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I have been going to PT for almost 6 months now for neck, back, shoulder and scapula pain. My Orthopedist did find some answers about 2 weeks after an imaging study of my cervical spine. Looks like there are a couple of bulging disc's and I've lost the curve in my c-spine. I told my PT what he found and he was excited to try some new exercises to focus on my issues. I was just as excited! 😃 So, I had to stand (with good posture) facing away from the wall with a basketball size therapy ball between my head and the wall. Then I simply needed to do chin tucks against the ball. Seems simple enough... I went straight to work and my PT stepped out of the room to check on other clients. (A little background: my stroke was in my cerebellum and it is responsible for a lot of balance. I have balance issues, disequalibrium and central vertigo that can show up at different times). I stood up with good form and put the ball against the wall and stepped backwards to start my exercise. OK... I felt a bit wobbly getting into the correct position but soon I did my first chin tuck. Well... This felt like I was balancing on a ball of pliable sand. 😳 I could feel the dizzy coming but if anything I am determined. The 2nd chin tuck and I reached behind me searching for the wall because I felt I was going to fall over. My fingertips could touch the wall...and I did my 3rd chin tuck. The dizziness was begining to become vertigo and I was getting nauseous. As I started the 4th chin tuck, I felt so off balance that I pulled the ball from behind my head and wobbly grabbed for the nearby chair to try and steady myself. Kendall came back into the room and I practically yelled "I can't do this"! He helped me to the chair and I instantly went into a panic attack. 🙄 I hugged myself and put my head down and the crocodile tears came. Kendall gave me space and just quietly checked in on me every few minutes (I was so thankful he wasn't trying to talk to me because I know it would have gotten worse). During that time, I felt something I haven't felt in quite a while...

terrified,embarrassed,dumb, alone, unable to function, out of control, so much fear. I haven't realized how much I control my environment so that I won't feel incapable or fall. I keep my self in a invisible box (harsh boundaries, only I can control, my movements and how I use my eyes are very deliberate. I've gotten pretty good at this control but it comes at a price... Avoid a lot of things, not allow anything or anyone to get past my boundary, it is kinda lonely. That day I allowed myself to loosen those boundaries and I was a blubbering mess. I did finally calm down and Kendall finished my PT session gently. Once home I just cried and cried. I haven't felt that way in so long and I try so hard not to let others see it. Self loathing, embarrassment and just general sadness swept over me. It's been 6 years and such a simple thing broke me. I have a very understanding PT and he has truly been wonderful helping me to still get the benefit of these such exercises but altered to my needs. Anyway, it was a pretty yucky reminder. Have any of you had something similar happen? 

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Wow.. I have had bad posture , since my stroke, and when I try to stand against the wall to straighten my neck and back again and BAM.. dizziness. Part of my stroke was, as you know, in my cerebellum but not as bad as yours, and that similar happens to me.  I can understand your anxiety and  frustration with Pts. I get frustrated trying to explain how my stroke/balance is for me. I always heard ,'I know how your stroke makes your balance off'.. really? Um.. not all strokes are the same, likewise, not all balance issues are the same . I hope Randall understood and you had embarrassed, but I get it..  xxooxx If you find something that works -please share 💓🙂

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Oh Tracy ((HUGS)), that is so hard, another thing I'm grateful for, no vertigo, even though my balance is a bit iffy. I do get the instinct to push through problems like that but  please don't try to push through things on your own. We have to be careful not to reinforce issues as much as we have to work on our exercises. As soon as something feels off wait and tell your therapist so they can help you modify things it's the old "make haste slowly" that drives me nuts but is actually correct.

 

Also what is is when it comes to emotional reactions. Please don't beat yourself up for reacting as you did. Try to accept that you are who you are and there are things you can't control. It sounds like Kendall is very understanding and not judging you so please don't judge yourself. I'm not saying this is easy, society wants us all to fit in and be "normal" even though no one really knows what normal is. So just be you and let the rest of the world learn to cope with different.  WE love you as you are.

Heather

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Thanks you guys (hugs). Kelli I'm not sure I will ever find a solution but if I do you'll be the first to know! It's true, PT for me was a love/hate relationship when it came to my Physical Therapist during my after stroke sessions. LOL I can just imagine us doing PT together Kendall would quit. 😂 He is absolutely great though. 100% all about making sure I am physically and emotionally OK. I think he was as surprised as I was. 

 

Heather this is so true! I did talk to my therapist about my emotional coming apart. We spoke quite a bit about it. She basically said the same thing. That I learn my limits better than anyone and that Kendall seems very understanding and not to be afraid to speak up and let him know I feel like i need to go slower/easier into something (you know feel it out). I also talked to Kendall the next time I went to PT. He 100% agreed and understood. He doesn't judge me and I am so thankful for that. That is why he gave me space because he is aware of my anxiety issues. He also told me it is 100% not what he wants to do (put me in a place where I feel scared, unsure, unstable...all the things and by all means tell him. I think a lot of the emotional reaction is built up in me (unnecessarily so). I feel like I can make better choices for next time having had this moment... Be more thoughtful of how I feel at the moment and not pushing when I can feel it may not be a good thing. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions Heather. It means a lot to me. 

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