loved one - even by illness, is a sudden change. In terms of stroke, one sudden events alters many aspects of life - personal, personality, relationships, physical, mental and emotional trauma all at once.

 

No, I don't expect life to go "back" - anymore than I could "stuff" those grown kids of mine back into my womb until I was "more prepared" to cope with all that goes with parenting, adulthood.

 

I was optimistic (mostly that is my nature), and thought I would recover faster and more completely - I thought I would go back to work after my 90-day family leave ended - I said I'd go back in the wheelchair if I had to! I was determined to return to my special-needs students. Of course, as April came closer, I realized I was barely capable of taking care of my own needs - I couldn't even navigate in the wheelchair alone, much less move my arm. So, I kept saying the Serenity Prayer, and tried to work on changing what I could, accepting what I could not.

 

Depression? Oh my God, I have been depressed much of my life, in therapy off and on, and have taken antidepressants for months, even years, during depressive episodes. I was so depressed, I was disabled for two years, until the right combination of Zoloft and Xanax was found to help me control my phobias and anxieties, and regulate my emotions.

 

Yes, I get depressed. Last week, I was so depressed, I regressed - I had been out of my antidepression medicine for five days - the first night after taking the Cymbalta my doc finally called in, I slept better, no nightmares, and the "black cloud" lifted so I could function again.

 

I just do what I can. I am, thankfully, getting SSDI. I am taking four online college classes. I can't do much around the house, but I can type, albeit with one hand!:Typing:

 

I guess this is my "normal" - for now.

 

Blessings,

~ hera ~

[swilkinson]

Before Ray's strokes I was Susie Sunshine. I think the thing about working through the process of a stroke, yourself personally , or caring for some one you love who has had one or more strokes is that it takes you on a roller coaster ride. Some parts of the ride have you feeling okay and you think you will be there forever. Then something else happens and down you go again.

Is it this way for you because you deserve it? Of course not. There is a randomness about life that seems to give us some things and take others away. Not because we are bad people, or have done something deperate, I don't think I have and I am sure you haven't either. The truth is I don't know what the answer is but I do try to work on the problems as I go along.

I do know that as I overcome the hurdles I gain some skills, find a new confidence in my abilities and feel stronger, at least for a little while. Maybe life is a big obstacle course and we landed in the hardest section, missing out on the easy stages that others still seem to be having fun in?

I still try to do my Susie Sunshine act sometimes, I'm just not as convincing now.

Hang in there, all of you, find something to do to lift you spirits for a while, review where you've come from, and take some pride in what you have achieved,

Hugs all round, Sue.

[ctaylor]

Hello to All,

 

IHI GRIFFIN FOR ME THE DEPRESSION HAS BEEN THE HARDEST PART OF MY STROKE RECOVERY. ITS BEEN 2 YEARS POST STROKE AND I FIND MYSELF STILL STUCK IN A FUNK. I'VE TAKEN TONS OF ANTI DEPRESSANTS ALL TO NO AVAIL AND I CONTINUE TO TRY NEW COMBINATIONS IN HOPES THAT MY DOCTOR WILL FIND ONE THAT WORKS. I KNOW SAYING STICK IN THERE HAS A VERY HOLLOWRING WHEN ONE IS SUFFERING FROM THIS DARK SICKNESS BUT SOMTIMES THAT'S ALL THERE IS. YOU MUST TAKE IT A DAY AT A TIME AND SOMETIMES AN HOUR AT A TIME. I WISH YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST WITH YOUR BATTLE AND I KNOW HOW HARD IT CAN BE I'M STILL LOOKING FOR THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I SEE A SMALL ILLUMINATION NOTHING TO GET OVERLY EXCITED ABOUT BUT SOMETHING NONE THE LESS

 

[bstockman]

I am doing many "normal" things now. I too think I got a bit "stuck" in recovery as one doctor (I only saw twice) told me that within a year I would never know I had a stroke.. so it took a bit longer to let that idea go....

To people that didn't know me before stroke, they say "oh, I wouldn't know you had a stroke" I thank God daily for what has returned..

but there is definately differences....I have and am still learning to accept them ...

 

I think it is hard sometimes for family to see and accept them especially when many of the "changes" are in the brain and not obvious on the outside.

Bonnie

 

 

[cnemec]

I had a job interview last week, I was optomistic. It is part time. Week later, not even a 2nd interview. Then I get down. I don't think I interviewed well. Maybe if I had told them about the stroke they would've understood. I didn't but they knew through someone else. Makes me wonder if I can work. That's what gets me down then I feel incapable of doing much. There are no jobs here that I have experience in but there are jobs I can do but others have the experience so they get the job.

 

-carol

[Phyllis4732]

Carol, I knoe the feeling. I can't interview. My off balance shows just a little if I try to not show it. Interviewed for a job that would have been a piece of cake for me- 14 years experience, I was asked to fill papers- can;t write too well- so I didn't get the job.I do better with out of state companies. I bet person who got job wasn't as good, maybe a little faster. I never charge for the time it really takes though. Their loss - that's the way I look at it.

 

Keep trying- something will come along.